Back in 2013 or was it a couple weeks ago, there was this big charity concert with Lady Gaga and a bunch of performers including The Rolling Stones. It was pretty cool, they did a zoom-like concert and it was funny because three out of the four screens were all black... for effect, I think because they came on one by one. It seemed to me it was of a bunch of 70-year-olds trying to figure out how to get the damn video and audio to work- but nevertheless, they sang my favorite song , “You can’t always get what you want ........you get what you need.” Great song choice and of course it got me thinking of how much I really have. I’ve seen memes all over the place, but the one that stuck with me was the one that said “when the dust settles, we will find out how little we need and how much we actually have” or something like that.
Now being Sicilian, we were bred to be able to live with only what we needed instead of what we wanted. I mean if we had everything we wanted, we’d be looking over our shoulders our whole lives waiting for someone to put the “Molokio” on us and take it all the way. We grew up kind of modestly, we never went on big vacations, we never had expensive things or fancysmancy clothes. (Google “Plain Pocket Jeans” from Sears ...I wore those in a world of Levi’s) but we had what we needed. Aside from being distanced from my grandchildren, my children, my family and dear friends (and possibly restaurants,) I’ve kind of settled into this new way of simpler life. That being said, when the time is right, I will RUN to DisneyLand/World and wrap my arms around a face masked Mickey Mouse and gladly buy another over priced Minnie Mouse coffee mug. Those recent Disney trips were a long time coming in my life and I’m happy to have all those memories if I never get there again ...but I really really want to - when it’s safe, Disney safe, which means those little Cinderella mice better get busy cleaning and disinfecting.
Now that I’ve settled in to this life style, I have to say if my husband makes one more FUCKING glass of Kool Aid in a plastic cup and stirs it a freaking million times and leaves the spoon on the counter....well, I can not be responsible for my actions. I would be justifiable homicide if you heard the sound of the stirring...the STIRRING. It’s like nails on a chalkboard if the chalkboard were in hell and the nails were covered in tinfoil and we were all on fire...GET IT?
<big exhale> Since I’m on a roll... People on tv can stay saying “ Due to COVID -19” or “In these uncertain times”.... we get it , is there anyone in the world who doesn’t get it ..? We’re 100 weeks in for God’s sake. The people who are wondering why things are closed and cancelled are probably the same people who are adding Lysol to their coffee.
This feels great... And enough with that State Farm commercial where they sing ....and we’ll rise up...” at first it made me tear eyed ....now every time I hear it I wan to put my wrinkly, dried skinned fist through the screen ...especially when it’s followed by the ear worm inducing flea and tick anthem SERESTO SERESTO SERESTO ... and my personal favorite..Oh Oh Oh Ozempic.
Stop watching TV you say ...shut up, it’s all I have left and all my real (housewives) friends are there.
My friend and fellow Gaga is also there on TV ....with her friends Sirs Paul and Elton and Mick and all the rest of the Stones and I wish they would sing more of their quarantine inspired songs:
Miss You
Shattered
Gimme Shelter (in place)
Time on my Side
Mother’s Little Helper - my personal favorite
Emotional Rescue
Ruby Tuesday (or is it Wednesday?)
19th Nervous Breakdown
And...
HEY (hey) YOU (you) Get off of my Couch
All kidding (?) and virus aside, I do kind of feel like the rest of the world is kind of catching up the way I lived, financially and emotionally. Not being able to do things or afford things because of a job loss or a layoff was kind of our reality when we were raising our children. All too well, I remember what it’s like not being able to go anywhere or do anything and making do with in our own family. I think we are all so close because of it, at least I hope that’s what came out of it, and it will again.
Also, as a hypochondriac and Vice President of the disease of the month club (Yes, Vice President...there are people out there way worse than I,) I have lived in constant fear of a virus or disease sweeping the world since I read Stephen King’s “The Stand” back in the 70s. Seriously, every time I heard of a measles or a whooping cough outbreak on the news, I would curl into a little ball in the corner and worry that this is it .....this is the big one! Well, this is the big one and other than my sporadic fear laden tears and daily mini panic attacks, I am trying to handle the situation in only way I know how. Just live and thank God everyday for our family’s continued health.
