Six Degrees of Jubilation

Someone recently asked me when the next installment of MJust Sayin was going to be ready.  I thought long and hard before I sarcastically answered "when I have something happy to write about".  I have been in a slump lately...a rut ...or what is known (to a chosen few) as the LIFE TROUGH.  Now everyone is probably well aware of my family  health situation,  but that being said, I have been very negative lately. It seems like I am in a downward spiral of bitch, (that would be a great  title for a soap opera).  So in a Scarlett O'Hara moment....I made a conscious decision...."with God as my  witness." to be.... happy
I decided that even if I am not in a very happy time of life....I can recall the things that make me happy...go ahead say it  "go to your happy place".  Now I am generally a positive, glass half full type of person. I really am...I remember being told one time that "not everything is funny, you know"...but....it kind of is... for the most part anyway.  So being that person, I have found a bunch of things that make me happy.  Some are big, grand events that I look back on and some are simple little things that most people don't even notice.  The births of my children/grandchild/nieces & nephews (related or unrelated) of course make up a chunk of the happiest moments ever. That is kind of what they call a given.   But there were certain days that even when I was in it, I knew... this is an "as good as it gets" moment.

 About six years ago, my three kids and I piled in a car at midnight and drove through the night to New York City to see a friend of ours in a real live Broadway show.  We went to this awesome show along with our favorite  NYC Goomadi. Like that wasn't enough to make a memory or two  After the show we made our way to the stage door .  There was a crowd of adoring fans which we maneuvered through and caught the eye of the guy at the door.  We said who we were and he said ..."right this way" and escorted us in, much to the hatred of the mere peons on the street... I remember saying "Hey we are finally as cool as we are always pretending to be". We met some of the cast and went to dinner with our Broadway star friend.  Walking down the street on that warm July evening, I knew...this is a good day, one that I will always remember as pretty close to perfect. 

Many of my happy moments are NYC/NJ based.  Sitting on a roof top with good friends having Mojitos...watching my kids see the ocean for the first time and then years later, laughing uncontrollably while we got knocked around by the waves . going backstage at Saturday Night Live,  having a handsome waiter comment on my smile as he took a picture of us.  Those are all good 'go to" moments to savor on the drive home from the cancer ward of a hospital.

Five  years ago I directed my first musical.  Godspell... and I honestly did not know what the fuck I was doing.  For some reason taking on this task at the same time we were planning a wedding (show- one weekend/wedding the next) seemed like a perfectly sane thing to do..Now I've never smoked crack, but I would image it's the feeling of pure joy and intense fear and having really no true control over anything yet watching it all unfold in front of you.  For the record both events were wildly successful and I look back on that time with true happiness as they both were interwoven and life changing.  On the first day of rehearsal, I suggested to this group of strangers, that it would be so cool if everyone came to the church for the wedding and surprise my daughter/our choreographer with one of  the songs from the show that she had also chosen for the service.(..Godspell....God....church,.... see how this all fits.)
Fast forward six weeks later and in the back of the church sat these once strangers, now "family".  I know the thought was  "how sweet they came to the wedding" but when the song started and these kids stood up and filled the church with gorgeous harmonies  ...it was honestly one of the most incredible moments and the beautiful, surprised look on my daughter's face is burned in my mind and heart forever.
 So when I find myself looking for  some cute hats and pretty scarves to bring to my mom who now lost all her hair....I think of the song "All Good Gifts" and that amazing summer.

Now its not all about good times and great days....little things make me happy too. Like making all the lights on Sheridan Drive...looking at a digital clock and the time is your birthday (3:31 in case anyone forgot)  or when its 12:34 ....it's crazy  how many time I look at the clock right at that 1234 time....day or night, it always makes me smile. ( yeah, I'm kind of low maintenance)
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Working in a restaurant offers moments of happy ....sometimes.  Of course getting a giant tip is great, but bear with me here. After a crazy shitstorm night (like yesterday) when the place is packed and you are actually questioning your existence, you get through it with a strange feeling of accomplishment and a pocket filled with wads of money.  You'd think that is good enough ...but as you go to set up the place,  that looks like Viet Nam,  you grab a  random hand full of silver ware and napkins etc, and just so happens you grabbed the EXACT NUMBER of everything you need,  I LOVE THAT.  That makes me so happy in a sad way that only other freaky, Anthony Bourdain lovin' restaurant people will understand.

So I guess I just got buried in all the negative things that were happening  that I forgot about all the "good gift around us."..simple or not they keep me going and bring me back to that happy place. Like.......

A curtain call...when the applause swells and someone "woos" (it actually makes me teary eyed)

When my grandson decided to call me Gaga..

 True Laughter.... I heard this line somewhere "the moment your laugh becomes a chuckle"

When someone gets your references...doesn't everyone know who Rocky Dennis is....I guess not.

That first kiss....

