527,040 Minutes...

Yes, I'm a musical freak - I have been told I have "Musical Tourettes"- bursting in to the appropriate  song ( usually Broadway) at any given situation....so yes, the final 2012 blog title kind of comes from the musical, RENT. Seasons of Love... "525,600 minutes how do you measure- measure a year?"
There are 525,600 minutes in a year. 365 x 24= 8,760  x 60, yeah I did the math.  Well this mother f**ker of a year had an extra day-an extra 24 hours, an extra 1,440 minutes.
Now for those who have read my rantings this year, know that I thought that 2012 pretty much sucked.  Oh it had some fine moments, some sweet memories and lovely connections with some wonderful people....but the majority of it just plain sucked with a capital F.  I am not going to rehash the past and I do have a theory of why it was so awful (it has to do with last New Year's Eve and the responsible party has been contacted).
I did go back and forth about a title for this final blog.. like  Apocalypse Now What?  or  I Did it Mayan Way ..or just plain WTF is Wrong with Everyone.
 But then this happened:
The events of the last 37 days, the last 888 hours, the last 54,280 minutes made me change my mind.  I lived a lifetime in the the last 37 days.  The only way to  make any sense of it is to break it down in minutes.

• The minute I came home from work and hearing my husband say he has cancer. (the day before the day before Thanksgiving- the kick off of holiday& family & celebration time- really?...REALLY??)
• The minute you tell your kids their dad has cancer. Kids who lost their aunt 10 years ago to cancer. Kids who are old enough to know what this means.  Kids who are all grown up but still look at you with those eyes like "you can fix this right?"
• The minute the doctor came in the room and told us that everything in life as we knew it is now different. It is now the "first day of the rest of your life"...his exact words.  Now I always thought that was a nice phrase...a good positive, "you're gonna make it after all" phrase. But it took on a different meaning when the doctor said it.  Everything is changed-it is the end of our world as we know it (fucking Mayans).
• The minute my whole family met in the pre-op room and put on those brave faces as we smiled and made jokes (cuz that's what we do) and we were all terrified.
• The minute the doctor came out to talk to us and told us how well it went and when the pathology report comes back  (in about a week...A WEEK??!!??) we will go from there. Let's just hope for a speedy recovery he said and walked away and I knew he didn't really have the answers either.
• The minute that the old man in the white old man car slammed into my car as I drove home from a 7 hour day at the hospital. That was the day after the surgery, the same day some piece of shit shot up an elementary school. The day I couldn't hold it in anymore.  I couldn't be brave girl any more...I was everything I despise...the damsel in distress..ick....crying in the rain over a minor fender bender (minor meaning  two grand in repairs). 

Now God works in mysterious ways- we all know that.  The gall bladder attack led to the colonoscopy which led to the discovery of the cancer and the doctor saying "good thing you came in when you did" . God, who I will always believe has a great sense of humor..gently pushed one car into another so I can have my mental breakdown instead of the stroke which I probably would have had by "handling it" my way.  I could have done with out the $2,000 in repairs there, God....but I digress-

• The minute(s) the ever headstrong patient  *peed *ate solid food *handled pain pills *walked and * passed gas (passing gas is a huge deal in hospitals...and yes it just as funny especially when you have the same maturity level as your 2 1/2 year old grandson . When I sat in the recovery room of the "lifesaving" colonoscopy it sounded like they were re-casting Blazing Saddles...donotlaughdonotlaughdonotlaugh).  All those minutes allowed him to go home in record time.
• The minute you realize who your real friends are. 

That is a toughy. I always equate to a strainer of sorts...you shake and shake ...some people fall through...some people are keepers...those are your friends.  The friends that show up at the hospital with that "I don't know what to do or say " look on their face but they come in anyways.  Who cares if it's awkward and uncomfortable...it's fucking cancer ....it's the epitome of awkward and uncomfortable....but those friends were there-damn it!  The friends who bring you food and those who collect money and those who made sure there was no pity in their voices (or anyone else's) when they talked. And those you didn't hear from at all...not even a FaceBook like--the laziest of friendship efforts.  Whatever...I do forgive  I do not forget. (I guess I can be a real c word...the other c word)

• The minute you buy a Christmas present not knowing if that is the last one you will ever buy him.
• The minute you decide to put that brave face back on and listen to the kids at school sing "Silent Night" and "Have yourself a Merry Little Christmas" and not fall apart.
• The minute you get good news (Christmas Eve...God, you are so funny)
• The minute the doctor says the official words  "you're cured"
• The minute you finally exhale!

So there you have it...all those freaking minutes. I will never forget them and don't want to go through them ever again thank you very much.  It was quite an experience...the C word...the Big C word ...the word you whisper, like it you say it out loud, you'll get it.  Cancer...I have said and/or thought about that word every minute of the last few weeks. I say it without fear...because you can't really hide from it- so you have to put on that brave face and deal.  I did.  I will continue to be that brave girl into 2013 ...and then some. ...
So I say good bye to you 20-fucking 12...as AAA tows my son's car away because it won't start...you had to get one last one in didn't ya. 
I am ready for a great new year  .. "we got a lot of livin' to do"...told ya..musical tourettes...
And as long as Tim Horton's makes coffee, Jack Daniels makes whiskey and we are still getting those fancy little prescription pain killers... I can handle what 2013 has in store... but I am breaking the pills in half now---just sayin'    Happy New Year!

A cool crazy life...

"This is not my life" is a phrase that has running through my mind lately.  I know all the kids these days are saying F***My Life ...and with my love of the F-word, you would think FML would be my phrase of choice. But it isn't.  I suppose it is because I'm not angry or fed up with my life...I am merely an observer on how bizarre-o life (mine or anyones) can be at any given moment. Sometimes these moments are cool, sometimes crazy.
I think a lot of the events of my life are inherent and inevitable.  The schizophrenia nature of  my life comes from the fact that my dad, the cool Bohemian artist who would listen to Bob Dylan at 2 AM and my crazy "what are people going to think" mom had profound influences on me. 
So here I am finding myself in situations both cool and crazy.
For example a couple weekends ago, before the devastation of the hurricane, my daughters and I went to NYC.  It was a perfect weekend.  We hopped on a plane and flew down to visit friends and family.  I don't fly a lot of places...I really don't really enjoy flying. But when I do, I always feel kind of cool....but on the inside I'm crazy.  But this time, one of my daughters cornered the market on crazy.  She isn't a good flyer is an understatement.  Although there was no vomit....there was a 55 minute threat of it.  I, being the good mother, pushed down my crazy to keep her cool.  "oh that was nothing...just an air pocket or something" ...when really I'm thinking "mayday mayday ...were going doooowwwnnnn..." COOL and CRAZY ....PS.. the flight home was brought to you by VODKA MARTINIS.
So we land, grabbed a cab, devoured a couple Magnolia cupcakes and met my very good friend at 30 Rock . COOL.   Later, that afternoon, we got our photos taken and showed ID's to have clearance to go backstage and watch a rehearsal of Saturday Night Live...whaaaaaaaaaaaaat ??? SO COOL!
Here I am looking at the stage where performers I've adored stood on. A stage that I would dream about being on ( c'mon, who hasn't) since the 70's.  I'm standing in the hallway looking at a wa;; of  pictures of all the hosts and musical guests when I hear a familiar voice. Oh it's just Tom Hanks...Tom Freaking Hanks.. COOLEST   EVER....I'll say it : '''This is not my life"