A very sweet friend of mine told me a little sweet story of how he heard the birds singing a little extra loud one morning and it hit him that amidst the whole situation, birds were singing because that’s what they do. He continued to say maybe we just need to keep on doing what we do ...just keep on living... keep on loving and keep on taking care of one another.... and hope for better days and a better world....possibly in November ....just sayin’.
Wednesday, April 29, 2020
Monday, April 13, 2020
Be it Ever So Humble
Hello from week whatever of lockdown. I hope everyone is staying healthy and semi sane! We made it through our first major holiday (other than my birthday) in quarantine. It was Easter and I cooked like I had a house full of family- which I didn’t. Even after given some away, we still have a week’s worth of ham- yikes ....a week of JON Hamm - yes, but we got a big ass ham and there is only so much you can do with delicious, delicious ham. There will be a little extra treats in the pet dishes, not to mention it will fancy up my husband’s usual American cheese on white bread sandwich of choice ....don’t get me started on his toddler variety palate.
Yes, the dogs will be very happy. The dogs who by the way, aren’t quite as thrilled as they were the first couple weeks. They were so excited to have us home, now they’re all “ umm, you’re in my spot, again.” They bark like they need to go out so, of course, I get up to let them out and they jump on the couch where I was sitting. Doh! I don’t know what’s worse falling for it way too many times or having a conversation with them .
Yes, the dogs will be very happy. The dogs who by the way, aren’t quite as thrilled as they were the first couple weeks. They were so excited to have us home, now they’re all “ umm, you’re in my spot, again.” They bark like they need to go out so, of course, I get up to let them out and they jump on the couch where I was sitting. Doh! I don’t know what’s worse falling for it way too many times or having a conversation with them .
Me: Do you really need to go out?
Finn: woof
Me : You have food and water, you just want my seat, right?
Finn: woof
As for the cats...well they’re cats, except I found they really know their way around the tv remote. I am taking my glasses on and off to find the number buttons to change the channel and they merely saunter by the thing and MUTE! It’s difficult to follow the breaking news with picture in picture mode....and in Spanish.
That’s how things are going with the non human inhabitants of our house. By the looks of my hair, I think I may fall in that classification. I have entered the support group phase of hair length. It was February when I had my last cut and luckily at that time bought some ESSENTIAL hair color. Also at that time, I signed up for one of those fun little monthly cosmetic bag thing. Now I have been getting little bags of super cute make up ...very funny...well played -cue the Alanis Morrisette song.
Luckily, though, the weather has been semi-nice and we’ve been able to go for walks. I’m not saying I’ve become one of “those people” who brag about how far they’ve walked - I mostly feel the farther I go the more I can eat. That being said I am getting in a shit ton of steps... not quite a day at Disney number, but pretty close.
Being a holiday yesterday, we decided to take a little trip to walk by the water and veer away from our usual path. The amount of people that were there by the water was madden and frankly a little frightening. It wasn’t one or two people spread out walking- there were groups ... WHAT THE FUCK everyone!!!! I mean we are all going crazy, stir and otherwise, but what are you not getting? It’s working, doing what we’re doing -so why would you stop now? Seriously, what the fuck?
Following the rules and doing what is asked of us is tough...I hate it, I do, but it reminds me of when we had to dump a whole bunch of money to get our basement waterproofed. I was there with the dollar sign eyes thinking of all the things we can do with that money...new kitchen cabinets, fix up the back room and the patio...buy shoes . But we did the basement thing for the better of the whole house. It made the structure safer so that it would not crumble. We eventually got our cabinets and back room and patio fix ups, and of course my shoe collection matches the likes of Carrie Bradshaw ( does anyone remember Imelda Marcos anymore.) My point being, if we didn’t do the unpopular thing, the house would have fallen apart. Get it fuckers...it’s going to crumble if we don’t do the right thing!
