MJust Sayin: Say You Want a Resolution

MJust Sayin: Say You Want a Resolution: Well here it is the February  already and so far so good with  resolutions. Mainly because I really didn’t make any. Well that’s not entire...

Say You Want a Resolution

Well here it is the February  already and so far so good with  resolutions. Mainly because I really didn’t make any. Well that’s not entirely true. In other years  about  one o’clock on New Year’s  Day I’ve said the statement “ Fuck it – I’m not going to the gym, I’m going to eat the rest of these Christmas cookies, polish off this Bailey’s and judge other people.” Boom!!!  All the resolutions -done!

This year I decided to give myself a little break.  If you have been following my adventures –the last three years have been a bit…trying.  So I have made the following resolutions:

I will NOT cut down on my swearing.  I have decided swearing is good for the soul.  It helps when you’re driving and some FuckAss © doesn’t know how to drive in one inch of snow- using some profanity eases the pain.  The whole idea of Fuck it- is such a freeing thought.  Examples?  Sure-

I didn’t take anything out for dinner- fuck it, let’s go out

These jeans don’t fit like they used to- fuck it I’m wearing yoga pants

I should really go to bed- fuck it, one more episode of House of Cards (or insert any binge-able show)

I will not burn the garlic bread.  I have yet to make garlic bread without sounding the smoke alarms.  We have hence renamed it “Oh Shit Garlic Bread”  (See above ) and the beeping begins and the lady (who is this lady?) says” evacuate -evacuate”—seriously…it’s garlic bread not plutonium.

I will DVR everything I watch- I don’t know what has happened to me lately – but I fall asleep  approximately  48 minutes into any program I watch.  If it’s a movie, I miss usually the most pivotal part of the movie and wake up saying…wait? What? Rewind...."wow I missed a lot"

If it’s a 60 minute drama – I miss the entire ending and then try to figure out how this completely different show fits into the one I was originally watching 

So now I DVR everything and yes that means FINAL JEPORADY

I will not panic about the fact that I fall asleep so suddenly

I will visit the ladies’ room before going anywhere -This is another new phenomenon in my life. I am now those ladies in commercials I used to laugh at.  Oh, the eye rolls I gave my mom when she would say “I better go or I’ll never make it”.  Make what? I used to think ...now I know – You’ll never make the Olympic Dry Pants team.  Holy shit – this is real and I have the embarrassing stories/laundry to prove it. And for the record – Holy shit is just a phrase- I am not ready for the “Oops I crapped my pants” ….yet

I will not panic about my lack of bladder control/ nor will I share “wet my pants” stories

If I want to do something-I’m doing it – Why are you seeing Springsteen again –haven’t you seen him 15 times?  Why are you going to two Springsteen concert in three days. – My anwer to that is why not...well actually "fuck it,why not?" Seriously, the days of the two concerts fall on the year anniversary of my granddaughter’s open heart surgery.  (I still get the chills at that phrase).  I spent four days in Rochester, last year watching what turned out to be the miracle of her recovery, knowing that back home – my mom was being admitted to the hospital.  What I didn’t know was she would never make it home from that hospital ….So, yeah- I can give my Bruce 2 days.

I will allow myself to cry- Something happened to me since my last blog.  I don’t know if it was the holidays or the hormones but I cannot STOP crying.  Hang on–it’s not a bad thing.  I mean, I’m not sad- but when I am-the flood gates open….also when I’m happy, hear a song, see an old friend, enjoy a good meal, try on pants that fit and anytime the babies do something adorable which is um…all the time- I tear up! I tear up and it feels good damn it!  I am not going to retract the blog – I still don’t do sadness – but when I do- a good cry is welcomed almost deserved – kind of like, it’s my menopause and I’ll cry if I want to.

