MJust Sayin: I Don't Do Sadness

MJust Sayin: I Don't Do Sadness: I was going to title this  “If you’re happy and you know it”.  Only because that is the latest adorable thing that my granddaughter does.  ...

I Don't Do Sadness

I was going to title this  “If you’re happy and you know it”.  Only because that is the latest adorable thing that my granddaughter does.   She claps her hands – she stomps her feet – she puts her arms up for the “hurray”.  Honestly, it is the cutest thing ev-er!.  It makes me happy and I know it.  But the title I chose is from (surprise surprise) a Broadway show- Spring Awakening- one of my favorites.  The verse goes- I don’t do sadness Not even a little bit Just don’t need it in my life Don’t want any part of it I don’t do sadness ,

I realized I don’t do sadness ...not very well- I know that some people do- some people love to wallow.  I do not wallow.  I am not a wallow-er.  I like to be happy –I want to be happy- all the time, every day and I don’t think that is at all unreasonable. Do you? I am not good at being sad.  I think I make people very uncomfortable when I am down for the count.  Maybe because I am not comfortable with that feeling. I don't do it well- I was told I don't cry when I'm supposed to- Great! so now I am an inappropriate crier along with being with an inappropriate laugher!

This whole stupid thing started when I was sitting on my couch, minding my own business I might add, watching the Tree Lighting Ceremony  at Rockefeller Plaza.  I was reading or texting or playing a game, you know watching tv and when I looked up, the tree was lit. Then the music blared Joy to the World – I think  it was.  Boom!   I was reduced to a sobbing mess.  But the thing that struck me was  - and I think I said it to my dog Finn, “Am I happy or am I sad?” 

I know that this time of year is bittersweet and melancholy, but this felt different.  I can’t explain it and Finn was no help at all.  It’s the holidays, I suppose and this year is a strange one for me and my family.  It is the first holiday season without my mom. It is the first holiday season with a healthy baby girl.  You see my problem?

November 15th – my mom’s birthday always kicked off  FFFF ... frequent forced family fun time …every two weeks there is a birthday or a holiday – by the time the New Year rolls around we add another "F " to the phrase.   I love my family dearly, don’t get me wrong, but we can all use some sort psychiatric help…myself included!   So Mom's birthday came and went all right.  In her honor, we went to church and breakfast (her favorite). It was something we haven't done in a while. But it was the night before that threw me. The night before, I was in my living room and I felt as if I was getting sick- you know that weird throat closing up feeling.  It was strange because it really felt like I was around cigarette smoke.  You know when you walk out of a place and into a huddle of people puffing away and it's like  BAM! emphysema ...thanks a lot everyone!

I wondered, had the windows  been open due to unseasonably warm weather? Maybe that was where it was coming from.  I went into the bathroom where my husband’s Casino clothes were hanging- that must be it- those people are like chimneys.   Nope!  Then I remember hearing that aromas and scents are ways "people" make contact.  Then when her picture fell off the wall- it was confirmed- Happy Birthday Mom!  Nice of you to visit from the smoking section of Heaven!

On a couple separate occasions, my kids have said they have noticed the smell of meatballs and sauce- out of no where and it’s comforting to them- as it was to me!  I would have preferred the meatballs to Smokin’ Joe's,  but there was no doubt in my mind she was in the living room with me.  It didn’t make me sad- I don’t think happy is the word- but everything felt alright with the world that night!

This year, Thanksgiving was good- a little too busy and hectic to feel sad. We remembered last Thanksgiving when she hardly ate and seemed like she couldn’t wait to leave. Last year, our baby girl slept most of the day and was so fragile ( the next week she would wind up in the hospital with heart failure) . So yeah, this year was a good - we were together – we ate and drank and drank – It was almost perfect. No sadness- gratefulness- no sadness.

