1) swear
2) shake your head and snicker
3) pick up the pieces. put it back together and hope that it still works.
For the last five months, my life has been the human equivalence of dropping your phone. Five months ago I fell in love all over again with a sweet little angel named Rory Lee Ann. I believe I mentioned her the last time I was able to blog- which was before the holidays, and for that I apologize to my faithful readers. I was incapable of stringing together a coherent sentence (or a thought, for that matter) since my last installment. In the last blog did mention that I was incredibly happy to welcome my granddaughter, although she kind of had a shaky start.
A shaky start is putting it mildly, but as I said I was not able to put into words my thoughts and feelings. Yeah I know, you're thinking- that's what you do, kid- that's your thing....you talk about life stuff- good bad and hilarious. You're absolutely right, my friends. Blogging has gotten me through cancers, loss of friends human and animal alike, job changes and five or six musical productions. But this was too much- way too much, I actually felt if I were to write about it - that would make it all too real.
It was just a mummer they said- common, right? Well upon further investigation, it was more than that- there were three little "glitches" in her heart - two which may correct themselves. one probably not-but it was too soon to tell- she was three days old. for goodness sake. So what do I do with this information? Me- a former panic stricken worrier-although as I have gotten older I have become less of a "hypochondriac/fretter" and more of a "oh yeah? bring it/ wine drinker".
I thought "she'll be fine - right? I mean - it will fix itself" on the outside....
On the inside I was THE SCREAM..... that painting by Edvard Munch
According to the doctors. (that my incredibly brave and strong daughter took her daughter to weekly) Rory was a text book case, Watch for symptoms (let's add insightful and intelligent to the "strong and brave" description of my daughter) yep...after four weeks.... symptoms. She started on a medication to make sure fluid didn't build up in her lungs- she was slow gaining weight because her heart, her metabolism burned off all her calories. Sounds like a great thing, sure, except for she was struggling to hit 10 lbs.- which she finally did just weeks before her OPEN HEART SURGERY. WHAT????
It was 4 1/2 months of watching her struggle to eat and breathe, yet smile and develop like a "normal" baby, She's fine, I just kept praying and believing that it would be okay...she wont need that surgery. That isn't how this is going to be, right St. Jude- I mean you're the hopeless cases guy-you're gonna fix this for me.
It was 4 1/2 months of this little family-doing their best to keep things normal for a little boy who just started preschool and has a new little sister in his world. This smart little boy, who I am sure sensed things were a bit off-for lack of a better word.
It was 4 1/2 months of an incredible extended family (and friends and angels) who were there for support and encouragement -even if they didn't know the extent of the situation.
The situation was Rory needs this surgery so why not do it while she is little so she won't remember. Sbe will heal quickly and then be able to get on with her life in front of the eight ball instead of behind.
It was 4 1/2 months of watching her struggle to eat and breathe, yet smile and develop like a "normal" baby, She's fine, I just kept praying and believing that it would be okay...she wont need that surgery. That isn't how this is going to be, right St. Jude- I mean you're the hopeless cases guy-you're gonna fix this for me.
It was 4 1/2 months of this little family-doing their best to keep things normal for a little boy who just started preschool and has a new little sister in his world. This smart little boy, who I am sure sensed things were a bit off-for lack of a better word.
It was 4 1/2 months of an incredible extended family (and friends and angels) who were there for support and encouragement -even if they didn't know the extent of the situation.
The situation was Rory needs this surgery so why not do it while she is little so she won't remember. Sbe will heal quickly and then be able to get on with her life in front of the eight ball instead of behind.
So fast forward to the end of February- just last week....we coordinated the who's, the wheres. the hows and the WTF's and Rory headed to Rochester for surgery.
RED ELEVATORS
I will always remember taking the red elevators up to the pediatric cardiac intensive care operating waiting room or whatever that little room from hell was called. Riding the red elevators knowing that all our lives can be changed today.
I will always remember taking the red elevators up to the pediatric cardiac intensive care operating waiting room or whatever that little room from hell was called. Riding the red elevators knowing that all our lives can be changed today.
For those who FACEBOOK you know-She came through it amazingly well - her heart was mended and was "working beautifully"- she was breathing on her own by that evening and I believe I finally was as well. I think I may have even exhaled for the first time in a long time....but I made sure to hold my breath in a little longer- it was still early. The days after the surgery are kind of a fuzzy blur but I know when we rode those red elevators to see her ... we found she was taken off the monitors and the IVs and was dubbed the ROCK STAR of the floor. Did we expect anything less from this little scrapper! What I didn't expect was two day after OPEN HEART SURGERY- she would be laying there in this too big hospital bed, with a 6 inch incision (1/4 of her body) that she would look over at me and stick out her little tongue and try to make a little raspberry sound- (something I have been teaching her to do like every obnoxious Gaga should). But I swear when our eyes connected- something... shifted- I felt it and I don't know, maybe you did or the whole universe did too. But I felt like she was telling me - I'm fine and now we are going to have many chances to do more silly, obnoxious things together. I literally shook me and it is now a new entry in the list of moments that I will never be able to forget- or want to.
I will also always remember the night slept in her hospital room because she was moved out of intensive care (in record time I might add). I rocked her to sleep as I watched February turn into March, Alabama Shakes sang on Saturday Night Live and I knew there was a sweet, happy ending to this Rory Story.
I will also always remember the night slept in her hospital room because she was moved out of intensive care (in record time I might add). I rocked her to sleep as I watched February turn into March, Alabama Shakes sang on Saturday Night Live and I knew there was a sweet, happy ending to this Rory Story.
So there you have it- that was the five days that kind of put an end to my sleepwalking through the last five months and I can't stop smiling. You know that moment when you wake up and you don't have a care in the world...well that moment goes on all day for me! I pray thankful prayers and even though it is freaking 4 below outside and there is an ass ton of snow- my world is full of sunshine- and that sunshine comes from these little loves of my life, especially this new one with the mended heart!
Of course, I came home from Rochester to a mother in the hospital, yet again - Things are not so good- not so good at all... but that is for another blog. I will soon be selling tickets to my emotional roller coaster ride and you are all invited to read/ride along as I venture into whatever lies ahead. So I guess for now I will continue to swear (after Lent) shake my head and snicker a little as I pick up the pieces and try to put everything back together and continue to hope it still works....or maybe it's time to get a new phone- just saying.
