527,040 Minutes...

Yes, I'm a musical freak - I have been told I have "Musical Tourettes"- bursting in to the appropriate  song ( usually Broadway) at any given situation....so yes, the final 2012 blog title kind of comes from the musical, RENT. Seasons of Love... "525,600 minutes how do you measure- measure a year?"
There are 525,600 minutes in a year. 365 x 24= 8,760  x 60, yeah I did the math.  Well this mother f**ker of a year had an extra day-an extra 24 hours, an extra 1,440 minutes.
Now for those who have read my rantings this year, know that I thought that 2012 pretty much sucked.  Oh it had some fine moments, some sweet memories and lovely connections with some wonderful people....but the majority of it just plain sucked with a capital F.  I am not going to rehash the past and I do have a theory of why it was so awful (it has to do with last New Year's Eve and the responsible party has been contacted).
I did go back and forth about a title for this final blog.. like  Apocalypse Now What?  or  I Did it Mayan Way ..or just plain WTF is Wrong with Everyone.
 But then this happened:
The events of the last 37 days, the last 888 hours, the last 54,280 minutes made me change my mind.  I lived a lifetime in the the last 37 days.  The only way to  make any sense of it is to break it down in minutes.

• The minute I came home from work and hearing my husband say he has cancer. (the day before the day before Thanksgiving- the kick off of holiday& family & celebration time- really?...REALLY??)
• The minute you tell your kids their dad has cancer. Kids who lost their aunt 10 years ago to cancer. Kids who are old enough to know what this means.  Kids who are all grown up but still look at you with those eyes like "you can fix this right?"
• The minute the doctor came in the room and told us that everything in life as we knew it is now different. It is now the "first day of the rest of your life"...his exact words.  Now I always thought that was a nice phrase...a good positive, "you're gonna make it after all" phrase. But it took on a different meaning when the doctor said it.  Everything is changed-it is the end of our world as we know it (fucking Mayans).
• The minute my whole family met in the pre-op room and put on those brave faces as we smiled and made jokes (cuz that's what we do) and we were all terrified.
• The minute the doctor came out to talk to us and told us how well it went and when the pathology report comes back  (in about a week...A WEEK??!!??) we will go from there. Let's just hope for a speedy recovery he said and walked away and I knew he didn't really have the answers either.
• The minute that the old man in the white old man car slammed into my car as I drove home from a 7 hour day at the hospital. That was the day after the surgery, the same day some piece of shit shot up an elementary school. The day I couldn't hold it in anymore.  I couldn't be brave girl any more...I was everything I despise...the damsel in distress..ick....crying in the rain over a minor fender bender (minor meaning  two grand in repairs). 

Now God works in mysterious ways- we all know that.  The gall bladder attack led to the colonoscopy which led to the discovery of the cancer and the doctor saying "good thing you came in when you did" . God, who I will always believe has a great sense of humor..gently pushed one car into another so I can have my mental breakdown instead of the stroke which I probably would have had by "handling it" my way.  I could have done with out the $2,000 in repairs there, God....but I digress-

• The minute(s) the ever headstrong patient  *peed *ate solid food *handled pain pills *walked and * passed gas (passing gas is a huge deal in hospitals...and yes it just as funny especially when you have the same maturity level as your 2 1/2 year old grandson . When I sat in the recovery room of the "lifesaving" colonoscopy it sounded like they were re-casting Blazing Saddles...donotlaughdonotlaughdonotlaugh).  All those minutes allowed him to go home in record time.
• The minute you realize who your real friends are. 

That is a toughy. I always equate to a strainer of sorts...you shake and shake ...some people fall through...some people are keepers...those are your friends.  The friends that show up at the hospital with that "I don't know what to do or say " look on their face but they come in anyways.  Who cares if it's awkward and uncomfortable...it's fucking cancer ....it's the epitome of awkward and uncomfortable....but those friends were there-damn it!  The friends who bring you food and those who collect money and those who made sure there was no pity in their voices (or anyone else's) when they talked. And those you didn't hear from at all...not even a FaceBook like--the laziest of friendship efforts.  Whatever...I do forgive  I do not forget. (I guess I can be a real c word...the other c word)

• The minute you buy a Christmas present not knowing if that is the last one you will ever buy him.
• The minute you decide to put that brave face back on and listen to the kids at school sing "Silent Night" and "Have yourself a Merry Little Christmas" and not fall apart.
• The minute you get good news (Christmas Eve...God, you are so funny)
• The minute the doctor says the official words  "you're cured"
• The minute you finally exhale!