So let's look at the flip side...a couple weeks prior to my SNL coolness I picked up my Dad (who is in the middle of recovering from knee surgery) to go to the store.  He had to go to the store so he could return a box of oatmeal that he didn't want. Yup... oatmeal.  I, of course offered to do it which meant handing him the $3.79 and tossing the box in the trash. But no, he had to tell the "couldn't care less"customer service person himself that the oatmeal tasted funny...of course it did ....IT'S OATMEAL!!!!  CRAZY  I'll say it: "This is not my life"
Sometime these crazy cool events are directly related which makes me think I probably bring  all this on myself.
About a month ago I adopted 2 kittens from a rescue organization ...COOL.  I was talked into taking 2 kittens, which didn't take much talking into I must admit. They are brothers and adorable and when I decided to take both kittens there was actually a round of applause from everyone because I wasn't separating them...VERY COOL.  A few days ago I noticed that one of the kittens came down with a little cold.  The lady from the organization offered to bring me some meds for him.  So she asked if I would meet her in a convenient parking lot to make the pick up. A situation I like to call Breaking Sad.... on a beautiful sunny day for what seemed like forever I waited. What is everyone else doing today...I am spending my afternoon waiting for cat drugs  CA-RAZY..Let's all say it: "This is not my life."

The more I talk to people, the more I realize that we all find ourselves in situations that are both crazy/cool.  It just depends how you look at things.  Almost immediately after commenting on how tired I was from our whirlwind  weekend in the city and I have to start taking it easy, I found myself in Rochester ...on a school night no less to see Bruce Springsteen for the 14th time.  Half my friends thought COOL...the others...CRAZY.   As much as I sometimes hate to admit it, schizophrenic or not... this IS my life. I think the crazier it gets. the cooler it actually is.  So here I sit blogging away...one little kitten sitting on my lap so cool while the other is tangled up in the power cord of my laptop...so crazy  ....Coincidence, I think not....just sayin'

Wake me up when September ends....

I borrowed this title from Green Day, my 2 1/2 year old grandson's favorite band (go figure).  I do feel that these days Billie Joe Armstrong is probably having a worse time of it than I am...but  it's my blog and he's in rehab so I'm using it.
It's hard for me to believe but just a little better than a month ago I was sitting on the beach.  The beautiful Atlantic Ocean was at my feet.  I would wake up and see dolphins and my biggest worry was making sure there was enough sun screen in my lip balm so my mouth wouldn't go all Jolie on me again.   I was with some of the best people I know.  Although all my kids weren't able to go, I did have my grandson with me. It wasn't perfect but it was pretty damn close.  I read a book, I ate delicious seafood, had some drinks and tons of laughs.
I remember one afternoon in particular.  It was hot, but not unbearable as it was earlier in the day.  I was sitting with family & friends and can see my grandson playing in a little tide pool, laughing and having the time of his life. I turned to my daughter, the one who was able to make the trip with her son, the same daughter who spent the summer choreographing the musical with me, and told her to think back.  I wondered if she remembered this one day at rehearsal when no one knew their lines and it was a zillion degrees in that theater and we thought we broke those damn tubular bells we borrowed.  The show looked like crap and no one seemed to care but us. She  did remember, so  I told her to close her eyes and think back to that clusterfuck of a day. Open them, I told her and look at her precious little boy running on the beach of this breathtaking ocean on this glorious August day.   We earned this vacation....we DESERVED this vacation!
Yep ....this is What I Did on My Summer Vacation Part II ( the original title of this blog),  Little did I know this wasn't a reward for a busy, productive summer.  It was: enjoy the sunshine sucker..here comes a big poop storm called September.
WeekOne:
Now when you work in a school, it's like you never grow up.  The real world goes to work every day  January to January.  School people start in September and we get that same feeling we got as kids.  The nerves, the anxiety, the dread...is that Jerry Lewis singing  "You'll Never Walk Alone"?  Well this year was different.  I slipped on my new school shoes (yes, I still buy new school shoes along with new these are on sale shoes and new hey it's Tuesday shoes )  This year, though, it was the last first day of school at my school because the powers that be (I really hate that phrase) decided to close our school to save a couple mill.   I get it,  I'm a taxpayer but this is the school my kids went to. Hell, this is the school I came to in 2nd grade.  So this will be a bittersweet year of lasts.
I had to face this like a grown up so as I took a big deep breath, I took in whatever was in the air and had the worst allergy attack ever.  I say ever because I don't really have allergies or sinus problems.  Well I do now.  This was the first week of school and here it is the end of the month and my nose is still running.  Week One blows...literally
Week Two:  After about 7 or 8 second opinions (none to his liking) my dad decided to have that knee surgery we suggested he have in the summer so we can be around to help him.  Nah...second week of school is better.  My sister, the first grade teacher and I played hospital tag for a couple days.  I took the keys to my parent's car (saying it would really help me out if I can borrow their car for a bit). The beck and call situation I put myself in is infinitely better than the "were those your parents that drove through the window of McDonald's?" scenario.  Realizing that my dad being out of commission meant that the day to day operations of that house was shut down we had no choice but to roll up our sleeves and play parents to our parents.  I cooked, I drove , I cooked , I drove.  I took my mom grocery shopping which turned into a horrifying episode of Supermarket Sweep.  "I need frozen vegetables ( frozen foods) I need powder (health and beauty) I need milk ( well that's by the frozen foods where we just were)  oh and  we need Pepsi ...and then she disappeared.  OK GO...Find all those items AND your mother....  Tell her what she's won, Johnny!!!
Week Three:  More cooking, more driving, more phone calls , more banking "this has been so nice seeing you so much... oh you don't have time for lunch today" ..... oh yeah, more guilt
Week Four: I am at work at the restaurant and  get the following  from the Mr.   Text 1: I am going to urgent care  Text 2: I am going to the hospital  Phone Call 1: no answer Phone Call 2: no answer  Voicemail 1: I'm on (breath)my way( breath) to the hospital.  Phone Call 3: "can't talk to you right now we're pulling up to the hospital now."...all said in a voice I have never heard from my husband. Half whisper half moaning.  WHAT THE FUCK?!!?
So off I fly to the hospital in my little waitress uniform. Now this is the second time I have left work to fly to the hospital in my little waitress uniform. The first time was a for fall on the ice and my kids called and said he was fine, and I met them there .  This time was different.  This time  I had no freaking idea what I was going to find when I got there.  Well I got there and he was standing in the ER...obviously having chest and abdominal pains.  Deep breath...this is better than what my over active imagination had me thinking.  Miraculously, within minutes of my arrival the pain got better, it down right disappeared.  Wow...I had no idea how powerful my presence was...seriously...I'm like Mother Theresa. Although I doubt Mother Theresa would have downed 5 shots of cherry vodka afterwards. Anyway... we still had to stay, for what turned out to be hours, to find out what was causing this. The smell of hospital doesn't mix well with the chicken wings and beer perfume I brought in on my little waitress uniform.  Ughhh... I hate hate hate hospitals, so add a dose of panic and fear and a Latino family with the little boy who hit his head crying next to us and the endless  parade of unprofessional personnel ("you guys are waiting for the doctor and stuff"...a direct quote)  slide over honey I need to lie down too.   Turns out the man has a bum gall bladder.  After a couple of days of we need to do surgery, no a procedure, no surgery, nah, we'll send you home instead. So they sent him home BUT  he needs to have that thing taken out not later but sooner ...Oh boy bring on October!!!  If I'm not mistaken, Green Day has a song called BASKET CASE....just sayin'

What I did on my summer vacation...part one

Yeah, yeah, yeah I know, everyone is saying summer isn't quite over yet... even though there is a small contingency of people who feel that summer is over after July 4th ( you know who you are).  I feel compelled to write about my summer (part one) while I should be packing for my vacation to the shore (part two).  Being the ADHD person that I am...my summers are anything but relaxing.  This year was no different, maybe even worse.  I noticed that I haven't "blogged" since the beginning of July.  That just proved to me how busy I actually was!