Zipping up a pair of jeans that didn't always fit

...and on the other hand,,,, CAKE!!!!

Happy Hour ( duh it's right in the name)

A good shower, not your everyday one but a real good one, like after a day at the beach  

The right pair of shoes 

...and to come full circle...someone asking me when my next blog is because they really look forward to it.

Yeah, it's been quite a year or so and I don't know how much longer this will continue but these little escapes into "happy land" remind me how blessed I am. While I'm on the subject I'm a little annoyed at how people are totally abusing the word "blessed" these days...just because your life seems to be going your way at the moment- it doesn't always warrant a hashtag ...."got what I wanted#blessed."    Seriously, think about what it really means to be blessed.   Hmmmm, I guess this might be a little foreshadowing,  I mean if I can write about all the things that make happy, you know damn well I am ready to list all the shit that fucking PISSES ME OFF.....just sayin

Pressure Cooker

Everyone has heard of stress eaters...well I'm a stress cooker.  I prefer the term Pressure Cooker because I like the cartoon visual attached to it.  This pot-type contraption with gauges and dials spinning out of control, steam escaping from the lid, a "run for your lives" aura about it. Yep, that sounds about right.  I realized  recently that I have been cooking  an awful lot lately. Now here's an understatement:  I have been under some stress for the last 12 months or so, the last couple of months especially.
 Now not to say I haven't done my share of stress eating. I have.  I do believe I'm more of a social eater. I can successfully diet for weeks and weeks but only if there is some kind of solitary confinement involved.  Put me in a social situation and it's..cake? OKAY  big piece?  HELL YEAH!  I was told once that I eat like I'm in  a competition...and in one embarrassingly proud moment , after finishing a plate of ribs, the server came to he table said " the guys in the kitchen were betting you wouldn't be able eat all that". You lose bitches!
 
I love eating but I really enjoy cooking.  I think I like it because there's a beginning, a middle and an end and the end =eating...You sit around and say what should we eat...what do we have in the house- the beginning. You chop and mix and marinate and fry, bake or boil  -the middle .  Then you eat and if all goes well you hear the "mmmm-ing" and the "I can't believe you made this"- the end.
I  love the freedom of cooking but I am not a fan of baking (too much measuring ) although it is starting to grow on me...literally- like on my big ass.
 I also love the predictability of cooking. To paraphrase a scene from the movie Julie & Julia  (about a food blogger cooking her way through the Julia Child cookbook) I love the idea that no matter what is going on in the world I know that  if I melt butter add some  flour ... I can make a roux which can be a gravy or a wine sauce or a cheese sauce.  There is great comfort in that for me.

Now because I can't really do anything medically to help my parents or my husband.... so I cook.  Here is what the doctor ordered
 Knee surgery- 12 bean soup with ham and kielbasa, chili (with too many peppers I was told)  Potato and Ham and cheese soup.
 Hip surgery - baked macaroni with chicken sausage meat balls and beans and greens with bacon. 
For the various cancers - a couple variations of chicken soup, pasta zucchini and pepperoni sauce, chocolate zucchini bread.  cracker crusted cod with bowtie pasta/ fall vegetables medley
Now add the new job stress   Most recently, today in fact, I came home after being in lockdown at school. Because of a crazed neighbor  with a house full of guns which he burned to the ground- I thought what anybody else would in my situation....FRIED CHICKEN

Cooking, to me, is a form of control. I visit my mom, who does not seem to be improving very much physically and not at all mentally. I try to talk to her and tell her how she has to get herself up off the couch. She says she will- but doesn't do it or won't do it....not without me anyway....I feel guilty because I can't be there to help her all the time...I just can't = PORK ROAST.    I have a new job, which I really like, but it's new and it's different and it's quite a bit of work=SPAGHETTI SQUASH  WITH MUSHROOMS AND SPINACH SAUTEED IN OLIVE OIL AND GARLIC TOPPED WITH FRESH MOZZARELLA. My newest stress is my sweet little cocker spaniel, Cosette, who will celebrate her 15 birthday this month, is clearly (sigh) on her way out.....  three words
 CHICKEN.  POT. PIE.
SO many things are out of my control but I knew that if I added a few mini chocolate chips to my angel food cake with strawberry sauce, it would make it better ....and it did ...on so many levels.

Now I find it funny that I am not married to a "foodie".  He likes to eat and I know he likes my cooking....though he never rarely says...but he is not a foodie ( I'm not sure I like that word) ...I do have a couple food lovers in my life and I think if I was married to either of  them I would be huge HUGE....like piano case for a coffin huge... like has to be cut out of my apartment huge.  So I guess  that is the balance of life, the recipe if you will. Since cooking together is a very intimate thing... I have F- Buddies...the F being food, ya perverts.