It’s pretty simple ... I mean I’m no genius (although I did complete the two Sunday crosswords, though I fear they made them easier this week for a little ego boost) but we have to make our way through this so we can be all together again, maybe in a restaurant. Remember those places where they bring you coffee and food you didn’t have to make yourself! Maybe I’ll put some of that fancy make up on.... and then give some one a hug...preferably my kids and mostly my grandchildren !!! Until then I make my own coffee, worry about my kids who are out in the workforce, I will have my scheduled cries, like Holly Hunter in Broadcast News....get banned from the room for yelling and swearing at the TV at very specific news conferences...watch bad movies, wash wash wash my hands and pray and pray until bedtime. Then wake up and enjoy that split second of bliss, before you really wake up and reality hits, and start it all over again. Right now its a rainy, stormy day and I can’t get out for a walk, so I will Gladys Kravits through my day, happy to have a house with a water proofed basement to be safe, not stuck in. We got this friends, we really do and I truly believe we are all going to be okay...at least that was the gist of my last conversation.
Me: do you think we’ll be okay?
Finn: woof
Good enough for me...just saying
Stay safe and healthy and stay the fuck home
Being a holiday yesterday, we decided to take a little trip to walk by the water and veer away from our usual path. The amount of people that were there by the water was madden and frankly a little frightening. It wasn’t one or two people spread out walking- there were groups ... WHAT THE FUCK everyone!!!! I mean we are all going crazy, stir and otherwise, but what are you not getting? It’s working, doing what we’re doing -so why would you stop now? Seriously, what the fuck?
Following the rules and doing what is asked of us is tough...I hate it, I do, but it reminds me of when we had to dump a whole bunch of money to get our basement waterproofed. I was there with the dollar sign eyes thinking of all the things we can do with that money...new kitchen cabinets, fix up the back room and the patio...buy shoes . But we did the basement thing for the better of the whole house. It made the structure safer so that it would not crumble. We eventually got our cabinets and back room and patio fix ups, and of course my shoe collection matches the likes of Carrie Bradshaw ( does anyone remember Imelda Marcos anymore.) My point being, if we didn’t do the unpopular thing, the house would have fallen apart. Get it fuckers...it’s going to crumble if we don’t do the right thing!
It’s pretty simple ... I mean I’m no genius (although I did complete the two Sunday crosswords, though I fear they made them easier this week for a little ego boost) but we have to make our way through this so we can be all together again, maybe in a restaurant. Remember those places where they bring you coffee and food you didn’t have to make yourself! Maybe I’ll put some of that fancy make up on.... and then give some one a hug...preferably my kids and mostly my grandchildren !!! Until then I make my own coffee, worry about my kids who are out in the workforce, I will have my scheduled cries, like Holly Hunter in Broadcast News....get banned from the room for yelling and swearing at the TV at very specific news conferences...watch bad movies, wash wash wash my hands and pray and pray until bedtime. Then wake up and enjoy that split second of bliss, before you really wake up and reality hits, and start it all over again. Right now its a rainy, stormy day and I can’t get out for a walk, so I will Gladys Kravits through my day, happy to have a house with a water proofed basement to be safe, not stuck in. We got this friends, we really do and I truly believe we are all going to be okay...at least that was the gist of my last conversation.
Me: do you think we’ll be okay?
Finn: woof
Good enough for me...just saying
Stay safe and healthy and stay the fuck home
Saturday, April 4, 2020
Once in a While ...a Little Flower
So here we are..closing in on week three or twenty three of this cluster ...and we’re still hanging on...the other end of the rope may be on fire, but we’re hanging on!
While trying to stick to my challenge to “do at least one thing everyday,” I find myself going on long, daily walks. On these walks ...the grounds are kind of muddy and mostly brownish, but every once in a while you see a little flower or better, yet a promise of a flower. It makes me feel like maybe good things are coming? It makes me smile on my walks, my walks with my aforementioned silent partner. Actually, he has gotten a little better at talking-I think he’s sick of listening to me ramble and most likely repeating myself..... and of course, repeating myself. And speaking of getting old.... I usually try to write something in the beginning of the week, but this week was my birthday and it was just freaking weird!
