I CAN'T

Hi Friends!!!
I haven't blogged for what looks like about six months. Don't let the title fool you- it's not a cop out...but whenever I had time to sit and rant...I can't - I have to do this or that...I actually deleted some half written blogs and some crazy cool blog titles.  I started to put my thoughts down  - I thought - I can't but after this or that ....I can.  Cop Out - I hear you all saying it.
I find my self saying I Can't on a regular basis...it's not so much the physicality of I Can't ( that's mostly I WONT!) It's the emotional I CAN'T! Isn't that what all the kids are saying ( or were saying on) the social media/interwebs!  I CAN'T ....I CAN NOT .....or the extreme I CAN'T EVEN!

I like the phrase - it covers all the bases  - it lets others know how you really feel - it makes me feel good to say it.  It is much like another phrase I am known for saying but it's much more acceptable in
public settings -like the school I work at !

Can't is usually a negative word...I can't go or I can't afford it.  Now, for me - it's I Can't handle it - although I still can't afford it -whatever it maybe.

My emotions have been working overtime these past few months.  My last blog ( that I didn't delete) was about loss.  Those losses are still in my world but so much happy has pushed it to the back burner for the time being.

It has been wedding season for that last 18 months in my little world.  My baby girl got married last July and my son got married just one month ago.  In between was my niece, a cousin, some friends, Megan and Harry and my nephew - well he just got engaged but he is on his way!!   I Can't with all the love !!!
My boy's wedding day was a collage of I CAN'T moments that I will always keep close to my heart.  The morning of the big day- we had breakfast and hung out in the hotel suite before anyone got else got there....had some coffee, waited for the sun to come out and listened to Hamilton.* ( memory*) .  I asked him what song we were all walking into the reception to and he played it for me.  It was John Legend's Love Me Now.  I heard it for the first time and burst  in to tears- it was perfect...I said I knew he would pick a great song - he told me "she picked it" and I said "and that's why you  are marrying her"  * Listen to it if you get a chance- I Can't - literally- not with  out sobbing!
Speaking of sobbing- there was his face when he saw her*- his vows-*her vows* - his sisters' beautiful crying face watching their brother *- my little loves (I'll get to them later) throwing flowers in the air when the were pronounced husband and wife....****** all fabulous memories- but then came our dance.   I have sobbed through my husband dancing with both our girls...but now it was my turn. I Can't ...I thought as they called us up to the dance floor. I thought about this moment  for a while- like when he got engaged, no when he met her...no, when he was old enough to drive... or was it when he started kindergarten- actually.... it was when I decided to name his Christopher....because we danced to the Kenny Loggins song about Christopher Robin-Listen to it if you get a chance-I Can't...EVEN.  I cried- he laughed- he cried -I laughed* Best memory ever!

Those are the happy I CAN'Ts  Seeing my children build their lives and my ever growing grandchildren- with each milestone- I can't...looking at their beautiful faces -I can't ...their excitement to be in my company still ( believe me, that list of people who feel that way is getting shorter by the moment) I just can't. The love I feel for them is  overwhelming, I can't...breathe sometimes!!

There is another overwhelming and almost stunting I CAN'T  that I feel when I look at what our country has become.  I don't care who you are - who you like or what party you belong to. There is something wrong out there.  The hate - the lies - the blaming  - the disregard for other human beings .... I CAN'T...another shooting- I can't  ..another hate rally...I can't ...the election bullshit...just the general childish bullshit of the administration. I really CAN NOT . But here is what I CAN do- VOTE!!! That I will do ...and hope for the best. I hope to not have to bring my other favorite phrase - also know as WHAT THE FUCK-into play. I have been saying that every time I watch the news!!!

  In the  last few weeks I have witnessed the loss of two young women, both situations heartbreaking ..I Can't  ....imagine the pain and grief . So sad ...so young .  It got me thinking ...maybe I should open up a can of CANS.
I CAN make everyday count.  I CAN choose to be a kind person.  I CAN give people the benefit of the doubt and not judge (that's a tough one) I CAN do what it takes to make the world a better place ...my little world  and everyone else's.  I CAN do what it takes to be...better !
So no more inappropriate comments and snarks remarks...no more exaggerated stories and obnoxious...oh who am I kidding ...I CAN'T ... even finish that sentence...jusy sayin

Broken Heart / Face with Tear

      Those have been my emojis of choice these last few months.  Broken Heart/Face with Tear.  The events of this past month have rendered me speechless- if you can believe it.  I am at a loss for words with all the loss that people have been experiencing in my little world.   This past month we lost my father in law. He was a sharp, smart man with a big booming laugh.  About a week before the end he was still that man and then, he wasn’t.  Fortunately, or Un- it was about a week between Hospice and Wake- so fast…SO fast.  Kind of like a “wait …what?” situation, but our family rallied, as we do – and got through it and we comforted and leaned on each other…. many heart emojis. Just as

we were “getting through” that, my brother in law’s mom passed away- Broken Heart/Face with tear add a surprised shocked emoji!!  That just happened to fall on the day we were planning on celebrating what would have been my sister in law’s 60thbirthday. As if that day isn’t heartbreaking enough. It’s a lot to process in the first paragraph, right? (Shrugging shoulder emoji)