But I  do find it completely natural that my son is a cook by trade and an awesome cook at that.  I guess it's in the blood....he knows exactly  what to add to what and when.  His motto  bacon goes with everything....I have never been prouder. . I love that for the last few Christmas mornings we spent it making sauce and this past year BRACIOLE. (with bacon)-yum

I love food ! When I first thought about starting a blog I thought maybe I'd write about food.  But instead, I began writing about my musicals.   I actually have a great idea for a Food Network show.  Pick a Broadway musical and I would make some dishes inspired by it....For example Sound of Music- crisp apple streudels  and schnitzel with noodles.  Get it ...a few of her favorite things?  I would call it SOUND BITES....yesssssss!
 It even works with movies ...I can make something with  "garlic sliced with a razor blade so thin it liquefies in the pan" ala GOODFELLAS which has one of the best food related lines in movies..."Tomorrow we eat SANGwiches".

Food is connected with so many memories....I can remember the first time I had a shrimp cocktail...I think I was six.  At that time of my life I was a scrawny kid.  I (believe it or not) was seriously under weight.  My grandfather called me "little one".  My mom used to give me all kinds of things to help boost my weight...I don't think she read the small print because I think it said "may take 30 years to kick in"
Kick in it did with a vengeance...

Yes I will continue my love affair with food .  I will cook my way through the hard times and situations that I have no control over.   I cook for myself and for others and I am the boss for a change.  I will begrudgingly watch my carbs and stick with whole wheat pastas and chicken and fish...on the weekdays and I will fill my weekends baking and creating new recipes because I can control this...if only this.
So as we wait to hear if my mom is healthy enough for chemo this week...again, out of my hands ....I'm thinking SEAFOOD BISQUE.  I will bring her some and hopefully she will eat it and get stronger because she looks like she is wasting away. It's awful but it's not only because she is sick...as she says when you get older you lose your appetite....Seriously?...when does this happen?  Does this also take 30 years to kick in---just sayin'

Words, Words, Words

Act 2 Scene 2.... Polonius asks Hamlet "What do you read, my lord?" and Hamlet answers "Words, Words,Words",  Now I was pretty sure it was Hamlet, but I'm not going to lie and say I knew what scene it was from. I had to look it up since the most I remember about Hamlet comes  from when the castaways performed it for big Hollywood producer Harold Hecuba on Gilligan's Island....don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about ("Never a borrower or a lender be...." set to the music of Carmen....classic!)   
But I always remembered  Words Words Words.  Maybe because I love words.  I bet it comes as no surprise to anyone that I love words.  I always have. I remember writing stories and poems in elementary school (oh yeah, always in those anthologies)   I remember making up crossword puzzles when I was junior high.  Reading and rewriting plays in high school and going to school for Communications and writing for the college paper.  I'm addicted to Words with Friends and I fear I have lost some friends because of it. (you know who you are).  And my favorite thing to do on a Sunday is curl up on the couch, with a big cup of Tim Horton's coffee and do both Sunday crosswords puzzles ....in pen, that's right, pen, bitches!  Do you know a 3 letter word for a bitter vetch?  I do   ERS...whatever

