A Dream is a Wish Your Heart Makes.....

When I was trying to think of a title for the blog accounting our family vacation to the happiest place on earth ...I decided on a song lyric ..... a magical one to boot.  Let me explain and please know although being a lifelong Disney fan...I did not drink the Mouse-Ade...I admit to getting a bit teary eyed when I saw Cinderellas castle and I wore mouse ears and shirts with Mickey, horribly distorted by my Bobbitt Bobbitt Boobs! But I guarantee you...I get it....it's a real cool place, but something happens to people when they step office that monorail! More about that later!
The dream or wish referred to in the title is the one where I go to Disney with my little family!  Back about 25+ years ago when my oldest started school, my little bubble of normalcy burst...EVERYONE went to Disney!! They went on break...they went on non breaks, pulling their kids out of school...they went three/four times a year!! What the fuck???  How is everyone affording these trips???  I mean, we just had our third child and I was babysitting other kids from my home and my husband's job in the printing business was already starting to feel the effect of the digital future...so what gives???
Whatever...we took our kids to the ocean...rented cottages, saw broadway shows and yes, we even summered with friends/family in the Hamptons (it was only a couple days but it was in the summer!!). We were more than okay with that...after a while, we prided ourselves on the fact that we didn't become THOSE people. But alas, the thought of Dumbo's mom cuddling baby Dumbo with her trunk( hang on...I need a moment...that scene gets me everytime) I mean  she was chained up and still put her needs last...she was a good mom despite whatever those other jealous elephant moms thought.... was I as good a mom as Dumbo's mom ????   Um...ANYway...I'm trying to say we vacstioned the best way we could and as years went on....summer musicals took up the bulk of our summers and sports, the rest. This year was no different... after our very successful and awesome production of Footloose...(the show which I didn't want to really do but turned out to be my favorite and the one where we all felt..."hey we are pretty good at this") we took off...literally.  Now I am not a great flyer....I used to have to get all "Judy Garland-ed" up (that's an outdated reference but who would it be now ... Lindsay Lohan ? ....at least Judy was sort of classy about her addictions)  Not this time...this  I did it sober AND I got a few ideas Mr. Big Ol Jet Airliners. FIRST..Lower your damn  prices and maybe offer for some complimentary deodorant along with those funky blue potato chips (I get it...JetBLUE) Also...the rule should be if you don't have stuff in the overhead bins....you get to go first... This way all you overhead bin users can fight it out with out us and spare us the hunched over wait. (I noticed others hunched....I stand up with no problem in that little seat compartment!!). Unless of course you have a kid or two with you....then you go before everyone! I wasn't traveling with my babies,  but I have and people are rude and ridiculous when traveling  (see a blog about 6 years ago when Cooper and I went to NY by train....same shit...different transport)  Relax everyone, except  for the young girl who was afraid she was going to miss her flight because of a delay...I hear you talking, you're all going on vacation like me...so chill. I was super anxious and claustrophobic....plus I flew over the east coast with a full bladder....C'mon folk...."Look around look around ...how lucky we are to be alive right now" Yeah so, I listened to Hamilton the whole time.... Actually that lyric could've been my blog title.  At one point during the week..I did just that ....I looked around!  I saw my whole little family all grown up with lives and dreams of their own all together, celebrating the engagement of my baby girl (many blogs to come on that subject)Amazing.... I got to see Disney through the eyes of not just my children, but my grandchildren...how lucky I am to be alive right now!  We have had a few scary, sad, cancer and surgery filled years. ("No matter how your heart is grieving.... if you keep on believing...) I don't say I earned it, people go through TONS more than us... but I can say it was  that much sweeter because of it all.  My Goombadi told me "I was a very rich woman"....I do believe that's true.(save the $100+ spent on family mouse ears. C'mon...the bride and groom ones though) You know I have always felt rich..."lucky" (if you are Lin-Manuel Miranda) "blessed" ( if you area hashtagger on social media) or just plain fortunate!!!  Sure, I slip up now and then, mostly because of work shit..which is shit right now...but I don't need to find ZuZus pedals ala George Bailey (Merry Christmas Bedford Falls) to realize it.
So we made it to Disney....Final!y....and I got a few ideas about that too....how about some complimenatery phone charging stations...and that deodarant thing again!! . Oh my goodness the lines ....the waits.....the horror....it wasn't even that crowded I was told...being the middle of August.-but holy shit!!! How about tthe whole fast pass thing...my husband could not grasp the concept of it until I said it's like when you call ahead at Red Lobster.  Ahhhh !!! It was like Tinker Bell  hit his head with her magic wand!  Actually, we really never waited for more than 45 minutes which is a life time to a six and almost two year old and I have to admit that when we did get a fastpass...I was all "Suck it Losers". Also, what's with all  the scooters...I walked my 56 year old fat ass around the Magic Kingdom and Epcot where I also drank my weight in beers from around the world (plus a shot of limoncello from my homeland of Italy) I must say,too  if you are with child in a wheelchair...automatic fastpass...unless you are paying people with disabilities to get your healthy self through, which I heard is sometimes done...then you can take the fastpass straight to hell with Creuella DeVil, Captain Hook and all the other villians.   Finally....get your own Disney GPS system...because the regular one doesn't work in your parks Walt....I mean you have a "world" & a "land" you egomaniacal, rumored Nazi sympathizer....sorry, sorry. Hakuna Matata everyone....But we were lost and recalculated and u-turned enough to make us late for breakfasdt with Chef Fucking Mickey... Our poor GPS girl! (not what I was calling her during our driving debacle.. It was "c u next toodles"...for you Mickey Mouse clubhouse fans). We are driving though Georgia and she is still trying to get us to West Buena Vista Drive ! "I can still get you there guys...honest...just one more turn...guys???" But she got us to Charleston's to stay at my aunt and uncle's place for the relaxation part if our vacation!!  Now we are back and  we will be planning a wedding and you are all welcomed to come along on that journey!!! That brings us back full circle to my blog title...to see your children's dream come true is almost too much for this old girl's heart to handle. You see, I always felt my career was motherhood ...sorry Hillary... I support you to the end, but I was never that ambitious. But I wanted to raise the kind of people that let people ahead of them in Disney crazed lines. They do good and meaningful things on a daily basis! I couldn't be prouder of them. When all the chicks are back in their nests (which are all pretty close to then hen house)we will go on to our lives and hi ho hi ho...back to work we go (ugh..in my case, my job has been messed with yet again....retirement I hear you a callin') until the next adventure that is....We will all move on to have other dreams and wishes....but for me, a dream came true... it took few years but... Zipadee do dah Zipadee ay..everybody paid their own way....just sayin'

