Saturday, January 25, 2014
MJust Sayin: Eat, Pray, Crush....
MJust Sayin: Eat, Pray, Crush....: .....Candy Crush that is. I must apologize to my faithful readers who are not familiar or are not fans of the game CANDY CRUSH SAGA. O....
Eat, Pray, Crush....
.....Candy Crush that is.
I must apologize to my faithful readers who are not familiar or are not fans of the game CANDY CRUSH SAGA.
O. M. G!
I started playing this little game on my phone while I was sitting in waiting rooms last year. I remember really enjoying that Bedazzled or Bejeweled game or what ever it was called. It was mindless and relaxing but fulfilled that little bit of competitiveness I have. I can hear you all laughing at me for calling myself a little competitive. That is like saying that they "kind of swear" in the Wolf of Wall Street. Anyway- this Candy game, I thought was the same kind of thing...line up three colors ...get points...AND it's candy! Doctor appointment after doctor appointment, waiting room after waiting room I would sit and play level after level and I would wonder "what did people do before this game"...would they just sit there...look at outdated magazines...God forbid...Talk? I mean it was mindless and really did help pass the time....and then some
"So you want to know what the doctor said?"
"yeah yeah yeah....one second... I have 4 moves .....DAMMIT!!!!!"
Okay I'm only kind of exaggerating, kind of. I guess I have a little bit of an addictive personality ( see above analogy).
As time went on, the game got more popular and more and more people I knew were playing this silly game. I would see friends that I haven't had contact with for years sending me a request for a "life" or a chance to advance to a new level. I had visions of these people sniffing and all shifty-like
"can you help me out man...I need one more life...c'mon we're old friends right?"
Once I realized how far this game had gone and how many people it had in its Candy Clutches, I felt like I could talk about it ...it was less a "dirty little secret " and more of a "guilty pleasure"
It was then I realized...Candy Crush is Life.
Now let me explain:
All kinds of people play this game. I can see from my Face Book friends list - young, old, rich poor. It is like the great equalizer! No matter where you are in the game, you are trying to get ahead. I see people on lower levels and higher levels and basically we are all out for the same outcome. Getting ahead. In life when you perceive someone as "having it all" and then you talk to them only to find they are the same as you...wanting certain things,- material and non-material things. Everything is relative ...no matter how much you have (money, standings, influence etc.) you never seem like you have enough. How can someone on Level 245 be complaining I ask you??
The frustration of life gets to you no matter what level you are on.
Sometimes it's smooth sailing ....you are pounding out reds and blues, striped candy , wrapped ones bang, bang, bang....next level please...I am the Queen of All Candy I am!
But then ..you get stuck. Stuck for days weeks...what the fuck! I will never get off this stinkin' level...what am I doing wrong? Like life...right? Things are going so awesome (and if you are Italian you are looking over your shoulder never quite enjoying it ), yet appreciating that life is good! Job is good, family -good and you find a $ 20 in your coat pocket or you get a refund check- weather is beautiful on your vacation- you are Leonardo on the front of the Titanic!!!
But then you get stuck! Job- sucks...you are mad at your entire family...."I thought I had a $20 in my wallet"..."I owe how much?" I just got my period!!!...of course it's raining
What the hell...who did I piss off? You kind of get stuck on a level...and you run on the hope that things will get better . Then this happens.. you see whole bunch of your friends there to give you a "life". One of those lives give you what you need to beat that level and move on. Occasionally someone in your life will give you a kind word, the hand you need , an invite for coffee or a drink and you get "unstuck" enough to move to your next "level".... which of course will be either smooth or most likely frustrating.(hey I'm Italian)
Your friends will get stuck too remember, so you need to give them a life when they ask...it's only fair! Their level may be more frustrating than you think. Those guys that seem so cool, they don't need your help do they? You bet your Goobers and Raisinettes they do! There is nothing better than hearing "I'm so glad you called" and knowing you may have made someone's life a little sweeter.
Of course we all know the feeling of - it's not fair...you kind of feel like a 4 year old when you say it - but really, it's not fair- and not for the reason that some people have more than others, that's true but that's not exactly what I mean. I'm playing a level and I think "I got this- no problem"-
I do the same thing I always do...but why didn't that big candy covered chocolate ball bust through everything like it always does! Uh yeah...life's like that... You work and work and they close your school and now the same thing happens to my sister's school (although it seems like their big chocolate candy is going to do the trick and hopefully keep their school open) You eat the right things and work out and usually you lose a pound or two....but not lately...I am doing the same thing I always do but I can't zip my jeans...what gives.??
Life's not fair - this game is certainly not fair! So, you try a new move and you give it a shot and zip goes your jeans! Hey whaddya know, you're on to the next level!
But wait, if that doesn't work, they ( who are they?) try to get you to BUY your way out of your failure,...don't do it!!! - although I have to admit, I have considered it at a weaker moment. I never have done it though, because I couldn't figure out how to do it or mainly I was too lazy to get my credit card. I suppose it's like buying your self something when you are depressed- you know, "retail therapy" . It doesn't really work...it's a quick fix.
Lately, I haven't been playing a whole lot of Candy Crush ....it was getting too frustrating. I took a break- I couldn't stand the sight of that creepy old timey guy and that little girl you see when you "fail" at a level. - I did start recently playing again, you know for research for this blog..."Just when I thought I was out...they pull me back in"
Since I just quoted Michael Corleone I'll get extra Italian on you and say
La vita รจ dolce - Life is Sweet!
Life is sweet as Candy- Crush!
So follow these rules of the game-
I must apologize to my faithful readers who are not familiar or are not fans of the game CANDY CRUSH SAGA.
O. M. G!
I started playing this little game on my phone while I was sitting in waiting rooms last year. I remember really enjoying that Bedazzled or Bejeweled game or what ever it was called. It was mindless and relaxing but fulfilled that little bit of competitiveness I have. I can hear you all laughing at me for calling myself a little competitive. That is like saying that they "kind of swear" in the Wolf of Wall Street. Anyway- this Candy game, I thought was the same kind of thing...line up three colors ...get points...AND it's candy! Doctor appointment after doctor appointment, waiting room after waiting room I would sit and play level after level and I would wonder "what did people do before this game"...would they just sit there...look at outdated magazines...God forbid...Talk? I mean it was mindless and really did help pass the time....and then some
"So you want to know what the doctor said?"
"yeah yeah yeah....one second... I have 4 moves .....DAMMIT!!!!!"
Okay I'm only kind of exaggerating, kind of. I guess I have a little bit of an addictive personality ( see above analogy).
As time went on, the game got more popular and more and more people I knew were playing this silly game. I would see friends that I haven't had contact with for years sending me a request for a "life" or a chance to advance to a new level. I had visions of these people sniffing and all shifty-like
"can you help me out man...I need one more life...c'mon we're old friends right?"
Once I realized how far this game had gone and how many people it had in its Candy Clutches, I felt like I could talk about it ...it was less a "dirty little secret " and more of a "guilty pleasure"
It was then I realized...Candy Crush is Life.
Now let me explain:
All kinds of people play this game. I can see from my Face Book friends list - young, old, rich poor. It is like the great equalizer! No matter where you are in the game, you are trying to get ahead. I see people on lower levels and higher levels and basically we are all out for the same outcome. Getting ahead. In life when you perceive someone as "having it all" and then you talk to them only to find they are the same as you...wanting certain things,- material and non-material things. Everything is relative ...no matter how much you have (money, standings, influence etc.) you never seem like you have enough. How can someone on Level 245 be complaining I ask you??
The frustration of life gets to you no matter what level you are on.
Sometimes it's smooth sailing ....you are pounding out reds and blues, striped candy , wrapped ones bang, bang, bang....next level please...I am the Queen of All Candy I am!
But then ..you get stuck. Stuck for days weeks...what the fuck! I will never get off this stinkin' level...what am I doing wrong? Like life...right? Things are going so awesome (and if you are Italian you are looking over your shoulder never quite enjoying it ), yet appreciating that life is good! Job is good, family -good and you find a $ 20 in your coat pocket or you get a refund check- weather is beautiful on your vacation- you are Leonardo on the front of the Titanic!!!