 Words Words Words...I've made up a few and have adopted some as my own. For example
"oochie-bit" ...an oochie-bit is a cookie or pastry or even a salty type snack you eat when you're in the mood for something but you don't know what.
 "Utzy" ....utzy is a feeling when you don't know what to do with yourself, your arms and legs feel all awkwardy and you can't get comfortable.  Usually the only cure for feeling "utzy" is an "oochie-bit".  "Frankenstrated"...now this one is a combination of being anxious and frustrated.  I remember using it a lot before my daughter's wedding.  Anyone who has ever planned a wedding knows that there are so many things to be done, but they have to be done at certain times.  I knew I had tons of tasks to accomplish like getting chair covers but you can't really get the chair covers until the morning of...I was frustrated ...I was anxious...I was frankenstrated.  Use it in a sentence....it's fun!
 Now my new favorite word is (you guessed it)
 "Shidiot" ..  it's when idiot just doesn't cover it, like some kind of super idiot ...I guess it's a cross between shit head and idiot. It's usually accompanied by head shaking in disbelief.  When someone can't figure out that you can't say you're really sick and stiff someone and then post pictures of yourself on facebook having a grand ol' time at a concert or party...."shidiot".  
Words, Words Words....I love 'em.   I love people who use them creatively. I have been insulted and complimented many times in my life.  I don't remember most of them  but I do remember that I have been called effervescent and I have been called exhausting. One compliment, one insult, both so very appreciated because of the thought went into the word choice. Thank You !  That being said, I would be remiss to not mention swearing and the thought that goes into each curse word I choose. I just love to swear.   I'm sure that is not a surprise to anyone either.  But I am a great swearer (except during Lent). Some people think those who swear are unintelligent, rude and are resorting to profanity because they don't know how to express themselves,  au contraire  mother fuckers...some study showed that people who use a lot of swear words tend to be more honest and trust worthy  and there is no correlation between swearing and unintelligence.   So shut the hell up and look at Jon Stewart of the Daily Show.  Whether you agree with his politics or not, you have to admit that he is one intelligent man...he is well read and can hold his own with any politician or author AND he swears a lot...AND he loves crossword puzzles...I dare say he is the perfect man.  I would love to  curl up and "do a crossword" with him some day. 
Did you ever notice that if you put things in quotes and especially if you do air quotes....it sounds dirty.  David Letterman did a whole Top Ten list on it years ago and the one I always remembered was "frosting the pastry"....sounds filthy and delicious.  But seriously how good does it feel to say the F word sometimes.  It's a noun...it's a verb...adjective and adverb.  A good "what the fuck?" really sometimes says it all.
 Words, Words Words.  The reason I have been thinking so much about words is because I have been at a loss for words as of late.  This whole mom/ cancer situation has rendered me, yes me...word girl...speechless.  I really can't  put into words how I am feeling these days hopeful/hopeless ...encouraged/defeated,  I guess I am angry but angry doesn't cut it....angry at who ...angry at what?  People ask how she is doing and I can't find the word to describe it.  Maybe people are just asking to be polite, but I just can't retort  with a "she's better" or "not so good" ...it just doesn't seem like there's a proper way to address it. I usually say "I don't know"...which makes me look uncaring or uninvolved which I am neither...I am angry!  W
hen the doctor came out of the OR  waaaaaaay earlier than he should have, I knew that was not a good thing.  After I picked my heart up out of somewhere between my stomach and my toes, we all went to the little room to talk.  You never want to go to that fucking little room.(appropriate use of that word as an adjective) The surgery wasn't going to help her, more cancer than he thought and going with chemo first may be the way to combat this.  Ok...disappointed /relieved ? Catch your breath and regroup.  Let's tell her its not all bad news, same news ...different tactic.  Did we not use the right words, does she get it?
I don't know if she is giving up or if she has no fight in her...which are valid feelings but they don't match the doctor's prognosis.  Now we need to try to be encouraging but not bossy...understanding but not passive. It's a whole oxymoron-ity of being a child who is now a parent to a  parent whois like a child.  I am talking to her like I would my grandson...especially that she needs to poop before she is released to go home.  Unfortunately, taking Ninja Turtles away is not quite the incentive for her. I don't know what to think or say anymore...hopefully it's temporary or it's bye, bye blog... I feel like a wall of tears are right behind my eyes and  finding the right word will burst the dam.  Maybe that's why I can't find it yet.  People may say vulnerable , but I HATE that word...mainly because I can't seem to say it properly and because it is a feeling that I detest.  Hands are tied...loss for words....this is hell for me.  I am fucking word girl....how can someone who loves words so much be in such a dilemma.  WTF???
The irony - I guess is life can be good and bad at the same time. I will talk and use the wrong words til the right ones come along and just be pissed off about it. I can't tell you the amount of conversations I have with my husband on the way home from hospital visits that end with me saying a desparate "you know what I mean?" to be only answered by a resounding "uh huh" ... and there it is - the brutal irony of  this word girl's life....word girl is married to a man of few word.  But to quote Mae West "very few words...but a lot of action" (wink wink) ....just sayin'

Little Victories

I'm never going to win the war...what war you ask....to answer I will borrow a phrase from a  early,  pre -Godfather Marlon Brando movie..."whaddya got?"  I bet most of you know what I am talking about. The War - The daily war with banks that screw up your account, insurance companies that screw up you policies, Tim Horton's employees that screw up your coffee order...seriously it's just black coffee...no milk, no sugar...BLACK-it can't be that difficult,   I  know I am trying to stay positive in the coming months and  I will.... just bear with me. There is always going to be that war so I am here to tell you to celebrate the Little Victories.  Ah yes, the little victories- even if they are only important to you- enjoy them.... I do. Some days are tougher than others to find them, you have to really dig... but they are there. ( I didn't hit one red light ...take that Town Highway Department!)

Now I have to admit that many, many of my little victories are what one might call "imaginary". That being said let me take you back to the early  90's.  I just plopped down a big bunch of money to get floor seats for Elton John.  I have always been a fan ...since Tumbleweed Connection...before all the crazy get ups and glam glasses. So I was very excited and wasn't disappointed by the awesome performance.  Now about 3 or 4 months later they announce that Elton John is touring with Billy Joel ( another fav...although I have seen him a few times).  I was furious!  Why didn't they announce this sooner.  I would have loved to see them both together.  So do I now plop down another big bunch of money?  The guy just played here and now he's coming back with a better show for more money.  NO ...I said.  I am not going and I didn't and I don't regret it.  This is coming from someone who has seen Bruce Springsteen 14 times....but that's  not the point.  I thought it was shitty so I didn't go.....I felt like I won a small imaginary, even demented battle-----little victory?----why not