MJust Sayin: An Unfinished Life

MJust Sayin: An Unfinished Life: I have been thinking about life lately.  Maybe because eveyone's lives are shared so openly on Facebook and the like-mine included. I me...

An Unfinished Life

I have been thinking about life lately.  Maybe because eveyone's lives are shared so openly on Facebook and the like-mine included. I mean it was just my birthday month and all. I have been thinking how some people have horrible lives- because of circumstance or because of their own doing.  Some people seem to have charmed lives...never a blip or a bump- and SEEM is the key word there. If you look at social media it ranges from look at me on vacation... again to oh woe is me-there's a lot of "Eeyores" out there- whatever the case... everyone is eating delicious looking food !!!

It's been a year since I lost my mom.  Maybe that's what got me thinking- a year-like life, has a beginning - middle and end. Last year at this time (the beginning) I was wondering how I was going to maneuver through this year..."the year of firsts".  I was a little anxious to say the least.  Once the year progressed (the middle), it was okay- there were ups and downs-sadness that came out of no where and joy when I felt that she was all around us (butterflies sightings, certain songs and happy coincidence). Then when it neared the anniversary-panic set in.  I think because I didn't know what to expect (the end).  But it was all fine.  We made through the year of firsts -Everyone tell me it gets easier but I don't see it getting easier- but I think it becomes part of your everyday- your new normal. That is just my take on it and it's my blog so shut up.