So there you have it...all those freaking minutes. I will never forget them and don't want to go through them ever again thank you very much.  It was quite an experience...the C word...the Big C word ...the word you whisper, like it you say it out loud, you'll get it.  Cancer...I have said and/or thought about that word every minute of the last few weeks. I say it without fear...because you can't really hide from it- so you have to put on that brave face and deal.  I did.  I will continue to be that brave girl into 2013 ...and then some. ...
So I say good bye to you 20-fucking 12...as AAA tows my son's car away because it won't start...you had to get one last one in didn't ya. 
I am ready for a great new year  .. "we got a lot of livin' to do"...told ya..musical tourettes...
And as long as Tim Horton's makes coffee, Jack Daniels makes whiskey and we are still getting those fancy little prescription pain killers... I can handle what 2013 has in store... but I am breaking the pills in half now---just sayin'    Happy New Year!

A cool crazy life...

"This is not my life" is a phrase that has running through my mind lately.  I know all the kids these days are saying F***My Life ...and with my love of the F-word, you would think FML would be my phrase of choice. But it isn't.  I suppose it is because I'm not angry or fed up with my life...I am merely an observer on how bizarre-o life (mine or anyones) can be at any given moment. Sometimes these moments are cool, sometimes crazy.
I think a lot of the events of my life are inherent and inevitable.  The schizophrenia nature of  my life comes from the fact that my dad, the cool Bohemian artist who would listen to Bob Dylan at 2 AM and my crazy "what are people going to think" mom had profound influences on me. 
So here I am finding myself in situations both cool and crazy.
For example a couple weekends ago, before the devastation of the hurricane, my daughters and I went to NYC.  It was a perfect weekend.  We hopped on a plane and flew down to visit friends and family.  I don't fly a lot of places...I really don't really enjoy flying. But when I do, I always feel kind of cool....but on the inside I'm crazy.  But this time, one of my daughters cornered the market on crazy.  She isn't a good flyer is an understatement.  Although there was no vomit....there was a 55 minute threat of it.  I, being the good mother, pushed down my crazy to keep her cool.  "oh that was nothing...just an air pocket or something" ...when really I'm thinking "mayday mayday ...were going doooowwwnnnn..." COOL and CRAZY ....PS.. the flight home was brought to you by VODKA MARTINIS.
So we land, grabbed a cab, devoured a couple Magnolia cupcakes and met my very good friend at 30 Rock . COOL.   Later, that afternoon, we got our photos taken and showed ID's to have clearance to go backstage and watch a rehearsal of Saturday Night Live...whaaaaaaaaaaaaat ??? SO COOL!
Here I am looking at the stage where performers I've adored stood on. A stage that I would dream about being on ( c'mon, who hasn't) since the 70's.  I'm standing in the hallway looking at a wa;; of  pictures of all the hosts and musical guests when I hear a familiar voice. Oh it's just Tom Hanks...Tom Freaking Hanks.. COOLEST   EVER....I'll say it : '''This is not my life"

So let's look at the flip side...a couple weeks prior to my SNL coolness I picked up my Dad (who is in the middle of recovering from knee surgery) to go to the store.  He had to go to the store so he could return a box of oatmeal that he didn't want. Yup... oatmeal.  I, of course offered to do it which meant handing him the $3.79 and tossing the box in the trash. But no, he had to tell the "couldn't care less"customer service person himself that the oatmeal tasted funny...of course it did ....IT'S OATMEAL!!!!  CRAZY  I'll say it: "This is not my life"
Sometime these crazy cool events are directly related which makes me think I probably bring  all this on myself.
About a month ago I adopted 2 kittens from a rescue organization ...COOL.  I was talked into taking 2 kittens, which didn't take much talking into I must admit. They are brothers and adorable and when I decided to take both kittens there was actually a round of applause from everyone because I wasn't separating them...VERY COOL.  A few days ago I noticed that one of the kittens came down with a little cold.  The lady from the organization offered to bring me some meds for him.  So she asked if I would meet her in a convenient parking lot to make the pick up. A situation I like to call Breaking Sad.... on a beautiful sunny day for what seemed like forever I waited. What is everyone else doing today...I am spending my afternoon waiting for cat drugs  CA-RAZY..Let's all say it: "This is not my life."