I know that people out there reading this can relate and maybe match it –heartache to heartache.  It just seems I have been posting that Broken Heart on so many Facebook posts. People losing people- people losing pets- illnesses- it’s all so sad and almost overwhelming!!  So overwhelming, I had to blog about it. At the wake for my father in law, a friend of ours asked me if I had been blogging lately. I think I have mentioned before that I don’t seem to blog when things are moving smoothly in my life (thumbs up emoji.) I am a therapeutic blogger- for me and hopefully for others.  It helps and it is cheaper to put pen to paper or fingers to keys than to pay an actual therapist- (money bag with wings flying away).  Up until the first paragraph- things were – dare I say – going smoothly- well maybe not smoothly – but definitely - - going! Happy kids, happy pets, family fun, wedding preparations… I sometimes wonder do people like to hear about other peoples’ good fortune- 

Do I? hells no!! - face palm and smiley -That is not true- I am happy for others –just don’t push it with more than two major vacations – er-kay?!?

I believe I have gotten past the point in my life where I am envious of others- I still use the eye roll emoji accompanied by a “must. be. nice”.  It’s mostly when I see palm tree/beach pictures in the midst of the never-ending winter we’ve had (snowflake snowflake snowflake).  But I know I may be at the other end of the eye rolls as I post a billion pictures of my grandchildren and all our family adventures.  All happy things and I hope people aren’t sick of hearing about it – 

Being Sicilian, we live in fear of the Malocchio – (there actually IS an emoji- it looks like the cool rock and roll hand –index and pinkie up- but it’s evil I tell ya EVIL).  I have often said being Sicilian is like a part time job what with all the worrying and the grudges.  My mom made sure we had little red ribbons pinned to each of our baby’s cribs to ward off the “maloch”. But wait it gets worse…you can never trust a compliment- Oh Lord no- they don’t mean it – they’re jealous (this explains volumes – I just recently learned to say thank you when complimented – instead of making a joke).  A few years back – it seemed to me like my hair was falling out a bit (due to stress and age, I’m sure) but I was like THOSE BASTARDS – always with the “I wish I had hair like yours” … Malocchio bitches!!! 

On the other hand, if you complimented someone – you would always have to say God Bless after- “He has such beautiful eyes- God bless ‘em”. So because of years and years of paranoia and red ribbons, you can bet I have always been a bit leery about sharing (not bragging) good news- because people are jealous by nature and if you are Sicilian by chance, you’re downright dangerous (God Bless ya) Italian flag

I guess you have to go through some sad face times to get to the happy face- dare I say hearts in eyes happy face time.  I spent most of the winter using the sick mask face as I turned down many an invitation- I am all about the emoji reply. (Let me clarify that I started thinking about this blog BEFORE I watched the Emoji Movie with my grandchildren.  I was all “why didn’t I think of that” quizzical thinking emoji) But please don’t let it replace precious words.  Let them be enhancements!!!   Sometimes after a long conversation and carefully placed wide eyed face (my personal favorite) or upside down face says it all.  Please note-since I am a word girl – I wrote out the emoji descriptions and didn’t use the actual emoji (mostly because I couldn’t figure out how to) but damn it they fun. And when you have two deaths in ten days and a side of a dad in the hospital scare…fun is what you crave!

Social media connects you to so many people so it seems like you know about more hardships and good ships (?) lollypop emoji- duh. I am not an obituary reader or a member of the “guess who died club” (that is kind of my parents’ generation where wakes were social outings)- so I appreciate knowing about the sad posts and I do so love the babies and pets and the occasional food posts!  By the way, eggplant doesn’t always mean parmesan and the scattered raindrops ..that mean something different too ….these damn kids with their sexting!!

So as we navigate through the sadness only to look forward to the happiness that is in our future- we will remember to cherish the family and friend time because finger snap emoji is how fast it can change…wait… there isn’t a finger snap-  horrified cat with blank white eyes- head exploding-  purple devil – eggs in a pan- Spanish dancer…. American flag American flag-!!!!  Looks like I will have to look for a gif   - just sayin’                                                                                         No emojis were harmed in the writing of this blog …. 

Warm Thoughts on a Cold Day

We got a cold day!!! The weather community is so excited because the predicted sub zero temperature came true.  Living here my whole life, I have clung on the weather report for dear life-
will we have school tomorrow?  how is it going to be when we finally get a week at the beach? where the fuck am I going to put 30 people if it rains? Those questions are usually answered with - brush 'just enough snow so I can see" off the car and get to work,  it's not too c-c-c-cold to go in the w-w-w-water and well we can eat in shifts - just clear off my bed and enjoy the pasta salad. 
But this time, we got our cold day and better yet, they announced it the afternoon before!  I do have to admit, I kind of missed the alphabet countdown of schools where we land somewhere between Jollytime Day Care and King of Everything Holy Church!  So as I sit with my coffee- still in my Christmas mug.  I get a chance to review the year that was and look to the year ahead. 

