Thursday, December 10, 2015
MJust Sayin: I Don't Do Sadness
MJust Sayin: I Don't Do Sadness: I was going to title this “If you’re happy and you know it”. Only because that is the latest adorable thing that my granddaughter does. ...
I Don't Do Sadness
I
was going to title this “If you’re happy
and you know it”. Only because that is the latest
adorable thing that my granddaughter does.
She claps her hands – she stomps her feet – she puts her arms up for the “hurray”. Honestly, it is the cutest thing ev-er!. It makes me
happy and I know it. But the title I
chose is from (surprise surprise) a Broadway show- Spring Awakening- one of my
favorites. The verse goes- I don’t do sadness Not even a little bit Just don’t need it
in my life Don’t want any part of it I don’t do sadness ,
I realized I don’t do sadness ...not very well- I know that some people do-
some people love to wallow. I do not wallow. I am not a
wallow-er. I like to be happy –I want to be happy- all the
time, every day and I don’t think that is at all unreasonable. Do you? I am not good at being sad. I think I make people very uncomfortable when I am down for the count. Maybe because I am not comfortable with that feeling. I don't do it well- I was told I don't cry when I'm supposed to- Great! so now I am an inappropriate crier along with being with an inappropriate laugher!
This whole stupid thing started when I was sitting on my couch, minding
my own business I might add, watching the Tree Lighting Ceremony at Rockefeller Plaza. I was reading or texting or playing a game, you know watching tv and when I looked up, the tree was lit. Then the music blared Joy to the
World – I think it was. Boom! I was reduced to a
sobbing mess. But the thing that struck
me was - and I think I said it to my dog
Finn, “Am I happy or am I sad?”
I know that this time of year is bittersweet and melancholy, but
this felt different. I can’t explain it
and Finn was no help at all. It’s the
holidays, I suppose and this year is a strange one for me and my family. It is the first holiday season without my
mom. It is the first holiday season with a healthy baby girl. You see my problem?
November 15th – my mom’s birthday always kicked off FFFF ... frequent forced
family fun time …every two weeks there is a birthday or a holiday – by the time the
New Year rolls around we add another "F " to the phrase. I love my family dearly, don’t get me wrong, but we can all use some sort psychiatric help…myself included! So Mom's birthday came and went all right. In her honor, we went to church and breakfast (her favorite). It was something we haven't done in a while. But it was the night before that threw me. The night before, I was in my living room and I felt as
if I was getting sick- you know that weird throat closing up feeling. It was strange because it really felt like I was around cigarette
smoke. You know when you walk out of a place and into a huddle of people puffing away and it's like BAM! emphysema ...thanks a lot everyone!
I wondered, had the windows been open
due to unseasonably warm weather? Maybe that was where it was coming from. I went into the bathroom where my husband’s
Casino clothes were hanging- that must be it- those people are like
chimneys. Nope! Then I remember hearing that aromas and
scents are ways "people" make contact.
Then when her picture fell off the wall- it was confirmed- Happy Birthday
Mom! Nice of you to visit from the smoking section of Heaven!
On a couple separate occasions, my kids have said they have noticed the smell of meatballs and
sauce- out of no where and it’s comforting to them- as it was to
me! I would have preferred the meatballs
to Smokin’ Joe's, but there was no doubt
in my mind she was in the living room with me.
It didn’t make me sad- I don’t think happy is the word- but everything
felt alright with the world that night!
This year, Thanksgiving was good- a little too busy and hectic to feel sad. We remembered last
Thanksgiving when she hardly ate and seemed like she couldn’t wait to leave. Last year, our baby girl slept most of the day and was
so fragile ( the next week she would wind up in the hospital with heart failure) .
So yeah, this year was a good - we were together – we ate and drank and drank – It
was almost perfect. No sadness- gratefulness- no sadness.
Next up- my Dad’s birthday, and for some reason that made me
sadder than anything. My dad is a no fuss for birthdays kind of guy-
a concept so foreign to this girl who celebrates her birthday month starting
MARCH 1st- right up until the 31st. Easter sometimes falls in there somewhere-like
next year- yeah, whatever Jesus understands- He gets it- He gave me the March 31st birthday....He knows. I was actually supposed to be
born April 7th (more about this later). But enough about MY birthday. My dad's birthday went a little something like this- "I want nothing for my birthday...nothing! - no presents- no cake –
no cards- no visits- nah-thing"…and I’m quoting!
I think this has always been his wish every year but this year it was just
underscored with grief. Against his wishes I called him that morning – just to say “hey”…asked him if he needed
anything …hung up and cried like a fucking baby. Whaaaaa?
No cry-ie for Mom’s birthday but full out ugly cry for Dad. But I don’t
do sadness! (If you know the tune- it would be appropriate to sing that line
right now).
So through these days of no sadness, I have been watching (to access) the movie
Inside Out with my babies. This makes me
soooo happy- and I know it! The movie
is awesome and it is so nice to have the kids there so I can have an excuse to
watch cartoons – not that I need one. My
love for cartoons with or without kids around has been a topic of
discussion! This movie though (if you haven't seen it - you should) follows the emotions of a little girl – joy, sadness, fear, disgust and anger- yep that
just about covers it! Honestly I was amazed how much it affected me- I totally related to it: JOY (my family & friends) SADNESS (my loss) FEAR (our world) DISGUST (our world) ANGER (our world)- but something was missing. I know...a big, bloated, sweaty emotion with that one
fucking hair that keeps growing back…the hormoney one who has to unbutton her
pants half way through the movie. The
one looking for something sweet... no salty... no sweet to eat….. opening all the windows and running to the nearest ladies room…in the background -all the other little emotions screaming- she’s gonna kill us alllllll!
The more I thought about it I realized it would be a horror movie than a cartoon ...10 times scarier than The Excorcist.(maybe not...I'm still scared of that)
Perhaps that’s what it is- perhaps it’s the time of my years along
with the time of year. The Bi-Polar Express has rolled in to town again but this time, it
doesn’t look like it’s leaving anytime soon. I can honestly say I have never been happier /sadder in my life.
Remember I mentioned my mom died on April 7th – the day I was supposed to be
born? I’m sure there was some cosmic reason why that was the day she decided to leave this world. I’m sure there was a cosmic reason I was not born on that day. I was born a full week before. "The first and last time you were ever
early for something" she used to say. If things had
gone “as planned”- I would have a Happy Sad Birthday every year. When she did go- it was 6 weeks
or so after our granddaughter had her very successful heart surgery. The scary surgery that all these months later
enables her to eat like a champ- laugh with delight (especially when her
brother walks in the room) stomp and
growl with protest – and clap her hands- when she’s happy and she knows it! The joy of having that surgery go so well
made the sadness of losing the person who loved me like no other a tad easier to take.
I was sad and I knew it- I was
mad and I knew it- but having family and friends around made me happy and I
knew it.
Now we have one more family birthday celebration- then our family will celebrate
Christmas together- I’ve written before how much I love that holiday. Last Christmas- not so much ..it was the beginning of the end but a new beginning as well. Are you seeing a pattern here? For those scoring at home- happy wins out, right- I guess I really don't do sadness. Just an aside, my doctor informed me that if I do decide to do sadness there are some good meds out there to get me out of bed in the morning...that's reassuring -but so far, so good-
So bring on the holiday- I will cry when I hear Silent Night and at the end of Charlie Brown Christmas, as usual. But when I hear the verse "through the years we all will be together...if the fates allow" it will hit me a little harder than usual this time around.