I was and still am a big letter (email now) writer. Surprise Surprise.... I wrote letters to Dog Food Companies when I found little bugs in a bag of food---FREE DOG FOOD...victory!   When my oldest daughter was a baby, she got her finger caught in a little Winnie the Pooh toy...APOLOGY FROM SEARS + GIFT CERTIFICATE- --victory! One year our school was closed because of a huge  ice storm in October.  Some of us didn't get paid for about a week or so (not to mention property damages and generator costs)  and our school district refused to compensate us---I wrote a letter to NYSUT, the union we are affiliated with, and received a BIG CHECK right around Christmas time----fa la la la laaaa  victory!
 Now it doesn't always work  and here's a big FUCK YOU  to HOTWIRE.COM

I had a couple of little victories this summer....although this one may fall under the "imaginary" category.  The beginning of last year when we started our last first day of school, our superintendent came in to say how smooth things were going to run and our placements will be handled by seniority which seemed cool ( especially since I have 20 years of it).  Something told me to be proactive...so I  (wait for it) wrote a letter.  I wrote the superintendent a letter on behalf of my fellow employees.   I wanted to make a plea to consider people's talents and strengths, along with the seniority, when deciding where to place them.  I knew it was a complicated process and in a school district with huge money problems, our jobs were not priority one....we HAVE jobs...a lot of people didn't.  He answered me, he thanked me for suggestion and said he would do his best.  Two words came to mind...Bull and Shit....but I don't regret writing it...I don't regret!   A few weeks ago, we got our placements.  Hello, I am the new Career Center Coordinator at the High School.  After 20 years in elementary school...I finally made it to high school! I was told by my new principal it's not that different...they are just a little bigger ..but he noticed that they were bigger than me by 3rd grade anyway. ( I think I'm gonna like this guy.)  But my new job, I like to think, will allow me to finally use some of my public relation skills (30 years since college but still) and my technology abilities and was told to use my creativity to make the job my own.  Not too shabby...and I'm not saying that the letter I wrote last year led me to this position.  Coincidence....probably....   luck of the draw ...maybe...Victory .... hells yes!
In my mind...it's a victory ....the same mind that says look about 20 pounds thinner and 20 years younger...the mind that says everyone thinks I am as funny as I do.....the mind that says no one notices the food stains on ALL my shirts nor do they see the newest little hair on my upper lip.

Another victory this summer was getting my whole family together for a mini vacation.
It was  Me vs. Six Busy Schedules  but    I   WAS   VICTORIOUS!   
It wasn't for a long time at all, but there we were, all seven of us together ...that's all I wanted.  We came up at all different times, some of us stayed longer, some left early to go to work. some of us got to go to the pool (by the way having that imaginary extra 20 lbs. makes you freaking fly down that water slide....take that skinny bitches), but we all had a great dinner and got to lay around the hotel room laughing and enjoying each others company.  I say that was quite a victory indeed.  After a crazy summer of rehearsals (our show made money this year...another not so little victory) and our upcoming "fresh Hell" with doctors and hospitals, we must grab these victories and hang on to them tightly with both hands.

We met my mom and dad at the office of her new doctor ( a man, I'm told, that does not mince words or give false hopes)   I accompanied my mom in to the examining room where the doctor said "this doesn't look too bad".  Our first little victory.  He explained what the next steps were. Surgery, but she is going to a great hospital where she will get great care (same one my husband was)another little victory.  I AM feeling positive and not as scared as I may have been in the past when I was afraid to say that word out loud. Now I say it with ease and a I find that I can yell it at the top of my lungs if I want to ....take that cancer
Because this conversation happens (more than once)

Mom:  I hope they don't find a tumor ....
Me:     Mom ..it's CANCER remember CANCER
Mom:  Oh yeah

I'm not sure she totally understands what this all entails and maybe that's a little victory too.   When I left the doctor's office with my sister and daughter, we agreed we are absolutely going to get through this- it was as positive a visit as it could be.  I think my mom and dad got that and I said it out loud.  "I think they get it" . Ironically at that moment, my daughter pointed out that my parents were passing us going the wrong way down Main Street..... doh! ....well at least they were in the right car ....little, little victories, just sayin'

It's Always Something

Remember Roseanne Roseannadanna?  She was on SNL Weekend Update in the 70's.  She would rant and rant about nonsense and say "you know, it's always something"...sounds familiar to me.  My blog (self proclaimed nonsense) has, believe it or not, a following. Now mind you, not a celebrity type following or a Charles Manson following, but a following none the less.  I was asked recently why I haven't blogged lately.  My answer to that was that I have been a little off  my game of late. I have had a crazy year, personally and professionally and the latter is stemming from the *closing of my school/losing a job that I have done for 20 years/saying good bye to people that I realistically  may never see again and not to mention the uncertainty of starting a new job (which took literally months to hear where my placement is ....more about that in the future) I told that person I don't like to write negative blogs...sarcastic , cutting and inappropriate, yes but not negative.   So that being said, this happened.

