During my Christmas break, in between the last minute shopping, the eating, the decorating, the eating, the cooking and the eating and the family gatherings which consisted of, you guessed it, I sat down and watched a documentary on Stephen Sondheim. I love him and usually when I hear a song from a musical that I really adore, it's by Stephen Sondheim. I didn't realize how many musicals he wrote the lyrics for- including "Gypsy", which is the musical I chose for this summer's production. The title of this first blog of 2014 comes the musical "Follies" by my friend Stephen. It's a song about endurance called "I'm Still Here" and that particular line just slapped me in the face as I was sitting on my couch....eating.
I know that everyone looks back at their year and says either "what a good year" or "well, that sucked." As usual, I fell somewhere in between as that same song calls "good times and bum times". That sounds about right. We started last year with good new - an all clear/no cancer from the doctor and it seemed like it will be business as usual. Doesn't everyone have to sweat out two PET SCANs per year when you walk around all day with your heart beating a mile a minute until you get the results? It is horrifying and reassuring at the same time. It's a part of my NEW NORMAL. The only way I can describe my New Normal is that I have taken up residency just outside of my comfort zone. The events of last year set me up in this nice little neighborhood on the corner of Awkward and Anxious and it looks like I'm staying.
When my job of 20 odd years ended last year, my colleagues and I were scattered through the district and placed in new schools. I was one of the "lucky" ones that was put in a completely new job. We all agreed the awkwardness of "where's this" "where's that" and "how do you do it at this school" and most importantly "where's the lunch room" (and bathroom for that matter) took a while to get over. On top of that I had to learn a whole new job with a whole new set of responsibilities and tasks that would have been a dream...maybe ten years ago or at the very least if it were my choice to leave my nice little job in Comfortville.
Well it wasn't so what the hell, right? Was this going to defeat me ...I mean have I ever turned down a challenge.
Did I turn down that Buff State frat boy's challenge to beer chugging contest?....No
Did I win?....No
Did excuse myself and throw up in the ladies room?....You bet I did.
So here it is years later and I am asked once again to a prove myself as someone who is up to the challenge.
Did I accept it? ....Yes
Am I doing okay?....I think so.
Did I thrown up in the ladies room? No, because I wasn't sure where it was.
That's a part of my New Normal and pretty soon it will just be normal, I hope.
It is unfortunate that I have to say I had to put my ailing 15 year old dog to sleep this past week and I am truly devastated. We had her since she was just six weeks old. We all piled into the car and drove out to East Shitville (this was before GPS) and rescued her from this disgusting trailer where they must have been burning a dog poop scented candle. It was so gross! It was a "go wait in the car kids" type of place where "lady" handed us the dog's AKC papers (for real?) carefully as to not burn them with her lit cigarette that she never put down once. So we took our little Cosette home, fleas and all which I am positive she caught from that lady. She was our lovely little pet until about 6 months ago or so when she just wasn't anymore. I read so much on the subject of when do you know it's time, and they all said essentially the same thing, : when they are not enjoying their life as a dog- it's already too late. The "soul went out of her eyes" was a phrase that stuck with me. So we started this new year with the actually not so tough decision of letting her sleep.... So my New Normal does not include my Cosette.
Last year was filled with caring for an ailing dog as well as an ailing Mom (please know that not at all do I mean to suggest they are on the same level but someday I will talk about the similarities,) Since August, my life consisted of hospital visits and chemo and the feeling that we are all one doctor appointment away from a life altering situation. But you get through it and her exhaustion and dizziness and wigs and how she has no eye lashes. well that's part of conversation in the New Normal.
I am also now preparing my self for an empty nest situation as my remaining kids that are home are moving out into a house my daughter purchased and I am okay with that.....no my jaws aren't clenched....that's how I always talk. But seriously, its a great thing and I am elated...it's time! None of my kids went away to college so I never had to deal with the separation. I provided the dorm life experience though ....drunk the most of the time, staying up late watching dumb movies, eating Ramen Noodles, gaining the Freshman 15....but enough about me.
Scary is it is...it will be the first time in a lot of years that it will be just me and him. Scary because we are kind of different people in the New Normal. I now sweat when it is -10 degrees outside. I can heat up leftovers with some of my hot flashes and fall asleep if I am sitting still for more than 5 minutes aaaand that's my normal now. It is also the normal of most of my friends which we laughed about the other day at our breakfast/lunch /are they ever going stop laughing and leave. As usual, after meeting with true friends, I leave feeling totally empowered as well as exhausted from laughing.
New Normal is where I feel like I handle things with a new outlook, I wouldn't call it maturity, anyone who knows me wouldn't call it maturity either. I was told one time I am like a kidadult ...one word .
I guess it's life experience and that the only thing you can count on is change. Sometimes bad but you know what, sometimes good.
In this New Normal I decided to give up my restaurant job for the time being to better handle my crazy schedule of work and family and musicals. For the first time in many years I won't have change for a fifty in my purse or "stripper money" as my daughter used to refer to it in front of the grocery store check out people thank you very much.
So I got through all of last year's trials and tribulations and the eminent changes I could see coming. But I am, as always, optimistic....how can you be anything but optimistic in January
Let's get back to Mr. Sondheim, who I will get to know quite well as "everything comes up roses" this summer. From that documentary I learned that he also wrote the lyrics for my favorite musical "West Side Story", I did not know that! To quote him again ( because everything goes back to musicals....do you not know that by now)
Could it be? Yes it could.
Something's coming, something good,
If I can wait!
I love it...of course that whole show ends up just horribly but that's besides the point. What an uplifting song though and I urge you to listen to it and you will feel the power... the feeling that "there's miracle due." It is so amazing to me that someone wrote that song (duh Stephen Sondheim) over 50 years ago and today it is relevant to me and I hope for some of you too. It's a great song with hope and promise, but alas it is sung by Tony, a Jet and with my skin tone and black hair...I would have totally been a Shark....just sayin'
No comments:
Post a Comment