I sincerely hope all of my followers (not wallowers) enjoy their holidays. I am a bit anxious about it all but actually– I am
looking forward to the time to hang with the family and friends. I know all the feels will
be there…I may do sad –I may do mad –
but I’m pretty positive I’ll do happy- maybe and as the song says..I’ll
do all three –wouldn’t be the first time…. just sayin'
Merry Merry Everyone!
Monday, September 7, 2015
What I Learned on my Summer Vacation
I love summertime. I always have. I got married in the summertime, had my first baby in the summertime. We officially became homeowners in the summertime. My daughter's wedding was in the summer- the same year I directed my first show! Hell, I've been involved with summer theater (in some capacity) on and off since I was 16. I just love summer!! Working in a school, you really do love summer- you work all year to get to it! When I first became a school employee- a job I had no idea that I would still be in 20+ years later. I mean, it has nothing to do with my degree, other than maybe the public relations aspect and now and then I get to use the journalistic part (newsletters, but it's still writing).
I originally thought it was because it fit in so well with my children's schedules. But this is something I learned this summer- I did it for my Grandchildren's schedules!!! Hit palm to forehead...of course! This is why I stuck with this job, which at times can be both unfulfilling and underpaying! It is so I could be available for these to little amazing creatures. They are the only ones (so far)I would drag my ass out of bed for at 6AM two -three times a week on my vacation!!
So here starts the list- things I learned on my summer vacation- somethings I already knew-like:
-I hate bugs! Fucking little insects that crawl, fly, infest- ugh! I hate them! I know they are God's creatures and they serve a purpose- one of those purposes must be scaring the shit out of me. Yeah yeah yeah...spiders eat mosquitoes...well if I could put those little assholes on tiny little leashes and take them to the driver-in or sit around the fire with us..fine- Bon Appetit. Quit skulking around my living room walls, over my bed and the driver side rear view mirror, because I'll take this car up to 90 and watch you and your web fly off on to the 290, mother fuckers . And why are there so many kinds of bugs? Is that an ant, a spider, a beetle or some tiny prehistoric mutant that feels the need to always be in my peripheral vision. Once you see one anywhere in your house....it's all over- grab the nearest spray can of anything and attack. There are more insects in my house whose hair never looked better or smelled better for that matter. I don't know if you can market a product that holds your hair in place, with a lovely lavender fragrance and kills. bugs. dead! I know it's summer and maybe they are on vacation too- but stay the fuck out of my house. Enjoy the pool though- I have great pleasure in skimming out your little lifeless bodies. So beware dive bombing bees, wasp, hornets or whatever the shit you are- I got my skimmer and my extra hold mousse.
- I am okay with my appearance....for the most part. I guess I learned this at the beach. Man, if you ever want to feel like America's Top Model ...just go to the beach. Now, of course you do see these skinny little bitches in their skinny little bitch bikinis....but I'm talking about your regular over 30 crowd....yeeee-ikes. Put some clothes on ma'am and you too sir. No one needs to see that!!! Yes, it's the beach and it's hot and it's America....well actually it was Canada ...so put you back bacon in a decent bathing suit! Good for you for having no inhibitions....and it's even not a size issue, everyone has a right to wear what makes them comfortable. But holy hell...there is no way that stretched out piece of spandex blend is comfortable!!! It's just good taste and common sense people! But there I was in my modest beach attire and I have to admit for the first time...I really wasn't self conscious. Not really. I couldn't be, not with my two loves there. I was too busy -it was the baby's first time at the beach. So there was a lot of bending and running and playing. Once again, Crystal Beach saw way more of my breasts than intended (memories of that infamous water slide incident). I look at pictures and I guess they're okay, now that I've learned to position myself in a flattering matter (basically hiding). Plus if you take 100 shots one of them is bound to look good...if my eyes are open, that is. So what, none of the kids are looking and the baby is crying...but damn...my hair looks great in this one. Which isn't always the case...I've learned that dark hair does not photograph well....especially if it's short. It usually looks like some sort of stupid hat. So I decided this summer to embrace the curl and just go with. Straighteners be damned...but then the humidity. Oh the humidity! Five seconds in the pool and ladies and gentlemen...Diana Ross! Holy shit! But,what can you do? I will keep going to the gym (though I see no difference after spinning all summer) and have my wasp killing mousse on hand and just be happy with the fact that when my grandson sees a picture of Betty Boop...he says "Hey,there's Gaga". I would have preferred Jessica Rabbit, but at least it's not that Looney Toons witch (you all know her. Sing it with me....a cup of tea ...a cookie and you-hoo)
-I like fruit. I really do. It doesn't have to be chocolate coated or dipped in anything either. I actually was craving it. What the fuck? I would come home from summer school/babysitting /rehearsal and go straight for the watermelon....except for that one night that I fired up the grill and made ribs at 11:00. But other than that I have found that (and I hate to admit this) eating healthy makes you feel better....there I said it. Of course- I haven't been in my office with my co-workers all summer - My co-workers with whom I am proud to say I have done some of my best work...and by work I mean eating! I am also proud to say I am the co-creator of the 2:30 Friday Social where we make sure there is no cupcake left behind before the weekend. Working in a busy office ...sometimes the socials go from 2:55-3:00 with twenty phone calls in between, but we do it, damn it..for the kids! See, it's not always about the food...it's the people you share the food with..pfffft-who am I kidding- it's the fucking food and/or drinks ...mmmmm....grapefruit shandies....I told you I like fruit!!!
-I got this...I learned that "I got this" this summer. This year I directed our musical without any assistants. I had my awesome musical director/orchestra leader and my amazing daughter choreographer(some days with both kids in tow) and a huge supportive network of people....but no assistant which I have had the past 5 or so shows. It really was tough. I had to be "on" all the time. There was no one there I could tell..."work on this scene while I deal with costume questions...technical issues ...parent problems....rival theater group incidents (seriously?...think West Side Story...but a really ,really old, lame version)." But I did it and my little directorate of three (which other year's has been 6 or 7) put on a great little show...and this year we even had a spot on AMBuffalo to promote it! Plus we did it all basically in one month. When I looked at my schedule for the month of July...it was summer school, babysitting (some times overnighters), rehearsals...weekend rehearsals, car wash fundraisers...show show show and show!!!! How am I going to do this? I thought. Then again, after the winter/spring we went through....i said "yeah I got this" and I did. I don't think I could have without my little support system of friends and you know who you are. Sitting on my patio laughing about the most obscure, inappropriate scenarios or .giggling about old times or planning future adventures. I love you guys -now let's eat some ribs!!!
-I miss my mom! I unfortunately learned that this summer. Now, whenever we see a butterfly...(the only insect I like) we say it's her checking up on us. The same unusually colorful one keeps as showing up at my kids' houses. How cool , right? This past weekend, at my granddaughter's baptism party...there was a butterfly visiting at different times throughout the day. I know you're saying...it's an insect like the ones you were just bitching about. I say..Shut up...I like to believe it's her. A psychic friend (not Dionne Warwick) said people who have passed sometimes use nature for communication, so there They also use your dreams, I'm told. I dream about my mom a lot. The other night I had my monthly dream about tornadoes. I don't know why, but I have tornado dreams....I looked it up ...it said something about life in turmoil...whatever. Anyway this latest tornado dream featured my whole family on a vacation and suddenly the skies turned black and funnel clouds began to form. Fuck!!! We all ran for cover and there was my mom with a bunch of people watching the weather on a TV. She was working the crowd like she used to and I said to my sister "look at her...she's having a ball". It was so strange because I've been thinking of her missing her a lot this week. I must have shed a bucket of tears...but after that dream, I feel a little better knowing that maybe she is "having a ball" where she is. I like to think she is!