I will preface all my judging with “not to judge but….” Okay, I am a Judgy McJudgster.   I even judged myself for using that stupid Blanky Mc Blankster phase. There is nothing like a good session of ragging on people with the gals- “She’s starting to look old” (well, ya…me too) “She put on some pounds” (ditto)- Of course it’s not nice – and I fully expect  /give permission to others to judge me.( hence the italic, bolded words in parenthesis). I don't do it to be mean...usually it's for a laugh...but-                                                                                                                             

I will openly judge those who 1) do not do their job- from the lady at Citibank mortgage company who said I skipped a mortgage payment when it is automatically taken out of my account BY THEM twice a month to the ever torturing Tim Horton’s employee who just can’t seem to get a handle on medium black dark roast to go. Do your fucking job- I do mine. Yes we all make mistakes – but if your job is pouring coffee, keeping tabs on my money, mailing out my Amazon order, fixing the copier, answering phone calls or again,  pouring coffee (yes it’s that important) DO YOUR FUCKING JOB! 

 I will also openly judge you if 2) you are deliberately mean to others.  Even when you don’t do you job- I will not be mean to you- I’ve been known to be somewhat sarcastic (pausing for your sarcastic remark) - but I won’t be mean – unless you are mean first – then it’s on Bitch! -  I am amazed at people who are outwardly nasty- we have all had that “day from fuck”© – but that doesn’t give anyone the right to be disrespectful and rude, now does it?   A tragedy occurred recently that I can’t even talk about yet because I’m still processing it. There is a big part of me that feels if you are good to your fellow human being-some of these awful things maybe won’t happen.  I guess it’s naïve- bad things are bound to happen to people – but it’s certainly worth a try.  Not to sound like a Facebook Meme- but what does it cost to smile or share a nice word.  A compliment (not a back handed one either) and a thank you goes a hell of a long way- it does with me anyway. So let’s play nice!  

Lastly I will openly judge you if you 3) tell me how bad this potato chip/cookie/ chicken wing/chocolate covered anything is for me. Shut up!!! And for the record…no one wants to know how far you ran either. I don’t tell you how many mini crescent roll hot dogs I’ve eaten-nor do I put it on a bumper sticker-I just proudly own it – mostly around my big ass.

I will throw out my old…. Oh just fill in the blank- Throw out my old make-up- when your eyeliner or lipstick hurts to apply –it’s time for a new one…Throw out …old nail polish- good Lord- it’s like 99 cents if you’re desperate for a new color, that glop of goo that doesn’t even spread with that loooong stringy residue-yeah toss it …it was an impulse sparkly teal color choice anyway.  Throw out….old bills and junk mail Did you know  that if you keep it on your table too long- it multiplies- for reals   well it must...that’s the only explanation I could think of! I don't need to keep bills  or the "this is not a bill" ones or any other piece of paper I can easily get online. Plus, if my maiden name is on it...it's gone!. Throw out ….leftovers – now that it’s February –that cranberry sauce in the cool whip container can GO!!!   No one is going to eat one half eaten pork chop and some sad looking corn that was semi covered with Saran Wrap….at least I think that’s what is was.   Throw out old hard feelings and hurt- don’t hang on to the negative –This is a tough one- I forgive but I don’t always forget. Unless you can laugh at it or maybe dare I say learn from it, just pull an Elsa and let it go- or better yet, judge it and move on.

So there you have it a whole bunch of resolutions that I think I can actually keep! So Dear 2016,  I will be swearing, eating not burnt garlic bread with fresh make up on judging away- hopefully wide awake with dry pants- Sincerely yours- Bloggy McBlogster -ps. no judgments....just sayin’

MJust Sayin: I Don't Do Sadness

MJust Sayin: I Don't Do Sadness: I was going to title this  “If you’re happy and you know it”.  Only because that is the latest adorable thing that my granddaughter does.  ...