Now anyone who has been a loyal reader of my "MJ Sayin"  nonsense knows that I direct musicals in the summer and last year I chonicled it week by week. ( I must have had more energy last year.) This year's show kicked my ass.  The fact that it was "Egypt Hot" right up to show time didn't help my already thermometor bursting ( you know that graphic) temp-erature or temp-erament.   I also kept up my restaruant  job because I am a  money whore as you know  and  three days out of the week I was full time Gaga (not Lady...regular Gaga...no meat dress required but that does sound delicious). I made sure my mom got to where she needed to go. I celebrated 3 DECADES with my husband  and in honor of that we decided to re -do our kitchen.  WTF?  This summer's itinerary required the energy of an Olympiad and the organization, skill and rigor of a Navy Seal...So much for relaxing but remember this is just summer...part one.  Bring- it - on!

The Show:  It was very challanging this year.  It was a young cast and a very social cast.  I had assistants who were extremely helpful ( I honestly couldn't have done it without them) but they were also young. Which makes me the adult..a term I haven't come to grips with yet.   I have to say this show was one of our very best endeavors.  It was well attended and we may have made a profit which is not always the case. But there was a lot of drama.  My favorite quote is "if there was as much drama on the stage as there is behind the scenes we would win a Tony!"  I would come home from rehearsal ex-haust-ed!
Trying to keep everyone in line and happy and staying true to the integrity of my job as director while being open to other ideas and  handling power struggles as I tried to deter a possible "let's drink after the Friday night show" cast party proved to be a job that even Bob Fosse would have struggled with.  But he had better drugs...  "it's show time folks"!  But all in all - it was awesome. I am always so proud of my STAGE kids.  It came together (as it always does...).  This year there was much more...."you can't do that" and  it won't work" and "oh no you didn't" but that just makes me more obnoxious about making it happen, although I never gloat but the addition of a little kids choir was nothing short of genius. With show # 5 under my sequined belt.  I look to next year with new ideas and a fresh dose of crazy to unleash on my naysayers!!

The Kitchen:  Usually when we do anything to our house, we draw up divorce papers, just in case.  Anything short of changing a light bulb winds up in WW III (decades).  So just image ripping out counter tops and painting.  For the most part what I want is what happens but not without a fight and a Decorating 101 refresher course.  My choice for color this time was a dark salmon-y pink.  I grew up in a house where our wall color choices were  "egg shell" or " ecru" .  So we went from asparagus green to salmon ...yeah I know- food colors  ...I honestly don't do it on purpose.   The biggest dispute we have is that he is :Make it work at all cost it doesn't matter how it looks   I am:  I want it to look pret-ty.   His way requires rolls and rolls of duct tape.  My way is all accessories and decorative drawer pulls ( "what the f*** are pulls" ....a direct quote)  After almost a month of living in an episode of  HOARDERS...the kitchen edition, we have a beautiful, functional kitchen and our marriage is for the most part, intact.  I guess in times of  great adversity (  I can't find a fork ) you hang on to that person.  When the road gets really rough ( how do you heat things up without a microwave) you stick together.  After years of living with a broken dishwasher or actually being the broken dishwasher... here I sit...blogging AND doing the dishes...yes, it's the simple things in life!

Everything else: My waitress job is actually a welcomed change from being around kids all the time.  Not that our staff is grown up by any means.  But I love talking to people and bringing them food and making them happy ...(which is something that I do when I'm home ) only these strangers throw tons of  money at me....not a bad gig.  Not to mention there is bottle of Jack Daniels at arm's reach!   So that's cool.
The moment I punch out on the last day of school....and I mean the moment, my mom is there,  rubbing her hands together in anticipation of  spending the summer with me.(By spending the summer I mean driving me and my sister crazy)  I love my mom...I know so many people who have lost their parents and I am so lucky to have both of mine.....BUT ..."that is all I have to say about that"...thank you Forrest Gump.  Guilt prevents me from going on.  The irony of her telling me I work too hard while passively aggressively insisting I come pick her up to spend the day is priceless and she usually ends the trek by saying how much she enjoys my company and loves spending time with me.    Yeah I'm a schmuck...but I'm a really tired schmuck.  I have to remember that I will be there some day and I can see my kids doing  rock/paper/scissors  over who gets stuck with me....and the cats in the cradle and the silver spoon....everybody sing!!!
I could go on and on about my grandson...my lovey!  He has gone from repeating little phrases to actually having conversations and making little jokes.  It's an amazing thing being GAGA!  We had great adventures this summer (part one) and it continues on to part two.

 Part two consists of driving to New Jersey  with this little guy and his mom for a fast and furious couple days at the shore.  I can't think of anything better (well I  do wish the rest of my kids could be there too).  After another crazy, busy summer ...a day or two of ocean air sounds like a fabulous diversion to my upcoming school year (more to come about that shitstorm)!
I think of a mere 30 years ago...two KIDS  hopped in the car and just took off to the ocean for a honeymoon.  We landed in Cape Cod , a little north of where we are headed....but we always are drawn to the Atlantic and I never would have thought we'd be there  30 years later with a grandson...time flies when you're directing shows,  re-decorating a house, serving drinks and food a couple nights a week, chasing an exhausting, yet amazing little 2 1/2 year old, taking care of ailing parents while trying to maintain a certain level of dignified immaturity.....just sayin

Hot as Balls!