- Lastly I learned to look to the future with joy and not dread. First of all I'm Sicilian, so you know how hard this lesson is to learn. The "waiting for the other shoe to fall" has always been a part of my life - the "what fresh hell awaits me now". Of course, I don't want to go back to work. But, if you think about it, it's just a vehicle to get to another summer..plus if I don't go back...I'll be broke. So in between summers we have a first birthday... a couple concerts...sadly, some firsts without my mom...but a new kindergartener with all the adventures that goes with that and who knows what else! I'm hoping for "all good thing ...all good thing".
In a New York Times article posted on Facebook by my fellow summer loving Goomadi, it said:
"The end -of-summer melancholy is a common experience, even a cliche. Part of it, of course is just my dread and hatred of back to school time, unchanged since childhood. The whole world of work and productivity still seems to me like an unconscionable waste of time; the only parts of life that really matter are the summers, the in between times- the idle goofing off."
"The idle goofing off"?!?! How do I get that job...I'm perfect for it. So come on everyone, become official followers of my blog...click on the advertisements a bunch of times...share it with who ever you know (especially publishers) maybe I can make enough money to live like it's summer all the time. With that, I just used the advertising part of my degree...just sayin'
I originally thought it was because it fit in so well with my children's schedules. But this is something I learned this summer- I did it for my Grandchildren's schedules!!! Hit palm to forehead...of course! This is why I stuck with this job, which at times can be both unfulfilling and underpaying! It is so I could be available for these to little amazing creatures. They are the only ones (so far)I would drag my ass out of bed for at 6AM two -three times a week on my vacation!!
So here starts the list- things I learned on my summer vacation- somethings I already knew-like:
-I hate bugs! Fucking little insects that crawl, fly, infest- ugh! I hate them! I know they are God's creatures and they serve a purpose- one of those purposes must be scaring the shit out of me. Yeah yeah yeah...spiders eat mosquitoes...well if I could put those little assholes on tiny little leashes and take them to the driver-in or sit around the fire with us..fine- Bon Appetit. Quit skulking around my living room walls, over my bed and the driver side rear view mirror, because I'll take this car up to 90 and watch you and your web fly off on to the 290, mother fuckers . And why are there so many kinds of bugs? Is that an ant, a spider, a beetle or some tiny prehistoric mutant that feels the need to always be in my peripheral vision. Once you see one anywhere in your house....it's all over- grab the nearest spray can of anything and attack. There are more insects in my house whose hair never looked better or smelled better for that matter. I don't know if you can market a product that holds your hair in place, with a lovely lavender fragrance and kills. bugs. dead! I know it's summer and maybe they are on vacation too- but stay the fuck out of my house. Enjoy the pool though- I have great pleasure in skimming out your little lifeless bodies. So beware dive bombing bees, wasp, hornets or whatever the shit you are- I got my skimmer and my extra hold mousse.
- I am okay with my appearance....for the most part. I guess I learned this at the beach. Man, if you ever want to feel like America's Top Model ...just go to the beach. Now, of course you do see these skinny little bitches in their skinny little bitch bikinis....but I'm talking about your regular over 30 crowd....yeeee-ikes. Put some clothes on ma'am and you too sir. No one needs to see that!!! Yes, it's the beach and it's hot and it's America....well actually it was Canada ...so put you back bacon in a decent bathing suit! Good for you for having no inhibitions....and it's even not a size issue, everyone has a right to wear what makes them comfortable. But holy hell...there is no way that stretched out piece of spandex blend is comfortable!!! It's just good taste and common sense people! But there I was in my modest beach attire and I have to admit for the first time...I really wasn't self conscious. Not really. I couldn't be, not with my two loves there. I was too busy -it was the baby's first time at the beach. So there was a lot of bending and running and playing. Once again, Crystal Beach saw way more of my breasts than intended (memories of that infamous water slide incident). I look at pictures and I guess they're okay, now that I've learned to position myself in a flattering matter (basically hiding). Plus if you take 100 shots one of them is bound to look good...if my eyes are open, that is. So what, none of the kids are looking and the baby is crying...but damn...my hair looks great in this one. Which isn't always the case...I've learned that dark hair does not photograph well....especially if it's short. It usually looks like some sort of stupid hat. So I decided this summer to embrace the curl and just go with. Straighteners be damned...but then the humidity. Oh the humidity! Five seconds in the pool and ladies and gentlemen...Diana Ross! Holy shit! But,what can you do? I will keep going to the gym (though I see no difference after spinning all summer) and have my wasp killing mousse on hand and just be happy with the fact that when my grandson sees a picture of Betty Boop...he says "Hey,there's Gaga". I would have preferred Jessica Rabbit, but at least it's not that Looney Toons witch (you all know her. Sing it with me....a cup of tea ...a cookie and you-hoo)
-I like fruit. I really do. It doesn't have to be chocolate coated or dipped in anything either. I actually was craving it. What the fuck? I would come home from summer school/babysitting /rehearsal and go straight for the watermelon....except for that one night that I fired up the grill and made ribs at 11:00. But other than that I have found that (and I hate to admit this) eating healthy makes you feel better....there I said it. Of course- I haven't been in my office with my co-workers all summer - My co-workers with whom I am proud to say I have done some of my best work...and by work I mean eating! I am also proud to say I am the co-creator of the 2:30 Friday Social where we make sure there is no cupcake left behind before the weekend. Working in a busy office ...sometimes the socials go from 2:55-3:00 with twenty phone calls in between, but we do it, damn it..for the kids! See, it's not always about the food...it's the people you share the food with..pfffft-who am I kidding- it's the fucking food and/or drinks ...mmmmm....grapefruit shandies....I told you I like fruit!!!
-I got this...I learned that "I got this" this summer. This year I directed our musical without any assistants. I had my awesome musical director/orchestra leader and my amazing daughter choreographer(some days with both kids in tow) and a huge supportive network of people....but no assistant which I have had the past 5 or so shows. It really was tough. I had to be "on" all the time. There was no one there I could tell..."work on this scene while I deal with costume questions...technical issues ...parent problems....rival theater group incidents (seriously?...think West Side Story...but a really ,really old, lame version)." But I did it and my little directorate of three (which other year's has been 6 or 7) put on a great little show...and this year we even had a spot on AMBuffalo to promote it! Plus we did it all basically in one month. When I looked at my schedule for the month of July...it was summer school, babysitting (some times overnighters), rehearsals...weekend rehearsals, car wash fundraisers...show show show and show!!!! How am I going to do this? I thought. Then again, after the winter/spring we went through....i said "yeah I got this" and I did. I don't think I could have without my little support system of friends and you know who you are. Sitting on my patio laughing about the most obscure, inappropriate scenarios or .giggling about old times or planning future adventures. I love you guys -now let's eat some ribs!!!