The more I talk to people, the more I realize that we all find ourselves in situations that are both crazy/cool.  It just depends how you look at things.  Almost immediately after commenting on how tired I was from our whirlwind  weekend in the city and I have to start taking it easy, I found myself in Rochester ...on a school night no less to see Bruce Springsteen for the 14th time.  Half my friends thought COOL...the others...CRAZY.   As much as I sometimes hate to admit it, schizophrenic or not... this IS my life. I think the crazier it gets. the cooler it actually is.  So here I sit blogging away...one little kitten sitting on my lap so cool while the other is tangled up in the power cord of my laptop...so crazy  ....Coincidence, I think not....just sayin'

Wake me up when September ends....

I borrowed this title from Green Day, my 2 1/2 year old grandson's favorite band (go figure).  I do feel that these days Billie Joe Armstrong is probably having a worse time of it than I am...but  it's my blog and he's in rehab so I'm using it.
It's hard for me to believe but just a little better than a month ago I was sitting on the beach.  The beautiful Atlantic Ocean was at my feet.  I would wake up and see dolphins and my biggest worry was making sure there was enough sun screen in my lip balm so my mouth wouldn't go all Jolie on me again.   I was with some of the best people I know.  Although all my kids weren't able to go, I did have my grandson with me. It wasn't perfect but it was pretty damn close.  I read a book, I ate delicious seafood, had some drinks and tons of laughs.
I remember one afternoon in particular.  It was hot, but not unbearable as it was earlier in the day.  I was sitting with family & friends and can see my grandson playing in a little tide pool, laughing and having the time of his life. I turned to my daughter, the one who was able to make the trip with her son, the same daughter who spent the summer choreographing the musical with me, and told her to think back.  I wondered if she remembered this one day at rehearsal when no one knew their lines and it was a zillion degrees in that theater and we thought we broke those damn tubular bells we borrowed.  The show looked like crap and no one seemed to care but us. She  did remember, so  I told her to close her eyes and think back to that clusterfuck of a day. Open them, I told her and look at her precious little boy running on the beach of this breathtaking ocean on this glorious August day.   We earned this vacation....we DESERVED this vacation!
Yep ....this is What I Did on My Summer Vacation Part II ( the original title of this blog),  Little did I know this wasn't a reward for a busy, productive summer.  It was: enjoy the sunshine sucker..here comes a big poop storm called September.
WeekOne:
Now when you work in a school, it's like you never grow up.  The real world goes to work every day  January to January.  School people start in September and we get that same feeling we got as kids.  The nerves, the anxiety, the dread...is that Jerry Lewis singing  "You'll Never Walk Alone"?  Well this year was different.  I slipped on my new school shoes (yes, I still buy new school shoes along with new these are on sale shoes and new hey it's Tuesday shoes )  This year, though, it was the last first day of school at my school because the powers that be (I really hate that phrase) decided to close our school to save a couple mill.   I get it,  I'm a taxpayer but this is the school my kids went to. Hell, this is the school I came to in 2nd grade.  So this will be a bittersweet year of lasts.
I had to face this like a grown up so as I took a big deep breath, I took in whatever was in the air and had the worst allergy attack ever.  I say ever because I don't really have allergies or sinus problems.  Well I do now.  This was the first week of school and here it is the end of the month and my nose is still running.  Week One blows...literally
Week Two:  After about 7 or 8 second opinions (none to his liking) my dad decided to have that knee surgery we suggested he have in the summer so we can be around to help him.  Nah...second week of school is better.  My sister, the first grade teacher and I played hospital tag for a couple days.  I took the keys to my parent's car (saying it would really help me out if I can borrow their car for a bit). The beck and call situation I put myself in is infinitely better than the "were those your parents that drove through the window of McDonald's?" scenario.  Realizing that my dad being out of commission meant that the day to day operations of that house was shut down we had no choice but to roll up our sleeves and play parents to our parents.  I cooked, I drove , I cooked , I drove.  I took my mom grocery shopping which turned into a horrifying episode of Supermarket Sweep.  "I need frozen vegetables ( frozen foods) I need powder (health and beauty) I need milk ( well that's by the frozen foods where we just were)  oh and  we need Pepsi ...and then she disappeared.  OK GO...Find all those items AND your mother....  Tell her what she's won, Johnny!!!
Week Three:  More cooking, more driving, more phone calls , more banking "this has been so nice seeing you so much... oh you don't have time for lunch today" ..... oh yeah, more guilt
Week Four: I am at work at the restaurant and  get the following  from the Mr.   Text 1: I am going to urgent care  Text 2: I am going to the hospital  Phone Call 1: no answer Phone Call 2: no answer  Voicemail 1: I'm on (breath)my way( breath) to the hospital.  Phone Call 3: "can't talk to you right now we're pulling up to the hospital now."...all said in a voice I have never heard from my husband. Half whisper half moaning.  WHAT THE FUCK?!!?
So off I fly to the hospital in my little waitress uniform. Now this is the second time I have left work to fly to the hospital in my little waitress uniform. The first time was a for fall on the ice and my kids called and said he was fine, and I met them there .  This time was different.  This time  I had no freaking idea what I was going to find when I got there.  Well I got there and he was standing in the ER...obviously having chest and abdominal pains.  Deep breath...this is better than what my over active imagination had me thinking.  Miraculously, within minutes of my arrival the pain got better, it down right disappeared.  Wow...I had no idea how powerful my presence was...seriously...I'm like Mother Theresa. Although I doubt Mother Theresa would have downed 5 shots of cherry vodka afterwards. Anyway... we still had to stay, for what turned out to be hours, to find out what was causing this. The smell of hospital doesn't mix well with the chicken wings and beer perfume I brought in on my little waitress uniform.  Ughhh... I hate hate hate hospitals, so add a dose of panic and fear and a Latino family with the little boy who hit his head crying next to us and the endless  parade of unprofessional personnel ("you guys are waiting for the doctor and stuff"...a direct quote)  slide over honey I need to lie down too.   Turns out the man has a bum gall bladder.  After a couple of days of we need to do surgery, no a procedure, no surgery, nah, we'll send you home instead. So they sent him home BUT  he needs to have that thing taken out not later but sooner ...Oh boy bring on October!!!  If I'm not mistaken, Green Day has a song called BASKET CASE....just sayin'