I Don't Do Sadness

I was going to title this  “If you’re happy and you know it”.  Only because that is the latest adorable thing that my granddaughter does.   She claps her hands – she stomps her feet – she puts her arms up for the “hurray”.  Honestly, it is the cutest thing ev-er!.  It makes me happy and I know it.  But the title I chose is from (surprise surprise) a Broadway show- Spring Awakening- one of my favorites.  The verse goes- I don’t do sadness Not even a little bit Just don’t need it in my life Don’t want any part of it I don’t do sadness ,

I realized I don’t do sadness ...not very well- I know that some people do- some people love to wallow.  I do not wallow.  I am not a wallow-er.  I like to be happy –I want to be happy- all the time, every day and I don’t think that is at all unreasonable. Do you? I am not good at being sad.  I think I make people very uncomfortable when I am down for the count.  Maybe because I am not comfortable with that feeling. I don't do it well- I was told I don't cry when I'm supposed to- Great! so now I am an inappropriate crier along with being with an inappropriate laugher!

This whole stupid thing started when I was sitting on my couch, minding my own business I might add, watching the Tree Lighting Ceremony  at Rockefeller Plaza.  I was reading or texting or playing a game, you know watching tv and when I looked up, the tree was lit. Then the music blared Joy to the World – I think  it was.  Boom!   I was reduced to a sobbing mess.  But the thing that struck me was  - and I think I said it to my dog Finn, “Am I happy or am I sad?” 

I know that this time of year is bittersweet and melancholy, but this felt different.  I can’t explain it and Finn was no help at all.  It’s the holidays, I suppose and this year is a strange one for me and my family.  It is the first holiday season without my mom. It is the first holiday season with a healthy baby girl.  You see my problem?

November 15th – my mom’s birthday always kicked off  FFFF ... frequent forced family fun time …every two weeks there is a birthday or a holiday – by the time the New Year rolls around we add another "F " to the phrase.   I love my family dearly, don’t get me wrong, but we can all use some sort psychiatric help…myself included!   So Mom's birthday came and went all right.  In her honor, we went to church and breakfast (her favorite). It was something we haven't done in a while. But it was the night before that threw me. The night before, I was in my living room and I felt as if I was getting sick- you know that weird throat closing up feeling.  It was strange because it really felt like I was around cigarette smoke.  You know when you walk out of a place and into a huddle of people puffing away and it's like  BAM! emphysema ...thanks a lot everyone!

I wondered, had the windows  been open due to unseasonably warm weather? Maybe that was where it was coming from.  I went into the bathroom where my husband’s Casino clothes were hanging- that must be it- those people are like chimneys.   Nope!  Then I remember hearing that aromas and scents are ways "people" make contact.  Then when her picture fell off the wall- it was confirmed- Happy Birthday Mom!  Nice of you to visit from the smoking section of Heaven!

On a couple separate occasions, my kids have said they have noticed the smell of meatballs and sauce- out of no where and it’s comforting to them- as it was to me!  I would have preferred the meatballs to Smokin’ Joe's,  but there was no doubt in my mind she was in the living room with me.  It didn’t make me sad- I don’t think happy is the word- but everything felt alright with the world that night!

This year, Thanksgiving was good- a little too busy and hectic to feel sad. We remembered last Thanksgiving when she hardly ate and seemed like she couldn’t wait to leave. Last year, our baby girl slept most of the day and was so fragile ( the next week she would wind up in the hospital with heart failure) . So yeah, this year was a good - we were together – we ate and drank and drank – It was almost perfect. No sadness- gratefulness- no sadness.

Next up- my Dad’s birthday, and for some reason that made me sadder than anything.  My dad is a no fuss for birthdays kind of guy- a concept so foreign to this girl who celebrates her birthday month starting MARCH 1^st- right up until the 31^st.  Easter sometimes falls in there somewhere-like next year- yeah, whatever Jesus understands- He gets it- He gave me the March 31st birthday....He knows. I was actually  supposed to be born April 7^th (more about this later). But enough about MY birthday.   My dad's birthday went a little something like this- "I want nothing for my birthday...nothing! - no presents- no cake – no cards- no visits- nah-thing"…and I’m quoting!  I think this has always been his wish every year but this year it was just underscored with grief.  Against his wishes I called him that morning – just to say “hey”…asked him if he needed anything …hung up and cried like a fucking baby.  Whaaaaa?   No cry-ie for Mom’s birthday but full out ugly cry for Dad. But I don’t do sadness! (If you know the tune- it would be appropriate to sing that line right now).