But then you get stuck! Job- sucks...you are mad at your entire family...."I thought I had a $20 in my wallet"..."I owe how much?" I just got my period!!!...of course it's raining
What the hell...who did I piss off? You kind of get stuck on a level...and you run on the hope that things will get better . Then this happens.. you see whole bunch of your friends there to give you a "life". One of those lives give you what you need to beat that level and move on. Occasionally someone in your life will give you a kind word, the hand you need , an invite for coffee or a drink and you get "unstuck" enough to move to your next "level".... which of course will be either smooth or most likely frustrating.(hey I'm Italian)
Your friends will get stuck too remember, so you need to give them a life when they ask...it's only fair! Their level may be more frustrating than you think. Those guys that seem so cool, they don't need your help do they? You bet your Goobers and Raisinettes they do! There is nothing better than hearing "I'm so glad you called" and knowing you may have made someone's life a little sweeter.
Of course we all know the feeling of - it's not fair...you kind of feel like a 4 year old when you say it - but really, it's not fair- and not for the reason that some people have more than others, that's true but that's not exactly what I mean. I'm playing a level and I think "I got this- no problem"-
I do the same thing I always do...but why didn't that big candy covered chocolate ball bust through everything like it always does! Uh yeah...life's like that... You work and work and they close your school and now the same thing happens to my sister's school (although it seems like their big chocolate candy is going to do the trick and hopefully keep their school open) You eat the right things and work out and usually you lose a pound or two....but not lately...I am doing the same thing I always do but I can't zip my jeans...what gives.??
Life's not fair - this game is certainly not fair! So, you try a new move and you give it a shot and zip goes your jeans! Hey whaddya know, you're on to the next level!
But wait, if that doesn't work, they ( who are they?) try to get you to BUY your way out of your failure,...don't do it!!! - although I have to admit, I have considered it at a weaker moment. I never have done it though, because I couldn't figure out how to do it or mainly I was too lazy to get my credit card. I suppose it's like buying your self something when you are depressed- you know, "retail therapy" . It doesn't really work...it's a quick fix.
Lately, I haven't been playing a whole lot of Candy Crush ....it was getting too frustrating. I took a break- I couldn't stand the sight of that creepy old timey guy and that little girl you see when you "fail" at a level. - I did start recently playing again, you know for research for this blog..."Just when I thought I was out...they pull me back in"
Since I just quoted Michael Corleone I'll get extra Italian on you and say
La vita รจ dolce - Life is Sweet!
Life is sweet as Candy- Crush!
So follow these rules of the game-
- Be happy and enjoy each level you are at, but never stop trying to be better!
- Help out your friends and be ready to accept when someone wants to help you out as well!
- Life's not always fair - but if you keep trying new avenues, you may make find it isn't fair for a reason and you need to discover a new way to get to your new level!
Sunday, January 5, 2014
"I got through all of last year...and I'm here"
During my Christmas break, in between the last minute shopping, the eating, the decorating, the eating, the cooking and the eating and the family gatherings which consisted of, you guessed it, I sat down and watched a documentary on Stephen Sondheim. I love him and usually when I hear a song from a musical that I really adore, it's by Stephen Sondheim. I didn't realize how many musicals he wrote the lyrics for- including "Gypsy", which is the musical I chose for this summer's production. The title of this first blog of 2014 comes the musical "Follies" by my friend Stephen. It's a song about endurance called "I'm Still Here" and that particular line just slapped me in the face as I was sitting on my couch....eating.
I know that everyone looks back at their year and says either "what a good year" or "well, that sucked." As usual, I fell somewhere in between as that same song calls "good times and bum times". That sounds about right. We started last year with good new - an all clear/no cancer from the doctor and it seemed like it will be business as usual. Doesn't everyone have to sweat out two PET SCANs per year when you walk around all day with your heart beating a mile a minute until you get the results? It is horrifying and reassuring at the same time. It's a part of my NEW NORMAL. The only way I can describe my New Normal is that I have taken up residency just outside of my comfort zone. The events of last year set me up in this nice little neighborhood on the corner of Awkward and Anxious and it looks like I'm staying.
When my job of 20 odd years ended last year, my colleagues and I were scattered through the district and placed in new schools. I was one of the "lucky" ones that was put in a completely new job. We all agreed the awkwardness of "where's this" "where's that" and "how do you do it at this school" and most importantly "where's the lunch room" (and bathroom for that matter) took a while to get over. On top of that I had to learn a whole new job with a whole new set of responsibilities and tasks that would have been a dream...maybe ten years ago or at the very least if it were my choice to leave my nice little job in Comfortville.
Well it wasn't so what the hell, right? Was this going to defeat me ...I mean have I ever turned down a challenge.
Did I turn down that Buff State frat boy's challenge to beer chugging contest?....No
Did I win?....No
Did excuse myself and throw up in the ladies room?....You bet I did.
So here it is years later and I am asked once again to a prove myself as someone who is up to the challenge.
Did I accept it? ....Yes
Am I doing okay?....I think so.
Did I thrown up in the ladies room? No, because I wasn't sure where it was.
That's a part of my New Normal and pretty soon it will just be normal, I hope.
It is unfortunate that I have to say I had to put my ailing 15 year old dog to sleep this past week and I am truly devastated. We had her since she was just six weeks old. We all piled into the car and drove out to East Shitville (this was before GPS) and rescued her from this disgusting trailer where they must have been burning a dog poop scented candle. It was so gross! It was a "go wait in the car kids" type of place where "lady" handed us the dog's AKC papers (for real?) carefully as to not burn them with her lit cigarette that she never put down once. So we took our little Cosette home, fleas and all which I am positive she caught from that lady. She was our lovely little pet until about 6 months ago or so when she just wasn't anymore. I read so much on the subject of when do you know it's time, and they all said essentially the same thing, : when they are not enjoying their life as a dog- it's already too late. The "soul went out of her eyes" was a phrase that stuck with me. So we started this new year with the actually not so tough decision of letting her sleep.... So my New Normal does not include my Cosette.
Last year was filled with caring for an ailing dog as well as an ailing Mom (please know that not at all do I mean to suggest they are on the same level but someday I will talk about the similarities,) Since August, my life consisted of hospital visits and chemo and the feeling that we are all one doctor appointment away from a life altering situation. But you get through it and her exhaustion and dizziness and wigs and how she has no eye lashes. well that's part of conversation in the New Normal.
I am also now preparing my self for an empty nest situation as my remaining kids that are home are moving out into a house my daughter purchased and I am okay with that.....no my jaws aren't clenched....that's how I always talk. But seriously, its a great thing and I am elated...it's time! None of my kids went away to college so I never had to deal with the separation. I provided the dorm life experience though ....drunk the most of the time, staying up late watching dumb movies, eating Ramen Noodles, gaining the Freshman 15....but enough about me.
Scary is it is...it will be the first time in a lot of years that it will be just me and him. Scary because we are kind of different people in the New Normal. I now sweat when it is -10 degrees outside. I can heat up leftovers with some of my hot flashes and fall asleep if I am sitting still for more than 5 minutes aaaand that's my normal now. It is also the normal of most of my friends which we laughed about the other day at our breakfast/lunch /are they ever going stop laughing and leave. As usual, after meeting with true friends, I leave feeling totally empowered as well as exhausted from laughing.
New Normal is where I feel like I handle things with a new outlook, I wouldn't call it maturity, anyone who knows me wouldn't call it maturity either. I was told one time I am like a kidadult ...one word .
I guess it's life experience and that the only thing you can count on is change. Sometimes bad but you know what, sometimes good.
In this New Normal I decided to give up my restaurant job for the time being to better handle my crazy schedule of work and family and musicals. For the first time in many years I won't have change for a fifty in my purse or "stripper money" as my daughter used to refer to it in front of the grocery store check out people thank you very much.