This past year was an emotional one, as I married off my baby girl.  It made me think my life (of course, it's all about me) and where I fit into my own world.  I have been feeling a little schitzo lately and by lately I mean about 50 years.  Speaking of 50 years,  I am a couple years away from a big scary number...I dare say I am pushing it- in more ways than one, but more on that later.
The planning of the shower and wedding was so enjoyable.  There were minimal eye rolls, at least the ones I saw... there were things I might have done differently, but she was smart and didn't buy into the trends of the dreaded Pintrest and social media pressures of having the most unique hashtagged wedding EV-ER.  I felt such a part of the process, right there with the bachelorette partiers and the mani - pedis!  I felt so cool and carefree- I had a fancy dress on, it was awesome!! I'm young...I'm young- I thought- but nothing brings you back to reality like writing a big ass check for the balance of the wedding- I'm the mom...I'm the mom...and I have signifacantly less money!
Okay, so I can be a little of both- I think most people in my age group feel that way.  I can't believe we are as old as we are.... seeing your kids grow up and get married and have kids-  when did this happen? Wasn't it just yesterday I was screaming my head off at a Bruce Springsteen concert.
Oh wait - that was just yesterday.

A few months ago I saw my favorite, not once but twice....thanks to my sister in law/ partner in all things Bruce! We saw him at a benefit concert and then traveled to NYC  to see him on Broadway.  My loyal followers know I heart NY and know my way around a bit. I was taken to task because my partner did not.  So I had do my best Dora the Explorer armed with  Google Maps and remembered the streets go one way the avenues go the other. I was able to maneuver us around the city like a boss ( pun intended).  I found the theater, gluten free restaurants, Penn Station and all this from the girl that still gets turned around in mall.  I'm a grown up I'm a grown up!  Cut to the scene out side the theater waiting/ not stalking  for a glimpse of my idol. There he is - he waved at me I know he did OMGEEEEEE !!!!  So much for being a grown up.  See what I mean schit-zo!!!

The day before my daughter got married she said she had a gift for me.  I said - I don't want or need a gift ( lying - I love gifts but did not feel it necessary).  She handed me an envelope which stated that we were going to Disney World in December to see the Christmas light.  WHAT?  Um, OKAY!
We were just there last summer with the whole family and I got to see my grandchildren experience Disney, something I was never able to do for my own kids. So now we were going, just the two of us. I have been a huge Disney fan since Dumbo's mom cradled him with her trunk to the tune of Baby Mine- thanks a lot Walt- you have been making me cry for decades.  This trip was no different.  My daughter lost count of the time I would burst into tears- when we saw the castle all lit up, when we saw the castle during the day, when we saw Mickey at breakfast, when we saw the fireworks ...anytime they played When You Wish Upon a Star.....which was a lot.  The cry count was only rivaled by the number of times I said..."Where's my Phone"....which was a lot.  She led us around the parks with me in my Minnie Mouse ears and we had, dare I say...a magical time!
Then we had to go tho the airport...(insert ominous music chord). To say my daughter is a bad flyer- is well an understatement...think of the airport scene in Rain Man. Well , maybe not that bad - but at one point I felt like I was Leslie Nielsen in Airplane double slapping that one passenger!  That's when the mom kicked in.  We talked it out - I distracted and annoyed her all the way to Boston and then another quick flight home, for some reason she was much more relaxed for ( I know I am thinking it too- schitzo - like her mom), we were back to real life. But I have to say it was one of the best times and I look forward to our next trip when I am a grandma again!!

Weddings...trips...my son's engagement and upcoming wedding...my darling grandson and granddaughter....family ...friends who are family...shows and the show people ---those are the warm thought I want to hold onto in the cold of January.  But reality, like the cold, bites.  I lost my uncle right before Christmas- he was my mom's beloved brother.  Such a nice, kind , generous man...he called me JoJo and I loved that. We aren't a nickname type of family-so I thought it was so cool that he called me that even down to the last time I saw him on Thanksgiving! We brought the whole holiday to him since he was ailing and I orchestrated the whole dinner. It was stressful and organized chaos - but that's my life description- because it was wonderful.  I was a kid and a grown up that day. I brought the dinner to them and my family and their culinary contributions like the unwilling matriarch I have become.  But then he called me JoJo and I was seven years old!  I am glad that is my last memory of him.  He and my aunt never had grandchildren and I was more than happy to share my kids and their kids with him!! I think my mom would be proud that we took care of him 'til the end. Boom...just like that, I am a kid again.
This life of mine....it's a constant tennis match of young vs. old,  childlike decisions vs. adult sensibility,  diet vs. donuts.  My hatred of technology and my dependency on my often missing and uncharged phone.  My daily struggle of -when I'm home, I think of all the people out having fun (fomo as the damn kids call it) and when I'm getting ready to go out, all I want to do is stay home.  What is that ? Is it that I am never satisfied? I don't think that is it because I'm pretty low maintenance. Like bring me a coffee and I'm your friend FOR LIFE!!!!!
 I wonder if it is an age thing and that number that's lurking around the corner. I have my feet in both worlds I guess.  I roll my eyes at the high school kids and all their "anxiety" ( the new buzz word )  but then I anxiously try on a billion outfits before work at said high school.  I don't care what people think of me anymore but I would feel really bad if they thought me unkind.  I feel comfortable in a political conversation ( as long as you agree with me ) as I do about who my favorite Paw Patrol pup is ( as long as you agree with me ...and it's Marshall by the way.) I am a woman of two minds -I gladly gave up my carefree, no responsibility life when I became a  mom at 23 and never looked back.  But I will proudly wear my Minnie Mouse ears and a woman's march and look schizophrenically at the next big scary decade.
So as I look out at the beautiful tundra which is my front yard and think....it's fricken' hot in here.
Ahhh the joys of being a woman of that certain age....just sayin'.

