April May and Junior

This blog title comes from a crazy dream I had many years ago.  It was a dream /nightmare that I had triplets (that’s right triplets) two girls and a boy and I named them April, May and Junior.  I guess if I actually did have the triplets I could have blamed those names on temporary ( or permanent ) insanity.  Well upon waking up...I sighed a sigh of relief and a good laugh about it with my actual two girls and boy.
I guess I need to tie it all together because this blog is about April May and June with a twist of dreams and nightmares.
APRIL: On April 1st...I entered into a new decade.... a big scary number...which I will talk about at nauseum for the next year because I will actually turn that big scary on number March 31... dream or nightmare-take your pick - I am happy to be blissfully wandering this earth after a couple of months of sibling health scares.  There was announcements of retirements in my office ...which always tends to shake things up...my normal everyday comfort zone may very well become a hazard zone.  Two brand spanking new people will be looking to me for answers I don’t have and I think I just might become the oldest person in the office (see big scary number).  Dream or Nightmare...stayed tuned friends...stay tuned.  Also April was the start of all my kids going on all kinds of vacations/
honeymoons.  Now I remember as a kid...young adult, my mother losing her shit if we were not in a 10 mile radius -and I’m being generous.  We would plan vacations- and she would give us that “I
don’t feel good about this” look - also know as the Italian Bon Voyage.   I get it now - I’m a momma bear!... I want my cubs close. But damn...I will suffer in silence as they go to Florida (no biggie) save for all the airline bullshit that happenedall over the world, days before they leave.  I will said my
prayers to St Christopher and St. Jude as my Christopher and his wife go to Europe.  For two weeks I
had the same feeling as I had when I thought I was having those fucking dream triplets. But damn-they got to live their dream vacation-how cool is that? He got to see a Liverpool “football” match LIVE - which I assume is his version of me in the 4th row of Springsteen on Broadway....dream !!!
The Mr. and I took a little trip as well. We went to celebrate the big scary number birthday of my best friend. We took in a Broadway show and had a wonderful and memorable dinner with his family. A dinner that I will never forget- more about that later.

MAY:  Vacations continue- this time my little loves went to Disney. I’m not jealous I’m not jealous. Our whole family went a couple years ago ( I kept telling myself). They are at the dream age now -they are going to have so much more fun being that much older. I’m not je
alous I’m not jealous. Oh did I mention they went with their other grandparents ....okay I’m fucking jealous!  All those memories that I am not a part of...I have to admit it was hard...not a nightmare...but hard.
For some reason this year- I have been missing my mom ...a lot.  Maybe all the weddings and preparations of the last three years have kept me preoccupied. Then I had the dream, these damn dreams.  Usually she is happy in my dreams and they are nice little visits -but not this time - it was a nightmare.  She was scared and sickly ( like she was last time I saw her) I made me so sad and confused. What is she trying to tell me? My youngest bear cub said “maybe she was telling you that this is how it would be if she was here walking the earth-sick, scared and sad”... the earth that I am blissfully  wandering in.  Wise words and my dreams , featuring my mom, have been back to happy visits since then..thanks Little Cub.   So I got through Mother’s Day...BEARly. Then I get the text...from my best friend who we celebrated with 19 days before. His wife...my Goomadi...(we are each other baby’s godmothers) is in the hospital...tests...stomach issues maybe gall bladder (cringe...that’s what my husband 7 years ago) backaches (double cringe-that is never good). But we are all in good spirits and are trading pun filled texts and funny GIFs. 19 days later... I get a call- I never get a call ...where’s our pun filled text. The last time call was  not good news and this call..right before Memorial Weekend was to say she has neoendocrinepancreaticcancer.....I will always hear it as one long awful word....what the fuck ....Night. Mare.  Less than a week later ...just 38 days after enjoying a riotously funny birthday dinner celebration ..she left this earth.  What the actual fuck!

JUNE:Hold it together -Hold it together..I do hold it together to attend my baby girls dance recital...a dream for sure.  Every time that little girl does any thing it is extra special knowing how she spent the first 4 1/2 months of her life. (Go back to the archives and read the blog called “The Rory Story”...a nightmare and dream - in that order ...Thanks God!) I also got to attend the wedding of a dear friend and his partner. A dream for them for sure. Times being as they are and all.  After more than a few delicious, delicious signature wedding drinks...I needed to face the nightmare.  I have to get to New Jersey for this wake and memorial.  Not I want to..I HAVE TO.  My children were feverishly trying to make it all work..which was impossible since they all were just on freaking vacations. But I checked Planes, Trains and settled on Automobiles accompanied by my a past, preasent and future
partner in crime, Pamela...I drove ...made it in six hours...undeniably the WORST driver next to
 Toonses the Driving Cat (odd SNL reference , I know but that cat  always drove off a cliff)
It was like a dream drive-talking all the way...both of us thinking..how we gonna do this?  But we did..we were the grown ups who were there for our best friend going though the worst time. We had our laughs and tears and the best thing I could say was “see you in two weeks”.
My youngest and I had planned a trip to NY ...bought our train tickets moments before we got that hospital text on Mother’s Day... And go back I did this time accompanied by my son and daughter. We were on a sort of rescue mission to provide a diversion and I guess trying to
prolong the enviable realization that some one is missing.  She never participated in much of our nonsense, although appreciated and secretly enjoyed it, I’d like to believe. There was a void, certainly, but her presence was there- I felt it as I slept in my special Guest Room
that I slept in a few dozen times and just a couple months before.  My best friend accompanied us back to good old Buffalo...looking for answers I’m sure- answersthat will someday make themselves
known.... The answers may come in a dream..but for now its just a nightmare.
 
JULY: I started the month going to a freaking wake..a friend from elementary school..shit-she’s my age...almost that big scary number-and it doesn’t seem so scary any more when you think you may not get there. She passed away in June tho ...had to get one last one in, didn’t ya, mother fucking Junior. So I look to JULY and AUGUST filled with summer fun with my babies...and musical rehearsals. Mamma Mia this year- a dream show..-which begins and ends with a beautiful song about dreams”
..I have a dream ...a song to sing..that helps me through most everything. ....I believe in Angels ...something good in everything I see.”
So I think I will stick to dreaming - day and otherwise and look for angels and the good things they bring ...until the dreaded

SEPTEMBER: to be continued... I guess.  In olden times, nightmares were said to be evil spirits invading your sleep and dreams...don’t mess with my sleep, fucker...I got this big birthday coming up ...60...you don’t scare me ..just sayin’