Well here it is the February already and so far so good with resolutions. Mainly because I really didn’t make any. Well that’s not entirely true. In other years about one o’clock on New Year’s Day I’ve said the statement “ Fuck it – I’m not going to the gym, I’m going to eat the rest of these Christmas cookies, polish off this Bailey’s and judge other people.” Boom!!! All the resolutions -done!
This year I decided to give myself a little break. If you have been following my adventures –the last three years have been a bit…trying. So I have made the following resolutions:
I will NOT cut down on my swearing. I have decided swearing is good for the soul. It helps when you’re driving and some FuckAss © doesn’t know how to drive in one inch of snow- using some profanity eases the pain. The whole idea of Fuck it- is such a freeing thought. Examples? Sure-
I didn’t take anything out for dinner- fuck it, let’s go out
These jeans don’t fit like they used to- fuck it I’m wearing yoga pants
I should really go to bed- fuck it, one more episode of House of Cards (or insert any binge-able show)
I will not burn the garlic bread. I have yet to make garlic bread without sounding the smoke alarms. We have hence renamed it “Oh Shit Garlic Bread” (See above ) and the beeping begins and the lady (who is this lady?) says” evacuate -evacuate”—seriously…it’s garlic bread not plutonium.
I will DVR everything I watch- I don’t know what has happened to me lately – but I fall asleep approximately 48 minutes into any program I watch. If it’s a movie, I miss usually the most pivotal part of the movie and wake up saying…wait? What? Rewind...."wow I missed a lot"
If it’s a 60 minute drama – I miss the entire ending and then try to figure out how this completely different show fits into the one I was originally watching
So now I DVR everything and yes that means FINAL JEPORADY
I will not panic about the fact that I fall asleep so suddenly
I will visit the ladies’ room before going anywhere -This is another new phenomenon in my life. I am now those ladies in commercials I used to laugh at. Oh, the eye rolls I gave my mom when she would say “I better go or I’ll never make it”. Make what? I used to think ...now I know – You’ll never make the Olympic Dry Pants team. Holy shit – this is real and I have the embarrassing stories/laundry to prove it. And for the record – Holy shit is just a phrase- I am not ready for the “Oops I crapped my pants” ….yet
I will not panic about my lack of bladder control/ nor will I share “wet my pants” stories
If I want to do something-I’m doing it – Why are you seeing Springsteen again –haven’t you seen him 15 times? Why are you going to two Springsteen concert in three days. – My anwer to that is why not...well actually "fuck it,why not?" Seriously, the days of the two concerts fall on the year anniversary of my granddaughter’s open heart surgery. (I still get the chills at that phrase). I spent four days in Rochester, last year watching what turned out to be the miracle of her recovery, knowing that back home – my mom was being admitted to the hospital. What I didn’t know was she would never make it home from that hospital ….So, yeah- I can give my Bruce 2 days.
I will allow myself to cry- Something happened to me since my last blog. I don’t know if it was the holidays or the hormones but I cannot STOP crying. Hang on–it’s not a bad thing. I mean, I’m not sad- but when I am-the flood gates open….also when I’m happy, hear a song, see an old friend, enjoy a good meal, try on pants that fit and anytime the babies do something adorable which is um…all the time- I tear up! I tear up and it feels good damn it! I am not going to retract the blog – I still don’t do sadness – but when I do- a good cry is welcomed almost deserved – kind of like, it’s my menopause and I’ll cry if I want to.
I will preface all my judging with “not to judge but….” Okay, I am a Judgy McJudgster. I even judged myself for using that stupid Blanky Mc Blankster phase. There is nothing like a good session of ragging on people with the gals- “She’s starting to look old” (well, ya…me too) “She put on some pounds” (ditto)- Of course it’s not nice – and I fully expect /give permission to others to judge me.( hence the italic, bolded words in parenthesis). I don't do it to be mean...usually it's for a laugh...but-
I will openly judge those who 1) do not do their job- from the lady at Citibank mortgage company who said I skipped a mortgage payment when it is automatically taken out of my account BY THEM twice a month to the ever torturing Tim Horton’s employee who just can’t seem to get a handle on medium black dark roast to go. Do your fucking job- I do mine. Yes we all make mistakes – but if your job is pouring coffee, keeping tabs on my money, mailing out my Amazon order, fixing the copier, answering phone calls or again, pouring coffee (yes it’s that important) DO YOUR FUCKING JOB!
I will also openly judge you if 2) you are deliberately mean to others. Even when you don’t do you job- I will not be mean to you- I’ve been known to be somewhat sarcastic (pausing for your sarcastic remark) - but I won’t be mean – unless you are mean first – then it’s on Bitch! - I am amazed at people who are outwardly nasty- we have all had that “day from fuck”© – but that doesn’t give anyone the right to be disrespectful and rude, now does it? A tragedy occurred recently that I can’t even talk about yet because I’m still processing it. There is a big part of me that feels if you are good to your fellow human being-some of these awful things maybe won’t happen. I guess it’s naïve- bad things are bound to happen to people – but it’s certainly worth a try. Not to sound like a Facebook Meme- but what does it cost to smile or share a nice word. A compliment (not a back handed one either) and a thank you goes a hell of a long way- it does with me anyway. So let’s play nice!
Lastly I will openly judge you if you 3) tell me how bad this potato chip/cookie/ chicken wing/chocolate covered anything is for me. Shut up!!! And for the record…no one wants to know how far you ran either. I don’t tell you how many mini crescent roll hot dogs I’ve eaten-nor do I put it on a bumper sticker-I just proudly own it – mostly around my big ass.
I will throw out my old…. Oh just fill in the blank- Throw out my old make-up- when your eyeliner or lipstick hurts to apply –it’s time for a new one…Throw out …old nail polish- good Lord- it’s like 99 cents if you’re desperate for a new color, that glop of goo that doesn’t even spread with that loooong stringy residue-yeah toss it …it was an impulse sparkly teal color choice anyway. Throw out….old bills and junk mail Did you know that if you keep it on your table too long- it multiplies- for reals well it must...that’s the only explanation I could think of! I don't need to keep bills or the "this is not a bill" ones or any other piece of paper I can easily get online. Plus, if my maiden name is on it...it's gone!. Throw out ….leftovers – now that it’s February –that cranberry sauce in the cool whip container can GO!!! No one is going to eat one half eaten pork chop and some sad looking corn that was semi covered with Saran Wrap….at least I think that’s what is was. Throw out old hard feelings and hurt- don’t hang on to the negative –This is a tough one- I forgive but I don’t always forget. Unless you can laugh at it or maybe dare I say learn from it, just pull an Elsa and let it go- or better yet, judge it and move on.
So there you have it a whole bunch of resolutions that I think I can actually keep! So Dear 2016, I will be swearing, eating not burnt garlic bread with fresh make up on judging away- hopefully wide awake with dry pants- Sincerely yours- Bloggy McBlogster -ps. no judgments....just sayin’
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