So through these days of no sadness, I have been watching (to access) the movie Inside Out with my babies.  This makes me soooo happy- and I know it!  The movie is awesome and it is so nice to have the kids there so I can have an excuse to watch cartoons – not that I need one.  My love for cartoons with or without kids around has been a topic of discussion!  This movie though (if you haven't seen it - you should) follows the emotions of a little girl – joy, sadness, fear, disgust and anger- yep that just about covers it!  Honestly I was amazed how much it affected me- I totally related to it: JOY (my family & friends) SADNESS (my loss) FEAR (our world) DISGUST (our world) ANGER (our world)- but something was missing.  I know...a big, bloated, sweaty emotion with that one fucking hair that keeps growing back…the hormoney one who has to unbutton her pants half way through the movie.  The one looking for something sweet... no salty... no sweet to eat….. opening all the windows  and running to the nearest ladies room…in the background -all the other little emotions screaming- she’s gonna kill us alllllll!  The more I thought about it I realized it would be a horror movie than a cartoon ...10 times scarier than The Excorcist.(maybe not...I'm still scared of that)

Perhaps that’s what it is- perhaps it’s the time of my years along with the time of year. The Bi-Polar Express has rolled in to town again but this time, it doesn’t look like it’s leaving anytime soon. I can honestly say I have never been happier /sadder in my life.

Remember I mentioned my mom died on April 7^th – the day I was supposed to be born?  I’m sure there was some cosmic reason why that was the day she decided to leave this world. I’m sure there was a cosmic reason I was not born on that day. I was born a full week before. "The first and last time you were ever early for something" she used to say.   If things had gone “as planned”- I would have a Happy Sad Birthday every year.  When she did go- it was 6 weeks or so after our granddaughter had her very successful heart surgery.  The scary surgery that all these months later enables her to eat like a champ- laugh with delight (especially when her brother walks in the room)  stomp and growl with protest – and clap her hands- when she’s happy and she knows it!  The joy of having that surgery go so well made the sadness of losing the person who loved me like no other a tad easier to take. 

I was sad and I knew it- I was mad and I knew it- but having family and friends around made me happy and I knew it. 

Now we have one more family birthday celebration- then our family will celebrate Christmas together- I’ve written before how much I love that holiday.  Last Christmas- not so much ..it was the beginning of the end but a new beginning as well. Are you seeing a pattern here?  For those scoring at home- happy wins out, right- I guess I really don't do sadness. Just an aside, my doctor informed me that if I do decide to do sadness there are some good meds out there to get me out of bed in the morning...that's reassuring -but so far, so good- 

So bring on the holiday- I will cry when I hear Silent Night and at the end of Charlie Brown Christmas, as usual. But when I hear the verse "through the years we all will be together...if the fates allow" it will hit me a little harder than usual this time around. 

I sincerely hope all of my followers (not wallowers) enjoy their holidays. I am a bit anxious about it all but actually–  I am looking forward to the time to hang with the family and friends. I know all the feels will be there…I may do sad –I may do mad – but I’m pretty positive I’ll do happy- maybe and as the song says..I’ll do all three –wouldn’t be the first time…. just sayin'

Merry Merry Everyone!