Yeah, I'm not really sure what that phrase means, but I love it and it does describe the weather the past week or so. Hot as Balls...I have a good idea what it means and I really don't want to think about it - I just like saying it! 
Now I love this weather ...this is the weather I think about when I am scraping the ice off my car windows, knee deep in snow.  This is the weather I think about when my car is in the furthest parking space from the store in mid December. This is the weather I think about when my back wheels are making that zzzz zzzz zzzz sound  when I'm stuck in the snow bank at the end of the drive way.  Got it? I love this weather...it's "hide the sharp knives" hot and I love watching the tempers flair! 
Now I understand....especially when the humidity is 1000%, we all get a little nastier.  But since I've kind of jumped feet first into my 50's, I like to think of it as leveling the playing field.   I have this personal little heat wave all year round...thanks a lot menopause!
I do have to feel for the kids in our theater group.  I think I have mentioned that we are attempting to perform
Jospeh and the blah blah bla ..Dreamcoat ( which, by the way, may be just Joseph! if we don't locate the technicolor son of a gun).   Anyway, in this hot little theater we have these 11 sweaty brothers dancing and singing sometime with their 11 sweaty "wives". We haven't even put up any real numbers yet....when we do ....there will be about 45 of them, plus about 20 musicians, a choreographer, musical & assistant directors and pre-menopausal me!  Oh and don't forget all the egos!  Honestly, I love these kids.  They are troopers.  They give it their all every rehearsal  ( can you tell it's early on in the process....I have scheduled a "melt down" no pun intended in about 2 weeks).
But honestly I do love this season...it's summer and  it's summer musical season.  ....
I used to wait all year for this time. You get to see all the people you really haven't seen for like 10 months and then you are practically joined at the hip with them for the next 2!!  I still feel this way...someone recently commented that it seems to be "taking over my life" and I answered that it absolutely has.  The obsession  is the best part about it...eat sleep musical....We couldn't wait til rehearsal and  when we cancelled a rehearsal ,I overheard one of my little actors say "awww I hate when I can't come here".   That makes it all worth it -a zillion degrees and all.
But the heat paired with a bunch of these theater folk,dare I say, divas (and I mean that in a good way) that makes for some tense times. Everyone has great ideas of how certain things should look and sound.  And they are all GREAT ideas and sometimes the Ado Annie in me comes out.and  "I caint say no"....It's because there is passion behind these ideas, it's not that they just want it their way....it's the passion, the
heat that drives these people to show up every night so we can "put on a show". It's hard to say no to that passion!  But I get paid the big bucks to make sure we have 200+ sweaty people for 4 shows walking out of that hot little theater thoroughly entertained ...at least $9 worth of entertained!
There is something about this season ...the sultriness ...the smoldering heat that makes people go to extremes...it's the extreme that I like I think...(so I cant say no and I like to go to extremes to those keeping score out there)
We all know that it is the the heat makes people...actors and other animals misbehave a bit.  My favorite is when someone says something so mean and so rude and then comes back with..."sorry  I'm just hot" ....like no one else is. 
Now the only people I will let slide on that are the cooks that I work with at the restaurant.  Man, its like working on the sun back there. So you have to be nice to the cooks....and while you're at it be nice to your servers- we work back there too  and ...if you haven't learned that lesson yet -don't mess with the people that touch your food.  So thank you Mr. I am more important than anyone else,
I will bring your 50 chicken wings out when they are ready...so you don't have to remind me that you ordered them/ask me where they are...I have been doing this for a long time, dude, I know how it works.  You order...Cooks cook...I bring out...pretty simple asshole...sorry I'm just hot...
Thank God for air conditioning ....when it works...especially in your car.   So Ms. I had to cut you off just to go 20 miles under the speed limit, my horn works way better than the air conditioner does....Is it getting hotter in here...
Yeah it is... hot as balls...Balls- while we are on the subject -is one of my favorite "swears" It's kind of kid friendly because they don't get it yet and it way less offensive than motherfucker.  I always imagine that being my answer when James Lipton asks me what my favorite swear word is on Inside the Actor's Studio-
"It's motherfucker, James" .....yeah so ...I never grew up...remember ...I used to be one of those sweaty actors on stage ...now I'm the sweaty, pre-menopausal director  ( which still gets looks and comments believe it or not ...woman director???) I think the reason I like the phrase hot as balls so much is that it reminds me of the origin of why I  say "BALLS" when I get mad.  I believe the quote is... "Balls, said the Queen, if I had them, I'd be King"...just sayin'

A Few Good Men

I have been thinking about men lately....and not because of that 50 Shades of Whatever.  I think about men a lot.  So what...I have a lot of men in my life to think about.  A husband, a dad, a son, a son-in-law, a grandson, co workers, friends and to top it off, I was in search of about a dozen or so guys who can sing and dance.  
Yes it is theater season again and we decided to do Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat ...which requires in addition to the main character of Joseph, his 11 brothers!   We did it...we found a dozen (and then some) talented young men to fill the bill which only means, I will be surrounded by even more men this summer! (Much more about my musical trial and tribulations to come...) So back to men
Maybe because it was just Father's Day ...maybe because I went to 3 wakes for 3 men. One was a grandfather, one dad from our school..one father of a dear friend who was also a war hero. All very sad and all got me thinking about the men in my life and men in general.

I don't claim to be an expert, but a few decades of observation and 30 years of marriage have led me to the conclusion of men...they are all alike!  Young, old, gay, straight, any shape, size or color....men are all alike.  I'm not saying that is a bad thing. There is some comfort in that I feel.  I have had many conversations over coffee or stronger beverages about husbands or boy friends and many times my answer to them has been..."it's a man thing"  More times than not...I have been right..."It's a man thing". 
So what does that mean......the idea that men are only after one thing is true...but that one thing changes, it differs a bit with the man and the situation, but I will try to break it down  
HUNGRY- EAT  TIRED - SLEEP  MISERABLE- POOP
(usually poop...sometimes this last emotion if you can call miserable an emotion involves s-e-x ...a shade of grey if you will).  I know it sounds infantile but in my experience it helps to keep this in mind and it applies cradle to grave.  My grandson and my husband are much easier to be around after they EAT SLEEP POOP ...(starring Julia Roberts...).

Proof: One time we had to deal with an insurance issue. I spoke to the insurance agent, I got all the info ...I made some decision or two that I was a little unsure about.  So I called the Mr and told him what I had done/decided and he was very quite on the other end of the line. 

ME:"Did I do the wrong thing...should I have done something different, you're not saying anything"  HIM: "It's fine, but really have to go to the bathroom."  

Your Honor...I rest my case!

Maybe this is not true with all men...but in my experience, it makes life easier if you get those three things out of the way first, then you can further investigate and they are sooooo different from girls it's kind of refreshing. Speaking as a mother.  I have 2 daughters 1 son...now we all know how girls can be (that is a blog and a half) but having a boy in the middle gave me a little respite from GIRLWORLD. 

Proof:  My son had some guys over back when Texas Hold 'Em was all the rage.  There were some words exchanged about some one cheating blah blah blah, voices got loud and  there was some storming out.  I was panicked.  I was expected to spend the next day on the phone with some  of the moms of these upset boys and I was trying to piece together how it all went down.  The next day rolls around and there they are.. all the boys ...everyone of them back at my house, playing poker like nothing happened.  Awesome!   If this were one of my girls and a situation like that broke out...I would be dealing with weeks of phone calls  and tears and probably an eating disorder or two.  Holy shit!  I love men!

Another cool thing about men is that my son and my husband are still friends with people they went to elementary school with.   I have one, just one that I stay in touch with... Tammy- who used to ride bikes by boys houses with me and was by my side for my first encounter with a real man...Hubbell Gardner (aka Robert Redford in the Way We Were.) That perfect man in that perfect movie which we saw about 100 times  and consequently "ruined romance for us" ...But it was those early days looking for a  ''Hubbell" that made me love men!

I do ...I love men...which is why I am giving myself license to dish a little. I like the company of men...I prefer to work for and with men I get along with all the cooks (men) at the restaurant and share a room at school with a man....I kind of grew up as a "one of the guys" girls.  (I'm "the you're so funny, hey, let's chug a beer and listen to this disgusting , offensive  joke  and who is your tall blonde friend? " girl) So I have always felt comportable around men.  ....most of my friends and very best friends are men. I DO believe men and women can be friends (sorry to the "Billy Crystal" out there... I think I kind of do believe it)

But as much as I love men I hope everyone out there that you knows  you have to love yourself before you can really love any man...or anything.  I don't want to go all Oprah on you ...but you come first...then your man...(that's what she said...couldn't resist)  But honestly, sometimes we lose ourselves in what our men want and drive ourselves crazy "over a guy" to quote Holly Hunter in  Broadcast News.  I love that movie too.  She is a successful news producer whose world is shook up "over a guy"...now granted this guy was William Hurt.  But it goes to show you how we can drive ourselves to drink because some man says or does something that cuts us to the core and we spend hours trying to shake it and figure it out what it all means and sometime the answer is very simple.
Sometimes our men just want to EAT SLEEP POOP and maybe a couple a shades of grey...just sayin

So a deaf man and a blind woman walk into a bar....

