It's Comin' on Christmas

"It's comin' on Christmas...They're cuttin' down trees..." That's the first line of the song River by Joni Mitchell.  The first 35 seconds or so of that song just gets me, it reduces me to tears EVERY time I hear it.  It's a haunting kind of song which has nothing to do with how I feel about Christmas.  I love the song but I LOVE Christmas.  I find it so funny because some of the shittiest events occurred during the Christmas season, but I still adore the whole bustling, stressful, shopping, when the hell am I going to have time to make cookies, wrap the damn gift in the car, family, friends and food of it all!
This week marked the year anniversary of my husband's cancer surgery. This time last year we weren't sure if that Christmas would be his last, or would there be chemo in our future or who knows what?  Well, as many know, it was a very Merry Christmas last year as the cancer was caught in time. Little did I know there would be chemo in our future as my mom is struggling with the same awful disease and the same questions of "lasts" nag at me once again. 
We shop, we wrap, we cook, we bake....it's comin of Christmas!
Eleven years ago, this time of year, again, we lost my sister-in-law.  It was a couple days before Christmas when we drove down to say good bye to her and early the next morning, she was gone.  It was tough, but we cooked, we ate, we wrapped, we opened, we shopped but this time for the pink shirts we were all to wear at her funeral. It didn't seem like Christmas too much that year, but I have a little gingerbread ornament hanging in my kitchen with an August date  on it from when we DID celebrated Christmas that year. We baked, we gathered, we decorated ...it was hot, but it was her Christmas!
Holy shit though...I still love Christmas.  After all is said and done, you look back on all the Christmases and some are better than others.  Some years are just a blur of trying to get the kids asleep and trying to stay awake in order to make sure it looked like"Santa was here" and God help us if the cookies we left for him aren't gone. There were many a Christmas morning when I shoved those cookies in my mouth before the kids noticed.  Come to think of it, I have started many mornings like that, Christmas or not.  But as my children grew up, the mornings are not quite the same, yet I still feel compelled to make sure it looks like "Santa was here". This very well maybe the last year for that. as plans of moving out and buying houses are the conversations these days.  Nope, doesn't matter.... still love Christmas.

There was one Christmas in particular that stands out in my mind.  It was 24 years ago this week and we got a great present that year. A beautiful baby girl.  Her due date was December 25 but because of  having to have a C-section, we picked that date 12/12.  That would get me home in plenty of time.  I had already shopped, wrapped and baked  knowing that I would be a little busier that usual that year. I was then reminded of my one of my grandmother's favorite saying "you make plans and God laughs"  Well he must have been hysterical because my plans went horribly  awry. 
Thanks to the same wonderful God, my baby girl was healthy and dare I say perfect!  It was me that was not so perfect it seemed. The frightening part was no one knew why. Doctors would come in scratch their heads and send me for tests. There was one doctor in particular with no bedside manner...I believe his name was Dr. Fucking Asshole and he said very sarcastically "get a tree in here she ain't going anywhere".  I wanted to go home -I couldn't miss Christmas...who would remember to eat the cookies?  Who would write Merry  Christmas  Love  Santa on the black board easel Santa was bringing? Who would fill the stockings ?
About a week and a half later, my baby went home with out me while  I had an additional surgery to un-obstruct my bowel. Then there was my gig in ICU for an very scary heart issue. I didn't think I would ever see another Christmas but my biggest fear was that my precious baby girl would always feel responsible if anything ever happened to me.  I WOULD NOT let that be the case. I will spare the gory details (and they are pret-tay pret-tay  gory) and just say that very early Christmas morning I was in a regular room with a monitor on my heart and a phone on my ear.
 "don't forget to write Merry Christmas  on the board and eat those cookies and take a bite out of the carrot you had better left for the reindeer" I met  my entire family, IV pole and all, at the elevator. I'll never forget the looks on their beautiful faces when the doors opened. I did something I never thought I would do again....I kissed and hugged my kids and held my 13 day old baby that I hadn't seen or held for what seemed like an eternity. We spent Christmas day in the visitor waiting room of the hospital that year and it was GREAT. Since then I really try to not stress about the holiday. If I can have a baby, two surgeries and a heart problem and still pull off a  great Christmas....what is there to stress about.
 I know I didn't do it alone.  Somebody up there likes...no, loves me! That I know, but I also think a certain jolly ol' man helped me out as well.  I really do believe that is a spirit that gets us through these days.
Yes ....I believe in Santa Claus.  Now I found out recently that I was never taken to see Santa as a little girl. Yeah...I couldn't believe it either.  I never got a clear cut answer exacty why only that my sister and brother did.....more middle child bullshit I guess!   But now I think it is very clear why I love Christmas.....my friends...
I have Santa Issues. 
Yes, I will dress up in festive clothes at holiday parties and act like a Ho Ho Ho ....all because I never saw Santa.
I will  secretly watch  Christmas porn, you know Rudolph, the Grinch and Charlie Brown Christmas all by myself....no grandson around...just me
I have flashing lights in my house and drink eggnog and peppermint schnapps to access..
I am addicted to the white stuff...powdered sugar
I deck too many halls...
I make sure every one feels merry (wink wink)
My favorite reindeer...Vixen
I clearly have Santa issues.... When I watch Mad Men, sure I love Don Draper, but there is something about that Roger Sterling, ....could it be the white hair...
Coincidence,  I think not. 
So I wish my loyal blog readers a very  Happy Holiday season....a  Merry Merry Christmas. I hope this made you take the time away from your baking and wrapping and shopping and stressing to appreciate everything you have and cherish the memories you make at this beautiful time of year, good, bad or otherwise. Hug your family, have another cookie, and go ahead, buy yourself a present too. Listen to that Joni Mitchell song and get a little teary like I do and then put on Christmas Vacation and watch Chevy Chase whip down that hill on that sled and laugh your ass off...I do EVERY time....just sayin.