So I got through all of last year's trials and tribulations and the eminent changes I could see coming. But I am, as always, optimistic....how can you be anything but optimistic in January
Let's get back to Mr. Sondheim, who I will get to know quite well as "everything comes up roses" this summer. From that documentary I learned that he also wrote the lyrics for my favorite musical "West Side Story", I did not know that! To quote him again ( because everything goes back to musicals....do you not know that by now)
Could it be? Yes it could.
Something's coming, something good,
If I can wait!
I love it...of course that whole show ends up just horribly but that's besides the point. What an uplifting song though and I urge you to listen to it and you will feel the power... the feeling that "there's miracle due." It is so amazing to me that someone wrote that song (duh Stephen Sondheim) over 50 years ago and today it is relevant to me and I hope for some of you too. It's a great song with hope and promise, but alas it is sung by Tony, a Jet and with my skin tone and black hair...I would have totally been a Shark....just sayin'
I know that everyone looks back at their year and says either "what a good year" or "well, that sucked." As usual, I fell somewhere in between as that same song calls "good times and bum times". That sounds about right. We started last year with good new - an all clear/no cancer from the doctor and it seemed like it will be business as usual. Doesn't everyone have to sweat out two PET SCANs per year when you walk around all day with your heart beating a mile a minute until you get the results? It is horrifying and reassuring at the same time. It's a part of my NEW NORMAL. The only way I can describe my New Normal is that I have taken up residency just outside of my comfort zone. The events of last year set me up in this nice little neighborhood on the corner of Awkward and Anxious and it looks like I'm staying.
When my job of 20 odd years ended last year, my colleagues and I were scattered through the district and placed in new schools. I was one of the "lucky" ones that was put in a completely new job. We all agreed the awkwardness of "where's this" "where's that" and "how do you do it at this school" and most importantly "where's the lunch room" (and bathroom for that matter) took a while to get over. On top of that I had to learn a whole new job with a whole new set of responsibilities and tasks that would have been a dream...maybe ten years ago or at the very least if it were my choice to leave my nice little job in Comfortville.
Well it wasn't so what the hell, right? Was this going to defeat me ...I mean have I ever turned down a challenge.
Did I turn down that Buff State frat boy's challenge to beer chugging contest?....No
Did I win?....No
Did excuse myself and throw up in the ladies room?....You bet I did.
So here it is years later and I am asked once again to a prove myself as someone who is up to the challenge.
Did I accept it? ....Yes
Am I doing okay?....I think so.
Did I thrown up in the ladies room? No, because I wasn't sure where it was.
That's a part of my New Normal and pretty soon it will just be normal, I hope.
It is unfortunate that I have to say I had to put my ailing 15 year old dog to sleep this past week and I am truly devastated. We had her since she was just six weeks old. We all piled into the car and drove out to East Shitville (this was before GPS) and rescued her from this disgusting trailer where they must have been burning a dog poop scented candle. It was so gross! It was a "go wait in the car kids" type of place where "lady" handed us the dog's AKC papers (for real?) carefully as to not burn them with her lit cigarette that she never put down once. So we took our little Cosette home, fleas and all which I am positive she caught from that lady. She was our lovely little pet until about 6 months ago or so when she just wasn't anymore. I read so much on the subject of when do you know it's time, and they all said essentially the same thing, : when they are not enjoying their life as a dog- it's already too late. The "soul went out of her eyes" was a phrase that stuck with me. So we started this new year with the actually not so tough decision of letting her sleep.... So my New Normal does not include my Cosette.
Last year was filled with caring for an ailing dog as well as an ailing Mom (please know that not at all do I mean to suggest they are on the same level but someday I will talk about the similarities,) Since August, my life consisted of hospital visits and chemo and the feeling that we are all one doctor appointment away from a life altering situation. But you get through it and her exhaustion and dizziness and wigs and how she has no eye lashes. well that's part of conversation in the New Normal.
I am also now preparing my self for an empty nest situation as my remaining kids that are home are moving out into a house my daughter purchased and I am okay with that.....no my jaws aren't clenched....that's how I always talk. But seriously, its a great thing and I am elated...it's time! None of my kids went away to college so I never had to deal with the separation. I provided the dorm life experience though ....drunk the most of the time, staying up late watching dumb movies, eating Ramen Noodles, gaining the Freshman 15....but enough about me.
Scary is it is...it will be the first time in a lot of years that it will be just me and him. Scary because we are kind of different people in the New Normal. I now sweat when it is -10 degrees outside. I can heat up leftovers with some of my hot flashes and fall asleep if I am sitting still for more than 5 minutes aaaand that's my normal now. It is also the normal of most of my friends which we laughed about the other day at our breakfast/lunch /are they ever going stop laughing and leave. As usual, after meeting with true friends, I leave feeling totally empowered as well as exhausted from laughing.
New Normal is where I feel like I handle things with a new outlook, I wouldn't call it maturity, anyone who knows me wouldn't call it maturity either. I was told one time I am like a kidadult ...one word .
I guess it's life experience and that the only thing you can count on is change. Sometimes bad but you know what, sometimes good.
In this New Normal I decided to give up my restaurant job for the time being to better handle my crazy schedule of work and family and musicals. For the first time in many years I won't have change for a fifty in my purse or "stripper money" as my daughter used to refer to it in front of the grocery store check out people thank you very much.
So I got through all of last year's trials and tribulations and the eminent changes I could see coming. But I am, as always, optimistic....how can you be anything but optimistic in January
Let's get back to Mr. Sondheim, who I will get to know quite well as "everything comes up roses" this summer. From that documentary I learned that he also wrote the lyrics for my favorite musical "West Side Story", I did not know that! To quote him again ( because everything goes back to musicals....do you not know that by now)
Could it be? Yes it could.
Something's coming, something good,
If I can wait!
I love it...of course that whole show ends up just horribly but that's besides the point. What an uplifting song though and I urge you to listen to it and you will feel the power... the feeling that "there's miracle due." It is so amazing to me that someone wrote that song (duh Stephen Sondheim) over 50 years ago and today it is relevant to me and I hope for some of you too. It's a great song with hope and promise, but alas it is sung by Tony, a Jet and with my skin tone and black hair...I would have totally been a Shark....just sayin'
Saturday, December 14, 2013
It's Comin' on Christmas
"It's comin' on Christmas...They're cuttin' down trees..." That's the first line of the song River by Joni Mitchell. The first 35 seconds or so of that song just gets me, it reduces me to tears EVERY time I hear it. It's a haunting kind of song which has nothing to do with how I feel about Christmas. I love the song but I LOVE Christmas. I find it so funny because some of the shittiest events occurred during the Christmas season, but I still adore the whole bustling, stressful, shopping, when the hell am I going to have time to make cookies, wrap the damn gift in the car, family, friends and food of it all!
This week marked the year anniversary of my husband's cancer surgery. This time last year we weren't sure if that Christmas would be his last, or would there be chemo in our future or who knows what? Well, as many know, it was a very Merry Christmas last year as the cancer was caught in time. Little did I know there would be chemo in our future as my mom is struggling with the same awful disease and the same questions of "lasts" nag at me once again.
We shop, we wrap, we cook, we bake....it's comin of Christmas!
Eleven years ago, this time of year, again, we lost my sister-in-law. It was a couple days before Christmas when we drove down to say good bye to her and early the next morning, she was gone. It was tough, but we cooked, we ate, we wrapped, we opened, we shopped but this time for the pink shirts we were all to wear at her funeral. It didn't seem like Christmas too much that year, but I have a little gingerbread ornament hanging in my kitchen with an August date on it from when we DID celebrated Christmas that year. We baked, we gathered, we decorated ...it was hot, but it was her Christmas!
Holy shit though...I still love Christmas. After all is said and done, you look back on all the Christmases and some are better than others. Some years are just a blur of trying to get the kids asleep and trying to stay awake in order to make sure it looked like"Santa was here" and God help us if the cookies we left for him aren't gone. There were many a Christmas morning when I shoved those cookies in my mouth before the kids noticed. Come to think of it, I have started many mornings like that, Christmas or not. But as my children grew up, the mornings are not quite the same, yet I still feel compelled to make sure it looks like "Santa was here". This very well maybe the last year for that. as plans of moving out and buying houses are the conversations these days. Nope, doesn't matter.... still love Christmas.