-I miss my mom! I unfortunately learned that this summer. Now, whenever we see a butterfly...(the only insect I like) we say it's her checking up on us. The same unusually colorful one keeps as showing up at my kids' houses. How cool , right? This past weekend, at my granddaughter's baptism party...there was a butterfly visiting at different times throughout the day. I know you're saying...it's an insect like the ones you were just bitching about. I say..Shut up...I like to believe it's her. A psychic friend (not Dionne Warwick) said people who have passed sometimes use nature for communication, so there They also use your dreams, I'm told. I dream about my mom a lot. The other night I had my monthly dream about tornadoes. I don't know why, but I have tornado dreams....I looked it up ...it said something about life in turmoil...whatever. Anyway this latest tornado dream featured my whole family on a vacation and suddenly the skies turned black and funnel clouds began to form. Fuck!!! We all ran for cover and there was my mom with a bunch of people watching the weather on a TV. She was working the crowd like she used to and I said to my sister "look at her...she's having a ball". It was so strange because I've been thinking of her missing her a lot this week. I must have shed a bucket of tears...but after that dream, I feel a little better knowing that maybe she is "having a ball" where she is. I like to think she is!
- Lastly I learned to look to the future with joy and not dread. First of all I'm Sicilian, so you know how hard this lesson is to learn. The "waiting for the other shoe to fall" has always been a part of my life - the "what fresh hell awaits me now". Of course, I don't want to go back to work. But, if you think about it, it's just a vehicle to get to another summer..plus if I don't go back...I'll be broke. So in between summers we have a first birthday... a couple concerts...sadly, some firsts without my mom...but a new kindergartener with all the adventures that goes with that and who knows what else! I'm hoping for "all good thing ...all good thing".
In a New York Times article posted on Facebook by my fellow summer loving Goomadi, it said:
"The end -of-summer melancholy is a common experience, even a cliche. Part of it, of course is just my dread and hatred of back to school time, unchanged since childhood. The whole world of work and productivity still seems to me like an unconscionable waste of time; the only parts of life that really matter are the summers, the in between times- the idle goofing off."
"The idle goofing off"?!?! How do I get that job...I'm perfect for it. So come on everyone, become official followers of my blog...click on the advertisements a bunch of times...share it with who ever you know (especially publishers) maybe I can make enough money to live like it's summer all the time. With that, I just used the advertising part of my degree...just sayin'
Saturday, July 18, 2015
What a Drag it is Getting Old
The Rolling Stones were in town this past weekend. I did not go to see them. I kind of wish I had…I'm sure it was a mixed bag of age
groups. My son and son in law were there. They tailgated from very early
and got home very late...to paraphrase Danny Glover in Legal Weapon..."I'm
too old for that shit". I
really rarely say that- but that phrase has been creeping into my lexicon as of
late. Another reason I didn't go to the concert was an article I wrote way back
in the days when I wrote for the Buff State newspaper, ( I know I told
this story before, I can hear my kids' collective eyes rolling- but I'm old now
and I can start repeating stories....I checked, it's in the handbook)
When I was interviewing my cousin's punk
rock band "Stiff Mitten" (great name) I casually said I doubt bands
like the Rolling Stones will be touring in 20 years...well that was 30 plus years
ago. I kind of still stand by it. Although I heard they put on an awesome show-
it had to be kind of odd to see 70+ year old guys singing "You cant always
get what you want"...C'mon Mick, if you haven't gotten it by now. I
mean really 70! Did they play Under ( I think there's arthritis in )My
Thumb or Wild Horses (couldn't drag me off this couch)But, also something kind
of cool about it too about getting older.
I think the worst part is the physical
part- the everything hurts. If I do anything out of the ordinary, I am sore for
days. I consider myself pretty active too- especially in the summer, I am at
the theater directing five nights a week- I watch my "babies" two
or three times a week and I go to the gym (muffled word) times a
week....well let's say I have a gym membership. But if I decide to put
some plants in the ground...owwww or
if I carry that baby girl around too much eeeeeehh or if I have to cut a extra tough
piece of steak...yeeoww, The next day- things ache. I
can't handle it. If we go out for a few drinks- I stop and say-oh I have
too much to do tomorrow to have a hangover- I have NEVER said that in the past-
I was the queen of "oh
alright...one more shot" And
it's not the alcohol that 's the killer- it's that I'm soooo tired!
Physically...I'm different- clothes fit different-my
body looks different- I have to have plan B outfits all the time- and never
under estimate the power of leggings and a flow-y top or the ever popular
"eating pants" Oh and I can't forget to mention the fatigue- I walk
around like that guy from "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest" who kept
saying "I'm tired I'm tired - not to be confused with the times I'm
walking around asking "Is the heat on- it's freaking hot in
here"which usually is followed by me standing in front of the open
freezer- which is where the ice cream is - and then my clothes fit differently- ahh it's
quite the vicious circle ! But of all the things I've lost over the years, I think I miss bladder control the most....what the hell is up with that!?!
Mentally- I'm different- I can't remember shit!
I recently forgot my pin number for my debit card and I called the credit
union and they said they would send me a reminder. I asked if they can send me
a reminder..oh say every six weeks. Not a bad idea ! My passwords are all
the same and I break into a cold sweat when the time comes to update them. Make
sure there's an uppercase and a number - oh what the fuck - steal my identity-
I can't remember most of it any way.
Emotionally- I'm different- I have lost my patient
with humans and much rather spend time with my big ol' dog. People are shidiots and I don't mind telling them so.
I used to be nicer and I cared what people thought. I wanted
everyone to like me like me like me! Hell, now I like it when people hate
me- I just hope it's for a good reason!
BUT....on the other hand ...I have to say
I kind of like being this age. I feel like I've earned my spot in a
special club where we are privy to things. Like- the phrase "this too
shall pass". I remember
people saying it to me when I was younger- and they were right. I don't let myself worrying so much anymore. Of course still do worry about
things...the health and well being of my family, I AM Sicilian for God's sake.
We have made it through some unspeakably hard times and tragedies lately.
It's true that we are stronger for it. And by the way no more
thanks- I believe I am strong enough now!!!
I like being with people my age-especially when we are with people the next age group down and they think THEY'RE old. HA! It's like were all in on this secret- we've been through it and came out the
other side. We came out okay for the most part too. I realized this one morning
while I was proctoring the SAT's. Here were a room full of teenagers
agonizing over these questions and stressing over the fact that they may have
to write some thing...on paper...in CURSIVE!!!! No one knows cursive
anymore-it's a lost art especially that capital Q...(that's a 2 isn't it?).
Anyway, while all this was going on I was playing a little game on my tablet.
Match three color marbles and break down the wall...lalalalala..Bubble Blaster or
something. If you fail to do this - the word LOSER comes up in big letters on
the screen. Loser? I don't think so- ! I wouldn't trade places with these
kids for all the blue marbles in Bubble Blaster Land!!! But the irony of that
situation was so rich!! Working in a high school now I see the pressure
and stress these kids have to endure. I don't think they even enjoy it.
The cyber crap and the competition. I'll take the class of 1978
anytime baby! Looking back- we really enjoyed high school- despite some
really, really stupid decisions and dumb fashion choices. I recently had a
little reunion of sorts with some close friends from high school, and like it
sometimes happens - it was like no time had passed. We may have a few more pounds
and a couple of covered up grey hairs between us but we earned all of them. It is what makes us who we
are. The heartaches and tribulations and the triumphs of the years shape
us. A Lot of water went under that proverbial bridge, but the "remember
when" stories start-and it's like the fucking twilight zone ...we are
those same goofy kids again except we can drink legally! That happens when you
hear a song too- thanks to satellite radio- you get to listen to a whole car
ride of 70's music! Not that it was all great ( Billy Don't be a Hero and
what ever that "My name is Michael- I got a nickel" song was) but they are our memories- one Styx
song and I'm right back in 11th grade! It's so funny how I can't remember
if I paid the electric bill this month but I can sing along, word for word to
"Hot Rod Lincoln"...everybody...."Daddy said son your gonna
drive me to drinkin...."