My mom got sick.  My mom is sick.  I have to say that out loud so it will sink in,
 I have mentioned my mom in past blogs ...mostly concerning our recent role reversal and not in a fun Freaky Friday way. Well looks like she is going to need me more as this new life chapter unfolds. That's okay, we got this....no need for negativity. But for those scoring at home, allow me to reiterate the events of the last 12 months.  They announced our school's closing, my dad had surgery, my husband was rushed to the hospital which was the catalyst for the whole cancer thing, my mom had surgery, my husband's  whole cancer thing and surgery, my dad's other surgery, the actual closing of our school and all that goes with that (*see above)  of course  here and there were your garden variety family dramas and friend issues and sprinkle the whole thing with MENOPAUSE.
and now this.....this last little bit of news may not have put me over the edge but I am desperately hanging on to those little tree roots as little stones and dirt crumble through my fingers.

When she called on Sunday to say she wasn't feeling well and told me her symptoms ...I didn't panic but I had that feeling,  I heard that little voice. You know that little voice.  That little voice that tells me when something is up,  That little voice that has kept me out of trouble because it is right 95% of the time.   I hate that little voice sometimes.  But by mid week she was in the hospital... I found out she was in the hospital a half hour before the opening night curtain of my summer musical.... (another reason for not blogging so much....the musical sucked the life out of me and in the words of  Lily Von Schtoop in Blazing Saddles..."goddammit I'm exhausted"). Now don't think that this directing gig of mine took up sooooo much time that I didn't check on her.....I had.
 It's my family, my family and their Communication Italiano.  It goes like this:

Calling at any time of the day or night for such pressing reason as... "I found a old high school picture of you, do you want it" or "the soup you made was delicious".  But when my grandmother died.....DIED.... they didn't call me because they didn't want to "bug me at happy hour."   That makes me sound like either a raging alcoholic or the biggest douche bag in the world....NO ONE DARE  BOTHER ME WHILE I'M A DRINKIN'....seriously???? 
Well by closing night, we kind of knew it wasn't good and the remaining weeks of my summer will be spent at oncologists and other specialist.   Still not negative,  I've been through this before(8 months ago) and God willing the outcome will be just as positive.  That's the word of the hour- POSITIVE!

So I thought I would blog about it.  I am doing  this for a couple reasons....I think it will be kind of therapeutic for me and I think it may benefit anyone else who may be going through some tough times themselves.  I don't want to diminish the severity or importance of  my or any one else's situation....but I am, I've been told, a funny girl. So if we can get through this together and have a smile or two along the way .....why the hell not?   Also I thought this would be a good way to keep my loyal reader (s) informed and updated on things.  Sometimes the face to face thing...not so good at it....the flooded eyes and quivery voice...so awkward and it makes me really uncomfortable ....so you can imagine how I feel when it's me - ba-da dum!.....(see what I did there, switched it up) .
I also refuse to put this shit on Facebook.   Again, not my style,   I like my Facebook interaction to be
a) clever and witty - posting a clip from Mommie Dearest on Mother's Day
b) gaga related- mainly adorable pictures of my adorable grandson
c) celebratory- birthdays, anniversaries and the like
d) musical- sharing an old song that always gets me (Fountain of Sorrow- Jackson Browne)
e) thought provoking- my post this morning about that moment when you wake up and all your problems and shit haven't you yet ....that split second of utter peace.  It meant something different for me but judging by the response, it hit home with some people.
So posting personal stuff on Facebook .not gonna happen.  It may be fine for some people, but I can't,
I just can't.  The thought of pouring my soul and divulging these personal traumas only to  get the obligatory comments and that horrible thumbs up..the LIKES....I will never understand that:
horrible news - "some asshole you kind of know likes this"....and besides ....who likes cancer?

So my friends, if you are choosing to come along on this new journey with me, I promise to be as snarky, sarcastic and inappropriate as humanly possible with the given situation.  I will try to be inspirational and informative and most of all positive.  I will really try to stay positive because when life gives you lemons...(refer to the lemons listed above) ....when life gives you lemons....fuck it ...I better open a stand, but I'm selling Lemincello....just sayin'