There was one Christmas in particular that stands out in my mind. It was 24 years ago this week and we got a great present that year. A beautiful baby girl. Her due date was December 25 but because of having to have a C-section, we picked that date 12/12. That would get me home in plenty of time. I had already shopped, wrapped and baked knowing that I would be a little busier that usual that year. I was then reminded of my one of my grandmother's favorite saying "you make plans and God laughs" Well he must have been hysterical because my plans went horribly awry.
Thanks to the same wonderful God, my baby girl was healthy and dare I say perfect! It was me that was not so perfect it seemed. The frightening part was no one knew why. Doctors would come in scratch their heads and send me for tests. There was one doctor in particular with no bedside manner...I believe his name was Dr. Fucking Asshole and he said very sarcastically "get a tree in here she ain't going anywhere". I wanted to go home -I couldn't miss Christmas...who would remember to eat the cookies? Who would write Merry Christmas Love Santa on the black board easel Santa was bringing? Who would fill the stockings ?
About a week and a half later, my baby went home with out me while I had an additional surgery to un-obstruct my bowel. Then there was my gig in ICU for an very scary heart issue. I didn't think I would ever see another Christmas but my biggest fear was that my precious baby girl would always feel responsible if anything ever happened to me. I WOULD NOT let that be the case. I will spare the gory details (and they are pret-tay pret-tay gory) and just say that very early Christmas morning I was in a regular room with a monitor on my heart and a phone on my ear.
"don't forget to write Merry Christmas on the board and eat those cookies and take a bite out of the carrot you had better left for the reindeer" I met my entire family, IV pole and all, at the elevator. I'll never forget the looks on their beautiful faces when the doors opened. I did something I never thought I would do again....I kissed and hugged my kids and held my 13 day old baby that I hadn't seen or held for what seemed like an eternity. We spent Christmas day in the visitor waiting room of the hospital that year and it was GREAT. Since then I really try to not stress about the holiday. If I can have a baby, two surgeries and a heart problem and still pull off a great Christmas....what is there to stress about.
I know I didn't do it alone. Somebody up there likes...no, loves me! That I know, but I also think a certain jolly ol' man helped me out as well. I really do believe that is a spirit that gets us through these days.
Yes ....I believe in Santa Claus. Now I found out recently that I was never taken to see Santa as a little girl. Yeah...I couldn't believe it either. I never got a clear cut answer exacty why only that my sister and brother did.....more middle child bullshit I guess! But now I think it is very clear why I love Christmas.....my friends...
I have Santa Issues.
Yes, I will dress up in festive clothes at holiday parties and act like a Ho Ho Ho ....all because I never saw Santa.
I will secretly watch Christmas porn, you know Rudolph, the Grinch and Charlie Brown Christmas all by myself....no grandson around...just me
I have flashing lights in my house and drink eggnog and peppermint schnapps to access..
I am addicted to the white stuff...powdered sugar
I deck too many halls...
I make sure every one feels merry (wink wink)
My favorite reindeer...Vixen
I clearly have Santa issues.... When I watch Mad Men, sure I love Don Draper, but there is something about that Roger Sterling, ....could it be the white hair...
Coincidence, I think not.
So I wish my loyal blog readers a very Happy Holiday season....a Merry Merry Christmas. I hope this made you take the time away from your baking and wrapping and shopping and stressing to appreciate everything you have and cherish the memories you make at this beautiful time of year, good, bad or otherwise. Hug your family, have another cookie, and go ahead, buy yourself a present too. Listen to that Joni Mitchell song and get a little teary like I do and then put on Christmas Vacation and watch Chevy Chase whip down that hill on that sled and laugh your ass off...I do EVERY time....just sayin.
This week marked the year anniversary of my husband's cancer surgery. This time last year we weren't sure if that Christmas would be his last, or would there be chemo in our future or who knows what? Well, as many know, it was a very Merry Christmas last year as the cancer was caught in time. Little did I know there would be chemo in our future as my mom is struggling with the same awful disease and the same questions of "lasts" nag at me once again.
We shop, we wrap, we cook, we bake....it's comin of Christmas!
Eleven years ago, this time of year, again, we lost my sister-in-law. It was a couple days before Christmas when we drove down to say good bye to her and early the next morning, she was gone. It was tough, but we cooked, we ate, we wrapped, we opened, we shopped but this time for the pink shirts we were all to wear at her funeral. It didn't seem like Christmas too much that year, but I have a little gingerbread ornament hanging in my kitchen with an August date on it from when we DID celebrated Christmas that year. We baked, we gathered, we decorated ...it was hot, but it was her Christmas!
Holy shit though...I still love Christmas. After all is said and done, you look back on all the Christmases and some are better than others. Some years are just a blur of trying to get the kids asleep and trying to stay awake in order to make sure it looked like"Santa was here" and God help us if the cookies we left for him aren't gone. There were many a Christmas morning when I shoved those cookies in my mouth before the kids noticed. Come to think of it, I have started many mornings like that, Christmas or not. But as my children grew up, the mornings are not quite the same, yet I still feel compelled to make sure it looks like "Santa was here". This very well maybe the last year for that. as plans of moving out and buying houses are the conversations these days. Nope, doesn't matter.... still love Christmas.
There was one Christmas in particular that stands out in my mind. It was 24 years ago this week and we got a great present that year. A beautiful baby girl. Her due date was December 25 but because of having to have a C-section, we picked that date 12/12. That would get me home in plenty of time. I had already shopped, wrapped and baked knowing that I would be a little busier that usual that year. I was then reminded of my one of my grandmother's favorite saying "you make plans and God laughs" Well he must have been hysterical because my plans went horribly awry.
Thanks to the same wonderful God, my baby girl was healthy and dare I say perfect! It was me that was not so perfect it seemed. The frightening part was no one knew why. Doctors would come in scratch their heads and send me for tests. There was one doctor in particular with no bedside manner...I believe his name was Dr. Fucking Asshole and he said very sarcastically "get a tree in here she ain't going anywhere". I wanted to go home -I couldn't miss Christmas...who would remember to eat the cookies? Who would write Merry Christmas Love Santa on the black board easel Santa was bringing? Who would fill the stockings ?
About a week and a half later, my baby went home with out me while I had an additional surgery to un-obstruct my bowel. Then there was my gig in ICU for an very scary heart issue. I didn't think I would ever see another Christmas but my biggest fear was that my precious baby girl would always feel responsible if anything ever happened to me. I WOULD NOT let that be the case. I will spare the gory details (and they are pret-tay pret-tay gory) and just say that very early Christmas morning I was in a regular room with a monitor on my heart and a phone on my ear.
"don't forget to write Merry Christmas on the board and eat those cookies and take a bite out of the carrot you had better left for the reindeer" I met my entire family, IV pole and all, at the elevator. I'll never forget the looks on their beautiful faces when the doors opened. I did something I never thought I would do again....I kissed and hugged my kids and held my 13 day old baby that I hadn't seen or held for what seemed like an eternity. We spent Christmas day in the visitor waiting room of the hospital that year and it was GREAT. Since then I really try to not stress about the holiday. If I can have a baby, two surgeries and a heart problem and still pull off a great Christmas....what is there to stress about.
I know I didn't do it alone. Somebody up there likes...no, loves me! That I know, but I also think a certain jolly ol' man helped me out as well. I really do believe that is a spirit that gets us through these days.
Yes ....I believe in Santa Claus. Now I found out recently that I was never taken to see Santa as a little girl. Yeah...I couldn't believe it either. I never got a clear cut answer exacty why only that my sister and brother did.....more middle child bullshit I guess! But now I think it is very clear why I love Christmas.....my friends...
I have Santa Issues.
Yes, I will dress up in festive clothes at holiday parties and act like a Ho Ho Ho ....all because I never saw Santa.