Age I guess is all relative, my youngest
was in disbelief when she turned quarter century last year and my son is enjoying his last year of his 20's and my oldest...in her early thirties already has
that "I can't ...I'm Old" excuse down. My kids will also learn as
they start feeling older that their shows and music are so much better than
whatever the"kids these days" are in to. I see them do it now-
I see them getting al nostalgic for the Backstreet Boys, New Kids on the Block, Spice
Girls- and the cool thing is that it was all a part of my life as well as theirs.
But it does make them feel "old".
What they don't know is that they have a
little second childhood to look forward to.They will have a little bit of freedom from certain responsibilities both real and the ones you plague yourselves with. It is kind of cool to not care about certain things or what certain people think. In fact, they will run into people from
high school in years to come and pick right up where they left off with no
pretense because you all are in the same age boat. I just hope they enjoy each
age they are in because each one is important in it's own way. The truth is -it
goes fast, incredibly fast. The trick is have some fun along the way and try not to take
things too serious- I can almost guarantee you will be laughing about it someday.
Like the time we really should have gotten arrested.....
All these kids will all be where I am some
day- they will sit down on the couch to watch a show and wake up an hour later
watching a completely different show! They will get a new phone and
feel like a total idiot- saying things like- no I didn't mean to call you
and oh that's just my alarm and no, I don't know how to turn it off and yes, I know it's 6:45 PM!!! Maybe they will buy a new car and stand in front of the wrong
new car and wonder why the stupid key thingy doesn't work. Okay this last one
really isn't the fault of me or my age. I bought a car last year and the
choices of colors were "Metamucil Gold" ""AARP Silver"
or fucking RED RED RED RED as can be! I did not want to go tooling around
in a little red car with my grand children's car seats in the back ...but I got
the RED one given my other choices- now a year later everyone in town has a
little red Chevy Cruze- three on my street alone- can you blame me!!
So I digress or regress as they case may
be- I can't say I look forward to getting any older- I do look forward to
slowing down a bit- I thought I would have by now- I am actually quite busy and
I guess that's what keeps us young despite all the other aforementioned
factors that are out of our control- So I will direct my musicals(good for the
soul)- do my crosswords (good for the brain)- Instead of saying "I must have
looked like an old lady in high school", I will say thank you when someone says
I look the same as I did way back then (good for the ego) . I will plunge ahead into
the next phase with my black hair and leopard print (yes I will be THAT old
lady) and I will watch the next generation contemplate if they should buy
tickets to see the Tragically (artificial) Hip....just sayin'
Sunday, May 24, 2015
MJust Sayin: A Weekend in Another Country
MJust Sayin: A Weekend in Another Country: It seems I can't stay away from Steven Sondheim. "A weekend in the country...how amusing, how delightfully droll..." Well an...
A Weekend in Another Country
It seems I can't stay away from Steven Sondheim. "A weekend in the country...how amusing, how delightfully droll..." Well anyone who knows me knows can attest to the fact that I would not be very amused if I was in the actual country as the song indicates.
Me and Nature ...we got a deal..I stay out of your area and you keep your bugs and spiders and such out of my house. Not that I don't appreciate the outdoors...I d have enjoyed many a drink on a patio as a matter of fact I am outside blogging right now! But a tent...sleeping bag...critters. I believe they had me in mind, specifically, when they coined the term "not a happy camper".
Anyway- I did have a weekend away -in another country...Oh Canada! I never want to lose sight of the fact that we can hop over to another country in twenty minutes. It is kind of cool- but because we've been doing it our whole lives, we forget. I have memories of being a kid on our way to our cottage and crossing the Peace Bridge coming up to the flags at the actual border chanting US US US US -CANADA ! and on the way home CANADA CANADA CANADA CANADA- US
Not at all annoying - I'm surprised my dad didn't drive directly in to the Duty Free shop!
So here we go, my sister in law and I on a little getaway that we have been talking about for at least 15 years! We booked our room in Niagara Fall, Canada and made reservations for dinner and that was all the planning we did! A weekend free of plans! We were on the road with our GPS - (did I mention we've lived here all our lives) and got to customs and for some reason it turned into the airport scene from Argo.
Why am I so nervous?
Do I just hand the passport to him or do I open it ?
Should we say we have wine?
How many should we say we have... three?
Say "a couple"
That's too vague
That's the point
Stick to the script.
Do you speak Farsi?
So after they barely asked us our citizenship, we were in another country - ready for adventure...but first... a nap! After a little pajama miscommunication ( I can sleep anywhere in anytime and place in any outfit.-in college I used to wear my waitress uniform to bed after a late, late night so I can just get up and go to work) apparently she has to be in full pajama mode..to take a 10 minute nap. If I did that I 'd never go out..( I have a once the bra is off policy). Once that was hilariously figured out- we went out on the town. and we did that for three day- laugh eat drink repeat!
I love Canada- you pay for stuff and they bring you this blue paper back that you can also use to buy ore stuff. Cool...I guess it's their currency...there was a moose on one and I think Michael J Fox was on another...It was kind of like that old Steve Martin thing where he was that awful waiter who messed everything up but when he brought your change it was a ton of money back "one hundred-two hundred three-hundred"..
It wasn't quite that good, but our very, very expensive steak and lamb chop dinner turned out to be very, very affordable. Thanks Canada! This was just what I needed after the last couple weeks-no months- no years of shit...it was nice to be free-care free and phone free (international roaming what the fuck? we are 20 minutes from home!) .It felt great-and I have to thank my sister in law for being so persistent and actually making the plans. I also want to thank the nice Canadian lady who told me I looked so pretty as we walked down the street after dinner. I felt just like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman- only with black hair ...and a foot shorter, with food stains down her dress and full of delicious lamb but still- Is Richard Gere Canadian? I thought I saw his picture on some money.
Now we've all had weekends away and it is hard to get back to real life and yeah, it was ...but kind of different this time. There was not the dread of the last couple years. It was not the feeling of what fresh hell awaits me now. I have read so much stuff on loss and grief lately and some of it helps and some of it makes me want to say shut the fuck up and get on with it. Either way, I think I'm ...healing. Healing from the following: my husband's cancer more than scare- my mom's battle, my losing and starting new jobs...my kids moving out....my granddaughter's open heart surgery and losing my mom after such a awful fight. (well I'm exhausted- how about you?) I would be lying to say that there still isn't a little waiting for the other shoe to drop feeling but at least they are really cute shoes...little strappy sandals actually! I have learned to take each day as it comes whether it be delightful or heartbreaking. You can never plan for things- if someone told me I'd have a granddaughter who would have to go through what she did- I would be paralyzed with fear...and although she was 80 and ill ...how do you prepared for losing your mom...you do it moment by moment...day by day...Oh dear Lord! You have to handle things the best way you know how. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. There is no time frame either.You have to do what is right for you.
For example, at the Hershey stor,e when they didn't have the big chocolate covered strawberries you wanted - you just have to pick your self up, you do not (I learned) drop to your knees and scream WHY ME GOD?? you move on...tearfully... and maybe have some strawberry frozen yogurt with chocolate sauce...not the same but close and better for you (maybe not the chocolate sauce... hell, I'm GRIEVING).