What I Learned on my Summer Vacation

I love summertime. I always have.  I got married in the summertime, had my first baby in the summertime. We officially became homeowners in the summertime. My daughter's wedding was in the summer- the same year I directed my first show! Hell, I've been involved with summer theater (in some capacity) on and off since I was 16.  I just love summer!!  Working in a school, you really do love summer- you work all year to get to it!  When I first became a school employee- a job I had no idea that I would still be in 20+ years later. I mean, it has nothing to do with my degree, other than maybe the public relations aspect and now and then I get to use the journalistic part (newsletters, but it's still writing).
I originally thought it was because it fit in so well with my children's schedules.  But this is something I learned this summer- I did it for my Grandchildren's schedules!!! Hit palm to forehead...of course!  This is why I stuck with this job, which at times can be both unfulfilling and underpaying! It is so I could be available for these to little amazing creatures. They are the only ones (so far)I would drag my ass out of bed for at 6AM two -three times a week on my vacation!! 
So here starts the list- things I learned on my summer vacation- somethings  I already knew-like:
-I hate bugs!  Fucking little insects that crawl, fly, infest- ugh! I hate them!  I know they are God's creatures and they serve a purpose- one of those purposes must be scaring the shit out of me.  Yeah yeah yeah...spiders eat mosquitoes...well if I could put those little assholes on tiny little leashes and take them to the driver-in  or sit around the fire with us..fine- Bon Appetit. Quit skulking around my living room walls, over my bed and the driver side rear view mirror, because I'll take this car up to 90  and watch you and your web fly off on to the 290, mother fuckers .  And why are there so many kinds of bugs?  Is that an ant, a spider, a beetle or some tiny prehistoric mutant that feels the need to  always be in my peripheral vision. Once you see one anywhere in your house....it's all over- grab the nearest spray can of anything and attack.  There are more insects in my house whose hair never looked better or smelled better for that matter.  I don't know if you can market a product that holds your hair in place, with a lovely lavender fragrance and kills. bugs. dead!  I know it's summer and maybe they are on vacation too- but stay the fuck out of my house. Enjoy the pool though- I have great pleasure in skimming out your little lifeless bodies. So beware dive bombing bees, wasp, hornets or whatever the shit you are- I got my skimmer and my extra hold mousse.
- I am okay with my appearance....for the most part.  I guess I learned this at the beach. Man, if you ever want to feel like America's Top Model ...just go to the beach.  Now, of course you do see these skinny little bitches in their skinny little bitch bikinis....but I'm talking about your regular over 30 crowd....yeeee-ikes. Put some clothes on ma'am and you too sir.  No one needs to see that!!!  Yes, it's the beach and it's hot and it's America....well actually it was Canada ...so put you back bacon in a decent bathing  suit!  Good for you for having no inhibitions....and it's even not a size issue, everyone has a right to wear what makes them comfortable.  But holy hell...there is no way that stretched out piece of spandex blend is comfortable!!! It's just good taste and common sense people!   But there I was in my modest beach attire and I have to admit for the first time...I really wasn't self conscious.  Not really.  I couldn't be, not with my two loves there.  I was too busy -it was the baby's first time at the beach. So there was a lot of bending and running and playing. Once again, Crystal Beach saw way more of my breasts than intended (memories of that infamous water slide incident). I look at pictures and I guess they're okay, now that I've learned to position myself in a flattering matter (basically hiding). Plus if you take 100 shots one of them is bound  to look good...if my eyes are open, that is.  So what, none of the kids are looking and the baby is crying...but damn...my hair looks great in this one.  Which isn't always the case...I've learned that dark hair  does not photograph well....especially if it's short. It usually looks like some sort of stupid hat. So I decided this summer to embrace the curl and just go with. Straighteners be damned...but then the humidity. Oh the humidity! Five seconds in the pool and ladies and gentlemen...Diana Ross!  Holy shit! But,what can you do?  I will keep going to the gym (though I see no difference after spinning all summer) and have my wasp killing mousse on hand and just be happy with the fact that when my grandson sees a picture of Betty Boop...he says "Hey,there's Gaga". I would have preferred Jessica Rabbit, but at least it's not that Looney Toons witch (you all know her. Sing it with me....a cup of tea ...a cookie and you-hoo)