Sounds like the beginning of a great joke, right?  Oh the possibilities!  But it's no joke, folks....tonight at the restaurant/bar where I work, a deaf man and a blind woman came in for dinner.  Keep this thought in mind as I say that I was in that "waa- waa- feeling sorry for myself "mood.  I'm driving to my second job,and I'm pissed off at every dumbass driver that crossed my path.  I am stressing over the beginning stages of musical planning....the business part of "show" business which I really don't like..I am also stressing over being in the midst of putting up a show which I "adopted" when their director quit....Plus..I am in a total "what the hell do I want to do if and when I grow up" phase. 
Shut. Up.  right?

So it's hot and  it's humid, my hair looks like Linc from the Mod Squad and my mind is going in a hundred different directions and my first table is this deaf man and blind woman.  GREAT!  Within seconds ... I immediately start feeling like a real jackhole for even complaining about my perfect life.  This couple sat there, holding hands... holding hands because that  is how they communicate with each other.  She would sign into his hand as he read the menu and signed back to her.  He would look at me then and speak his order the best he could.  I'm sure he was thinking why is this goofy woman smiling so much? (I suppose I smile a lot in awkward situations)...but it was better than trying to be all Annie Sullivan at them and try to"over" help.  They were doing just fine on their own.  They ordered their dinners and drank their sodas "with not a lot of ice" . They were fascinating to watch and absolutely adorable. 

I wonder if they know the impact they had on me.  It was like getting hit in the head with a cast iron frying pan a la Wile E. Coyote on the Road Runner cartoons.  How dare I complain about the "stuff" I have to deal with.  I think of the people I encounter during the day...co-workers, family, friends, random humans...there is a whole lot of bitching out there folks and I'm not so sure how much of it is justified.  We all have "one of those days" ...I was having one myself.   We are all allowed to have them ...once in a while.  Some people, though,  are really pushing it ...in my opinion.  Now I am all about that "walking in their shoes"shit  and you really don't know people until then...but COME ON!!!  I see an awful lot  of " boo hoo..there was a long line at the bank as I was cashing my $1000 check"  kind of whining.   I wish those people (and again- you know who you are) could have witnessed the deaf man and blind woman having dinner.

I wish more people had the LIVE LAUGH LOVE attitude that I try to have...and I think I do tons of reality checks when I start getting whiny. People need to do that more. And now here's a little story..
When I had my last child ...there were ....complications....not with her, thank God...with me.  I won't go into it...that's a whole other blog topic.  But I almost didn't make it.   There were surgeries and heart issues and thoughts of being the main character in the Lifetime movie of the woman who went to have her third child and didn't come out alive....scary stuff kids...but it's been 22 years and for the most part  have adopted the live your life lifestyle.  You just never know ....
I have been accused, many ,many times of not taking things seriously.,  "you know, not everything is funny," I've been told... Well the truth is...not everything is funny...mostly it's hysterical ...you just have to be able to look at life a little differently.  Sure there are serious, scary things...I 've been  through a bunch of them...but when things are not that bad....don't make them worse.  Try to be positive...have faith and don't be afraid to laugh and enjoy the ride.

Back to the deaf man and the blind woman...they ate every bit of their dinner....paid their bill, left me a great tip and they were on their way.  The bartender and I wondered how they manage.  What do they do when they get home.  How do they run errands, pay bills and just do every day tasks ?Everything seemed like it was such a struggle....probably not to them, though..they were just out for dinner on a lovely, warm May evening.  I honestly can not get them out of my mind..but I forgot to mention that when I gave them their drinks, they sat there for a minute. As I walked away.. out of the corner of my eye  I saw them clink glasses together...."cheers".

Now I don't like to cry in public....I am a very emotional person but I do NOT like people to see me cry....only a few chosen have...but man...turn on the water works when I saw the deaf man and the blind woman toast each other over their diet pepsi's....it was truly one of the coolest thing I ever saw.  I'm not going to say it changed my life but it surely gave me a kick in the big ass attitude adjustment.... So maybe I didn't get that interview and ONE  of our cars may need work on the transmission...and my kitchen counter didn't come in ..but just I saw and I heard two of the coolest people ever who made me open my eyes and ears on this lovely, warm May evening ...."cheers'.....just saying

This is a test...this is only a test.....

Beeeeeeep....remember those? Those Emergency Broadcast System things used to scare the shit out of me! What were those and what is the Emergency Broadcast System anyway? All I know is that I would hear that beep and think "just a test...did they say it was just a test?  This isn't THE emergency where  we are supposed to tune into that station....wait ...what are we supposed to do....WHAT ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO?"

I can only assume that this stress early on in my life contributed to my hatred for tests!  I hate tests -always have.  I guess I don't know of too many people who enjoy them (I'm sure you're out there) but I know there are people who handle them better than I. 
I am not a good test taker....I never was. I would try to study but I never knew what to study and I always studied the wrong stuff. I had all kinds of tricks, songs, mnemonic and none of that information was ever on the test. I would read so much in to the questions that I would wind up stressing over the simplest things.
(What do they mean by Name__________________?)

Tests- I know at one point in my life....way, way back... I took a test and did so well that they wanted me to skip a grade at School 49.  I think it was 1st or 2nd - I don't know because my Mom said no based on the fact that I was too little....size wise...too little.  I will pause here for the collective ...huh?.  Whatever ...I can't think about how different things may have been because everything happens for a reason but seriously....too little....huh?

But grade skipping aside, I know that I am sort of bright, kind of clever and sometimes I can be
somewhat of a "smartypants" if you will...but put a test in front of me and I'm all TRUE...no FALSE...no TRUE...oh shit!  Maybe I can make it look like a "T" and an "F"  and let the person correcting deal with it. 

Tests- I'm stressed just thinking about the word.  Even out of the school setting...who ever wants to hear the phrase  "I'm sending you for tests" or "those tests were inconclusive so we'll run some more tests "  I do not like those kinds of tests either. 

Road Test- I passed mine on the first try and I am a HORRIBLE driver. I checked my mirrors and parallel parked and passed....so what did that prove.  It proved for that little snapshot of my driving ventures,  I did everything right.   I guess that is kind of my point.   Tests kind of show what you know or what you remember at that little snippet of time.  In college, I took and passed tests in classes ranging from Greek Mythology to Geology to Rhetoric...test me now on that BS ( ironically the degree I earned) I don't think I would do very well...geology-really?.  I do know a bit about Greek Mythology mostly thanks to crossword puzzles and Jeopardy.

