I CAN'T

Hi Friends!!!
I haven't blogged for what looks like about six months. Don't let the title fool you- it's not a cop out...but whenever I had time to sit and rant...I can't - I have to do this or that...I actually deleted some half written blogs and some crazy cool blog titles.  I started to put my thoughts down  - I thought - I can't but after this or that ....I can.  Cop Out - I hear you all saying it.
I find my self saying I Can't on a regular basis...it's not so much the physicality of I Can't ( that's mostly I WONT!) It's the emotional I CAN'T! Isn't that what all the kids are saying ( or were saying on) the social media/interwebs!  I CAN'T ....I CAN NOT .....or the extreme I CAN'T EVEN!

I like the phrase - it covers all the bases  - it lets others know how you really feel - it makes me feel good to say it.  It is much like another phrase I am known for saying but it's much more acceptable in
public settings -like the school I work at !

Can't is usually a negative word...I can't go or I can't afford it.  Now, for me - it's I Can't handle it - although I still can't afford it -whatever it maybe.

My emotions have been working overtime these past few months.  My last blog ( that I didn't delete) was about loss.  Those losses are still in my world but so much happy has pushed it to the back burner for the time being.

It has been wedding season for that last 18 months in my little world.  My baby girl got married last July and my son got married just one month ago.  In between was my niece, a cousin, some friends, Megan and Harry and my nephew - well he just got engaged but he is on his way!!   I Can't with all the love !!!
My boy's wedding day was a collage of I CAN'T moments that I will always keep close to my heart.  The morning of the big day- we had breakfast and hung out in the hotel suite before anyone got else got there....had some coffee, waited for the sun to come out and listened to Hamilton.* ( memory*) .  I asked him what song we were all walking into the reception to and he played it for me.  It was John Legend's Love Me Now.  I heard it for the first time and burst  in to tears- it was perfect...I said I knew he would pick a great song - he told me "she picked it" and I said "and that's why you  are marrying her"  * Listen to it if you get a chance- I Can't - literally- not with  out sobbing!
Speaking of sobbing- there was his face when he saw her*- his vows-*her vows* - his sisters' beautiful crying face watching their brother *- my little loves (I'll get to them later) throwing flowers in the air when the were pronounced husband and wife....****** all fabulous memories- but then came our dance.   I have sobbed through my husband dancing with both our girls...but now it was my turn. I Can't ...I thought as they called us up to the dance floor. I thought about this moment  for a while- like when he got engaged, no when he met her...no, when he was old enough to drive... or was it when he started kindergarten- actually.... it was when I decided to name his Christopher....because we danced to the Kenny Loggins song about Christopher Robin-Listen to it if you get a chance-I Can't...EVEN.  I cried- he laughed- he cried -I laughed* Best memory ever!

Those are the happy I CAN'Ts  Seeing my children build their lives and my ever growing grandchildren- with each milestone- I can't...looking at their beautiful faces -I can't ...their excitement to be in my company still ( believe me, that list of people who feel that way is getting shorter by the moment) I just can't. The love I feel for them is  overwhelming, I can't...breathe sometimes!!

There is another overwhelming and almost stunting I CAN'T  that I feel when I look at what our country has become.  I don't care who you are - who you like or what party you belong to. There is something wrong out there.  The hate - the lies - the blaming  - the disregard for other human beings .... I CAN'T...another shooting- I can't  ..another hate rally...I can't ...the election bullshit...just the general childish bullshit of the administration. I really CAN NOT . But here is what I CAN do- VOTE!!! That I will do ...and hope for the best. I hope to not have to bring my other favorite phrase - also know as WHAT THE FUCK-into play. I have been saying that every time I watch the news!!!