Now anyone who knows me knows that I love birthdays especially MINE! I have claimed the month of March as my birthday month and it kind of caught on. People who I know casually are like.. “oh yeah ‘cause it’s your birthday month....” It all started as kind of a joke because my birthday and my sister’s birthday being a day apart. Growing up we were always clumped together with one celebration and one cake ( twins out there, how do you do it?) and if Easter was close, throw that on there too. Childish and obnoxious you say.... I agree but as I enter my sixth decade of childish, obnoxious behavior, I figure, well why stop now!
Well I anticipated turning sixty in this shitshow we are living in was going to be a double kick in the crotch ... but au contraire. That morning my husband asked me if I was going to get up to which I responded ....as melodramatically as I could “why bother.” Well turned out there was a little party in my drive way...a Tim Horton’s breakfast celebration with my grandchildren. My lawn was decorated and people stopped by all day long to bring well wishes and presents from six feet away. My favorite dinner of lamb chops and crepe brûlée for dessert was delivered and I ended the day with a family parking lot gathering ...I just needed to see their faces all in one spot. It was dreary, cold and rainy and we could’ve hug or anything, but there it was ...a little flower.
So as the weeks go on I am trying to look for little flowers- an unexpected phone call, a text from someone you haven’t heard from in a while ...a parking lot coffee date or a FaceTime with my favorite little faces. People have kind of been stepping up and it’s incredible. The news is horrific, every day, relentless ...but then you see a story of people being good and people doing good...and there’s a little flower.
I’m sitting on my patio swing in the sunshine with my two dogs running and playing without a care in the world...I’m a little jealous of them. I used to say must be nice to be a pet...lay around all day...and now I think we can all agree that it’s not all it’s cracked up to be. But even they have their little routines though. Bobby the cat is the morning cat who cuddles with me until I decide I’m ready to face the day. Jacob the cat hears the Jeopardy theme and is my companion for the rest of the evening. My dogs, Finn and Teddie are so happy that I’m home with them and because of my “well, I might
as well eat “ philosophy, are just waiting for me to drop a crumb of food on the floor...dumb dogs. I haven’t dropped a morsel food on the floor since my d cups appeared somewhere between sixth and seventh grade. These pets of mine are my saviors and very accommodating in my need for hugs and I feel like that little girl on Anamaniacs who wants a “pet to hug and squeeze of my very very own” They are definitely flowers in my very unfortunately muddy garden.
I am going to try to keep looking for glimmers of hope or little flowers in these next weeks. I was quite distracted with birthdays and such, but with Easter around the corner- let’s hope for some goodness to bloom and health and security to be reborn...there’s little flower out there- you just have to look for them. While you’re looking, be on the look out for my up coming blog on things that are really REALLY pissing me off - spoiler alert, there will be offensive language.....just sayin’
While trying to stick to my challenge to “do at least one thing everyday,” I find myself going on long, daily walks. On these walks ...the grounds are kind of muddy and mostly brownish, but every once in a while you see a little flower or better, yet a promise of a flower. It makes me feel like maybe good things are coming? It makes me smile on my walks, my walks with my aforementioned silent partner. Actually, he has gotten a little better at talking-I think he’s sick of listening to me ramble and most likely repeating myself..... and of course, repeating myself. And speaking of getting old.... I usually try to write something in the beginning of the week, but this week was my birthday and it was just freaking weird!
Now anyone who knows me knows that I love birthdays especially MINE! I have claimed the month of March as my birthday month and it kind of caught on. People who I know casually are like.. “oh yeah ‘cause it’s your birthday month....” It all started as kind of a joke because my birthday and my sister’s birthday being a day apart. Growing up we were always clumped together with one celebration and one cake ( twins out there, how do you do it?) and if Easter was close, throw that on there too. Childish and obnoxious you say.... I agree but as I enter my sixth decade of childish, obnoxious behavior, I figure, well why stop now!
Well I anticipated turning sixty in this shitshow we are living in was going to be a double kick in the crotch ... but au contraire. That morning my husband asked me if I was going to get up to which I responded ....as melodramatically as I could “why bother.” Well turned out there was a little party in my drive way...a Tim Horton’s breakfast celebration with my grandchildren. My lawn was decorated and people stopped by all day long to bring well wishes and presents from six feet away. My favorite dinner of lamb chops and crepe brûlée for dessert was delivered and I ended the day with a family parking lot gathering ...I just needed to see their faces all in one spot. It was dreary, cold and rainy and we could’ve hug or anything, but there it was ...a little flower.