Let’s Talk About Love

Hey everyone, remember me?  It’s been way too long since I have ( to borrow from Madonna) “expressed myself”!  I also borrowed the title of this blog from a line from, you guessed it, a musical – Godspell – one of my favorites.  There were many times in the past year since my last blog that I said – oh this would be a great topic – and then I mostly likely dozed off.  That seems to be happening a lot lately.   

I, in the last few months, have done the following: 

gave a shower- celebrated my son’s engagement- lost 19 pounds -threw a wedding - directed a show- enjoyed a weekend at the beach- gained about 7 pounds back-changed jobs (for the better) and saw a certain Mr. Bruce Springsteen …twice!   What does this all have in common you may ask- well, let’s talk about LOVE!!!

In all of these instances I have been surrounded by LOVE- and …” times being what they are” in this world where hate seems to be in the news and in the air…. Love will always win! Dammit!

My youngest daughter got married. She was not a Bridezilla at all- she knew what she wanted and it was pretty simple- good food, good drinks, good music and ALL of the friends and family around.  Looking back on her wedding and the tons of weddings I’ve been to in the past- that is really all that matters- oh and cake- not so much what it looks like and how many tiers there are –but the fact that there is cake!

There was so much love in that room it was extremely overwhelming.  The way their reception worked was there was a minimum amount that you had to spend- their amount…not the one I had in mind, but whatever.  Anyway, that system kind of enabled them to invite more people and adjust the menu accordingly.  So they were able to really invite ALL kinds of friends and still fulfill my need for shrimp cocktail and bacon wrapped scallops.  It’s all about love- love of the people that make your life meaningful and the seafood appetizers that bring meaning to your life.

In between the shower and the wedding- my son asked his girlfriend to marry him.  She is a doll that fits right in with our family and seeing him so happy makes my heart sing.    Her dad and I were good friends in high school and have always kind of kept in touch here and there.  When they started dating and started to get serious – it all made sense to me.  There are people in your life that are put there for all different reasons.  Now when we were getting in school suspended together for some crazy high school hijinks- I’m sure I wasn’t thinking that my son and his daughter would ultimately make us family.  I was thinking I hope this doesn’t go on my permanent record.  If someone told me back then what the future had in store -I would have probably thought– “hey cool – I’m gonna have a son...”  But what this all means is that we are going to experience yet another year of family, and food and music and yes …. love!

In between now and the upcoming nuptials – I will direct another show, but let me talk about the last summer adventure-  We did Seussical – the Musical!  It was adorable AND profitable which isn’t always the case in our little community theater.  Beside the amazing talents of my directorate and the crazy talented cast-  I was able to find a little part for the shinning stars of my life, my grandchildren.  You can call it nepotism, but really who else can play (and sing- on key) the young kangaroo and what can be cuter than a little curly headed almost 3year old as Horton’s little elephant bird.  I was so proud of them and couldn’t have loved them more when they were bowing for their curtain call. But I also was hoping that I was instilling my love and my family’s love of the theatre.  Now my grandson is very, very comfortable on the stage and at seven, has a resume longer than Nathan Lane and my little lovey granddaughter just got her first pair of tap shoes.  Here we go-the next generation- we are not the Barrymore’s but that doesn’t mean we don’t love the show biz!!  There is just something about the theater that brings so much joy and pleasure to my otherwise normal (?) life. Being a part of a production- from beginning to end is one of my favorite things… (I should just * star musical references).  I love the “putting it together” * the thrill of “another opening another show” * and the people* - especially the people!  But I get the same rush of excitement seeing show that I had nothing to do with- or hearing a familiar show song that I know the alto part to…thanks to Sirius radio – I have been late more than once because “Hamilton” came on or have been seen “Fosse-ing” to the “Cell Block Tango” in the Target parking lot.  But whether it’s hearing “Maria” from West Side Story or “For Forever” from Dear Evan Hansen (that line – “two friends on a perfect day”)--- I literally become those theater faces- laughing and crying!!   It is truly what I do /did for love * (that was a reach)

But speaking of Broadway- I was extremely fortunate enough to see Springsteen on Broadway. The tickets were impossible to get –but thank you to my fairygodsisterinlaw- I was able to take part in this once in a lifetime experience.  Being in that beautiful Walter Kerr Theatre- being in the midst of Broadway …the show posters and marquees- (we were never lost because of them- turn right at Book of Mormon.) I was totally overwhelmed from the get –go.  The show was incredible- I have only seen him in huge venues and with the E Street Band behind him.  He walked out on the empty stage graced with just a piano and a microphone and sang and told stories. His voice, his spectacular guitar playing was exemplified with the acoustic of that magnificent theater. He never sounded better.  He sang a song about his mom- I cried, he sang with his wife- I cried…the lady next to me who periodically handed me tissues, hugged and kissed me at the end of the show. Probably thinking – who is this emotional mess? But it was that kind of experience.   It was like being in church for me- he even said the Our Father- and yes, I cried.