Take another little piece of my heart

I borrowed this title from Janis Joplin but I don't think we have the same take on it. It's a great song to belt in your car but I'm just really in need of the song's title
Recently, they closed my school. As I may have mentioned in past blogs, they closed the school I worked at for almost 20 years. It's the school  my kids went to and I even went there for a few grades when we first moved to this area.  Now from this blog title, one can assume I mean to convey a couple things, like how they have taken little pieces of  the heart out of education.  That would be true. They have replaced the pieces with data and dollars that are going to the wrong places.  When I refer to they, you know I mean the Department of Education who once sent us a letter with the wrong spelling of principal and have misspelled words on tests etc.  One can also assume that there are little pieces of broken hearts of  the kids, parents, teachers and staff as we see the end of an era of the little neighborhood school. This is also true. That is not exactly where I want to go with this ....not this time.
I think we can look at this another way. Maybe it's not so bad to lose a little piece of your heart here and there.  What? Why would you think that?   Is she on as many drugs as Ms. Joplin?  Hear me out
. 
Earlier this month, I ran away from home, played hooky from school and went to NYC.  I went with a friend who also needed to be a runaway.  We hadn't been on one of these little trips in over 30 years.  Back then the reason was, we were done with exams, that was a brutal semester. our families were driving us crazy.  Well that last part may still be true for me.  In my case ( I can't speak for my travel companion) I was temporarily escaping my aging parents and their compulsion to go to the grocery store EVERYDAY.  Now I took their car away since my dad's surgery so I kind of was at their mercy.  But one desperate trip was for two bananas and  emergency Dixie cups and the next day was one can of peaches and dryer sheets.....what is going on in that house???  Do you kind of see my need to flee? 

Off we went on our family free and I might add guilt free getaway. I guess you get less guilty as you get older. We had no plans,no idea where we were going and no time restraints.  We only needed to check into our hotel at some point. Speaking of our hotel, we stayed in a place called the Pod on 39th Street, and yes, we referred to ourselves as "pod people".  If you get the chance, check out this cool little place. It was new and hip....way hipper than us. The rooms are small...think  the Asian businessmen in the drawers on Seinfeld small.  We had bunk beds small.  It was awesome.  I didn't go to away for college but I assume it was dorm room small, which seemed  perfect since we hadn't been on an adventure since our college days.  Although climbing to the top bunk at my age and in a semi Janis Joplin state was quite a sight, I'm sure. Take another little piece of my dignity baby.... But it was a fabulous place, from the awesome roof top bar to the cute little subway tiled bathroom...the "pee pod" if you will.

Anyway we got to the city and met up with friends that we hadn't seen in an embarrassing number of years.  It is an amazing phenomenon, I know you have all experienced it.  That you can up where you left off with certain people, in our case, after decades.  Of course we talked of our aches and pains and yes, we grabbed a light jacket ...just in case, but we were those same people that were singing Springsteen at the top of our lungs in cars and matching each other shot for shot.  It was fascinating to see that although we have been away from each other, we can relate and have the same take on pop culture that we have clearly experienced separately. For example laughing at Seinfeld references ...that is kind of universal.  Whaddya know, it seems to me I found a couple pieces of my heart that I thought I lost when these dear people moved out of my life.

So when we feel like we are losing someone or something, a friend. a relationship, a school... maybe, just maybe, they are taking a piece of your heart with them and keeping it with them.  I feel like there definitely are now pieces of my heart in NYC and the general tri-state area.   I think that's a good thing, no,  a great thing. That's what I learned on my  (pre-) summer vacation..  If I can pick up where I left of with old friends, maybe I don't have to feel like I've lost them.  After three decades, a couple of gals can still shop, have a drink or two. get stopped on the street to be complimented (thank you handsome Little Italy waiter) giggle about stupid things before going to sleep ( which was considerably earlier than the last go around)and share secrets that you know you can only share with someone who has a piece of your heart.

What I thought  was going to be a fun getaway turned out to be quiet an enlightening experience.  I returned to my life of  mistaken car insurance cancellation, another urgent run to get some odd fruit request and the uncertainty of my next school year with a new out look.  It was just what I needed. I can certainly say that I will leave a piece of my heart in every part of that little school and especially with the people that I realistically may not ever see again.  But my trip to the big city showed me that is okay.  You leave a piece but it doesn't leave a gap. It gets filled with new people and relationships and your heart does go on and on....near....far ....where ever you are.... you know  I waited as long as I could to use that lyric.

As I start my summer, my heart is filled with my ever crazy, loving family who I adore and enjoy more and more with every stage of their busy, blossoming lives. Not to mention a bunch of eager drama-manaics who anxiously await the excitement of our annual summer musical (much more on that to come)...,and of course I can give hunks of my heart away because it is more than filled with my wonderfully hysterical and truly beautiful grandson.  We took walk today and as we stopped every so often to Ninja Turtle fight some "bad guys" and referrred to me as "his buddy", I realized  my heart couldn't be fuller. Well..... I guess it kind of can....maybe with another grand child perhaps..no pressure or anything but.if you're reading this.....foots a tappin' here....just sayin'

What the f*** is wrong with people?