So as the weeks go on I am trying to look for little flowers- an unexpected phone call, a text from someone you haven’t heard from in a while ...a parking lot coffee date or a FaceTime with my favorite little faces. People have kind of been stepping up and it’s incredible. The news is horrific, every day, relentless ...but then you see a story of people being good and people doing good...and there’s a little flower.
I’m sitting on my patio swing in the sunshine with my two dogs running and playing without a care in the world...I’m a little jealous of them. I used to say must be nice to be a pet...lay around all day...and now I think we can all agree that it’s not all it’s cracked up to be. But even they have their little routines though. Bobby the cat is the morning cat who cuddles with me until I decide I’m ready to face the day. Jacob the cat hears the Jeopardy theme and is my companion for the rest of the evening. My dogs, Finn and Teddie are so happy that I’m home with them and because of my “well, I might
as well eat “ philosophy, are just waiting for me to drop a crumb of food on the floor...dumb dogs. I haven’t dropped a morsel food on the floor since my d cups appeared somewhere between sixth and seventh grade. These pets of mine are my saviors and very accommodating in my need for hugs and I feel like that little girl on Anamaniacs who wants a “pet to hug and squeeze of my very very own” They are definitely flowers in my very unfortunately muddy garden.
I am going to try to keep looking for glimmers of hope or little flowers in these next weeks. I was quite distracted with birthdays and such, but with Easter around the corner- let’s hope for some goodness to bloom and health and security to be reborn...there’s little flower out there- you just have to look for them. While you’re looking, be on the look out for my up coming blog on things that are really REALLY pissing me off - spoiler alert, there will be offensive language.....just sayin’
Monday, March 23, 2020
I’m Good/Bad...and you?
So, how are things? I wish there was a font that denoted sing songy sarcasm...but many have told me I write like I speak, so I think y’all got it!
We have completed our first week of the new normal we were hurled into and to quote Anchorman (one of the 53 movies I’ve watch) “that escalated quickly.... “
It doesn’t seem like it’s getting any better, and for the silver lining type of gal that I am...this is tough!
This is also a tough time for a talker....I am currently sequestered with two dogs, two cats and a non conversationalist husband. Last summer, 100 years ago, we drove to Philadelphia for a wedding and I have to say we had a nice conversation....then we got to the end of our block! The rest of the trip was Me in concert....singing everything from Broadway to Bruce ...it made me think of that scene in Identity Thief ( another movie watched) “ my milk shake brings all the boys to the yard...”
Anyway... knowing this guy for over 40 years, I should be used to it- luckily we laugh at all the same things...which is not an easy feat these days. But getting a text the other day that our five year old granddaughter used the phrase “holy shit” made us both chuckle.
We are actually so fortunate to be able to communicate with friends and especially family. I have always expressed how wonderful it is to live so close to my three kids (...actually walkable if there was money involved.) Now I feel like so many people who don’t live anywhere near their kids and especially their grandchildren!!! Me no likey!!! I have learned that FaceTime is a beautiful thing, my friends! That all being said...I am happy to be in daily touch with my three kids who are out in this mess as essentials...two health care and a restaurant workers. I am extremely proud of them. I also am lucky to live close to my stubborn 86 year old dad who has been out and about more than the dumb kids on Spring Break and is still kind of critical of some of the food I’ve brought him. It’s good to have some consistency in these times.
So here we are...beginning week two. I have been trying to do at least one productive thing a day...like today -I found my bra ! It was really buried too! Seriously, I am trying to check in with people...Again-FaceTime is a beautiful thing...(yesterday I had coffee with my sister and our cats which would normally sound pathetic) .....I’ve been looking at our short and maybe long term financial situations(gulp) and of course...doing a puzzle. Although, that is quite a challenge with two cats and yesterday one my dogs spit out mouthful of puzzle pieces.... so there’s that.