 Okay so we kind of stalked him a little – a couple of teenagers in their fifties waited by the stage door and got a glimpse and a video of him waving at US!

Not everyone gets it- but this man has been a part of my life since before I met my husband at 19…. he has been the soundtrack of our life. I truly love this man- his politics, his words, his commitment.  I actually need to see him one more time to make it an even 20! So when I told my dad of my plans to fly to NYC to see Bruce, he actually rolled his eyes and said “again?” - and I said – Dad- He’s my Frank Sinatra- My dad now gets it- and  – I cried. 

Now people use the words love and hate so matter of factly- I have been trying not to use the word Hate so much- it’s an ugly word and has a new meaning in this stupid Trump era …and I heard somewhere you should use the word love when you are referring to something that can actually love you back- well I am WAAAAAYYYY too dramatic for that theory because I LOVE coffee and it loves me!!!

When I became “Gaga” my love levels went up- I can’t think of a love that is more intense and powerful than the love for your baby’s baby…. that being said here is a list of some of the other things I love

– in no particular order

Popcorn

Kittens

Fresh Sheets on your bed

The Mary Tyler Moore Show

Lamb Chops

Laughing with my Goombadi about the stupidest things that no one would ever understand

Shoes

Curtain Calls

Girlfriend ... your REAL girlfriends

Coffee with my sister

The first snow (and especially snow days)

Crosswords puzzles on my patio

New Crayons (anything color coordinated actually, in particular peanut M& M’s)

Puppy bellies

All you can eat Crab Legs - (honestly, all  you can eat anything)

Obscure references that people get (for example - real housewives- you know who you are)

Lilacs

Getting a text with stupid movie quote from my kids

The Beach

My ever growing Family

The items on this list are constantly increasing and changing (unfortunately so is my “me no likey” list). I believe the more love you put out into the universe- the positive- the giving people the benefit of the doubt- the more comes back to you.  When those two babies come running with sheer delight just to see me – I feel like maybe I’ve done something right in this life.  Although lately, my phrase du jour has been:” I hate people” - I have to change that up a bit- it’s kind of negative, right ? How about something like… “F***ING JERKS!!!” Short and sweet.  My closing thought to you all is stop the hating- and the complaining – use Facebook for pictures of food- pets and babies and not the bashing (unless I agree with you) and try to stop the judging- try the whole walk a mile in my heels thing, first …but I gotta admit – I love a good judge-fest – with coffee and peanut M&M’s color coordinated of course…. Now to borrow a page from Watch What Happens Live, the Andy Cohen show on Bravo – if we were playing the drinking game and the word was love- you would have had to drink 24 times- and obscure reference – I know- but like I said …I love those- oops…make it 25- just sayin’