I have had a couple of very close, close friend have health "events "as of late. In talking to them I learned to take it slow, appreciate each day- I know it may be really really scary, but you got this guys I know you do and I'm here for you and if you need a getaway....I'm your girl! I am so good at it. Very amusing and sometimes hilarious...extremely agreeable- up for anything (maybe not boats)! I wish there was an occupation as a travel companion that doesn't me sound like paid escort.
Anyway I hope for them and for all of us that there are more good times and happy days ahead if we take this life one day at a time...now I sound like a 70's TV Guide! I guess we just have get out of bed every morning no matter how difficult or how emotionally hung over you feel and seize the day or at least face it....because when all is said and done -that big beautiful bed is waiting for you when you get home!!!
Now I don't want you to think my life is prefect...when I'm with my beautiful grandchildren- I dare say it is damn near perfection...but I still have the same fucking day to day bullshit ...money shit..like your new debt card is lost in the mail and other stresses. In years past I would have freaked with the what ifs and although it is still my first reaction now I breathe and call what ever moron is on the other end of the line and get things straightened out.
Oh some times the send the YOU SHOULD HAVE GOTTEN YOUR CARD BY NOW letter before they send your actual card
WHAT THE FUCK?
Who in the wide wide world ever thought that would be a good idea????
Or you failed to pay your taxes...
yeah because it;s included in our mortgage now.
What? yeah I guess that's true...but it will take 6-8 weeks to fix it in our system
Or your FREE gym membership is going to cost your $20 a month (never trust a gym)...
Did I mention I like wine now? I do...I really do ..it's delicious! What was my point- oh yeah that every day is a gift...my life could have been very different starting Thanksgiving weekend of 2012- but we handle things and we are happy for every little bit of sunshine after the longest winter EVER or a three day getaway with fake money or a nice dream that makes you feel that everything is going to be alright.. I used to love that feeling ( and I think I've talked about it before.... the second you wake up ....right before you are really up and everything is right in the world- you know , before reality sets it.)Well I haven't felt that in a while...the dread of reality part...I guess that's healing! I still look over my shoulder hey- I'm Italian. But I am thankful for everything I have and the things I have to come. I have to remember to breathe, be sad if I want to and laugh as much as possible and have a little faith that everything is going to be okay!
Wow.. all this from a little getaway to Canada....Imagine how enlightened I'd be if I went to sayyyyy Italy,...any takers...I'm a fun companion /escort...just sayin'
Me and Nature ...we got a deal..I stay out of your area and you keep your bugs and spiders and such out of my house. Not that I don't appreciate the outdoors...I d have enjoyed many a drink on a patio as a matter of fact I am outside blogging right now! But a tent...sleeping bag...critters. I believe they had me in mind, specifically, when they coined the term "not a happy camper".
Anyway- I did have a weekend away -in another country...Oh Canada! I never want to lose sight of the fact that we can hop over to another country in twenty minutes. It is kind of cool- but because we've been doing it our whole lives, we forget. I have memories of being a kid on our way to our cottage and crossing the Peace Bridge coming up to the flags at the actual border chanting US US US US -CANADA ! and on the way home CANADA CANADA CANADA CANADA- US
Not at all annoying - I'm surprised my dad didn't drive directly in to the Duty Free shop!
So here we go, my sister in law and I on a little getaway that we have been talking about for at least 15 years! We booked our room in Niagara Fall, Canada and made reservations for dinner and that was all the planning we did! A weekend free of plans! We were on the road with our GPS - (did I mention we've lived here all our lives) and got to customs and for some reason it turned into the airport scene from Argo.
Why am I so nervous?
Do I just hand the passport to him or do I open it ?
Should we say we have wine?
How many should we say we have... three?
Say "a couple"
That's too vague
That's the point
Stick to the script.
Do you speak Farsi?
So after they barely asked us our citizenship, we were in another country - ready for adventure...but first... a nap! After a little pajama miscommunication ( I can sleep anywhere in anytime and place in any outfit.-in college I used to wear my waitress uniform to bed after a late, late night so I can just get up and go to work) apparently she has to be in full pajama mode..to take a 10 minute nap. If I did that I 'd never go out..( I have a once the bra is off policy). Once that was hilariously figured out- we went out on the town. and we did that for three day- laugh eat drink repeat!
I love Canada- you pay for stuff and they bring you this blue paper back that you can also use to buy ore stuff. Cool...I guess it's their currency...there was a moose on one and I think Michael J Fox was on another...It was kind of like that old Steve Martin thing where he was that awful waiter who messed everything up but when he brought your change it was a ton of money back "one hundred-two hundred three-hundred"..
It wasn't quite that good, but our very, very expensive steak and lamb chop dinner turned out to be very, very affordable. Thanks Canada! This was just what I needed after the last couple weeks-no months- no years of shit...it was nice to be free-care free and phone free (international roaming what the fuck? we are 20 minutes from home!) .It felt great-and I have to thank my sister in law for being so persistent and actually making the plans. I also want to thank the nice Canadian lady who told me I looked so pretty as we walked down the street after dinner. I felt just like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman- only with black hair ...and a foot shorter, with food stains down her dress and full of delicious lamb but still- Is Richard Gere Canadian? I thought I saw his picture on some money.
Now we've all had weekends away and it is hard to get back to real life and yeah, it was ...but kind of different this time. There was not the dread of the last couple years. It was not the feeling of what fresh hell awaits me now. I have read so much stuff on loss and grief lately and some of it helps and some of it makes me want to say shut the fuck up and get on with it. Either way, I think I'm ...healing. Healing from the following: my husband's cancer more than scare- my mom's battle, my losing and starting new jobs...my kids moving out....my granddaughter's open heart surgery and losing my mom after such a awful fight. (well I'm exhausted- how about you?) I would be lying to say that there still isn't a little waiting for the other shoe to drop feeling but at least they are really cute shoes...little strappy sandals actually! I have learned to take each day as it comes whether it be delightful or heartbreaking. You can never plan for things- if someone told me I'd have a granddaughter who would have to go through what she did- I would be paralyzed with fear...and although she was 80 and ill ...how do you prepared for losing your mom...you do it moment by moment...day by day...Oh dear Lord! You have to handle things the best way you know how. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. There is no time frame either.You have to do what is right for you.
For example, at the Hershey stor,e when they didn't have the big chocolate covered strawberries you wanted - you just have to pick your self up, you do not (I learned) drop to your knees and scream WHY ME GOD?? you move on...tearfully... and maybe have some strawberry frozen yogurt with chocolate sauce...not the same but close and better for you (maybe not the chocolate sauce... hell, I'm GRIEVING).
I have had a couple of very close, close friend have health "events "as of late. In talking to them I learned to take it slow, appreciate each day- I know it may be really really scary, but you got this guys I know you do and I'm here for you and if you need a getaway....I'm your girl! I am so good at it. Very amusing and sometimes hilarious...extremely agreeable- up for anything (maybe not boats)! I wish there was an occupation as a travel companion that doesn't me sound like paid escort.
Anyway I hope for them and for all of us that there are more good times and happy days ahead if we take this life one day at a time...now I sound like a 70's TV Guide! I guess we just have get out of bed every morning no matter how difficult or how emotionally hung over you feel and seize the day or at least face it....because when all is said and done -that big beautiful bed is waiting for you when you get home!!!
Now I don't want you to think my life is prefect...when I'm with my beautiful grandchildren- I dare say it is damn near perfection...but I still have the same fucking day to day bullshit ...money shit..like your new debt card is lost in the mail and other stresses. In years past I would have freaked with the what ifs and although it is still my first reaction now I breathe and call what ever moron is on the other end of the line and get things straightened out.