All too recently -there have been too many wakes in my little world. The last few have been super sad- punched in the gut sad. The latest one was a young  guy- friend of my daughter's and ours-It was drugs, I hear.  So hard to process sad .  We went to the wake and there were the obligatory poster boards of pictures. Now when we were preparing for my mom's wake- we had boxes of her photos- from black and whites-to amber colored  1970's Polaroids to computer generated prints from people's phones.   Technologically- Beginning Middle End.

 I looked at this poor boy's posters and thought- beginning...only beginning.  This is an unfinished life.  

I have been to too many young wakes this year....very young - like kid young - to my age young- unfinished lives.  Some more unfinished than others.  Some lives are taken due to illness-mental/physical-some due to accidents- always unanswered and confusing- I don't know.  That's just it, I guess you don't know.  You can't sit around a worry about it, unless you are Sicilian- then it comes with the territory.   I told someone that being Sicilian is a part time job.  The worry- the food obsessions- the death obsession...the hard gestures- it's all very time consuming. 

In my many thoughts about  the end...I have a few things that I want to put out there- 

Cremated- I want to be cremated. I don't need a bunch of people judging me and how I look in that coffin- and I certainly don't want to go through eternity wearing a freaking  bra- fuck that- cremate me sprinkle my ashes in the ocean as close to Asbury Park as possible- or right on Bruce Springsteen's front lawn- oh hel,l sprinkle me right on Bruce Springsteen!

Open Bar- Is it wrong to have an open bar at a wake- I think it would ease the tension and relax everyone-Maybe even a signature cocktail- a Gaga Colada or something-  I bet more people would come too!  Which leads me to my next requests

Separate Cars-  I saw a funeral procession the other day and it was the hearse- and then like four cars- No Way!!! - I want the people waiting at a green light at an intersection to say "Wow -Who the hell died??? Must have been pretty popular!"

Music- We played Frank Sinatra at my mom's wake at her request- I guess I would go with the obvious Springsteen choice- (how funny to hear  Rosalita in the middle of a wake)- but I think I would needs some show!  tunes!  people!!!!  Specific show tunes;

For Good - from Wicked (of course)

Memory- from Cats (obviously)

So Long, Dearie from Hello Dolly

One Day More- from Les Miz

Good Bye Old Girl- from Damn Yankees

Don't Rain on My Parade (funeral procession) -from Funny Girl

Last Night of the World - from Miss Saigon

The Party's Over- from The Bells are Ringing

Always Look on the Bright Side of Life -from Spamalot

So Long, Farewell- from Sound of Music

Dance 10 Looks 3- from Chorus Line ( you musical nerds will know why)

And I am Telling You- I'm Not Going -from Dreamgirls

To name a few....

I'm not being disrespectful- those who know me and have been reading my thoughts theses past years know it's all about the sense of humor- how do you get by with out it?   I do know that death and dying and illness is no laughing matter- when my precious granddaughter was in surgery-nothing was was funny,  I would look at other people and think - what are you smiling about? - until she was out of surgery & out of the hospital ...and everything was worth smiling about.  Even more so because the outcome could have been so different and now she smiles more that anyone I know. These days, she is the source of most of my smiles and laughter- along with her brother- the loves of my life!

So my advice to you is, if you can- find the loves of your life- whether it person, place or thing. Hang on to it and enjoy life!  You just don't know when your ending will be.  So be kind to people- be kind to yourself.  