-I like fruit.  I really do. It doesn't have to be chocolate coated or dipped in anything either. I actually was craving it. What the fuck?  I would come home from summer school/babysitting /rehearsal and go straight for the watermelon....except for that one night that I fired up the grill and made ribs at 11:00. But other than that  I have found that (and I hate to admit this) eating healthy makes you feel better....there I said it. Of course- I haven't been in my office with my co-workers all summer - My co-workers with whom I am proud to say I have done some of my best work...and by work I mean eating!  I am also proud to say I am the co-creator of the 2:30 Friday Social where we make sure there is no cupcake left behind before the weekend. Working in a busy office ...sometimes the socials go from 2:55-3:00 with twenty phone calls in between, but we do it, damn it..for the kids! See, it's not always about the food...it's the people you share the food with..pfffft-who am I kidding- it's the fucking food and/or drinks ...mmmmm....grapefruit shandies....I told you I like fruit!!!
-I got this...I learned that "I got this" this summer. This year I directed our musical without any assistants. I had my awesome musical director/orchestra leader and my amazing daughter choreographer(some days with both kids in tow) and a huge supportive network of people....but no assistant which I have had the past  5 or so shows. It really was tough. I had to be "on" all the time. There was no one there I could tell..."work on this scene while I deal with costume questions...technical issues ...parent problems....rival theater group incidents (seriously?...think West Side Story...but a really ,really old, lame version)." But I did it and my little directorate of three (which other year's has been 6 or 7) put on a great little show...and this year we even had a spot on AMBuffalo to promote it!   Plus we did it all basically in one month.  When I looked at my schedule for the month of July...it was summer school, babysitting (some times overnighters), rehearsals...weekend rehearsals, car wash fundraisers...show show show and show!!!!  How am I going to do this? I thought.   Then again, after the winter/spring we went through....i said "yeah I got this" and I did.  I don't think I could have without my little support system of friends and you know who you are. Sitting on my patio laughing about the most obscure, inappropriate scenarios or .giggling about old times or planning future adventures. I love you guys -now let's eat some ribs!!!
-I miss my mom! I unfortunately learned that this summer. Now, whenever we see a butterfly...(the only insect I like) we say it's her checking up on us. The same unusually colorful one keeps as showing up at my kids' houses.  How cool , right?  This past weekend, at my granddaughter's baptism party...there was a butterfly visiting at different times throughout the day.  I know you're saying...it's an insect like the ones you were just bitching about.   I say..Shut up...I like to believe it's her. A psychic friend (not Dionne Warwick) said people who have passed sometimes use nature for communication, so there  They also use your dreams, I'm told.  I dream about my mom a lot. The other night I had my monthly dream about tornadoes. I don't know why, but I have tornado dreams....I looked it up ...it said something about life in turmoil...whatever. Anyway this latest tornado dream featured my whole family on a vacation and suddenly the skies turned black and funnel clouds began to form. Fuck!!! We all ran for cover and there was my mom with a bunch of people watching the weather on a TV.  She was working the crowd like she used to and I said to my sister "look at her...she's having a ball".  It was so strange because I've been thinking of her missing her a lot this week.  I must have shed a bucket of tears...but after that dream, I feel a little better knowing that maybe she is "having a ball" where she is. I like to think she is!
- Lastly I learned to look to the future with joy and not dread. First of all I'm Sicilian, so you know how hard this lesson is to learn.  The "waiting for the other shoe to fall" has always been a part of my life - the "what fresh hell awaits me now".  Of course,  I don't want to go back to work.  But,  if you think about it, it's just a vehicle to get to another summer..plus if I don't go back...I'll be broke. So in between summers we have a first birthday... a couple concerts...sadly, some firsts without my mom...but a new kindergartener with all the adventures that goes with that and who knows what else! I'm hoping for  "all good thing ...all good thing".
In a New York Times article posted on Facebook by my fellow summer loving Goomadi, it said:
"The end -of-summer melancholy is a common experience, even a cliche.  Part of it, of course is just my dread and hatred of back to school time, unchanged since childhood. The whole world of work and productivity still seems to me like an unconscionable waste of time; the only parts of life that really  matter are the summers, the in between times- the idle goofing off."
"The idle goofing off"?!?! How do I get that job...I'm perfect for it.  So come on everyone, become official followers of my blog...click on the advertisements a bunch of times...share it with who ever you know (especially publishers) maybe I can make enough money to live like it's summer all the time. With that, I just used the advertising part of my degree...just sayin'