Oh some times the send the YOU SHOULD HAVE GOTTEN YOUR CARD BY NOW letter before they send your actual card
WHAT THE FUCK?
Who in the wide wide world ever thought that would be a good idea????
Or you failed to pay your taxes...
yeah because it;s included in our mortgage now.
What? yeah I guess that's true...but it will take 6-8 weeks to fix it in our system
Or your FREE gym membership is going to cost your $20 a month (never trust a gym)...
Did I mention I like wine now? I do...I really do ..it's delicious! What was my point- oh yeah that every day is a gift...my life could have been very different starting Thanksgiving weekend of 2012- but we handle things and we are happy for every little bit of sunshine after the longest winter EVER or a three day getaway with fake money or a nice dream that makes you feel that everything is going to be alright.. I used to love that feeling ( and I think I've talked about it before.... the second you wake up ....right before you are really up and everything is right in the world- you know , before reality sets it.)Well I haven't felt that in a while...the dread of reality part...I guess that's healing! I still look over my shoulder hey- I'm Italian. But I am thankful for everything I have and the things I have to come. I have to remember to breathe, be sad if I want to and laugh as much as possible and have a little faith that everything is going to be okay!
Wow.. all this from a little getaway to Canada....Imagine how enlightened I'd be if I went to sayyyyy Italy,...any takers...I'm a fun companion /escort...just sayin'
Sunday, April 26, 2015
Life, Death and Frank Sinatra
What The Fuck! An unusual way to begin I guess, but that is what I have been saying to my self for the last few weeks. My mom died. Same number of words in the sentence, all one syllable words....but the what the fuck sentence is easier to say and makes way more sense to me. After the incredible,happy ending,"Lifetime-movie" like story of my baby granddaughter's open heart surgery (how's that for a sentence), I came back to "earth" and immediately had to deal with my mom who had been in one hospital the entire time I was at the other hospital. I went to see her the very next day and she looked awful, she could barley comprehend the good news of her great granddaughter's amazing comeback! I thought my head was going to explode- it was the emotional equivalence of jumping in a cold pool after being in a hot tub! So I strapped myself in for what I knew was going to be a very bumpy ride. I longed for the days when I would stand next to the "you must be this tall to ride this ride" signs at Crystal Beach and would get turned away. " I'm too short to handle all this" I kept thinking.- no such luck though. The doctor called us in for what was to the the first of two or three meetings....you know that meeting. But, she rallied - for what ever reason, she did. She was sitting up, eating an Italian ice, flirting with the doctor. Later, at the last meeting with her doctor, I realized this guys kind of looks like Frank Sinatra- that older, gray comb over version of old blue eyes! My mom LOVED Frank Sinatra, but more than that she loved blue eyes!!! Her beloved brother has blue eyes. She talked about it all the time- she felt inferior I think for being brown eyed. As did I (for a while) growing up-because she as did her mom and aunt made such a fuss over her brother's genetic luck of the draw. But I love my eyes- I have been told they are one of my best features...if you look up from my other best feature- (my smile- you pervs) When I met my husbands blue/green eyed family- I felt exotic and mysterious almost with my brown eyes that no one else in that family had at the time- Then I had two girls with sparkling brow eyes and so far, two beautiful brown eyed grandchildren, By the way, my son's eyes are not blue, but gorgeous green, close enough and I always suspected that's why he was my mom's favorite. But back to Dr.Sinatra -we had a meeting where we decided to take her off of everything because although the cancer numbers were down-she was not bouncing back. Do you bounce back when you're 80? Maybe ...maybe not but she seemed okay with the decision-maybe relieved. He told her if she eats (and she could have what ever she wanted- finally no dietary restrictions) she may be okay for a while. So off he went like a Stranger in the Night and we went home feeling confused but secure that we were doing the right thing for her.
The next day I went to join my dad to meet with the Hospice people in the new room where I assumed I would be spending the remained of my spring break and then some. We can bring her all her favorite foods and play some music (you know who) and maybe have the babies come in for a visit. Never got the chance. I walked in and she was (what I now know) "dying" - I have never seen anything like it- the night before she was sitting up -now lying in bed in such distress- labored breathing, moaning and it was just the worst thing to see- the worst.....What The Fuck. I asked the nurses what did they give or not give her to cause such a drastic change. They said noting- they just moved her- I said move her the fuck back then.
The Hospice social worker said it is common for people to just decide to stop fighting for what ever reason.. Maybe talking about taking off all the stuff was enough for her to let go. I know though, in my heart, she was waiting to see her brother's blue eyes one last time. He came to see her the night before she was moved- I think that is what she needed to see before she was able to stop her two year fight with this awful disease. I'm so glad I got to say good bye that night - I didn't know it was the last, real good bye- but when that phone rang later that April night I knew..... Right now it may not seem like spring at all we're drifting and the laughs are few Thank you Mr Sinatra, that about says it all. So then came the "am I in a movie" days of planning your mother's funeral. What the Fuck! We were going to sit and talk about it as Hospice suggested, but we didn't get the chance.Those Hospice people are amazing but I think I horrified the poor social worker when she was trying to do her job by comforting me. The baby' heart ordeal came up as we were talking about how long my mom had been in the hospital....White as a ghost, she kept saying "tell me you have a third...tell me you have a third" ....I was all "ummmm, welllll- hmmm, oh yeah, my husband had cancer a couple years ago?" Hoping that would make her feel better-(role reversal much) Oh good she said all relieved "they come in three's you know and it looks like you're done"...Can I have that in writing and notarized please?
The wake was filled with family, friends and Frank as his music played in the background. It is amazing how many lives someone touches- it's exhautingly overwhelming! Although, I found it funny how the people you least expect are there for you and the ones you did expect immediately rise to the top of your asshole list. It's still pretty much a blur-but we got through it. I am extremely proud of my family and I know she would have been too. Her grandsons did readings and her granddaugther, my daughter gave the eulogy. I think we did it Her Way!
And now what? well-it's good to be busy because those silent times the wee small hours of the morning is the time I miss her most of all- Boy Frank- you are writing this blog for me! I have to say we have already had "visits". One of her favorite songs Smile came on the night she died-you know smile-though your heart is aching- I don't know what was on tv or what time it was or maybe it was a dream, but I feel like it was her reminding me that it's the time you must keep on trying, smile what's the use in crying, you'll find that life is still worthwhile if you just smile. I hear you mom, loud and clear- it wasn't Frank but I got the message- and that is what I intend to do.
I am so glad that she is not in any more pain and is not tired anymore. I miss her, but I miss the old her who I haven't seen for so long. But I know she is watching us...both my daughters have said that on two separate occasions, their bedrooms were filled with the aroma of sauce and meatballs- well, that would be her! I know she will be with us at our family gatherings and will be watching her great grandchildren grow! That is if she is not too busy stalking Frank Sinatra in heaven...would he be there- wasn't he kind of a gangster? Anyway, I will keep looking for signs- when a butterfly lands at just the right moment, when a song or a favorite old movie (An Affair to Remember) comes on just when I need it or when your picture falls on the floor as it did on the day of her wake. Or on the days when I'm awfully low, when the world is cold- I will feel the glow, just thinking of you ... I love you Mom- and that's coming from ol' brown eyes...and as for the What The Fuck....I think she would approve....just sayin'
Saturday, March 7, 2015
The Rory Story
Did you ever drop your phone and watch it smash onto the floor. It usually breaks into three pieces, the phone part, the back and the battery, all fall in different directions, If you are anything like me, the reaction is as follows:
For the last five months, my life has been the human equivalence of dropping your phone. Five months ago I fell in love all over again with a sweet little angel named Rory Lee Ann. I believe I mentioned her the last time I was able to blog- which was before the holidays, and for that I apologize to my faithful readers. I was incapable of stringing together a coherent sentence (or a thought, for that matter) since my last installment. In the last blog did mention that I was incredibly happy to welcome my granddaughter, although she kind of had a shaky start.