I will secretly watch Christmas porn, you know Rudolph, the Grinch and Charlie Brown Christmas all by myself....no grandson around...just me
I have flashing lights in my house and drink eggnog and peppermint schnapps to access..
I am addicted to the white stuff...powdered sugar
I deck too many halls...
I make sure every one feels merry (wink wink)
My favorite reindeer...Vixen
I clearly have Santa issues.... When I watch Mad Men, sure I love Don Draper, but there is something about that Roger Sterling, ....could it be the white hair...
Coincidence, I think not.
So I wish my loyal blog readers a very Happy Holiday season....a Merry Merry Christmas. I hope this made you take the time away from your baking and wrapping and shopping and stressing to appreciate everything you have and cherish the memories you make at this beautiful time of year, good, bad or otherwise. Hug your family, have another cookie, and go ahead, buy yourself a present too. Listen to that Joni Mitchell song and get a little teary like I do and then put on Christmas Vacation and watch Chevy Chase whip down that hill on that sled and laugh your ass off...I do EVERY time....just sayin.
Monday, November 25, 2013
I'm Thankful for Peas
I am always blown away by the passage of time. They say you blink and years fly by...it is so true. I can't believe how old my kids are. I can't believe how old my friends are....yeah, yeah, yeah -I can't believe how old I am too. Any how, this particular blog title shows the passage of time because it was uttered by my son a mere 25 years ago. He was sitting in his high chair while we were all preparing for the big Thanksgiving meal. He must have overheard us talking and said he was "thankful for peas" ( I should have known then he would wind up in the food industry). Well, my big obnoxious Sicilian family thought he said he was thankful for PEACE...."Oh my God ...did you hear what he said God Bless him" "I can't believe it, God Bless him" "He is so sweet, God Bless him". Seriously, the kid was covered with peas and they had him pegged as the new Gandhi. But that is my big, obnoxious Sicilian family.(God Bless 'em)..and I'm thankful for them, So in the spirit of the season, here, in no particular order, are some of the things I am thankful for:
I am thankful for, of course, my family and my children but I am also thankful for my animals. There is nothing like sitting on the couch and have one of my many pets come and plop down on my lap. They know when you're feeling down or if you are ill. They sense things, like when my daughter was pregnant, they knew not to jump up on her. It is uncanny how they know. They are so sweet and entertaining and dependable. I know every morning my two cats will join me in the bathroom and watch the toilet flush...their little heads circling ...they are like the "we are Siamese if you please"cats from Lady and the Tramp. I am thankful for my non human family!
I am thankful that after months of stressing, I wound up in a new position that really suits me and I'm in an office surrounded by wonderful characters and supportive people and friends where I feel like I can be myself...eventually. I am still watching my language a little and trying not to be too inappropriate. Oh well, we all know it's just a fucking matter of time.
I am thankful for Happy Hour where I meet up every Friday with my "girls" from the old school. People roll their eyes when we said we would stay connected , but a shit ton of Jack and Cokes later, we have. I am so thankful for these people and the fact that we make the effort . That is an amazing thing especially when you realize how quickly you can fall off of some one's plate. I know that everyone is busy and life has a way of moving on, but a text, a let's get together, a "how's your mom doing" goes a long way in my book. I am thankful for my friends old and new!
I am thankful for Bruce Springsteen. I am obsessed, I admit it, but when a song by the Boss comes on , I am 17 years old again. I have seen him over a dozen times, with friends, with my husband (who always says he will never go to another concert with me again...just because the ONE time they guys behind us lifted me up in the air when he played Rosalita. and the ONE time I teared up when he opened with Tunnel of Love) I have even seen him a couple of times with my son, which is so awesome ...but my favorite concert partner is my sister in law...who has seen him I think 3 more times than I have. One day we will finagle our way up to the front....I know we will. I am thankful for the faith that "there's magic in the night"
I am thankful for the fact that my husband's latest colonoscopy did not turn out like the last time. They did find a polyp but they did not call us immediately with that news that no one wants to hear, especially at Thanksgiving. I am thankful for no news is good news!
I am thankful for the "remember the time" people in my life, both family and friends. The time at the Taste of Buffalo when the old guy smashed an ice cream cone like he was Godzilla walking through Tokyo. The time we went to that church and there was like 100 bottle of maple syrup on the shelves in the rectory. The time we met those guys at Angola on the lake (yeah I married one of 'em) The time at the cottage in Canada and that Battleship game with that kid and how EVERYONE we knew came to that garbage pail party. The "don't take a year" ice cream story. That "AHHH Freak Out" Mexican Train game". The time we talked each other through turning 50. ...right down to the minute. Those are just a few of many times that I am thankful for.
I am thankful for musicals. Musical have brought me years and years of happiness. Starting with listening to Camelot, Funny Girl, The Bells are Ringing and Hello Dolly with my sister to eventually being able to sing the entire score of Jesus Christ Superstar( including all the record skips ). Musicals have brought me the best friends I could have ever dreamt of having. Sitting with the altos at 16, I would have never have imagined still having breakfast with these girls, being grandmas together and especially, providing the opportunity for other 16 year olds to find their sole mates. I am thankful that everything I know I learned from watching, performing in and directing musicals. How long does it takes to get from Buffalo to Fredonia? The entire score of Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat .Thank you very much!
I am so thankful for this little 3 1/2 year old guy who calls me Gaga. I can't believe the happiness I feel when I am with him. I don't think I could have made it through this past year with out him. When things are at their worst, his laugh, his hugs and his little snarky sense of humor (already) makes me so thankful that he and all my kids, for that matter, are so close. Close as in where we live and close in our hearts. I am thankful my kids are so close to each other too. I was not close to my sister growing up but I don't know what I would do with out her now. With everything we are going through, our coffee getaways are better than any therapy session. I know she would say "the same to you"
I am thankful that after about 30 years, I was reunited with my friend Tommy because it was only a short time after that reunion that he passed away. I am thankful for that brief time and that when the temperature drops I will always say "Brrrrritney Sprears it's cold outside" in his honor. I miss him everyday. I also miss my sister in law, who was also taken way too soon. I miss her terribly, but I will always remember something she said as well. In her last days I remember her saying that she had the "perfect life". I was taken aback by that at first. For years she battled cancer among other things and her life was not easy looking from the outside...but to her, it was perfect and I don't think she would mind at all if I borrowed her words.
A lot of shit has happened recently, I laugh a lot, I cry a lot. I am hurt by some people but there are those I adore. I lose my shit more than I'd like to admit. I am sometimes so tired that I can't even see straight, but I will always stay for "just one more" beer. Sometimes stupid things like money issues get me down but I also know more that anyone that the best things in life aren't things....so as I prepare for an exhausting week of family and friends ..... I am thankful to be aggravated , overwhelmed, hysterical, bone weary, full of food, full of gratitude and full of joy.
To quote my guardian angel..,".I am thankful for my Perfect Life".....just saying
I am thankful for, of course, my family and my children but I am also thankful for my animals. There is nothing like sitting on the couch and have one of my many pets come and plop down on my lap. They know when you're feeling down or if you are ill. They sense things, like when my daughter was pregnant, they knew not to jump up on her. It is uncanny how they know. They are so sweet and entertaining and dependable. I know every morning my two cats will join me in the bathroom and watch the toilet flush...their little heads circling ...they are like the "we are Siamese if you please"cats from Lady and the Tramp. I am thankful for my non human family!
I am thankful that after months of stressing, I wound up in a new position that really suits me and I'm in an office surrounded by wonderful characters and supportive people and friends where I feel like I can be myself...eventually. I am still watching my language a little and trying not to be too inappropriate. Oh well, we all know it's just a fucking matter of time.
I am thankful for Happy Hour where I meet up every Friday with my "girls" from the old school. People roll their eyes when we said we would stay connected , but a shit ton of Jack and Cokes later, we have. I am so thankful for these people and the fact that we make the effort . That is an amazing thing especially when you realize how quickly you can fall off of some one's plate. I know that everyone is busy and life has a way of moving on, but a text, a let's get together, a "how's your mom doing" goes a long way in my book. I am thankful for my friends old and new!