Do Nice

Nice... I have been thinking about writing this blog for a long time. But for some reason I just could not get pen to paper or fingers the keyboard, I guess is more appropriate. Nice! Is it that hard to be nice? Sometimes it seems like it is! Here it is three months into the school year, about a month or so since the election, and a week before Christmas-  so you know that whole naughty/ nice thing!   I say "be nice " a lot around my grandchildren! My six year old grandson is super smart and super sensitive-so when his feisty two-year-old little sister does something that's not so nice , he gets very hurt . and We  say "she's just a baby - she doesn't get it" but when I look in those sparkly little eyes,  I know that she really does get it ... sometimes all too well !! So we say to her " Rory be nice to your brother!" There it is gain "Be Nice" . Then to watch them eventually get along does my heart good as it does when I watch my all too grown-up children get along so well.  They really like each other and enjoy each other's company and laugh a lot( mostly at my expense) I believe the most important thing is raising nice humans and I think I have. I'm excited for the days when my own kids can hear people tell them if they have such nice children.  It is ...for lack of a better word,really nice!!!
 So my professional and real world collide quite a bit! The school world and real world are different and I told a very snooty young teacher that  one time "You know ...is not the real world " -she looked at me with disdain and disgust and disbelief and I think ask to never work with me again because I haven't seen her since.  Anyway,  in  the class I work in  the kids' behaviors are (excuse the educational term) cuckoo for cocoa puffs and are not so nice to each other. Now  they're in a very specific classroom for very specific reasons. but I keep telling them please -please -please be nice to each other.   No matter what your condition, disorder, syndrome or flavor of the month problem is, there's no excuse to not be be nice.   I was telling them that their behavior was kind of like the candidates during the campaign. Now I wasn't planning on getting political here, and I don't care who you voted for  (that's not true.... I do care) it doesn't give you the right   to treat somebody differently because of their believes or their opinions . So when these kids started calling each other "Hitler" (a direct result of the campaign) I told them  that was it was so inappropriate and also I'd give them a hundred dollars if they told me who Hitler was ....blank. stares.  . Then they told me, it's always nasty- the campaigns are always nasty (because they live through maybe two of them?)  My response was that it really wasn't and it's a really sad state that our classroom/country is in !! Being in school mode I looked up the definition for nice and it is a resort city on the French Riviera!!! Good enough for me!!! Then I looked a little more and saw NICE -adjective-pleasant ,kind, compassionate and my favorite...delightful! What a  a great word! I'm going to use that word more in 2017 .These children's hygiene can be a bit more delightful and I have $ 4.28 in my checking account but that wedding will be  delightful come July !!!(much more about that later) C'mon we all know it...it's the Golden Rule, baby- treat others the way you want to be treated. It  seems to me people like to be cut off in traffic, be name called,  be excluded and be ridiculed for how they choose to live their life and their pursuits of happinesses. I noted one time that  I was afraid that our country was not going to be the country I want my grandchildren to grow up in and  I got hit with all kinds of comments and backhanded insults about the candidates etc. Holy Fuck!!! It's about the people, the country..the whole world and we  do. have to be nice to each other. When you walk mile in my high heels you'll find out why I do things the way I do and swear as much as I do, but don't judge me or anyone  until you know their story . We all have backstories, just read Facebook  they're vomitted all over the place there ...every last gory detail!  May I reminded you Facebook is great for keeping in touch ...seeing food and family pictures and especially  finding out certain things .... like what dog breed you are  (poodle – must be the hair ) Disney princess you are  (Ariel – not a part of your world )– cartoon character (Betty Boop ...well,  duh) and that I am 100% going to go to heaven(Hey -be NICE out there)  It seems that our technology has made us less communicative which is very ironic if you think about. The  advances in technology   make I it very easy to stay in touch ( text or Facebook , Facebook message and Instagram , Twitter- which I don't really still don't get) it  gives everybody a chance to check in and see how someone else is doing (stalking) That's all it is it takes and that goes a long way. In 2017 let's try to keep in touch with each other a little bit more and just see that everybody's doing OK  -it's the right, no, nice thing to do. I am starting another  one woman campaign  to be nicer every day...the other day I noticed another a staff member had lost a couple pounds and I told her!!!  Now I have been trying to lose some wedding poundage (13 so far ) although I am taking a break from calorie counting because of you know... cookies but someone mentioned that I looked  like I had lost weight and looked good!!! IT MADE MY DAY  and I grabbed another cookie!!! So when I told a little girl in the lunch room that I loved her haircut I hope it made her day too!!! So come on guys let's be nice ...we can do it ...a little goes a long way!   Let someone ahead of you in line,  pay a compliment,  pay for a coffee for the person behind you in the drive thru line  and DONT  POST IT on Facebook...(oooooooh  that's the real hard part)  so speaking of Facebook  I took another Facebook Quiz ...very confidently and almost cocky only to find out that I'm 75% naughty and only 25% nice ..hey....I'm working on it...just sayin-
Merry Merry Everything  and for goodness sake be nice!!!
Disclaimer: my computer crashed while mid blog -I said some not nice words and had to "write"  this on my phone -so excuse the errors in spacing,  punctuation etc -just be...well you get it😊

The Year of Living Hungrily

After the awesome, fun filled summer I had, the fall hit me with some pretty stark realities. One: my baby girl is getting married (Yay!!) and I need to lose some of that baby weight (Booo). Two: I am working in a new position at school.  So glutton for punishment (and food) that I am.  I accept the challenges – because I can do anything for one year…right?   Well, we are one month in and all I am losing is my sanity!!!

Our school decided that we really don’t need the Career Center that I was in charge of- because college and career readiness is not a priority apparently?  This decision was quickly overturned , I guess we do need a Career Center. So instead of putting me back,  they decided to break my job up and spread it around to different people who are not willing or able to do it. This whole time I was assured that it wasn’t personal, just cuts from the top.  Even my stellar evaluations, positive data/feedback and meeting after meeting could not sway their decision- and now, looking back it seems I am a casualty of an administrative pissing contest.  Unbelievable- the guy who had the last word has called me by the wrong name for two years- yeah- I have a lot of faith in his decision making.  So I was placed in a classroom with a pretty cool teacher (thank goodness) and rotating 8th and 9th graders with their own issues and need, most of which I am not equipped nor trained to handle.  All this while trying to lose 20 pounds. Now remember, my “go to” to handle stress at this point would be a lot of chocolate cakes….nope- now it’s ex…ex…exercise.

First off these kids, I was told, are not violent (they are) and have no academic issues (they do).  My day which used to consists of setting up college visits and finding scholarships and careers for students has been replaced with playing referee to kids telling each other to "shut the fuck up" and they believe they are all really “ser-we-ous game-ahs”. They live, breathe, eat, sleep video games ( I think I may have just figured out some of the problems )  and I don't know what the fuck they are talking about half the time. So I help these kids get through their day which includes the 8th grade lunch period which I lovingly refer to as Vietnam.  First off- some genius in high places thought it would be a great idea to move the 8th graders to high school and slap them with expectations that are way beyond their maturity levels because they are 8TH GRADERS!!!!! These little numskulls are given a longer lunch period than they need and it is insanity.  They eat in 4 seconds and spend the rest of the 41 minutes awkwardly flirting (chasing and hitting) , screeching to the people sitting at the same table and bottle flip- what is up what that fad. Toss a bottle in the air and have it land right side up. It has since been banned by one of the principal- although it was super annoying- it kept them in their seats. Another fabulous decision.  They throw out enough food to feed a small nation.  Here I am dieting-  “are you really throwing all that food out- it’s a perfectly good school cafeteria spaghetti. (how's that for an oxymoron). I remember eating a ice cream scoop clump of white rice with brown gravy and a milk shake(633 calories) everyday of high school -Good Lord! I’m so freaking hungry! So don’t think about food- watch these little mini dramas that is our 8th grade lunch.  There is this table of little boys (12/13 year olds) and these two little skanks- I mean gals that sit with them.  These two could have been plucked out of my jr high years. Same look, same attitude and those boys don’t know what hit them- well it’s the one little ring leader-that did hit the kid- right in nuts- what a little skank!! You just wonder what kind of home these kids are from- I wonder what their parents would say. I wonder what their having for dinner...My thoughts switch to my delicious apple (medium sized 95 calories) and hope that Karma nabs the mother fuckers responsible for my new gig!!

