We got a cold day!!! The weather community is so excited because the predicted sub zero temperature came true. Living here my whole life, I have clung on the weather report for dear life-
will we have school tomorrow? how is it going to be when we finally get a week at the beach? where the fuck am I going to put 30 people if it rains? Those questions are usually answered with - brush 'just enough snow so I can see" off the car and get to work, it's not too c-c-c-cold to go in the w-w-w-water and well we can eat in shifts - just clear off my bed and enjoy the pasta salad.
But this time, we got our cold day and better yet, they announced it the afternoon before! I do have to admit, I kind of missed the alphabet countdown of schools where we land somewhere between Jollytime Day Care and King of Everything Holy Church! So as I sit with my coffee- still in my Christmas mug. I get a chance to review the year that was and look to the year ahead.
This past year was an emotional one, as I married off my baby girl. It made me think my life (of course, it's all about me) and where I fit into my own world. I have been feeling a little schitzo lately and by lately I mean about 50 years. Speaking of 50 years, I am a couple years away from a big scary number...I dare say I am pushing it- in more ways than one, but more on that later.
The planning of the shower and wedding was so enjoyable. There were minimal eye rolls, at least the ones I saw... there were things I might have done differently, but she was smart and didn't buy into the trends of the dreaded Pintrest and social media pressures of having the most unique hashtagged wedding EV-ER. I felt such a part of the process, right there with the bachelorette partiers and the mani - pedis! I felt so cool and carefree- I had a fancy dress on, it was awesome!! I'm young...I'm young- I thought- but nothing brings you back to reality like writing a big ass check for the balance of the wedding- I'm the mom...I'm the mom...and I have signifacantly less money!
Okay, so I can be a little of both- I think most people in my age group feel that way. I can't believe we are as old as we are.... seeing your kids grow up and get married and have kids- when did this happen? Wasn't it just yesterday I was screaming my head off at a Bruce Springsteen concert.
Oh wait - that was just yesterday.
A few months ago I saw my favorite, not once but twice....thanks to my sister in law/ partner in all things Bruce! We saw him at a benefit concert and then traveled to NYC to see him on Broadway. My loyal followers know I heart NY and know my way around a bit. I was taken to task because my partner did not. So I had do my best Dora the Explorer armed with Google Maps and remembered the streets go one way the avenues go the other. I was able to maneuver us around the city like a boss ( pun intended). I found the theater, gluten free restaurants, Penn Station and all this from the girl that still gets turned around in mall. I'm a grown up I'm a grown up! Cut to the scene out side the theater waiting/ not stalking for a glimpse of my idol. There he is - he waved at me I know he did OMGEEEEEE !!!! So much for being a grown up. See what I mean schit-zo!!!
The day before my daughter got married she said she had a gift for me. I said - I don't want or need a gift ( lying - I love gifts but did not feel it necessary). She handed me an envelope which stated that we were going to Disney World in December to see the Christmas light. WHAT? Um, OKAY!
We were just there last summer with the whole family and I got to see my grandchildren experience Disney, something I was never able to do for my own kids. So now we were going, just the two of us. I have been a huge Disney fan since Dumbo's mom cradled him with her trunk to the tune of Baby Mine- thanks a lot Walt- you have been making me cry for decades. This trip was no different. My daughter lost count of the time I would burst into tears- when we saw the castle all lit up, when we saw the castle during the day, when we saw Mickey at breakfast, when we saw the fireworks ...anytime they played When You Wish Upon a Star.....which was a lot. The cry count was only rivaled by the number of times I said..."Where's my Phone"....which was a lot. She led us around the parks with me in my Minnie Mouse ears and we had, dare I say...a magical time!
Then we had to go tho the airport...(insert ominous music chord). To say my daughter is a bad flyer- is well an understatement...think of the airport scene in Rain Man. Well , maybe not that bad - but at one point I felt like I was Leslie Nielsen in Airplane double slapping that one passenger! That's when the mom kicked in. We talked it out - I distracted and annoyed her all the way to Boston and then another quick flight home, for some reason she was much more relaxed for ( I know I am thinking it too- schitzo - like her mom), we were back to real life. But I have to say it was one of the best times and I look forward to our next trip when I am a grandma again!!
Weddings...trips...my son's engagement and upcoming wedding...my darling grandson and granddaughter....family ...friends who are family...shows and the show people ---those are the warm thought I want to hold onto in the cold of January. But reality, like the cold, bites. I lost my uncle right before Christmas- he was my mom's beloved brother. Such a nice, kind , generous man...he called me JoJo and I loved that. We aren't a nickname type of family-so I thought it was so cool that he called me that even down to the last time I saw him on Thanksgiving! We brought the whole holiday to him since he was ailing and I orchestrated the whole dinner. It was stressful and organized chaos - but that's my life description- because it was wonderful. I was a kid and a grown up that day. I brought the dinner to them and my family and their culinary contributions like the unwilling matriarch I have become. But then he called me JoJo and I was seven years old! I am glad that is my last memory of him. He and my aunt never had grandchildren and I was more than happy to share my kids and their kids with him!! I think my mom would be proud that we took care of him 'til the end. Boom...just like that, I am a kid again.
This life of mine....it's a constant tennis match of young vs. old, childlike decisions vs. adult sensibility, diet vs. donuts. My hatred of technology and my dependency on my often missing and uncharged phone. My daily struggle of -when I'm home, I think of all the people out having fun (fomo as the damn kids call it) and when I'm getting ready to go out, all I want to do is stay home. What is that ? Is it that I am never satisfied? I don't think that is it because I'm pretty low maintenance. Like bring me a coffee and I'm your friend FOR LIFE!!!!!
I wonder if it is an age thing and that number that's lurking around the corner. I have my feet in both worlds I guess. I roll my eyes at the high school kids and all their "anxiety" ( the new buzz word ) but then I anxiously try on a billion outfits before work at said high school. I don't care what people think of me anymore but I would feel really bad if they thought me unkind. I feel comfortable in a political conversation ( as long as you agree with me ) as I do about who my favorite Paw Patrol pup is ( as long as you agree with me ...and it's Marshall by the way.) I am a woman of two minds -I gladly gave up my carefree, no responsibility life when I became a mom at 23 and never looked back. But I will proudly wear my Minnie Mouse ears and a woman's march and look schizophrenically at the next big scary decade.
So as I look out at the beautiful tundra which is my front yard and think....it's fricken' hot in here.
Ahhh the joys of being a woman of that certain age....just sayin'.