I don't want to get all bogged down with negativity, but seriously, what the fuck is wrong with people?  Events of this past week nationally, locally and personally have me asking this question that I have been asking most of my life.  What the fuck is wrong with people?  I can remember saying years and years ago that if this is what humans are really like, I must be from another planet.  I'm sure some of you have been saying that about me too.
A couple of  ( fill in with your own expletive) dirt bags set off some bombs at the Boston Marathon.  It is really incomprehensible that someone thinks their beliefs, ideas, needs are more important than anyone else's,that you can destroy what is usually called the "happiest day of the year" in Boston.  Oh yeah and one of the bombs was set down right by a little kid...whatever....little kids seem to be targets for some people lately.  It wasn't that long ago that we saw that happen, right?  Which brings me to another reason to ask what the fuck is wrong with people?  
Our government is putting on Anybody Get Your Gun.  yep anyone who wants one can get a fire arm....no matter what their history.  I heard 90% of the nation thinks there should be some kind of background check, but for some reason, the bill wasn't passed.  Someone's ideas, beliefs and in this case, need or should I say greed is more important.   I don't want to get in to the big gun argument.  I have my beliefs and there are conflicting ones out there too.  But holy shit, stop talking about the 2nd amendment unless you are referring to muskets and not assault weapons.  Maybe there wasn't a need for background checks back then but I'm sure people were smart enough not to give a gun to the village idiot. 

Help me down off my soap box for a second to say isn't it too bad the term village idiot used anymore.  ...okay back up there.

This week I was witness to the dreaded state testing in the elementary school level.  I think last year at this time I devoted a whole blog to "testing."  Nothing has changed too much since then, actually, things have gotten worse.  The expectations are ridiculous for children as young as 8 or 9.  I, as a educated adult and a self proclaimed smarty pants had a little trouble with the questions asked on the 3rd grade ELA test....yep, 3rd grade.  I read the passage and looked at the questions and said WHAAA????   These kids must feel the way I do when I'm filling out insurance forms.   That was 3rd grade.  The 5th grade one must be like when you get that little book with your new cell phone.   Three days of this and next week will be 3 days of math because every 5th grader needs to know how much fruit  to buy in pounds, ounces, grams, drams(?) kilograms,  just buy the damn grapes!  Do these tests prove anything?  Yeah, a little ...it would be nice if we can get the results and go over the problems with the kids.   No, the results go to the state so they can see who gets more funding....and the schools with the best scores get more funding.  WHAAAA??   Put this math problem on the test.  If school A scored below average and school B scored above average and  if money is needed to help support the struggling kids in the lower scoring schools then.
A) School A should  get funding to help afford more resources
B) School B should get funding so more people will buy houses in School B's district
C) Let's create more tests so the corporation that makes these tests can get funding
D) Ask the village idiot
Let me answer that question with a question...What the fuck is wrong with people?  Some one is getting rich out there and the wealth is NOT being shared.

On the subject of money...let me ask what the fuck is wrong with people for personal reasons. 
As mentioned before, I work as a server in a restaurant (which should be mandatory for anyone who wishes to frequent restaurants)  I like this job, I have done it on and off since high school, paid for my college education and even bought my wedding dress with rolled up change (No, I didn't bring rolls of quarters to the bridal shop...only the village idiot would do that). So I waited on what I thought was a nice older couple.  They ate, drank and were merry, well  Mary ...Jo was their server.    They presented me with a gift certificate which made their dinner FREE, they had a FREE dinner and great service and did I mention a FREE dinner.  Tip:...2, count 'em 2 fucking dollars.  Really what the fuck is wrong with people?  Now if you are saying well maybe that's all they had (it's not) and maybe they were old (I'm old now too) They know better,  they've been in before, they are cheap, true ...but really that is insulting to someone who brought your food and may bring your food again. Karma baby

 Whatever ...it's been a crazy week with crazy people.  When I seriously ask the "question" in question I can only come up with the fact that most people are self absorbed and self-ish.   Think about when you talk to people,  some people, you can tell they are not really listening, they are just waiting to tell you their shit...."I did this" or "this happened to me"...now I know you can say well, that's conversation and  it's only human nature to be me oriented. But more and more I'm finding that people are more concerned with "what's in it for me" rather than "how can I help".  Too many selfish acts and not so many self less ones. 
I think it's time to step up humans....do something without reward, other than the reward of doing something.  There is good out there....like the people that ran toward  and not away from that horrible scene in Boston.   So let's not worry so much about money and do what's right.  Let's tip our servers ( I had to throw that in there).  Help each other out with out being asked.  Think about your audience before you start complaining about your woes....you know the "complaining about your shoes to a man with no legs" kind of thing...  Just take a second to think and not about just yourself...we can do it.  To quote an old song "we can change the world, rearrange the world..it's dying to get better".  Be kind humans,  remember it's not all about you....how can it be....when it's all about me, just kidding, just sayin