The reason  TESTS have jumped in the forefront of my cluttered brain is that for the past two week the 3rd, 4th  & 5th graders at the school I work at have been inundated with New York State tests.   Now the tests have been all over the news mostly due to the unfair questions, the "opting out" movement,  the amount of time used for teaching to the tests and the ridiculous actions they will be taking with the results of these tests.
A certain percentage of the classroom teacher's evaluation will be determined by the outcome of the tests.  Can you imagine  you are assessed  based on how a bunch of 8 year olds felt like doing on a test on a certain day? 
 It's like my driving test.  I did well on that day....but if I hadn't, I wouldn't have gotten my licence...but they wouldn't have taken away my dad's licence because he's the one who taught me how to drive. Sounds silly when you think about it like that.  But that isn't even the worst part.  I just think about that one kid...that one who is just like me when I'm faced with tests.  The stress of having to take 6 tests in 2 weeks is more than I would have been able to handle at that age.
They are told not to worry and get upset about it, it's just like any other test but only use these #2 pencils (do we know what the other number pencils are for)/we can't answer any of your question/ if you need to use the bathroom you must do so with a chaperone /and make sure you bubble in correctly/ DON'T ERASE -cross out then circle...what the fuck?  I'm stressed!
Let's face it ... I took tests as a kid and I know, more recently my kids took tests.   I always told them do your best, prepare yourself and do your best...YOUR best. You don't have to do THE best.  If you do, great, but just try to show what you are capable of.
 I recall my youngest (a lot like me) totally stressing about these test. Stomach aches ...head aches...and me totally relaxed mom at this point...  telling her that  the outcome of these tests for her will be someone saying..."oh she did well, just like I thought  or hmmm I thought she'd do better".   But either way it won't change your day to day life....and it didn't. My son...who also followed in my footsteps as a bad test taker...did not fare well on his Math assessment way back when he was 12 or 13.  (yes ...let's test kids going through puberty and base important decisions on those results.) When the dust settled and the results were in, his score showed he was eligible for extra help in Math,
a subject that he was now pulling 90's in. So much for tests,  I did have one good test taker- my oldest daughter--the logical one ...She has a brilliant mathematical mind and  also says some of the "air headiest "things  I ever heard uttered by a human being.  So much for tests.

So in conclusion..being an intelligent woman, a "smartypants" as aforementioned, I can see the need for tests- I understand what they show ....but I don't think it tells the whole story.   While proctoring one of these test I encountered a "little darling" that will probably score very well on these assessments but was one of the most obnoxious, rudest child I've seen.  What are you going to do with that New York State!  While tests are important ...I always feel there are things that can't be tested (on paper) that prove more important.  I like seeing people's true colors come out when "tested" in certain situations.  Some of the "smartest" people are the "dumbest" people I know.  You know who you are!
So tests...are there good tests?  Taste tests- I guess I'd like those...Pregnancy tests...I was always pretty good at those-- ( I can pee on those sticks like nobody's business) but those can be scary too...
And the phrase "I've been tested" has a whole new meaning in these current times  One's reaction to hearing that phrase come out of one of your childrens' mouths is a true test of a person  ----my reaction.....let me see if I can illustrate it....you know those Looney Tune cartoons where the character has a frozen smile on  and piece by piece their face falls apart....yeah that's the reaction!

So yeah I get it ...tests are a necessary evil in all aspects of society but I guess how you react and what you do with the results is more telling than anything they can test you on.  
Just
a) be prepared
b) do your best
c) don't panic
d) whatever the result- deal with it and move on
Ummm...I choose e) all of the above...true?   no... false no true...can you repeat the question...
just sayin'

Gas Station Chardonnay anyone?

Did I mention that it was a gas station in Virginia ...also that they had Merlot,  Pinots both Noir and Grigio and a nice Cabernet Sauvignon....individually portioned out in little glasses. Who is buying these ???  "Fill 'er up and may I see your wine list?"... Red with beef jerky right?  I will get back to this whole issue later...I do have a point,  not that they are selling "fancy" wines in a gas station isn't point enough!
Two things....1) I went on a little vacation with the Mr. and b)  I turned 52 since my last blog.  Oy....52 is such a big freaking number.  At the school where I work, a friend of mine made me a little sign that the give the kindergartners on their birthday..."I'm 5 Today!" a big 5 on a string to wear around my neck...of course, mine had a little 2 next to it.  Funny, real fucking funny.
One of the little kids said hey that's mixed up ...it should say 25.....I love that kid!!! Okay nice compliment I guess...but it was coming from kids who aren't really secure with their numbers yet....(question: what is  1 + 1 more?  answer: kittens...not the sharpest group of 5 year olds).  It is the equivalence of getting proofed at the grocery store when you buy beer.   You feel kind of good until you look over and there is someone who looks like that Crypt Keeper fishing through her purse with her bony fingers to find her old ass ID as well.
It got me thinking 52/25 how different is it...Let's see when I was 25 I had one child and one on the way...so I was in Mommy Mode. I still kind of am in Mommy Mode...Grandmommy Mode even. Like now, I was working & busy all the time.. but  I probably acted older at 25 than I  do now.....I absolutely acted older than I do now. 
Case in point:  For our little spring break vacation we decided to take the train down to the Outer Banks and spend some time with friends in one of those big beautiful houses. We did that once before and it was really relaxing and nice.  So off we went on a long-long-long train ride through most of the day and all of the night.  I got to thinking...what's the Amtrak equivalence of the Mile High Club?  That's a 25 year old thinking, right?  I mentioned it to the Mr. and surprise surprise he was all for it...ALL FOR IT! "WOO WOO - complete with arm pumping like your blowing the train whistle" all for it!  K, so we are on the same page with this.
We sat on the train for a while and just when it seemed like the perfect time...in come a huge family with about 25 kids . They were scattered all through the seats of this train.... in every nook and every cranny...where ever you looked there was a "Dugger"...all kind of homeschooly...all whiny...all complainy and their overbearing, somewhat judgmental mother  ..total. mood. breaker!   But I'm not letting those kids, that scary mom and her spindly little husband ruin my big idea. An idea that seemed much more realistic earlier in the  romance novel/soft porn planning stage. That being said...
Let's check out the bathroom...tacky I know...but dammit I will not be a 52 year old AARP passenger on this train eating a butterscotch candy and reading a grown up home and garden magazine with my reader glasses...get the picture..so ALL ABOARD BITCHES!!!!
In the bathroom everything was wet... I mean everything and I'm not sure why, what or how but having used the bathroom on the train before...I have a pretty good idea.  Think port-a potty and the people from Jackass . Not the most romantic nor sanitary place. 
We change trains about 3 AM ...perfect ...we get on board and we don't have seats together doh!....So I doze off and when I awake we are surrounded by a what seems like a church gospel group ....doh!  Sadly...Operation Hoo Hoo on the Choo Choo is aborted and I'm 52 again.

We get to the beach and it is glorious...we have a beautiful house with a deck right outside our bedroom with a porch swing and a ocean view...it is how the other half lives....the half that doesn't have 5 jobs between the two of them.  We walked by the ocean and drank beers, ate crab legs and spent time with our friends when we wanted ...basically came and went as we pleased.   Okay 52...not so bad....at 25 we were like the only one of our friends with kids and they would be doing the aforementioned activities while we was being mommy and daddy. Not a complaint...just a fact...a fact of my life.
So there it is- this is where I am and I guess I have to accept it and I am accepting it ...kicking and screaming all the way.  The vacation, like all unrealistic things, comes to an end ...we head home and I think back to reality ...52!
But then we drove 14 hours straight to get home in time for me to catch the Springsteen concert ...I realized I am not growing up anytime soon -considering this was my 11th time seeing him.  I sang and danced and screamed BRUUUCCEEE all on about 1 hour and 20 minutes of sleep.
...And that night when he sang one of my favorites "Thunder Road" that was me screaming the lyric.."so you're scared and you're thinking that maybe we ain't that young anymore"..."Show a little faith" Bruce says..."there's magic in the night"....There is magic in the night ! Maybe not the night we attempted to "do the locomotion" but maybe it was the night we drove home from a vacation and stopped at a Virginia gas station and noticed that they sell individual glasses of wine there.  At 25 ...I may have missed the irony of that because of normal parental preoccupations...but at 52... I found it hilarious... Now the big question...how was the wine?...seriously...I'm immature, I'm not stupid...just sayin'

Virginia Gas Station Chardonnay anyone?