I am thankful for Bruce Springsteen. I am obsessed, I admit it, but when a song by the Boss comes on , I am 17 years old again. I have seen him over a dozen times, with friends, with my husband (who always says he will never go to another concert with me again...just because the ONE time they guys behind us lifted me up in the air when he played Rosalita. and the ONE time I teared up when he opened with Tunnel of Love) I have even seen him a couple of times with my son, which is so awesome ...but my favorite concert partner is my sister in law...who has seen him I think 3 more times than I have. One day we will finagle our way up to the front....I know we will. I am thankful for the faith that "there's magic in the night"
I am thankful for the fact that my husband's latest colonoscopy did not turn out like the last time. They did find a polyp but they did not call us immediately with that news that no one wants to hear, especially at Thanksgiving. I am thankful for no news is good news!
I am thankful for the "remember the time" people in my life, both family and friends. The time at the Taste of Buffalo when the old guy smashed an ice cream cone like he was Godzilla walking through Tokyo. The time we went to that church and there was like 100 bottle of maple syrup on the shelves in the rectory. The time we met those guys at Angola on the lake (yeah I married one of 'em) The time at the cottage in Canada and that Battleship game with that kid and how EVERYONE we knew came to that garbage pail party. The "don't take a year" ice cream story. That "AHHH Freak Out" Mexican Train game". The time we talked each other through turning 50. ...right down to the minute. Those are just a few of many times that I am thankful for.
I am thankful for musicals. Musical have brought me years and years of happiness. Starting with listening to Camelot, Funny Girl, The Bells are Ringing and Hello Dolly with my sister to eventually being able to sing the entire score of Jesus Christ Superstar( including all the record skips ). Musicals have brought me the best friends I could have ever dreamt of having. Sitting with the altos at 16, I would have never have imagined still having breakfast with these girls, being grandmas together and especially, providing the opportunity for other 16 year olds to find their sole mates. I am thankful that everything I know I learned from watching, performing in and directing musicals. How long does it takes to get from Buffalo to Fredonia? The entire score of Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat .Thank you very much!
I am so thankful for this little 3 1/2 year old guy who calls me Gaga. I can't believe the happiness I feel when I am with him. I don't think I could have made it through this past year with out him. When things are at their worst, his laugh, his hugs and his little snarky sense of humor (already) makes me so thankful that he and all my kids, for that matter, are so close. Close as in where we live and close in our hearts. I am thankful my kids are so close to each other too. I was not close to my sister growing up but I don't know what I would do with out her now. With everything we are going through, our coffee getaways are better than any therapy session. I know she would say "the same to you"
I am thankful that after about 30 years, I was reunited with my friend Tommy because it was only a short time after that reunion that he passed away. I am thankful for that brief time and that when the temperature drops I will always say "Brrrrritney Sprears it's cold outside" in his honor. I miss him everyday. I also miss my sister in law, who was also taken way too soon. I miss her terribly, but I will always remember something she said as well. In her last days I remember her saying that she had the "perfect life". I was taken aback by that at first. For years she battled cancer among other things and her life was not easy looking from the outside...but to her, it was perfect and I don't think she would mind at all if I borrowed her words.
A lot of shit has happened recently, I laugh a lot, I cry a lot. I am hurt by some people but there are those I adore. I lose my shit more than I'd like to admit. I am sometimes so tired that I can't even see straight, but I will always stay for "just one more" beer. Sometimes stupid things like money issues get me down but I also know more that anyone that the best things in life aren't things....so as I prepare for an exhausting week of family and friends ..... I am thankful to be aggravated , overwhelmed, hysterical, bone weary, full of food, full of gratitude and full of joy.
To quote my guardian angel..,".I am thankful for my Perfect Life".....just saying
Wednesday, November 6, 2013
Six Degrees of Jubilation
Someone recently asked me when the next installment of MJust Sayin was going to be ready. I thought long and hard before I sarcastically answered "when I have something happy to write about". I have been in a slump lately...a rut ...or what is known (to a chosen few) as the LIFE TROUGH. Now everyone is probably well aware of my family health situation, but that being said, I have been very negative lately. It seems like I am in a downward spiral of bitch, (that would be a great title for a soap opera). So in a Scarlett O'Hara moment....I made a conscious decision...."with God as my witness." to be.... happy
I decided that even if I am not in a very happy time of life....I can recall the things that make me happy...go ahead say it "go to your happy place". Now I am generally a positive, glass half full type of person. I really am...I remember being told one time that "not everything is funny, you know"...but....it kind of is... for the most part anyway. So being that person, I have found a bunch of things that make me happy. Some are big, grand events that I look back on and some are simple little things that most people don't even notice. The births of my children/grandchild/nieces & nephews (related or unrelated) of course make up a chunk of the happiest moments ever. That is kind of what they call a given. But there were certain days that even when I was in it, I knew... this is an "as good as it gets" moment.
About six years ago, my three kids and I piled in a car at midnight and drove through the night to New York City to see a friend of ours in a real live Broadway show. We went to this awesome show along with our favorite NYC Goomadi. Like that wasn't enough to make a memory or two After the show we made our way to the stage door . There was a crowd of adoring fans which we maneuvered through and caught the eye of the guy at the door. We said who we were and he said ..."right this way" and escorted us in, much to the hatred of the mere peons on the street... I remember saying "Hey we are finally as cool as we are always pretending to be". We met some of the cast and went to dinner with our Broadway star friend. Walking down the street on that warm July evening, I knew...this is a good day, one that I will always remember as pretty close to perfect.
Many of my happy moments are NYC/NJ based. Sitting on a roof top with good friends having Mojitos...watching my kids see the ocean for the first time and then years later, laughing uncontrollably while we got knocked around by the waves . going backstage at Saturday Night Live, having a handsome waiter comment on my smile as he took a picture of us. Those are all good 'go to" moments to savor on the drive home from the cancer ward of a hospital.
Five years ago I directed my first musical. Godspell... and I honestly did not know what the fuck I was doing. For some reason taking on this task at the same time we were planning a wedding (show- one weekend/wedding the next) seemed like a perfectly sane thing to do..Now I've never smoked crack, but I would image it's the feeling of pure joy and intense fear and having really no true control over anything yet watching it all unfold in front of you. For the record both events were wildly successful and I look back on that time with true happiness as they both were interwoven and life changing. On the first day of rehearsal, I suggested to this group of strangers, that it would be so cool if everyone came to the church for the wedding and surprise my daughter/our choreographer with one of the songs from the show that she had also chosen for the service.(..Godspell....God....church,.... see how this all fits.)
Fast forward six weeks later and in the back of the church sat these once strangers, now "family". I know the thought was "how sweet they came to the wedding" but when the song started and these kids stood up and filled the church with gorgeous harmonies ...it was honestly one of the most incredible moments and the beautiful, surprised look on my daughter's face is burned in my mind and heart forever.
So when I find myself looking for some cute hats and pretty scarves to bring to my mom who now lost all her hair....I think of the song "All Good Gifts" and that amazing summer.
Now its not all about good times and great days....little things make me happy too. Like making all the lights on Sheridan Drive...looking at a digital clock and the time is your birthday (3:31 in case anyone forgot) or when its 12:34 ....it's crazy how many time I look at the clock right at that 1234 time....day or night, it always makes me smile. ( yeah, I'm kind of low maintenance)
.
Working in a restaurant offers moments of happy ....sometimes. Of course getting a giant tip is great, but bear with me here. After a crazy shitstorm night (like yesterday) when the place is packed and you are actually questioning your existence, you get through it with a strange feeling of accomplishment and a pocket filled with wads of money. You'd think that is good enough ...but as you go to set up the place, that looks like Viet Nam, you grab a random hand full of silver ware and napkins etc, and just so happens you grabbed the EXACT NUMBER of everything you need, I LOVE THAT. That makes me so happy in a sad way that only other freaky, Anthony Bourdain lovin' restaurant people will understand.