  In the  last few weeks I have witnessed the loss of two young women, both situations heartbreaking ..I Can't  ....imagine the pain and grief . So sad ...so young .  It got me thinking ...maybe I should open up a can of CANS.
I CAN make everyday count.  I CAN choose to be a kind person.  I CAN give people the benefit of the doubt and not judge (that's a tough one) I CAN do what it takes to make the world a better place ...my little world  and everyone else's.  I CAN do what it takes to be...better !
So no more inappropriate comments and snarks remarks...no more exaggerated stories and obnoxious...oh who am I kidding ...I CAN'T ... even finish that sentence...jusy sayin

Broken Heart / Face with Tear

      Those have been my emojis of choice these last few months.  Broken Heart/Face with Tear.  The events of this past month have rendered me speechless- if you can believe it.  I am at a loss for words with all the loss that people have been experiencing in my little world.   This past month we lost my father in law. He was a sharp, smart man with a big booming laugh.  About a week before the end he was still that man and then, he wasn’t.  Fortunately, or Un- it was about a week between Hospice and Wake- so fast…SO fast.  Kind of like a “wait …what?” situation, but our family rallied, as we do – and got through it and we comforted and leaned on each other…. many heart emojis. Just as

we were “getting through” that, my brother in law’s mom passed away- Broken Heart/Face with tear add a surprised shocked emoji!!  That just happened to fall on the day we were planning on celebrating what would have been my sister in law’s 60thbirthday. As if that day isn’t heartbreaking enough. It’s a lot to process in the first paragraph, right? (Shrugging shoulder emoji)

I know that people out there reading this can relate and maybe match it –heartache to heartache.  It just seems I have been posting that Broken Heart on so many Facebook posts. People losing people- people losing pets- illnesses- it’s all so sad and almost overwhelming!!  So overwhelming, I had to blog about it. At the wake for my father in law, a friend of ours asked me if I had been blogging lately. I think I have mentioned before that I don’t seem to blog when things are moving smoothly in my life (thumbs up emoji.) I am a therapeutic blogger- for me and hopefully for others.  It helps and it is cheaper to put pen to paper or fingers to keys than to pay an actual therapist- (money bag with wings flying away).  Up until the first paragraph- things were – dare I say – going smoothly- well maybe not smoothly – but definitely - - going! Happy kids, happy pets, family fun, wedding preparations… I sometimes wonder do people like to hear about other peoples’ good fortune- 

Do I? hells no!! - face palm and smiley -That is not true- I am happy for others –just don’t push it with more than two major vacations – er-kay?!?

I believe I have gotten past the point in my life where I am envious of others- I still use the eye roll emoji accompanied by a “must. be. nice”.  It’s mostly when I see palm tree/beach pictures in the midst of the never-ending winter we’ve had (snowflake snowflake snowflake).  But I know I may be at the other end of the eye rolls as I post a billion pictures of my grandchildren and all our family adventures.  All happy things and I hope people aren’t sick of hearing about it – 

Being Sicilian, we live in fear of the Malocchio – (there actually IS an emoji- it looks like the cool rock and roll hand –index and pinkie up- but it’s evil I tell ya EVIL).  I have often said being Sicilian is like a part time job what with all the worrying and the grudges.  My mom made sure we had little red ribbons pinned to each of our baby’s cribs to ward off the “maloch”. But wait it gets worse…you can never trust a compliment- Oh Lord no- they don’t mean it – they’re jealous (this explains volumes – I just recently learned to say thank you when complimented – instead of making a joke).  A few years back – it seemed to me like my hair was falling out a bit (due to stress and age, I’m sure) but I was like THOSE BASTARDS – always with the “I wish I had hair like yours” … Malocchio bitches!!! 

On the other hand, if you complimented someone – you would always have to say God Bless after- “He has such beautiful eyes- God bless ‘em”. So because of years and years of paranoia and red ribbons, you can bet I have always been a bit leery about sharing (not bragging) good news- because people are jealous by nature and if you are Sicilian by chance, you’re downright dangerous (God Bless ya) Italian flag

I guess you have to go through some sad face times to get to the happy face- dare I say hearts in eyes happy face time.  I spent most of the winter using the sick mask face as I turned down many an invitation- I am all about the emoji reply. (Let me clarify that I started thinking about this blog BEFORE I watched the Emoji Movie with my grandchildren.  I was all “why didn’t I think of that” quizzical thinking emoji) But please don’t let it replace precious words.  Let them be enhancements!!!   Sometimes after a long conversation and carefully placed wide eyed face (my personal favorite) or upside down face says it all.  Please note-since I am a word girl – I wrote out the emoji descriptions and didn’t use the actual emoji (mostly because I couldn’t figure out how to) but damn it they fun. And when you have two deaths in ten days and a side of a dad in the hospital scare…fun is what you crave!