What I did on my summer vacation...part one

Yeah, yeah, yeah I know, everyone is saying summer isn't quite over yet... even though there is a small contingency of people who feel that summer is over after July 4th ( you know who you are).  I feel compelled to write about my summer (part one) while I should be packing for my vacation to the shore (part two).  Being the ADHD person that I am...my summers are anything but relaxing.  This year was no different, maybe even worse.  I noticed that I haven't "blogged" since the beginning of July.  That just proved to me how busy I actually was!

Now anyone who has been a loyal reader of my "MJ Sayin"  nonsense knows that I direct musicals in the summer and last year I chonicled it week by week. ( I must have had more energy last year.) This year's show kicked my ass.  The fact that it was "Egypt Hot" right up to show time didn't help my already thermometor bursting ( you know that graphic) temp-erature or temp-erament.   I also kept up my restaruant  job because I am a  money whore as you know  and  three days out of the week I was full time Gaga (not Lady...regular Gaga...no meat dress required but that does sound delicious). I made sure my mom got to where she needed to go. I celebrated 3 DECADES with my husband  and in honor of that we decided to re -do our kitchen.  WTF?  This summer's itinerary required the energy of an Olympiad and the organization, skill and rigor of a Navy Seal...So much for relaxing but remember this is just summer...part one.  Bring- it - on!