So I guess I just got buried in all the negative things that were happening that I forgot about all the "good gift around us."..simple or not they keep me going and bring me back to that happy place. Like.......
I decided that even if I am not in a very happy time of life....I can recall the things that make me happy...go ahead say it "go to your happy place". Now I am generally a positive, glass half full type of person. I really am...I remember being told one time that "not everything is funny, you know"...but....it kind of is... for the most part anyway. So being that person, I have found a bunch of things that make me happy. Some are big, grand events that I look back on and some are simple little things that most people don't even notice. The births of my children/grandchild/nieces & nephews (related or unrelated) of course make up a chunk of the happiest moments ever. That is kind of what they call a given. But there were certain days that even when I was in it, I knew... this is an "as good as it gets" moment.
About six years ago, my three kids and I piled in a car at midnight and drove through the night to New York City to see a friend of ours in a real live Broadway show. We went to this awesome show along with our favorite NYC Goomadi. Like that wasn't enough to make a memory or two After the show we made our way to the stage door . There was a crowd of adoring fans which we maneuvered through and caught the eye of the guy at the door. We said who we were and he said ..."right this way" and escorted us in, much to the hatred of the mere peons on the street... I remember saying "Hey we are finally as cool as we are always pretending to be". We met some of the cast and went to dinner with our Broadway star friend. Walking down the street on that warm July evening, I knew...this is a good day, one that I will always remember as pretty close to perfect.
Many of my happy moments are NYC/NJ based. Sitting on a roof top with good friends having Mojitos...watching my kids see the ocean for the first time and then years later, laughing uncontrollably while we got knocked around by the waves . going backstage at Saturday Night Live, having a handsome waiter comment on my smile as he took a picture of us. Those are all good 'go to" moments to savor on the drive home from the cancer ward of a hospital.
Five years ago I directed my first musical. Godspell... and I honestly did not know what the fuck I was doing. For some reason taking on this task at the same time we were planning a wedding (show- one weekend/wedding the next) seemed like a perfectly sane thing to do..Now I've never smoked crack, but I would image it's the feeling of pure joy and intense fear and having really no true control over anything yet watching it all unfold in front of you. For the record both events were wildly successful and I look back on that time with true happiness as they both were interwoven and life changing. On the first day of rehearsal, I suggested to this group of strangers, that it would be so cool if everyone came to the church for the wedding and surprise my daughter/our choreographer with one of the songs from the show that she had also chosen for the service.(..Godspell....God....church,.... see how this all fits.)
Fast forward six weeks later and in the back of the church sat these once strangers, now "family". I know the thought was "how sweet they came to the wedding" but when the song started and these kids stood up and filled the church with gorgeous harmonies ...it was honestly one of the most incredible moments and the beautiful, surprised look on my daughter's face is burned in my mind and heart forever.
So when I find myself looking for some cute hats and pretty scarves to bring to my mom who now lost all her hair....I think of the song "All Good Gifts" and that amazing summer.
Now its not all about good times and great days....little things make me happy too. Like making all the lights on Sheridan Drive...looking at a digital clock and the time is your birthday (3:31 in case anyone forgot) or when its 12:34 ....it's crazy how many time I look at the clock right at that 1234 time....day or night, it always makes me smile. ( yeah, I'm kind of low maintenance)
.
Working in a restaurant offers moments of happy ....sometimes. Of course getting a giant tip is great, but bear with me here. After a crazy shitstorm night (like yesterday) when the place is packed and you are actually questioning your existence, you get through it with a strange feeling of accomplishment and a pocket filled with wads of money. You'd think that is good enough ...but as you go to set up the place, that looks like Viet Nam, you grab a random hand full of silver ware and napkins etc, and just so happens you grabbed the EXACT NUMBER of everything you need, I LOVE THAT. That makes me so happy in a sad way that only other freaky, Anthony Bourdain lovin' restaurant people will understand.
So I guess I just got buried in all the negative things that were happening that I forgot about all the "good gift around us."..simple or not they keep me going and bring me back to that happy place. Like.......
A curtain call...when the applause swells and someone "woos" (it actually makes me teary eyed)
When my grandson decided to call me Gaga..
True Laughter.... I heard this line somewhere "the moment your laugh becomes a chuckle"
When someone gets your references...doesn't everyone know who Rocky Dennis is....I guess not.
That first kiss....
Zipping up a pair of jeans that didn't always fit
...and on the other hand,,,, CAKE!!!!
Happy Hour ( duh it's right in the name)
A good shower, not your everyday one but a real good one, like after a day at the beach
The right pair of shoes
...and to come full circle...someone asking me when my next blog is because they really look forward to it.Yeah, it's been quite a year or so and I don't know how much longer this will continue but these little escapes into "happy land" remind me how blessed I am. While I'm on the subject I'm a little annoyed at how people are totally abusing the word "blessed" these days...just because your life seems to be going your way at the moment- it doesn't always warrant a hashtag ...."got what I wanted#blessed." Seriously, think about what it really means to be blessed. Hmmmm, I guess this might be a little foreshadowing, I mean if I can write about all the things that make happy, you know damn well I am ready to list all the shit that fucking PISSES ME OFF.....just sayin
Monday, October 7, 2013
Pressure Cooker
Everyone has heard of stress eaters...well I'm a stress cooker. I prefer the term Pressure Cooker because I like the cartoon visual attached to it. This pot-type contraption with gauges and dials spinning out of control, steam escaping from the lid, a "run for your lives" aura about it. Yep, that sounds about right. I realized recently that I have been cooking an awful lot lately. Now here's an understatement: I have been under some stress for the last 12 months or so, the last couple of months especially.
Now not to say I haven't done my share of stress eating. I have. I do believe I'm more of a social eater. I can successfully diet for weeks and weeks but only if there is some kind of solitary confinement involved. Put me in a social situation and it's..cake? OKAY big piece? HELL YEAH! I was told once that I eat like I'm in a competition...and in one embarrassingly proud moment , after finishing a plate of ribs, the server came to he table said " the guys in the kitchen were betting you wouldn't be able eat all that". You lose bitches!
I love eating but I really enjoy cooking. I think I like it because there's a beginning, a middle and an end and the end =eating...You sit around and say what should we eat...what do we have in the house- the beginning. You chop and mix and marinate and fry, bake or boil -the middle . Then you eat and if all goes well you hear the "mmmm-ing" and the "I can't believe you made this"- the end.
I love the freedom of cooking but I am not a fan of baking (too much measuring ) although it is starting to grow on me...literally- like on my big ass.
I also love the predictability of cooking. To paraphrase a scene from the movie Julie & Julia (about a food blogger cooking her way through the Julia Child cookbook) I love the idea that no matter what is going on in the world I know that if I melt butter add some flour ... I can make a roux which can be a gravy or a wine sauce or a cheese sauce. There is great comfort in that for me.
Now because I can't really do anything medically to help my parents or my husband.... so I cook. Here is what the doctor ordered
Knee surgery- 12 bean soup with ham and kielbasa, chili (with too many peppers I was told) Potato and Ham and cheese soup.
Hip surgery - baked macaroni with chicken sausage meat balls and beans and greens with bacon.
For the various cancers - a couple variations of chicken soup, pasta zucchini and pepperoni sauce, chocolate zucchini bread. cracker crusted cod with bowtie pasta/ fall vegetables medley
Now add the new job stress Most recently, today in fact, I came home after being in lockdown at school. Because of a crazed neighbor with a house full of guns which he burned to the ground- I thought what anybody else would in my situation....FRIED CHICKEN
Cooking, to me, is a form of control. I visit my mom, who does not seem to be improving very much physically and not at all mentally. I try to talk to her and tell her how she has to get herself up off the couch. She says she will- but doesn't do it or won't do it....not without me anyway....I feel guilty because I can't be there to help her all the time...I just can't = PORK ROAST. I have a new job, which I really like, but it's new and it's different and it's quite a bit of work=SPAGHETTI SQUASH WITH MUSHROOMS AND SPINACH SAUTEED IN OLIVE OIL AND GARLIC TOPPED WITH FRESH MOZZARELLA. My newest stress is my sweet little cocker spaniel, Cosette, who will celebrate her 15 birthday this month, is clearly (sigh) on her way out..... three words
CHICKEN. POT. PIE.