Cbardonnay

...it's all the stuff

This blog title comes from one of my favorite movies..."The Jerk".  It's the movie where Steve Martin  goes from "poor black child" to millionaire and then loses it all, but it's okay 'cause all  he needs is his thermos...and that's all he needs...oh yeah and this table....Classic...The particular part I quoted was actually from his wife, Marie played by Bernadette Peters who (after they lose their fortune) says in her best Kewpie Doll voice..."it's not the money....it's all the stuff. 
Sometimes I wonder how much "stuff" do people need?  I have been thinking about money a lot ...more than usual that is.  Usually I think of how much money I need.....how much do I need to: pay the bills, get out of debt, to afford a new whatever, go on vacation...or most of the time... to go grocery shopping.  But these days I am thinking about money in a different way.  How much do people need?  I often wonder about billionaires and why am I not one....but really- how do they possible spend all the money they have.  Are these the people that buy the solid gold bathroom fixtures or spend $25,000 on sunglasses?  You can't possible spend that much money in a life time...can you?  I mean those nauseating BRAVO housewives ( who don't seem to do anything resembling work) go bankrupt because of bad business deals but still continue to spend spend spend....it's all so hard to understand for someone who works 3 count 'em 3 jobs and sometimes only has $3.65 in her wallet.

Now the reason I have been thinking money is that one of my aforementioned jobs is in an elementary school.  Anyone who has been watching these last few years has seen schools lose their funding.  Schools have been force to make brutal cuts to make up the deficits cause by, in my opinion, bad decisions and good ol' American greed.  These cuts have touched many people close to me...one very close....my own daughter had to give up on the thought of a teaching job a year or so ago. So sad...she was, and is still, an awesome teacher. A while back her math position was cut and then it was impossible to find another and since then things have gotten worse.....way worse!
Not only has staffing been cut, but programs...sports and music and art...across the boards- the programs that directly affect children.  Some of the programs which were slashed are the very reasons that make certain kids want to go to school. Sometimes it's the only reason. So sad ...because out there...somewhere... "some one's  being greedy" (say that in a playground sing songy voice please)......and you know who you are.  The people making the rules are not the ones playing the game...they are not in the trenches so to speak.
 I'm pretty sure these people are the one that get in to office and vote to give themselves pay raises as their first order of business...For real?  How much more do you need for doing a job that you really, really wanted ...I mean you campaigned for it for God's sake. 
I remember one time one of my insightful children made a great observation...."how come the people with the worst jobs get paid the least...? " Good point huh?....no one WANTS to change bedpans so shouldn't those people get paid more ...for incentive ...then athletes, actors and the like, ( the ones supposedly doing something they LOVE) getting paid ungodly amounts.  It doesn't make sense, right?
Did you ever notice that those athletes actors and the like are the ones that get free shit -like fabulous gift bags full of things they can most certainly afford.  So you just won the Super Bowl...oh that's not enough...here's a new car. SERIOUSLY??!!??  I'm sure the quarterback for the Giants isn't waiting around for a ride after the game because his wife has the car that day.

Money, Money, Money! it makes the warped world go 'round.  Now don't get me wrong....I heart money....I have referred to myself as a "money whore"... more than once.  In addition to school, I work at a restaurant.  I initially started working there as a bold move to fend off the empty nest syndrome but  now I would soooooo miss the money!!! But before you judge too harshly, please know...I have done and still do my share of giving back out of the goodness of my heart. (awwww) I mean...I'm not tithing or anything crazy like that....but I've volunteered my time and talents especially when my kids were younger and I fully expect to do the same for my grandson and future grand children.  I think I have instilled a little bit of that sense of community and giving back to my kids. They are all pretty generous with their time and are always willing to help each other out financially when they can. I did give them allowances growing up ...but I also wanted them to know that somethings (like chores)  you just do because you are helping someone out.  Although, I remember my youngest slamming her $2 down on the kitchen table and said...it's not worth it ....and refused to clean up the living room.  There's one in every family......
The "what's in it for me"syndrome runs wild these days....an ironic statement coming from someone who works for tips...(how badly do you want that hamburger?). 
In school, when I am playing games with the kids (a lost art these days)...."what do I get if I win" is a question that is often asked and usually answered with..."you get to win!"  Since when is winning not enough...I love winning!!!  You get to say "I WIN".
In a business class I took waaaay back in college, I learned that being appreciated and told "thank you" was more meaningful than money.   I do believe that and I also know my fortune is not found in my bank account.  I think we need to start to appreciate the little things in life...like a kind word...a compliment... or some one bringing you a coffee or hearing "Gaga...I love you" or laughing so hard you cry (don't you just love that feeling).   I think we can all do with a lot less "stuff". I know that I have an exceptional family that is loving and funny and precious. I have great, great friends and enough money to go around and you know what... that's all I need ...oh yeah and those awesome pink shoes I saw and that's all I need.... just sayin'.

Looking for some inspiration in 2012

I was going to name this blog WTF 2012 but I am trying to watch my language even in the blogworld...wish me luck.
 Here it is only 52 days in to 2012 and I am wondering what the what is happening?  Now everything started out pretty okay...uneventful which at my age is a good thing...but then....some time in the middle of January ....boom....not  BOOM....but boom.
It started with the big evergreen tree in front of our house falling down in a windstorm....didn't hit anything or hurt anyone, but it was unnerving and me with all my Italian-ness wondered ....what's next...this stuff happens in 3's. 
Next was the week that I went to 4 doctors.  None for me....but 4 in almost as many days. 
My oldest daughter, who after 2 years of motherhood became a true mother when she ignored her ailments and kept on plugging away at life when she should have probably been on some big time meds.  Doctor 1....I dragged her to clinic where she had all kids of "itises" and was put on some big time meds.  Welcome to motherhood honey.....
Then I more or less tricked my father in to letting me take him to the doctor for his knees.  My dad...the man who never took an aspirin in his life....who would roll his eyes at a "cut" that could have used a band aid...a stitch....a tourniquet.. is now walking with a cane and grimacing with every step.
Under the guise of me needing to pick up some films from the doctor (can't believe he bought that) I was able to drive him and mom (oh he's fine) to get his knee checked out once and for all....knowing that a knee replacement is in our future.   Yes, OUR future...we are currently on our 4th second opinion....the man clearly does not want surgery...and he doesn't want some kid (me) telling him what to do....Doctor 2
When I was growing up, if someone got sick- my mom liked to trace it back to the source....so and so got you sick- I knew it.!!  I would be afraid to cough some times because here's my mom figuring who's fault it was- tracing it back to some monkey in the jungle like in the movie Outbreak..  Well this time the little monkey was my grandson who seemed to get everyone sick (not his fault....ever) But eventually it was his turn for some meds....my poor lovey.  Just a little ear infection and a runny nose ...Doctor 3
Now I was about to make some snarky post on Facebook about my doctor ordeals, but something held me back .....these things come in 3's I foolishly thought.....cue the ominous music.  Boom...- I mean BOOM  
My youngest daughter's little puppy got hit by a car. Now she is totally in love with this little pain in
the ass (whoops) dog and the night before it happened she was snuggling with him saying she can't
believe how much she loves him ...if this were a soap opera ( isn't it?) there would be a long, dramatic
camera shot on my face....looking fearfully into the lens..biting my clenched fist....aaaand commercial.
The next day, he ran out the door, down a busy street, and got clipped by a car that should have probably killed him....thankfully for my daughter it didn't ....
His little legs were broke ...broke.....broke in a way that required surgery ...Notice how many times I used the word BROKE ...pun intended!  I usually have a policy on animals and vets....money IS
an object and I am never sure if the poor little things even feel better even though their owners do.   But there is no price that can be put on the well being of my child.   We had the means to fix her little love  --- so we did it. (Animal)  Doctor 4. 