I like to think I will look back and say, I'm really glad I did  _______ !(fill in the blank with something that seemed really stupid at the time) For example:  When I payed way too much to see the aforementioned Bruce Springsteen twice in three days-Once should have been enough (yeah right- I'm on concert #17) .So I went to that second show- I didn't know that I would get the chance to see him close up after that show as he was leaving the arena.  By close up- I mean rushing his car like an teenager obsessed  to the sound of the police saying "you need to move back... Please ma'am stay on the side walk" ...Ma'am???- aren't I 18 years old...and.the answer to that came the next day -um  "NO"- my ass was tiiii-red, but I will never regret that night. There are so many other unregrettable things and hopefully many things to come! So as the old show tune says "forget regret- or life is yours to miss".  No Day But Today, baby.  So say yes to that invite- even if you are on the couch, all comfy. Even I am thinking of changing my Bra Off Policy- ( once I've "released the hounds' there's no going out) There are a precious few of you that I have revoked the policy for- but not many!!!  I think I will re- think things and put that baby back and go out if the opportunity arises.  Especially because the Ol' DD have been coming off earlier and earlier these day. Finish your life each day- make each day count- even if it is a little thing that made you happy or even better- someone else happy.  Make that goal -fill your life with good- Good People- Good Food - Good Times!!!  I have never been a Bucket List person unless that bucket is full of delicious KFC- but I do get it!  I am sort of opposite- I kind of do things and add it to my list- kind of a FUCK-IT List.  I can't afford this- I really shouldn't ....Fuck It- I did it...and I didn't get arrested  ...just sayin' 

MJust Sayin: Say You Want a Resolution

MJust Sayin: Say You Want a Resolution: Well here it is the February  already and so far so good with  resolutions. Mainly because I really didn’t make any. Well that’s not entire...

Say You Want a Resolution

Well here it is the February  already and so far so good with  resolutions. Mainly because I really didn’t make any. Well that’s not entirely true. In other years  about  one o’clock on New Year’s  Day I’ve said the statement “ Fuck it – I’m not going to the gym, I’m going to eat the rest of these Christmas cookies, polish off this Bailey’s and judge other people.” Boom!!!  All the resolutions -done!

This year I decided to give myself a little break.  If you have been following my adventures –the last three years have been a bit…trying.  So I have made the following resolutions:

I will NOT cut down on my swearing.  I have decided swearing is good for the soul.  It helps when you’re driving and some FuckAss © doesn’t know how to drive in one inch of snow- using some profanity eases the pain.  The whole idea of Fuck it- is such a freeing thought.  Examples?  Sure-

I didn’t take anything out for dinner- fuck it, let’s go out

These jeans don’t fit like they used to- fuck it I’m wearing yoga pants

I should really go to bed- fuck it, one more episode of House of Cards (or insert any binge-able show)

I will not burn the garlic bread.  I have yet to make garlic bread without sounding the smoke alarms.  We have hence renamed it “Oh Shit Garlic Bread”  (See above ) and the beeping begins and the lady (who is this lady?) says” evacuate -evacuate”—seriously…it’s garlic bread not plutonium.

I will DVR everything I watch- I don’t know what has happened to me lately – but I fall asleep  approximately  48 minutes into any program I watch.  If it’s a movie, I miss usually the most pivotal part of the movie and wake up saying…wait? What? Rewind...."wow I missed a lot"

If it’s a 60 minute drama – I miss the entire ending and then try to figure out how this completely different show fits into the one I was originally watching 

So now I DVR everything and yes that means FINAL JEPORADY

I will not panic about the fact that I fall asleep so suddenly

I will visit the ladies’ room before going anywhere -This is another new phenomenon in my life. I am now those ladies in commercials I used to laugh at.  Oh, the eye rolls I gave my mom when she would say “I better go or I’ll never make it”.  Make what? I used to think ...now I know – You’ll never make the Olympic Dry Pants team.  Holy shit – this is real and I have the embarrassing stories/laundry to prove it. And for the record – Holy shit is just a phrase- I am not ready for the “Oops I crapped my pants” ….yet

I will not panic about my lack of bladder control/ nor will I share “wet my pants” stories

If I want to do something-I’m doing it – Why are you seeing Springsteen again –haven’t you seen him 15 times?  Why are you going to two Springsteen concert in three days. – My anwer to that is why not...well actually "fuck it,why not?" Seriously, the days of the two concerts fall on the year anniversary of my granddaughter’s open heart surgery.  (I still get the chills at that phrase).  I spent four days in Rochester, last year watching what turned out to be the miracle of her recovery, knowing that back home – my mom was being admitted to the hospital.  What I didn’t know was she would never make it home from that hospital ….So, yeah- I can give my Bruce 2 days.