What a Drag it is Getting Old

The Rolling Stones were in town this past weekend.  I did not go to see them.  I kind of wish I had…I'm sure it was a mixed bag of age groups.  My son and son in law were there. They tailgated from very early and got home very late...to paraphrase Danny Glover in Legal Weapon..."I'm too old for that shit".  I really rarely say that- but that phrase has been creeping into my lexicon as of late. Another reason I didn't go to the concert was an article I wrote way back in the days when I wrote for the Buff State newspaper,  ( I know I told this story before, I can hear my kids' collective eyes rolling- but I'm old now and I can start repeating stories....I checked, it's in the handbook) 

When I was interviewing my cousin's punk rock band "Stiff Mitten" (great name) I casually said I doubt bands like the Rolling Stones will be touring in 20 years...well that was 30 plus years ago. I kind of still stand by it. Although I heard they put on an awesome show- it had to be kind of odd to see 70+ year old guys singing "You cant always get what you want"...C'mon Mick, if you haven't gotten it by now.  I mean really 70!  Did they play Under ( I think there's arthritis in )My Thumb or Wild Horses (couldn't drag me off this couch)But, also something kind of cool about it too about getting older.

I think the worst part is the physical part- the everything hurts. If I do anything out of the ordinary, I am sore for days. I consider myself pretty active too- especially in the summer, I am at the theater directing five nights a week- I watch my  "babies" two or three times a week and I go to the gym  (muffled word) times a week....well let's say I have a gym membership.  But if I decide to put some plants in the ground...owwww or if I carry that baby girl around too much  eeeeeehh or if I have to cut a extra tough piece of steak...yeeoww,  The next day- things ache.  I can't handle it.  If we go out for a few drinks- I stop and say-oh I have too much to do tomorrow to have a hangover- I have NEVER said that in the past- I was the queen of  "oh alright...one more shot" And it's not the alcohol that 's the killer- it's that I'm soooo tired!

Physically...I'm different- clothes fit different-my body looks different- I have to have plan B outfits all the time- and never under estimate the power of leggings and a flow-y top or the ever popular "eating pants" Oh and I can't forget to mention the fatigue- I walk around like that guy from "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest" who kept saying "I'm tired I'm tired - not to be confused with the times I'm walking around asking "Is the heat on- it's freaking hot in here"which usually is followed by me standing in front of the open freezer- which is where the ice cream is - and then my clothes fit differently- ahh it's quite the vicious circle ! But of all the things I've lost over the years, I think I miss bladder control the most....what the hell is up with that!?!

Mentally- I'm different- I can't remember shit!  I recently forgot my pin number for my debit card and I called the credit union and they said they would send me a reminder. I asked if they can send me a reminder..oh say every six weeks.  Not a bad idea ! My passwords are all the same and I break into a cold sweat when the time comes to update them. Make sure there's an uppercase and a number - oh what the fuck - steal my identity- I can't remember most of it any way.

Emotionally- I'm different- I have lost my patient with humans and much rather spend time with my big ol' dog. People are shidiots and I don't mind telling them so.  I used to be nicer and I cared what people thought.  I wanted everyone to like me like me like me!  Hell, now I like it when people hate me- I just hope it's for a good reason!  

BUT....on the other hand ...I have to say I kind of like being this age.  I feel like I've earned my spot in a special club where we are privy to things. Like- the phrase "this too shall pass". I remember people saying it to me when I was younger- and they were right.  I don't let myself worrying so much anymore.  Of course still do worry about things...the health and well being of my family, I AM Sicilian for God's sake.  We have made it through some unspeakably hard times and tragedies lately.  It's true that we are stronger for it.  And by the way no more thanks- I believe I am strong enough now!!!  