It was just a mummer they said- common, right? Well upon further investigation, it was more than that- there were three little "glitches" in her heart - two which may correct themselves. one probably not-but it was too soon to tell- she was three days old. for goodness sake. So what do I do with this information? Me- a former panic stricken worrier-although as I have gotten older I have become less of a "hypochondriac/fretter" and more of a "oh yeah? bring it/ wine drinker".
I thought "she'll be fine - right? I mean - it will fix itself" on the outside....
On the inside I was THE SCREAM..... that painting by Edvard Munch
1) swear
2) shake your head and snicker
3) pick up the pieces. put it back together and hope that it still works.
For the last five months, my life has been the human equivalence of dropping your phone. Five months ago I fell in love all over again with a sweet little angel named Rory Lee Ann. I believe I mentioned her the last time I was able to blog- which was before the holidays, and for that I apologize to my faithful readers. I was incapable of stringing together a coherent sentence (or a thought, for that matter) since my last installment. In the last blog did mention that I was incredibly happy to welcome my granddaughter, although she kind of had a shaky start.
A shaky start is putting it mildly, but as I said I was not able to put into words my thoughts and feelings. Yeah I know, you're thinking- that's what you do, kid- that's your thing....you talk about life stuff- good bad and hilarious. You're absolutely right, my friends. Blogging has gotten me through cancers, loss of friends human and animal alike, job changes and five or six musical productions. But this was too much- way too much, I actually felt if I were to write about it - that would make it all too real.
It was just a mummer they said- common, right? Well upon further investigation, it was more than that- there were three little "glitches" in her heart - two which may correct themselves. one probably not-but it was too soon to tell- she was three days old. for goodness sake. So what do I do with this information? Me- a former panic stricken worrier-although as I have gotten older I have become less of a "hypochondriac/fretter" and more of a "oh yeah? bring it/ wine drinker".
I thought "she'll be fine - right? I mean - it will fix itself" on the outside....
On the inside I was THE SCREAM..... that painting by Edvard Munch
According to the doctors. (that my incredibly brave and strong daughter took her daughter to weekly) Rory was a text book case, Watch for symptoms (let's add insightful and intelligent to the "strong and brave" description of my daughter) yep...after four weeks.... symptoms. She started on a medication to make sure fluid didn't build up in her lungs- she was slow gaining weight because her heart, her metabolism burned off all her calories. Sounds like a great thing, sure, except for she was struggling to hit 10 lbs.- which she finally did just weeks before her OPEN HEART SURGERY. WHAT????
It was 4 1/2 months of watching her struggle to eat and breathe, yet smile and develop like a "normal" baby, She's fine, I just kept praying and believing that it would be okay...she wont need that surgery. That isn't how this is going to be, right St. Jude- I mean you're the hopeless cases guy-you're gonna fix this for me.
It was 4 1/2 months of this little family-doing their best to keep things normal for a little boy who just started preschool and has a new little sister in his world. This smart little boy, who I am sure sensed things were a bit off-for lack of a better word.
It was 4 1/2 months of an incredible extended family (and friends and angels) who were there for support and encouragement -even if they didn't know the extent of the situation.
The situation was Rory needs this surgery so why not do it while she is little so she won't remember. Sbe will heal quickly and then be able to get on with her life in front of the eight ball instead of behind.
It was 4 1/2 months of watching her struggle to eat and breathe, yet smile and develop like a "normal" baby, She's fine, I just kept praying and believing that it would be okay...she wont need that surgery. That isn't how this is going to be, right St. Jude- I mean you're the hopeless cases guy-you're gonna fix this for me.
It was 4 1/2 months of this little family-doing their best to keep things normal for a little boy who just started preschool and has a new little sister in his world. This smart little boy, who I am sure sensed things were a bit off-for lack of a better word.
It was 4 1/2 months of an incredible extended family (and friends and angels) who were there for support and encouragement -even if they didn't know the extent of the situation.
The situation was Rory needs this surgery so why not do it while she is little so she won't remember. Sbe will heal quickly and then be able to get on with her life in front of the eight ball instead of behind.
So fast forward to the end of February- just last week....we coordinated the who's, the wheres. the hows and the WTF's and Rory headed to Rochester for surgery.
RED ELEVATORS
I will always remember taking the red elevators up to the pediatric cardiac intensive care operating waiting room or whatever that little room from hell was called. Riding the red elevators knowing that all our lives can be changed today.
I will always remember taking the red elevators up to the pediatric cardiac intensive care operating waiting room or whatever that little room from hell was called. Riding the red elevators knowing that all our lives can be changed today.
For those who FACEBOOK you know-She came through it amazingly well - her heart was mended and was "working beautifully"- she was breathing on her own by that evening and I believe I finally was as well. I think I may have even exhaled for the first time in a long time....but I made sure to hold my breath in a little longer- it was still early. The days after the surgery are kind of a fuzzy blur but I know when we rode those red elevators to see her ... we found she was taken off the monitors and the IVs and was dubbed the ROCK STAR of the floor. Did we expect anything less from this little scrapper! What I didn't expect was two day after OPEN HEART SURGERY- she would be laying there in this too big hospital bed, with a 6 inch incision (1/4 of her body) that she would look over at me and stick out her little tongue and try to make a little raspberry sound- (something I have been teaching her to do like every obnoxious Gaga should). But I swear when our eyes connected- something... shifted- I felt it and I don't know, maybe you did or the whole universe did too. But I felt like she was telling me - I'm fine and now we are going to have many chances to do more silly, obnoxious things together. I literally shook me and it is now a new entry in the list of moments that I will never be able to forget- or want to.
I will also always remember the night slept in her hospital room because she was moved out of intensive care (in record time I might add). I rocked her to sleep as I watched February turn into March, Alabama Shakes sang on Saturday Night Live and I knew there was a sweet, happy ending to this Rory Story.
I will also always remember the night slept in her hospital room because she was moved out of intensive care (in record time I might add). I rocked her to sleep as I watched February turn into March, Alabama Shakes sang on Saturday Night Live and I knew there was a sweet, happy ending to this Rory Story.
So there you have it- that was the five days that kind of put an end to my sleepwalking through the last five months and I can't stop smiling. You know that moment when you wake up and you don't have a care in the world...well that moment goes on all day for me! I pray thankful prayers and even though it is freaking 4 below outside and there is an ass ton of snow- my world is full of sunshine- and that sunshine comes from these little loves of my life, especially this new one with the mended heart!
Of course, I came home from Rochester to a mother in the hospital, yet again - Things are not so good- not so good at all... but that is for another blog. I will soon be selling tickets to my emotional roller coaster ride and you are all invited to read/ride along as I venture into whatever lies ahead. So I guess for now I will continue to swear (after Lent) shake my head and snicker a little as I pick up the pieces and try to put everything back together and continue to hope it still works....or maybe it's time to get a new phone- just saying.
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