That was one week folks....one week ... and after that came the loss of a job ( my son's) more illness...unexpected bills...finding out the we are paying more taxes than Mitt Romney, work nonsense  etc etc...It was then that I looked to the heavens and said ...Hey- what gives? 
Now I used to be a church go-er....I made all my sacraments and made sure my kids did too.  Every Sunday, for years and years I would sit- stand -kneel like a good little Catholic....but recently I stopped  going as much for various reason.  One day I sat -stood -knelt and realized I really don't agree with a lot of this stuff.  Not so much the water and wine stuff....that's actually pretty cool - but the don't do this don't do that stuff that made me feel bad about myself.
I sin....like everyone else (maybe a little more than everyone) but I don't think leaving early to get my kid to her job or not giving enough money or using a contraceptive for instance makes me a bad person.  I would leave feeling horrible about myself....the EXACT OPPOSITE of  why you go to church. 

Thankfully, I never lost my spirituality ....I still pray and believe in the higher power but lately I have had too many days where I  sit and cry like Holly Hunter in Broadcast News.   I have a great life ...it is....to quote Mary Poppins  Practically Perfect in every way!   But I need a little inspiration ....a little lift to get myself out of what has been called the Life Troth.  (how do you say that word?)

 As I watched my gorgeous brown eyed boy turn 2 this week and prepare for a weekend with my girls in NYC ....I see that there is hope for 2012....it had a rocky start. no doubt about it....but I think with a little help from above and some positive thinking I will see that hey it's only money and a little dog with a limp is kind of cute. There are jobs to be found, money to  be made and spent...and my goofy family who is always there for each other no matter what...is  all mine and wouldn't trade them...not all of them anyway...
I never like to use the phrase :it could be worse, because it could be better too.  So off I march...in to March....looking  to the skies to save me....looking for some inspiration...some crazy new avenue to take...a new recipe ...since food DOES make everything better...a new outlook and something new to believe in and hey it could be worse....I could be Mayan....just sayin

Hi Cock Muffin

Okay..Now I that I got your attention...this is not a blog about my favorite pet names or a new line of pornographic pastries.
This is merely a quote from my adorable grandson.  He was saying that he is about to enjoy a delicious chocolate muffin.
 He has his own little language that only our family can decode. Well, most of our family and only some of the time..  We do have those.."what is he saying" moments or random text messages of  "what does dee dee dah mean?" And we all know that "cock" means black or in food terms...chocolate.  Now a friend of mine commented on how nice it is to greet your food before you eat it and I agree. (Hello AND Good bye New York Strip Steak and Lobster Tail).  I sort of remember when I was younger taking a piece of warm bread and giving it a little kiss before eating it.  That probably explains my love/hate relationship with carbs.
But I love the look on the face of the counter person when they ask "what kind do you want, honey" and he says "COCK". It's priceless.  We are at the point where we are ..."duh, chocolate". 
I am amazed at how much and how fast he is learning.  I guess when you are a parent you are in the trenches and they learn - they grow and you are in the midst of it.  But not when you are a grandparent....it is (like everything he does) truly amazing.  I don't see my grandson for a day or two and he is speaking in full sentences.  He is such a little character too...The other night he was staying over night and he clearly requested that I sing a Lady Gaga song for him so he can fall asleep.  So I did...without the meat dress.   He is growing up so fast and has very definite tastes. Music for instance...he is a big Green Day fan....but is not above the Best, Best, Best Peeeeeet song from Sesame Street. 
And of course colors...that sweet little voice saying boo....geeeen...pah pur..weddooow and the ever popular Cock!
I guess I was always a fan of baby language and the way their baby minds work.  Words like hoppadopper (helicopter) skilliers (my nephew's version of skewers) jump to mind.
They repeat or try to any way.  My grandson is very good at the cadence of words and the melody of speech. He is pretty good at it.
Which also makes me, a gold medal, world class swearer,....kind of have to watch my filthy f****ing mouth.  But this is nothing new.  It goes back to his mom...my oldest. When she was a baby she spoke very early and come to think of it hasn't stopped since.  She had a funny way of looking at things too.
I dressed her up for Halloween as Baby Miss Piggy when she was about 4  and she suggested that she carry Baby Kermit with her so people don't think she is just "another pig in a dress"...Classic!
A couple years before, we were driving down the street (driving is where I believe swearing was invented) and someone did something stupid and I said "watch it ass" and from the back car seat came "mommy, the word is asshole"   Ahhh I stand corrected.
Now I really have tried to watch my big mouth in front of little ears and I always give up swearing for Lent.  (which makes for a colorful Easter morning....find your f***ing baskets kids....not really).  As my children grew up they knew what was appropriate language and when to use it.  Like the word "sucks"...Sucks  became almost acceptable our language.  This all of a sudden happened in the years that my kids were growing up...it was in movies (like kid movies)  and tv shows and books.  Which, for lack of a better word, sucked  because it was said all the time but not appropriate in my opinion for children to say. But my kids knew not to use it in any arena that would ultimately get them in trouble or more importantly make me look bad. 
But there was this one time.....(surprised?) my youngest  at about age 4 came home from playing at a friend's house. It was earlier than I expected but she assured me that her friend 's family were having an early dinner...hmmmm?   Right on the heels of my little darling was the mom of the supposed early diners....She was kind of laughing and told me that she had to send her home because she was jumping on the bed (ok....not the best behavior -but being sent home seemed a bit little harsh) and oh yeah ,she was singing a little song that she  obviously wrote called fuck shit....cuuuute.  I apologized and since it was during Lent I assured her she didn't hear it from me ...recently.  In the mean time my other two children scattered like rats on the Titanic.   Embarrassed a little...Amused... a lot.  
And I can't leave my son out of this ...he didn't curse ( or never got caught and I know he was behind that fuckshit song) but the innocent minds at work always made for great memories.
Our family went to African Lion Safari which is that thing where you drive your car through a zoo with out cages and monkeys tear of your car antennae and big cats lay around like they would in the jungle even though we are an hour out of Toronto, Canada....you get the picture.  Well here we are driving around and in our window we see a gi-freaking-normous giraffe head...Holy shit!  That's one big ass giraffe head is what I thought but did not say ( I was learning)...well my son looks at those huge giraffe eyes and says "it's a girl giraffe" because it had eye lashes....just as the words left his precious mouth...the giraffe raised its head and walk along side our car and there in our window we see gi-freaking-normous giraffe .......junk.... NOT a girl....if you get my drift or I could use my grandson's word for chocolate ...just sayin