 I like being with people my age-especially when we are with people the next age group down and they think THEY'RE old.  HA! It's like were all in on this secret- we've been through it and came out the other side. We came out okay for the most part too. I realized this one morning while I was proctoring the SAT's.  Here were a room full of teenagers agonizing over these questions and stressing over the fact that they may have to write some thing...on paper...in CURSIVE!!!! No one knows cursive anymore-it's a lost art especially that capital Q...(that's a 2 isn't it?). Anyway, while all this was going on I was playing a little game on my tablet. Match three color marbles and break down the wall...lalalalala..Bubble Blaster or something. If you fail to do this - the word LOSER comes up in big letters on the screen.  Loser? I don't think so- ! I wouldn't trade places with these kids for all the blue marbles in Bubble Blaster Land!!! But the irony of that situation was so rich!!  Working in a high school now I see the pressure and stress these kids have to endure.  I don't think they even enjoy it.  The cyber crap and the competition.  I'll take the class of 1978 anytime baby!  Looking back- we really enjoyed high school- despite some really, really stupid decisions and dumb fashion choices.  I recently had a little reunion of sorts with some close friends from high school, and like it sometimes happens - it was like no time had passed. We may have a few more pounds and a couple of covered up grey hairs between us but we earned all of them. It is what makes us who we are.  The heartaches and tribulations and the triumphs of the years shape us. A Lot of water went under that proverbial bridge, but the "remember when" stories start-and it's like the fucking twilight zone ...we are those same goofy kids again except we can drink legally! That happens when you hear a song too- thanks to satellite radio- you get to listen to a whole car ride of 70's music! Not that it was all great ( Billy Don't be a Hero and what ever that "My name is Michael- I got a nickel" song was) but they are our memories- one Styx song and I'm right back in 11th grade!  It's so funny how I can't remember if I paid the electric bill this month but I can sing along, word for word to "Hot Rod Lincoln"...everybody...."Daddy said son your gonna drive me to drinkin...."

Age I guess is all relative, my youngest was in disbelief when she turned quarter century last year and my son is enjoying his last year of his 20's and my oldest...in her early thirties already has that "I can't ...I'm Old" excuse down. My kids will also learn as they start feeling older that their shows and music are so much better than  whatever the"kids these days" are in to. I see them do it now- I see them getting al nostalgic for the Backstreet Boys, New Kids on the Block, Spice Girls- and the cool thing is that it was all a part of my life as well as theirs. But it does make them feel "old".

What they don't know is that they have a little second childhood to look forward to.They will have a little bit of freedom from certain responsibilities both real and the ones you plague yourselves with. It is kind of cool to not care about certain things or what certain people think. In fact, they will run into people from high school in years to come and pick right up where they left off  with no pretense because you all are in the same age boat. I just hope they enjoy each age they are in because each one is important in it's own way. The truth is -it goes fast, incredibly fast. The trick is have some fun along the way and try not to take things too serious- I can almost guarantee you will be laughing about it someday. Like the time we really should have gotten arrested.....

All these kids will all be where I am some day- they will sit down on the couch to watch a show and wake up an hour later watching a completely different show!   They will get a new phone and feel like a total idiot- saying things like- no I didn't mean to call you  and oh that's just my alarm and no, I don't know how to turn it off and yes, I know it's 6:45 PM!!! Maybe they will buy a new car and stand in front of the wrong new car and wonder why the stupid key thingy doesn't work.  Okay this last one really isn't the fault of me or my age.  I bought a car last year and the choices of colors were "Metamucil Gold" ""AARP Silver" or fucking RED RED RED RED as can be!  I did not want to go tooling around in a little red car with my grand children's car seats in the back ...but I got the RED one given my other choices- now a year later everyone in town has a little red Chevy Cruze- three on my street alone- can you blame me!!

So I digress or regress as they case may be- I can't say I look forward to getting any older- I do look forward to slowing down a bit- I thought I would have by now- I am actually quite busy and I guess that's what keeps us young despite all the other aforementioned factors that are out of our control- So I will direct my musicals(good for the soul)- do my crosswords (good for the brain)- Instead of saying "I must have looked like an old lady in high school", I will say thank you when someone says I look the same as I did way back then (good for the ego) . I will plunge ahead into the next phase with my black hair and leopard print (yes I will be THAT old lady) and I will watch the next generation  contemplate if they should buy tickets to see the Tragically (artificial) Hip....just sayin'

MJust Sayin: A Weekend in Another Country

MJust Sayin: A Weekend in Another Country: It seems I can't stay away from Steven Sondheim.  "A weekend in the country...how amusing, how delightfully droll..."  Well an...