SO many things are out of my control but I knew that if I added a few mini chocolate chips to my angel food cake with strawberry sauce, it would make it better ....and it did ...on so many levels.
Now I find it funny that I am not married to a "foodie". He likes to eat and I know he likes my cooking....though he never rarely says...but he is not a foodie ( I'm not sure I like that word) ...I do have a couple food lovers in my life and I think if I was married to either of them I would be huge HUGE....like piano case for a coffin huge... like has to be cut out of my apartment huge. So I guess that is the balance of life, the recipe if you will. Since cooking together is a very intimate thing... I have F- Buddies...the F being food, ya perverts.
But I do find it completely natural that my son is a cook by trade and an awesome cook at that. I guess it's in the blood....he knows exactly what to add to what and when. His motto bacon goes with everything....I have never been prouder. . I love that for the last few Christmas mornings we spent it making sauce and this past year BRACIOLE. (with bacon)-yum
I love food ! When I first thought about starting a blog I thought maybe I'd write about food. But instead, I began writing about my musicals. I actually have a great idea for a Food Network show. Pick a Broadway musical and I would make some dishes inspired by it....For example Sound of Music- crisp apple streudels and schnitzel with noodles. Get it ...a few of her favorite things? I would call it SOUND BITES....yesssssss!
It even works with movies ...I can make something with "garlic sliced with a razor blade so thin it liquefies in the pan" ala GOODFELLAS which has one of the best food related lines in movies..."Tomorrow we eat SANGwiches".
Food is connected with so many memories....I can remember the first time I had a shrimp cocktail...I think I was six. At that time of my life I was a scrawny kid. I (believe it or not) was seriously under weight. My grandfather called me "little one". My mom used to give me all kinds of things to help boost my weight...I don't think she read the small print because I think it said "may take 30 years to kick in"
Kick in it did with a vengeance...
Yes I will continue my love affair with food . I will cook my way through the hard times and situations that I have no control over. I cook for myself and for others and I am the boss for a change. I will begrudgingly watch my carbs and stick with whole wheat pastas and chicken and fish...on the weekdays and I will fill my weekends baking and creating new recipes because I can control this...if only this.
So as we wait to hear if my mom is healthy enough for chemo this week...again, out of my hands ....I'm thinking SEAFOOD BISQUE. I will bring her some and hopefully she will eat it and get stronger because she looks like she is wasting away. It's awful but it's not only because she is sick...as she says when you get older you lose your appetite....Seriously?...when does this happen? Does this also take 30 years to kick in---just sayin'
Now not to say I haven't done my share of stress eating. I have. I do believe I'm more of a social eater. I can successfully diet for weeks and weeks but only if there is some kind of solitary confinement involved. Put me in a social situation and it's..cake? OKAY big piece? HELL YEAH! I was told once that I eat like I'm in a competition...and in one embarrassingly proud moment , after finishing a plate of ribs, the server came to he table said " the guys in the kitchen were betting you wouldn't be able eat all that". You lose bitches!
I love eating but I really enjoy cooking. I think I like it because there's a beginning, a middle and an end and the end =eating...You sit around and say what should we eat...what do we have in the house- the beginning. You chop and mix and marinate and fry, bake or boil -the middle . Then you eat and if all goes well you hear the "mmmm-ing" and the "I can't believe you made this"- the end.
I love the freedom of cooking but I am not a fan of baking (too much measuring ) although it is starting to grow on me...literally- like on my big ass.
I also love the predictability of cooking. To paraphrase a scene from the movie Julie & Julia (about a food blogger cooking her way through the Julia Child cookbook) I love the idea that no matter what is going on in the world I know that if I melt butter add some flour ... I can make a roux which can be a gravy or a wine sauce or a cheese sauce. There is great comfort in that for me.
Now because I can't really do anything medically to help my parents or my husband.... so I cook. Here is what the doctor ordered
Knee surgery- 12 bean soup with ham and kielbasa, chili (with too many peppers I was told) Potato and Ham and cheese soup.
Hip surgery - baked macaroni with chicken sausage meat balls and beans and greens with bacon.
For the various cancers - a couple variations of chicken soup, pasta zucchini and pepperoni sauce, chocolate zucchini bread. cracker crusted cod with bowtie pasta/ fall vegetables medley
Now add the new job stress Most recently, today in fact, I came home after being in lockdown at school. Because of a crazed neighbor with a house full of guns which he burned to the ground- I thought what anybody else would in my situation....FRIED CHICKEN
Cooking, to me, is a form of control. I visit my mom, who does not seem to be improving very much physically and not at all mentally. I try to talk to her and tell her how she has to get herself up off the couch. She says she will- but doesn't do it or won't do it....not without me anyway....I feel guilty because I can't be there to help her all the time...I just can't = PORK ROAST. I have a new job, which I really like, but it's new and it's different and it's quite a bit of work=SPAGHETTI SQUASH WITH MUSHROOMS AND SPINACH SAUTEED IN OLIVE OIL AND GARLIC TOPPED WITH FRESH MOZZARELLA. My newest stress is my sweet little cocker spaniel, Cosette, who will celebrate her 15 birthday this month, is clearly (sigh) on her way out..... three words
CHICKEN. POT. PIE.
SO many things are out of my control but I knew that if I added a few mini chocolate chips to my angel food cake with strawberry sauce, it would make it better ....and it did ...on so many levels.
Now I find it funny that I am not married to a "foodie". He likes to eat and I know he likes my cooking....though he never rarely says...but he is not a foodie ( I'm not sure I like that word) ...I do have a couple food lovers in my life and I think if I was married to either of them I would be huge HUGE....like piano case for a coffin huge... like has to be cut out of my apartment huge. So I guess that is the balance of life, the recipe if you will. Since cooking together is a very intimate thing... I have F- Buddies...the F being food, ya perverts.
But I do find it completely natural that my son is a cook by trade and an awesome cook at that. I guess it's in the blood....he knows exactly what to add to what and when. His motto bacon goes with everything....I have never been prouder. . I love that for the last few Christmas mornings we spent it making sauce and this past year BRACIOLE. (with bacon)-yum
I love food ! When I first thought about starting a blog I thought maybe I'd write about food. But instead, I began writing about my musicals. I actually have a great idea for a Food Network show. Pick a Broadway musical and I would make some dishes inspired by it....For example Sound of Music- crisp apple streudels and schnitzel with noodles. Get it ...a few of her favorite things? I would call it SOUND BITES....yesssssss!
It even works with movies ...I can make something with "garlic sliced with a razor blade so thin it liquefies in the pan" ala GOODFELLAS which has one of the best food related lines in movies..."Tomorrow we eat SANGwiches".
Food is connected with so many memories....I can remember the first time I had a shrimp cocktail...I think I was six. At that time of my life I was a scrawny kid. I (believe it or not) was seriously under weight. My grandfather called me "little one". My mom used to give me all kinds of things to help boost my weight...I don't think she read the small print because I think it said "may take 30 years to kick in"
Kick in it did with a vengeance...
Yes I will continue my love affair with food . I will cook my way through the hard times and situations that I have no control over. I cook for myself and for others and I am the boss for a change. I will begrudgingly watch my carbs and stick with whole wheat pastas and chicken and fish...on the weekdays and I will fill my weekends baking and creating new recipes because I can control this...if only this.
So as we wait to hear if my mom is healthy enough for chemo this week...again, out of my hands ....I'm thinking SEAFOOD BISQUE. I will bring her some and hopefully she will eat it and get stronger because she looks like she is wasting away. It's awful but it's not only because she is sick...as she says when you get older you lose your appetite....Seriously?...when does this happen? Does this also take 30 years to kick in---just sayin'
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