Social media connects you to so many people so it seems like you know about more hardships and good ships (?) lollypop emoji- duh. I am not an obituary reader or a member of the “guess who died club” (that is kind of my parents’ generation where wakes were social outings)- so I appreciate knowing about the sad posts and I do so love the babies and pets and the occasional food posts!  By the way, eggplant doesn’t always mean parmesan and the scattered raindrops ..that mean something different too ….these damn kids with their sexting!!

So as we navigate through the sadness only to look forward to the happiness that is in our future- we will remember to cherish the family and friend time because finger snap emoji is how fast it can change…wait… there isn’t a finger snap-  horrified cat with blank white eyes- head exploding-  purple devil – eggs in a pan- Spanish dancer…. American flag American flag-!!!!  Looks like I will have to look for a gif   - just sayin’                                                                                         No emojis were harmed in the writing of this blog …. 

Warm Thoughts on a Cold Day

We got a cold day!!! The weather community is so excited because the predicted sub zero temperature came true.  Living here my whole life, I have clung on the weather report for dear life-
will we have school tomorrow?  how is it going to be when we finally get a week at the beach? where the fuck am I going to put 30 people if it rains? Those questions are usually answered with - brush 'just enough snow so I can see" off the car and get to work,  it's not too c-c-c-cold to go in the w-w-w-water and well we can eat in shifts - just clear off my bed and enjoy the pasta salad. 
But this time, we got our cold day and better yet, they announced it the afternoon before!  I do have to admit, I kind of missed the alphabet countdown of schools where we land somewhere between Jollytime Day Care and King of Everything Holy Church!  So as I sit with my coffee- still in my Christmas mug.  I get a chance to review the year that was and look to the year ahead. 

This past year was an emotional one, as I married off my baby girl.  It made me think my life (of course, it's all about me) and where I fit into my own world.  I have been feeling a little schitzo lately and by lately I mean about 50 years.  Speaking of 50 years,  I am a couple years away from a big scary number...I dare say I am pushing it- in more ways than one, but more on that later.
The planning of the shower and wedding was so enjoyable.  There were minimal eye rolls, at least the ones I saw... there were things I might have done differently, but she was smart and didn't buy into the trends of the dreaded Pintrest and social media pressures of having the most unique hashtagged wedding EV-ER.  I felt such a part of the process, right there with the bachelorette partiers and the mani - pedis!  I felt so cool and carefree- I had a fancy dress on, it was awesome!! I'm young...I'm young- I thought- but nothing brings you back to reality like writing a big ass check for the balance of the wedding- I'm the mom...I'm the mom...and I have signifacantly less money!
Okay, so I can be a little of both- I think most people in my age group feel that way.  I can't believe we are as old as we are.... seeing your kids grow up and get married and have kids-  when did this happen? Wasn't it just yesterday I was screaming my head off at a Bruce Springsteen concert.
Oh wait - that was just yesterday.

A few months ago I saw my favorite, not once but twice....thanks to my sister in law/ partner in all things Bruce! We saw him at a benefit concert and then traveled to NYC  to see him on Broadway.  My loyal followers know I heart NY and know my way around a bit. I was taken to task because my partner did not.  So I had do my best Dora the Explorer armed with  Google Maps and remembered the streets go one way the avenues go the other. I was able to maneuver us around the city like a boss ( pun intended).  I found the theater, gluten free restaurants, Penn Station and all this from the girl that still gets turned around in mall.  I'm a grown up I'm a grown up!  Cut to the scene out side the theater waiting/ not stalking  for a glimpse of my idol. There he is - he waved at me I know he did OMGEEEEEE !!!!  So much for being a grown up.  See what I mean schit-zo!!!

