I CAN'T

Hi Friends!!!
I haven't blogged for what looks like about six months. Don't let the title fool you- it's not a cop out...but whenever I had time to sit and rant...I can't - I have to do this or that...I actually deleted some half written blogs and some crazy cool blog titles.  I started to put my thoughts down  - I thought - I can't but after this or that ....I can.  Cop Out - I hear you all saying it.
I find my self saying I Can't on a regular basis...it's not so much the physicality of I Can't ( that's mostly I WONT!) It's the emotional I CAN'T! Isn't that what all the kids are saying ( or were saying on) the social media/interwebs!  I CAN'T ....I CAN NOT .....or the extreme I CAN'T EVEN!

I like the phrase - it covers all the bases  - it lets others know how you really feel - it makes me feel good to say it.  It is much like another phrase I am known for saying but it's much more acceptable in
public settings -like the school I work at !

Can't is usually a negative word...I can't go or I can't afford it.  Now, for me - it's I Can't handle it - although I still can't afford it -whatever it maybe.

My emotions have been working overtime these past few months.  My last blog ( that I didn't delete) was about loss.  Those losses are still in my world but so much happy has pushed it to the back burner for the time being.

It has been wedding season for that last 18 months in my little world.  My baby girl got married last July and my son got married just one month ago.  In between was my niece, a cousin, some friends, Megan and Harry and my nephew - well he just got engaged but he is on his way!!   I Can't with all the love !!!
My boy's wedding day was a collage of I CAN'T moments that I will always keep close to my heart.  The morning of the big day- we had breakfast and hung out in the hotel suite before anyone got else got there....had some coffee, waited for the sun to come out and listened to Hamilton.* ( memory*) .  I asked him what song we were all walking into the reception to and he played it for me.  It was John Legend's Love Me Now.  I heard it for the first time and burst  in to tears- it was perfect...I said I knew he would pick a great song - he told me "she picked it" and I said "and that's why you  are marrying her"  * Listen to it if you get a chance- I Can't - literally- not with  out sobbing!
Speaking of sobbing- there was his face when he saw her*- his vows-*her vows* - his sisters' beautiful crying face watching their brother *- my little loves (I'll get to them later) throwing flowers in the air when the were pronounced husband and wife....****** all fabulous memories- but then came our dance.   I have sobbed through my husband dancing with both our girls...but now it was my turn. I Can't ...I thought as they called us up to the dance floor. I thought about this moment  for a while- like when he got engaged, no when he met her...no, when he was old enough to drive... or was it when he started kindergarten- actually.... it was when I decided to name his Christopher....because we danced to the Kenny Loggins song about Christopher Robin-Listen to it if you get a chance-I Can't...EVEN.  I cried- he laughed- he cried -I laughed* Best memory ever!

Those are the happy I CAN'Ts  Seeing my children build their lives and my ever growing grandchildren- with each milestone- I can't...looking at their beautiful faces -I can't ...their excitement to be in my company still ( believe me, that list of people who feel that way is getting shorter by the moment) I just can't. The love I feel for them is  overwhelming, I can't...breathe sometimes!!

There is another overwhelming and almost stunting I CAN'T  that I feel when I look at what our country has become.  I don't care who you are - who you like or what party you belong to. There is something wrong out there.  The hate - the lies - the blaming  - the disregard for other human beings .... I CAN'T...another shooting- I can't  ..another hate rally...I can't ...the election bullshit...just the general childish bullshit of the administration. I really CAN NOT . But here is what I CAN do- VOTE!!! That I will do ...and hope for the best. I hope to not have to bring my other favorite phrase - also know as WHAT THE FUCK-into play. I have been saying that every time I watch the news!!!

  In the  last few weeks I have witnessed the loss of two young women, both situations heartbreaking ..I Can't  ....imagine the pain and grief . So sad ...so young .  It got me thinking ...maybe I should open up a can of CANS.
I CAN make everyday count.  I CAN choose to be a kind person.  I CAN give people the benefit of the doubt and not judge (that's a tough one) I CAN do what it takes to make the world a better place ...my little world  and everyone else's.  I CAN do what it takes to be...better !
So no more inappropriate comments and snarks remarks...no more exaggerated stories and obnoxious...oh who am I kidding ...I CAN'T ... even finish that sentence...jusy sayin