I have been trying to stay healthy...taking walks ...eating well and eating not so well! I have been cooking A LOT. It’s what I do when I’m stressed. I believe a wrote a whole blog about it called Pressure Cooker!! Right now we are doing okay menu wise and I am hoping I don’t have to cook like I’m on the episode of Chopped where dog food is one of the ingredients.
So I will go on my socially distanced walks in the neighborhood...riding my exercise bike to nowhere...washing my hands like I’m Lady Macbeth ....limiting my news intake and trying to navigate through social media. It is good to see what others are up to but those scary click baits posts that are not from reliable sources juxtaposed with how to make a decorative wall sconce out plastic forks make me want limit my social media time too. Words with Friends is a life saver...my favorite things words and friends ...oooh....what if there was Words with Food and Friends...I think I found
my next project!
Well... I hope this blog finds you all well and helps you realize we are all in this together...apart!
Take care of each other and yourselves, stay in touch with people....it really helps. Let’s try to stay positive and be grateful for the little things that are now big things!! I get to hear “Hi Gaga - I love you” a lot ...I have 4 animals that are REALLY happy that I am home with them...there is one by my side, looking adoringly at me at all times...I have coffee and other beverages.... I have emergency Cheetos and chocolate when needed...and a way to stay connected with all of you that I love so much! Also ...I used the word “sconce” in this blog so that’s cool.....just sayin.
Monday, March 16, 2020
I Sure Picked a Heck of a Time to Give Up Swearing....and turn 60!!!
Hello Kids!
It’s been a while... last July to be exact!
As I looked back over my decade of blogs, (decade?!?) I realized that a good percentage of them were written when things weren’t so good. A huge block of the last 10 years consisted of engagements and weddings and grandchildren and happy...and there was a blog here and there. The other huge part of the decade was cancer and cancer and cancer and aging parents and surgeries and deaths of all kinds.... weekly blogs!
We guess what MJust Saying fans.... I’M BAAAAACK..... What the heck? Does anyone else feel like they are living a Stephen King story...and not the fun-filled teenage telekinesis hijinks of Carrie one either. So since I am sequestered, (I like that word better than quarantine) I thought I would hop back on the inter webs and share my thoughts...humorous or otherwise.
My hope here is to:
1. Provide some distraction and hopefully a laugh or two
B. Keep my hands busy as to not shove food into my mouth...it took me about six months to take off 25 lbs (thanks to weight watcher points) I don’t want to gain it all back because of delicious pop tarts (17 Points)
And finally ... I don’t want my brains to turn to mush because of my ridiculous anxiety or because of my ridiculous addiction to Bravo TV!
Yesterday my tv stopped working and Fios had to talk me off the ledge....what will happen to the kids on Below Deck Mediterranean? I am glad to report ...Crisis...yes crisis....averted!
So as not to binge, on food or Netflix, I will try my best to write as much as I can ....and as my birthday in a couple weeks pushes me into the next higher risk group, I am hearing my mom’s voice saying after a certain age you don’t have to give anything up for Lent. Well ... all I can say to that is
WHAT THE ACTUAL F U C K ?!?! Just sayin’. Stay safe & healthy everyone!
It’s been a while... last July to be exact!
As I looked back over my decade of blogs, (decade?!?) I realized that a good percentage of them were written when things weren’t so good. A huge block of the last 10 years consisted of engagements and weddings and grandchildren and happy...and there was a blog here and there. The other huge part of the decade was cancer and cancer and cancer and aging parents and surgeries and deaths of all kinds.... weekly blogs!
We guess what MJust Saying fans.... I’M BAAAAACK..... What the heck? Does anyone else feel like they are living a Stephen King story...and not the fun-filled teenage telekinesis hijinks of Carrie one either. So since I am sequestered, (I like that word better than quarantine) I thought I would hop back on the inter webs and share my thoughts...humorous or otherwise.
My hope here is to:
1. Provide some distraction and hopefully a laugh or two
B. Keep my hands busy as to not shove food into my mouth...it took me about six months to take off 25 lbs (thanks to weight watcher points) I don’t want to gain it all back because of delicious pop tarts (17 Points)
And finally ... I don’t want my brains to turn to mush because of my ridiculous anxiety or because of my ridiculous addiction to Bravo TV!