Through this fresh hell- I am dieting- counting calories,  walking and planking my way into this gorgeous  black dress that I want to look fabulous in  9 months from now. I also will hopefully keep some of the healthy habits  I am faking my way through.  I think I have made it abundantly clear that I am not a Gym Girl-  I will lift  detergent bottles ( the economy sizers) and do my daily 2 minute plank (yeah baby 2 minutes) before setting foot in the gym. I do find in this new position I walk A LOT, at least a mile a day. I check up on my adorable little charges in their elective classes to make sure they aren’t killing each other or any of the faculty. A staff member was shoved – but it wasn’t on my watch.  So I walk – I sometimes take the long way or an extra flight of stairs, just to get my steps in and then return to home base to find what ever catastrophe awaits. Now the 9th graders aren't too bad- (oh boy, I hope I didn't just curse myself)  But those 8th graders...Every day it is someone’s turn to go batshit crazy, One day it’s the kid who proudly told us that he doesn’t really shower or bathe (no shit stinky) and I got news for you he isn’t brushing his teeth on a regular basis either.  Ga -ross! Then we have Lee Harvey Oswald Jr (not his real  name for those new to my blog) . This sociopath will do some thing so inappropriate and then do that stupid Dabbing thing…who the shit made that up?  Some idiot who makes way too much money does this dumb pose and now every eighth grader feels compelled to dab—they think they look so cool and they look ssoooooooooooo ridiculous. I hope  your happy Jason Derulo .  One of my new "lunch friends" told that's who's responsible as he was throwing a half eaten Nachos Grande (700 calories)

Now after school most days I go to pick up my grandson from first grade and give him and his sister dinner.  I have my 6th glass of water while I watch him pick at mac and cheese (350 calories) – I don’t have to worry about my little baby girl though. She has inherited my love for food  MMMMMM and my obsession with SHOOOOEEESSS.  Thank God for those two. They bring sunshine to my other wise shitty days . As does the process and excitement of planning this wonderful wedding which I am planking and counting and drinking water for.  I have so much love and light in my life that a stupid job can ruin it …I mean, they are just kids- right?   What was that? OH ...now you want me to train the people that you gave my job away to? Do you want me to rub the salt in my own wound or would you like to?  You would rather me try to show the ( so far three) people how to do a job that I was never really trained in. Mind you, these people DO NOT want the extra work and we are all apologizing to each other for this mess that we didn't make! Wouldn't it make more sense....
Seriously my days can’t get any stupider- but I think I am – just by the word stupider.  Deep breaths – it’s Thursday- Popcorn Day (air popped- 31 calories per cup) and tomorrow Pay Day Friday and all will be right with the world. Until Monday- make that Tuesday- This Monday is my new favorite holiday in the world COLUMBUS DAY-!!!! See ya in three whole days nit wits!! I think I will celebrate with a shot of Jack Daniels ( 65 calories) and a couple pizza logs (200 calories)s .  Did you think I was going to have a Salad with Oil and Vinegar and a whole wheat Pita (333 calories)? You do the math- I bet even my  8th graders could figure that out- just sayin’

A Dream is a Wish Your Heart Makes.....