I will allow myself to cry- Something happened to me since my last blog.  I don’t know if it was the holidays or the hormones but I cannot STOP crying.  Hang on–it’s not a bad thing.  I mean, I’m not sad- but when I am-the flood gates open….also when I’m happy, hear a song, see an old friend, enjoy a good meal, try on pants that fit and anytime the babies do something adorable which is um…all the time- I tear up! I tear up and it feels good damn it!  I am not going to retract the blog – I still don’t do sadness – but when I do- a good cry is welcomed almost deserved – kind of like, it’s my menopause and I’ll cry if I want to.

I will preface all my judging with “not to judge but….” Okay, I am a Judgy McJudgster.   I even judged myself for using that stupid Blanky Mc Blankster phase. There is nothing like a good session of ragging on people with the gals- “She’s starting to look old” (well, ya…me too) “She put on some pounds” (ditto)- Of course it’s not nice – and I fully expect  /give permission to others to judge me.( hence the italic, bolded words in parenthesis). I don't do it to be mean...usually it's for a laugh...but-                                                                                                                             

I will openly judge those who 1) do not do their job- from the lady at Citibank mortgage company who said I skipped a mortgage payment when it is automatically taken out of my account BY THEM twice a month to the ever torturing Tim Horton’s employee who just can’t seem to get a handle on medium black dark roast to go. Do your fucking job- I do mine. Yes we all make mistakes – but if your job is pouring coffee, keeping tabs on my money, mailing out my Amazon order, fixing the copier, answering phone calls or again,  pouring coffee (yes it’s that important) DO YOUR FUCKING JOB! 

 I will also openly judge you if 2) you are deliberately mean to others.  Even when you don’t do you job- I will not be mean to you- I’ve been known to be somewhat sarcastic (pausing for your sarcastic remark) - but I won’t be mean – unless you are mean first – then it’s on Bitch! -  I am amazed at people who are outwardly nasty- we have all had that “day from fuck”© – but that doesn’t give anyone the right to be disrespectful and rude, now does it?   A tragedy occurred recently that I can’t even talk about yet because I’m still processing it. There is a big part of me that feels if you are good to your fellow human being-some of these awful things maybe won’t happen.  I guess it’s naïve- bad things are bound to happen to people – but it’s certainly worth a try.  Not to sound like a Facebook Meme- but what does it cost to smile or share a nice word.  A compliment (not a back handed one either) and a thank you goes a hell of a long way- it does with me anyway. So let’s play nice!  

Lastly I will openly judge you if you 3) tell me how bad this potato chip/cookie/ chicken wing/chocolate covered anything is for me. Shut up!!! And for the record…no one wants to know how far you ran either. I don’t tell you how many mini crescent roll hot dogs I’ve eaten-nor do I put it on a bumper sticker-I just proudly own it – mostly around my big ass.

I will throw out my old…. Oh just fill in the blank- Throw out my old make-up- when your eyeliner or lipstick hurts to apply –it’s time for a new one…Throw out …old nail polish- good Lord- it’s like 99 cents if you’re desperate for a new color, that glop of goo that doesn’t even spread with that loooong stringy residue-yeah toss it …it was an impulse sparkly teal color choice anyway.  Throw out….old bills and junk mail Did you know  that if you keep it on your table too long- it multiplies- for reals   well it must...that’s the only explanation I could think of! I don't need to keep bills  or the "this is not a bill" ones or any other piece of paper I can easily get online. Plus, if my maiden name is on it...it's gone!. Throw out ….leftovers – now that it’s February –that cranberry sauce in the cool whip container can GO!!!   No one is going to eat one half eaten pork chop and some sad looking corn that was semi covered with Saran Wrap….at least I think that’s what is was.   Throw out old hard feelings and hurt- don’t hang on to the negative –This is a tough one- I forgive but I don’t always forget. Unless you can laugh at it or maybe dare I say learn from it, just pull an Elsa and let it go- or better yet, judge it and move on.