Next up- my Dad’s birthday, and for some reason that made me sadder than anything.  My dad is a no fuss for birthdays kind of guy- a concept so foreign to this girl who celebrates her birthday month starting MARCH 1^st- right up until the 31^st.  Easter sometimes falls in there somewhere-like next year- yeah, whatever Jesus understands- He gets it- He gave me the March 31st birthday....He knows. I was actually  supposed to be born April 7^th (more about this later). But enough about MY birthday.   My dad's birthday went a little something like this- "I want nothing for my birthday...nothing! - no presents- no cake – no cards- no visits- nah-thing"…and I’m quoting!  I think this has always been his wish every year but this year it was just underscored with grief.  Against his wishes I called him that morning – just to say “hey”…asked him if he needed anything …hung up and cried like a fucking baby.  Whaaaaa?   No cry-ie for Mom’s birthday but full out ugly cry for Dad. But I don’t do sadness! (If you know the tune- it would be appropriate to sing that line right now).

So through these days of no sadness, I have been watching (to access) the movie Inside Out with my babies.  This makes me soooo happy- and I know it!  The movie is awesome and it is so nice to have the kids there so I can have an excuse to watch cartoons – not that I need one.  My love for cartoons with or without kids around has been a topic of discussion!  This movie though (if you haven't seen it - you should) follows the emotions of a little girl – joy, sadness, fear, disgust and anger- yep that just about covers it!  Honestly I was amazed how much it affected me- I totally related to it: JOY (my family & friends) SADNESS (my loss) FEAR (our world) DISGUST (our world) ANGER (our world)- but something was missing.  I know...a big, bloated, sweaty emotion with that one fucking hair that keeps growing back…the hormoney one who has to unbutton her pants half way through the movie.  The one looking for something sweet... no salty... no sweet to eat….. opening all the windows  and running to the nearest ladies room…in the background -all the other little emotions screaming- she’s gonna kill us alllllll!  The more I thought about it I realized it would be a horror movie than a cartoon ...10 times scarier than The Excorcist.(maybe not...I'm still scared of that)

Perhaps that’s what it is- perhaps it’s the time of my years along with the time of year. The Bi-Polar Express has rolled in to town again but this time, it doesn’t look like it’s leaving anytime soon. I can honestly say I have never been happier /sadder in my life.

Remember I mentioned my mom died on April 7^th – the day I was supposed to be born?  I’m sure there was some cosmic reason why that was the day she decided to leave this world. I’m sure there was a cosmic reason I was not born on that day. I was born a full week before. "The first and last time you were ever early for something" she used to say.   If things had gone “as planned”- I would have a Happy Sad Birthday every year.  When she did go- it was 6 weeks or so after our granddaughter had her very successful heart surgery.  The scary surgery that all these months later enables her to eat like a champ- laugh with delight (especially when her brother walks in the room)  stomp and growl with protest – and clap her hands- when she’s happy and she knows it!  The joy of having that surgery go so well made the sadness of losing the person who loved me like no other a tad easier to take. 

I was sad and I knew it- I was mad and I knew it- but having family and friends around made me happy and I knew it. 

Now we have one more family birthday celebration- then our family will celebrate Christmas together- I’ve written before how much I love that holiday.  Last Christmas- not so much ..it was the beginning of the end but a new beginning as well. Are you seeing a pattern here?  For those scoring at home- happy wins out, right- I guess I really don't do sadness. Just an aside, my doctor informed me that if I do decide to do sadness there are some good meds out there to get me out of bed in the morning...that's reassuring -but so far, so good- 

So bring on the holiday- I will cry when I hear Silent Night and at the end of Charlie Brown Christmas, as usual. But when I hear the verse "through the years we all will be together...if the fates allow" it will hit me a little harder than usual this time around. 

I sincerely hope all of my followers (not wallowers) enjoy their holidays. I am a bit anxious about it all but actually–  I am looking forward to the time to hang with the family and friends. I know all the feels will be there…I may do sad –I may do mad – but I’m pretty positive I’ll do happy- maybe and as the song says..I’ll do all three –wouldn’t be the first time…. just sayin'

Merry Merry Everyone!