The day before my daughter got married she said she had a gift for me.  I said - I don't want or need a gift ( lying - I love gifts but did not feel it necessary).  She handed me an envelope which stated that we were going to Disney World in December to see the Christmas light.  WHAT?  Um, OKAY!
We were just there last summer with the whole family and I got to see my grandchildren experience Disney, something I was never able to do for my own kids. So now we were going, just the two of us. I have been a huge Disney fan since Dumbo's mom cradled him with her trunk to the tune of Baby Mine- thanks a lot Walt- you have been making me cry for decades.  This trip was no different.  My daughter lost count of the time I would burst into tears- when we saw the castle all lit up, when we saw the castle during the day, when we saw Mickey at breakfast, when we saw the fireworks ...anytime they played When You Wish Upon a Star.....which was a lot.  The cry count was only rivaled by the number of times I said..."Where's my Phone"....which was a lot.  She led us around the parks with me in my Minnie Mouse ears and we had, dare I say...a magical time!
Then we had to go tho the airport...(insert ominous music chord). To say my daughter is a bad flyer- is well an understatement...think of the airport scene in Rain Man. Well , maybe not that bad - but at one point I felt like I was Leslie Nielsen in Airplane double slapping that one passenger!  That's when the mom kicked in.  We talked it out - I distracted and annoyed her all the way to Boston and then another quick flight home, for some reason she was much more relaxed for ( I know I am thinking it too- schitzo - like her mom), we were back to real life. But I have to say it was one of the best times and I look forward to our next trip when I am a grandma again!!

Weddings...trips...my son's engagement and upcoming wedding...my darling grandson and granddaughter....family ...friends who are family...shows and the show people ---those are the warm thought I want to hold onto in the cold of January.  But reality, like the cold, bites.  I lost my uncle right before Christmas- he was my mom's beloved brother.  Such a nice, kind , generous man...he called me JoJo and I loved that. We aren't a nickname type of family-so I thought it was so cool that he called me that even down to the last time I saw him on Thanksgiving! We brought the whole holiday to him since he was ailing and I orchestrated the whole dinner. It was stressful and organized chaos - but that's my life description- because it was wonderful.  I was a kid and a grown up that day. I brought the dinner to them and my family and their culinary contributions like the unwilling matriarch I have become.  But then he called me JoJo and I was seven years old!  I am glad that is my last memory of him.  He and my aunt never had grandchildren and I was more than happy to share my kids and their kids with him!! I think my mom would be proud that we took care of him 'til the end. Boom...just like that, I am a kid again.
This life of mine....it's a constant tennis match of young vs. old,  childlike decisions vs. adult sensibility,  diet vs. donuts.  My hatred of technology and my dependency on my often missing and uncharged phone.  My daily struggle of -when I'm home, I think of all the people out having fun (fomo as the damn kids call it) and when I'm getting ready to go out, all I want to do is stay home.  What is that ? Is it that I am never satisfied? I don't think that is it because I'm pretty low maintenance. Like bring me a coffee and I'm your friend FOR LIFE!!!!!
 I wonder if it is an age thing and that number that's lurking around the corner. I have my feet in both worlds I guess.  I roll my eyes at the high school kids and all their "anxiety" ( the new buzz word )  but then I anxiously try on a billion outfits before work at said high school.  I don't care what people think of me anymore but I would feel really bad if they thought me unkind.  I feel comfortable in a political conversation ( as long as you agree with me ) as I do about who my favorite Paw Patrol pup is ( as long as you agree with me ...and it's Marshall by the way.) I am a woman of two minds -I gladly gave up my carefree, no responsibility life when I became a  mom at 23 and never looked back.  But I will proudly wear my Minnie Mouse ears and a woman's march and look schizophrenically at the next big scary decade.
So as I look out at the beautiful tundra which is my front yard and think....it's fricken' hot in here.
Ahhh the joys of being a woman of that certain age....just sayin'.