So there you have it a whole bunch of resolutions that I think I can actually keep! So Dear 2016,  I will be swearing, eating not burnt garlic bread with fresh make up on judging away- hopefully wide awake with dry pants- Sincerely yours- Bloggy McBlogster -ps. no judgments....just sayin’

MJust Sayin: I Don't Do Sadness

MJust Sayin: I Don't Do Sadness: I was going to title this  “If you’re happy and you know it”.  Only because that is the latest adorable thing that my granddaughter does.  ...

I Don't Do Sadness

I was going to title this  “If you’re happy and you know it”.  Only because that is the latest adorable thing that my granddaughter does.   She claps her hands – she stomps her feet – she puts her arms up for the “hurray”.  Honestly, it is the cutest thing ev-er!.  It makes me happy and I know it.  But the title I chose is from (surprise surprise) a Broadway show- Spring Awakening- one of my favorites.  The verse goes- I don’t do sadness Not even a little bit Just don’t need it in my life Don’t want any part of it I don’t do sadness ,

I realized I don’t do sadness ...not very well- I know that some people do- some people love to wallow.  I do not wallow.  I am not a wallow-er.  I like to be happy –I want to be happy- all the time, every day and I don’t think that is at all unreasonable. Do you? I am not good at being sad.  I think I make people very uncomfortable when I am down for the count.  Maybe because I am not comfortable with that feeling. I don't do it well- I was told I don't cry when I'm supposed to- Great! so now I am an inappropriate crier along with being with an inappropriate laugher!

This whole stupid thing started when I was sitting on my couch, minding my own business I might add, watching the Tree Lighting Ceremony  at Rockefeller Plaza.  I was reading or texting or playing a game, you know watching tv and when I looked up, the tree was lit. Then the music blared Joy to the World – I think  it was.  Boom!   I was reduced to a sobbing mess.  But the thing that struck me was  - and I think I said it to my dog Finn, “Am I happy or am I sad?” 

I know that this time of year is bittersweet and melancholy, but this felt different.  I can’t explain it and Finn was no help at all.  It’s the holidays, I suppose and this year is a strange one for me and my family.  It is the first holiday season without my mom. It is the first holiday season with a healthy baby girl.  You see my problem?

November 15th – my mom’s birthday always kicked off  FFFF ... frequent forced family fun time …every two weeks there is a birthday or a holiday – by the time the New Year rolls around we add another "F " to the phrase.   I love my family dearly, don’t get me wrong, but we can all use some sort psychiatric help…myself included!   So Mom's birthday came and went all right.  In her honor, we went to church and breakfast (her favorite). It was something we haven't done in a while. But it was the night before that threw me. The night before, I was in my living room and I felt as if I was getting sick- you know that weird throat closing up feeling.  It was strange because it really felt like I was around cigarette smoke.  You know when you walk out of a place and into a huddle of people puffing away and it's like  BAM! emphysema ...thanks a lot everyone!

I wondered, had the windows  been open due to unseasonably warm weather? Maybe that was where it was coming from.  I went into the bathroom where my husband’s Casino clothes were hanging- that must be it- those people are like chimneys.   Nope!  Then I remember hearing that aromas and scents are ways "people" make contact.  Then when her picture fell off the wall- it was confirmed- Happy Birthday Mom!  Nice of you to visit from the smoking section of Heaven!

On a couple separate occasions, my kids have said they have noticed the smell of meatballs and sauce- out of no where and it’s comforting to them- as it was to me!  I would have preferred the meatballs to Smokin’ Joe's,  but there was no doubt in my mind she was in the living room with me.  It didn’t make me sad- I don’t think happy is the word- but everything felt alright with the world that night!

This year, Thanksgiving was good- a little too busy and hectic to feel sad. We remembered last Thanksgiving when she hardly ate and seemed like she couldn’t wait to leave. Last year, our baby girl slept most of the day and was so fragile ( the next week she would wind up in the hospital with heart failure) . So yeah, this year was a good - we were together – we ate and drank and drank – It was almost perfect. No sadness- gratefulness- no sadness.