The Show:  It was very challanging this year.  It was a young cast and a very social cast.  I had assistants who were extremely helpful ( I honestly couldn't have done it without them) but they were also young. Which makes me the adult..a term I haven't come to grips with yet.   I have to say this show was one of our very best endeavors.  It was well attended and we may have made a profit which is not always the case. But there was a lot of drama.  My favorite quote is "if there was as much drama on the stage as there is behind the scenes we would win a Tony!"  I would come home from rehearsal ex-haust-ed!
Trying to keep everyone in line and happy and staying true to the integrity of my job as director while being open to other ideas and  handling power struggles as I tried to deter a possible "let's drink after the Friday night show" cast party proved to be a job that even Bob Fosse would have struggled with.  But he had better drugs...  "it's show time folks"!  But all in all - it was awesome. I am always so proud of my STAGE kids.  It came together (as it always does...).  This year there was much more...."you can't do that" and  it won't work" and "oh no you didn't" but that just makes me more obnoxious about making it happen, although I never gloat but the addition of a little kids choir was nothing short of genius. With show # 5 under my sequined belt.  I look to next year with new ideas and a fresh dose of crazy to unleash on my naysayers!!

The Kitchen:  Usually when we do anything to our house, we draw up divorce papers, just in case.  Anything short of changing a light bulb winds up in WW III (decades).  So just image ripping out counter tops and painting.  For the most part what I want is what happens but not without a fight and a Decorating 101 refresher course.  My choice for color this time was a dark salmon-y pink.  I grew up in a house where our wall color choices were  "egg shell" or " ecru" .  So we went from asparagus green to salmon ...yeah I know- food colors  ...I honestly don't do it on purpose.   The biggest dispute we have is that he is :Make it work at all cost it doesn't matter how it looks   I am:  I want it to look pret-ty.   His way requires rolls and rolls of duct tape.  My way is all accessories and decorative drawer pulls ( "what the f*** are pulls" ....a direct quote)  After almost a month of living in an episode of  HOARDERS...the kitchen edition, we have a beautiful, functional kitchen and our marriage is for the most part, intact.  I guess in times of  great adversity (  I can't find a fork ) you hang on to that person.  When the road gets really rough ( how do you heat things up without a microwave) you stick together.  After years of living with a broken dishwasher or actually being the broken dishwasher... here I sit...blogging AND doing the dishes...yes, it's the simple things in life!

Everything else: My waitress job is actually a welcomed change from being around kids all the time.  Not that our staff is grown up by any means.  But I love talking to people and bringing them food and making them happy ...(which is something that I do when I'm home ) only these strangers throw tons of  money at me....not a bad gig.  Not to mention there is bottle of Jack Daniels at arm's reach!   So that's cool.
The moment I punch out on the last day of school....and I mean the moment, my mom is there,  rubbing her hands together in anticipation of  spending the summer with me.(By spending the summer I mean driving me and my sister crazy)  I love my mom...I know so many people who have lost their parents and I am so lucky to have both of mine.....BUT ..."that is all I have to say about that"...thank you Forrest Gump.  Guilt prevents me from going on.  The irony of her telling me I work too hard while passively aggressively insisting I come pick her up to spend the day is priceless and she usually ends the trek by saying how much she enjoys my company and loves spending time with me.    Yeah I'm a schmuck...but I'm a really tired schmuck.  I have to remember that I will be there some day and I can see my kids doing  rock/paper/scissors  over who gets stuck with me....and the cats in the cradle and the silver spoon....everybody sing!!!
I could go on and on about my grandson...my lovey!  He has gone from repeating little phrases to actually having conversations and making little jokes.  It's an amazing thing being GAGA!  We had great adventures this summer (part one) and it continues on to part two.

 Part two consists of driving to New Jersey  with this little guy and his mom for a fast and furious couple days at the shore.  I can't think of anything better (well I  do wish the rest of my kids could be there too).  After another crazy, busy summer ...a day or two of ocean air sounds like a fabulous diversion to my upcoming school year (more to come about that shitstorm)!
I think of a mere 30 years ago...two KIDS  hopped in the car and just took off to the ocean for a honeymoon.  We landed in Cape Cod , a little north of where we are headed....but we always are drawn to the Atlantic and I never would have thought we'd be there  30 years later with a grandson...time flies when you're directing shows,  re-decorating a house, serving drinks and food a couple nights a week, chasing an exhausting, yet amazing little 2 1/2 year old, taking care of ailing parents while trying to maintain a certain level of dignified immaturity.....just sayin