When I was trying to think of a title for the blog accounting our family vacation to the happiest place on earth ...I decided on a song lyric ..... a magical one to boot.  Let me explain and please know although being a lifelong Disney fan...I did not drink the Mouse-Ade...I admit to getting a bit teary eyed when I saw Cinderellas castle and I wore mouse ears and shirts with Mickey, horribly distorted by my Bobbitt Bobbitt Boobs! But I guarantee you...I get it....it's a real cool place, but something happens to people when they step office that monorail! More about that later!
The dream or wish referred to in the title is the one where I go to Disney with my little family!  Back about 25+ years ago when my oldest started school, my little bubble of normalcy burst...EVERYONE went to Disney!! They went on break...they went on non breaks, pulling their kids out of school...they went three/four times a year!! What the fuck???  How is everyone affording these trips???  I mean, we just had our third child and I was babysitting other kids from my home and my husband's job in the printing business was already starting to feel the effect of the digital future...so what gives???
Whatever...we took our kids to the ocean...rented cottages, saw broadway shows and yes, we even summered with friends/family in the Hamptons (it was only a couple days but it was in the summer!!). We were more than okay with that...after a while, we prided ourselves on the fact that we didn't become THOSE people. But alas, the thought of Dumbo's mom cuddling baby Dumbo with her trunk( hang on...I need a moment...that scene gets me everytime) I mean  she was chained up and still put her needs last...she was a good mom despite whatever those other jealous elephant moms thought.... was I as good a mom as Dumbo's mom ????   Um...ANYway...I'm trying to say we vacstioned the best way we could and as years went on....summer musicals took up the bulk of our summers and sports, the rest. This year was no different... after our very successful and awesome production of Footloose...(the show which I didn't want to really do but turned out to be my favorite and the one where we all felt..."hey we are pretty good at this") we took off...literally.  Now I am not a great flyer....I used to have to get all "Judy Garland-ed" up (that's an outdated reference but who would it be now ... Lindsay Lohan ? ....at least Judy was sort of classy about her addictions)  Not this time...this  I did it sober AND I got a few ideas Mr. Big Ol Jet Airliners. FIRST..Lower your damn  prices and maybe offer for some complimentary deodorant along with those funky blue potato chips (I get it...JetBLUE) Also...the rule should be if you don't have stuff in the overhead bins....you get to go first... This way all you overhead bin users can fight it out with out us and spare us the hunched over wait. (I noticed others hunched....I stand up with no problem in that little seat compartment!!). Unless of course you have a kid or two with you....then you go before everyone! I wasn't traveling with my babies,  but I have and people are rude and ridiculous when traveling  (see a blog about 6 years ago when Cooper and I went to NY by train....same shit...different transport)  Relax everyone, except  for the young girl who was afraid she was going to miss her flight because of a delay...I hear you talking, you're all going on vacation like me...so chill. I was super anxious and claustrophobic....plus I flew over the east coast with a full bladder....C'mon folk...."Look around look around ...how lucky we are to be alive right now" Yeah so, I listened to Hamilton the whole time.... Actually that lyric could've been my blog title.  At one point during the week..I did just that ....I looked around!  I saw my whole little family all grown up with lives and dreams of their own all together, celebrating the engagement of my baby girl (many blogs to come on that subject)Amazing.... I got to see Disney through the eyes of not just my children, but my grandchildren...how lucky I am to be alive right now!  We have had a few scary, sad, cancer and surgery filled years. ("No matter how your heart is grieving.... if you keep on believing...) I don't say I earned it, people go through TONS more than us... but I can say it was  that much sweeter because of it all.  My Goombadi told me "I was a very rich woman"....I do believe that's true.(save the $100+ spent on family mouse ears. C'mon...the bride and groom ones though) You know I have always felt rich..."lucky" (if you are Lin-Manuel Miranda) "blessed" ( if you area hashtagger on social media) or just plain fortunate!!!  Sure, I slip up now and then, mostly because of work shit..which is shit right now...but I don't need to find ZuZus pedals ala George Bailey (Merry Christmas Bedford Falls) to realize it.
So we made it to Disney....Final!y....and I got a few ideas about that too....how about some complimenatery phone charging stations...and that deodarant thing again!! . Oh my goodness the lines ....the waits.....the horror....it wasn't even that crowded I was told...being the middle of August.-but holy shit!!! How about tthe whole fast pass thing...my husband could not grasp the concept of it until I said it's like when you call ahead at Red Lobster.  Ahhhh !!! It was like Tinker Bell  hit his head with her magic wand!  Actually, we really never waited for more than 45 minutes which is a life time to a six and almost two year old and I have to admit that when we did get a fastpass...I was all "Suck it Losers". Also, what's with all  the scooters...I walked my 56 year old fat ass around the Magic Kingdom and Epcot where I also drank my weight in beers from around the world (plus a shot of limoncello from my homeland of Italy) I must say,too  if you are with child in a wheelchair...automatic fastpass...unless you are paying people with disabilities to get your healthy self through, which I heard is sometimes done...then you can take the fastpass straight to hell with Creuella DeVil, Captain Hook and all the other villians.   Finally....get your own Disney GPS system...because the regular one doesn't work in your parks Walt....I mean you have a "world" & a "land" you egomaniacal, rumored Nazi sympathizer....sorry, sorry. Hakuna Matata everyone....But we were lost and recalculated and u-turned enough to make us late for breakfasdt with Chef Fucking Mickey... Our poor GPS girl! (not what I was calling her during our driving debacle.. It was "c u next toodles"...for you Mickey Mouse clubhouse fans). We are driving though Georgia and she is still trying to get us to West Buena Vista Drive ! "I can still get you there guys...honest...just one more turn...guys???" But she got us to Charleston's to stay at my aunt and uncle's place for the relaxation part if our vacation!!  Now we are back and  we will be planning a wedding and you are all welcomed to come along on that journey!!! That brings us back full circle to my blog title...to see your children's dream come true is almost too much for this old girl's heart to handle. You see, I always felt my career was motherhood ...sorry Hillary... I support you to the end, but I was never that ambitious. But I wanted to raise the kind of people that let people ahead of them in Disney crazed lines. They do good and meaningful things on a daily basis! I couldn't be prouder of them. When all the chicks are back in their nests (which are all pretty close to then hen house)we will go on to our lives and hi ho hi ho...back to work we go (ugh..in my case, my job has been messed with yet again....retirement I hear you a callin') until the next adventure that is....We will all move on to have other dreams and wishes....but for me, a dream came true... it took few years but... Zipadee do dah Zipadee ay..everybody paid their own way....just sayin'