Next up- my Dad’s birthday, and for some reason that made me sadder than anything.  My dad is a no fuss for birthdays kind of guy- a concept so foreign to this girl who celebrates her birthday month starting MARCH 1^st- right up until the 31^st.  Easter sometimes falls in there somewhere-like next year- yeah, whatever Jesus understands- He gets it- He gave me the March 31st birthday....He knows. I was actually  supposed to be born April 7^th (more about this later). But enough about MY birthday.   My dad's birthday went a little something like this- "I want nothing for my birthday...nothing! - no presents- no cake – no cards- no visits- nah-thing"…and I’m quoting!  I think this has always been his wish every year but this year it was just underscored with grief.  Against his wishes I called him that morning – just to say “hey”…asked him if he needed anything …hung up and cried like a fucking baby.  Whaaaaa?   No cry-ie for Mom’s birthday but full out ugly cry for Dad. But I don’t do sadness! (If you know the tune- it would be appropriate to sing that line right now).

So through these days of no sadness, I have been watching (to access) the movie Inside Out with my babies.  This makes me soooo happy- and I know it!  The movie is awesome and it is so nice to have the kids there so I can have an excuse to watch cartoons – not that I need one.  My love for cartoons with or without kids around has been a topic of discussion!  This movie though (if you haven't seen it - you should) follows the emotions of a little girl – joy, sadness, fear, disgust and anger- yep that just about covers it!  Honestly I was amazed how much it affected me- I totally related to it: JOY (my family & friends) SADNESS (my loss) FEAR (our world) DISGUST (our world) ANGER (our world)- but something was missing.  I know...a big, bloated, sweaty emotion with that one fucking hair that keeps growing back…the hormoney one who has to unbutton her pants half way through the movie.  The one looking for something sweet... no salty... no sweet to eat….. opening all the windows  and running to the nearest ladies room…in the background -all the other little emotions screaming- she’s gonna kill us alllllll!  The more I thought about it I realized it would be a horror movie than a cartoon ...10 times scarier than The Excorcist.(maybe not...I'm still scared of that)

Perhaps that’s what it is- perhaps it’s the time of my years along with the time of year. The Bi-Polar Express has rolled in to town again but this time, it doesn’t look like it’s leaving anytime soon. I can honestly say I have never been happier /sadder in my life.

Remember I mentioned my mom died on April 7^th – the day I was supposed to be born?  I’m sure there was some cosmic reason why that was the day she decided to leave this world. I’m sure there was a cosmic reason I was not born on that day. I was born a full week before. "The first and last time you were ever early for something" she used to say.   If things had gone “as planned”- I would have a Happy Sad Birthday every year.  When she did go- it was 6 weeks or so after our granddaughter had her very successful heart surgery.  The scary surgery that all these months later enables her to eat like a champ- laugh with delight (especially when her brother walks in the room)  stomp and growl with protest – and clap her hands- when she’s happy and she knows it!  The joy of having that surgery go so well made the sadness of losing the person who loved me like no other a tad easier to take. 

I was sad and I knew it- I was mad and I knew it- but having family and friends around made me happy and I knew it. 

Now we have one more family birthday celebration- then our family will celebrate Christmas together- I’ve written before how much I love that holiday.  Last Christmas- not so much ..it was the beginning of the end but a new beginning as well. Are you seeing a pattern here?  For those scoring at home- happy wins out, right- I guess I really don't do sadness. Just an aside, my doctor informed me that if I do decide to do sadness there are some good meds out there to get me out of bed in the morning...that's reassuring -but so far, so good- 

So bring on the holiday- I will cry when I hear Silent Night and at the end of Charlie Brown Christmas, as usual. But when I hear the verse "through the years we all will be together...if the fates allow" it will hit me a little harder than usual this time around. 

I sincerely hope all of my followers (not wallowers) enjoy their holidays. I am a bit anxious about it all but actually–  I am looking forward to the time to hang with the family and friends. I know all the feels will be there…I may do sad –I may do mad – but I’m pretty positive I’ll do happy- maybe and as the song says..I’ll do all three –wouldn’t be the first time…. just sayin'

Merry Merry Everyone!