Yesterday my tv stopped working and Fios had to talk me off the ledge....what will happen to the kids on Below Deck Mediterranean? I am glad to report ...Crisis...yes crisis....averted!
So as not to binge, on food or Netflix, I will try my best to write as much as I can ....and as my birthday in a couple weeks pushes me into the next higher risk group, I am hearing my mom’s voice saying after a certain age you don’t have to give anything up for Lent. Well ... all I can say to that is
WHAT THE ACTUAL F U C K ?!?! Just sayin’. Stay safe & healthy everyone!
Sunday, July 14, 2019
April May and Junior
This blog title comes from a crazy dream I had many years ago. It was a dream /nightmare that I had triplets (that’s right triplets) two girls and a boy and I named them April, May and Junior. I guess if I actually did have the triplets I could have blamed those names on temporary ( or permanent ) insanity. Well upon waking up...I sighed a sigh of relief and a good laugh about it with my actual two girls and boy.
I guess I need to tie it all together because this blog is about April May and June with a twist of dreams and nightmares.
APRIL: On April 1st...I entered into a new decade.... a big scary number...which I will talk about at nauseum for the next year because I will actually turn that big scary on number March 31... dream or nightmare-take your pick - I am happy to be blissfully wandering this earth after a couple of months of sibling health scares. There was announcements of retirements in my office ...which always tends to shake things up...my normal everyday comfort zone may very well become a hazard zone. Two brand spanking new people will be looking to me for answers I don’t have and I think I just might become the oldest person in the office (see big scary number). Dream or Nightmare...stayed tuned friends...stay tuned. Also April was the start of all my kids going on all kinds of vacations/
honeymoons. Now I remember as a kid...young adult, my mother losing her shit if we were not in a 10 mile radius -and I’m being generous. We would plan vacations- and she would give us that “I
don’t feel good about this” look - also know as the Italian Bon Voyage. I get it now - I’m a momma bear!... I want my cubs close. But damn...I will suffer in silence as they go to Florida (no biggie) save for all the airline bullshit that happenedall over the world, days before they leave. I will said my
prayers to St Christopher and St. Jude as my Christopher and his wife go to Europe. For two weeks I
had the same feeling as I had when I thought I was having those fucking dream triplets. But damn-they got to live their dream vacation-how cool is that? He got to see a Liverpool “football” match LIVE - which I assume is his version of me in the 4th row of Springsteen on Broadway....dream !!!
The Mr. and I took a little trip as well. We went to celebrate the big scary number birthday of my best friend. We took in a Broadway show and had a wonderful and memorable dinner with his family. A dinner that I will never forget- more about that later.
MAY: Vacations continue- this time my little loves went to Disney. I’m not jealous I’m not jealous. Our whole family went a couple years ago ( I kept telling myself). They are at the dream age now -they are going to have so much more fun being that much older. I’m not je
alous I’m not jealous. Oh did I mention they went with their other grandparents ....okay I’m fucking jealous! All those memories that I am not a part of...I have to admit it was hard...not a nightmare...but hard.
For some reason this year- I have been missing my mom ...a lot. Maybe all the weddings and preparations of the last three years have kept me preoccupied. Then I had the dream, these damn dreams. Usually she is happy in my dreams and they are nice little visits -but not this time - it was a nightmare. She was scared and sickly ( like she was last time I saw her) I made me so sad and confused. What is she trying to tell me? My youngest bear cub said “maybe she was telling you that this is how it would be if she was here walking the earth-sick, scared and sad”... the earth that I am blissfully wandering in. Wise words and my dreams , featuring my mom, have been back to happy visits since then..thanks Little Cub. So I got through Mother’s Day...BEARly. Then I get the text...from my best friend who we celebrated with 19 days before. His wife...my Goomadi...(we are each other baby’s godmothers) is in the hospital...tests...stomach issues maybe gall bladder (cringe...that’s what my husband 7 years ago) backaches (double cringe-that is never good). But we are all in good spirits and are trading pun filled texts and funny GIFs. 19 days later... I get a call- I never get a call ...where’s our pun filled text. The last time call was not good news and this call..right before Memorial Weekend was to say she has neoendocrinepancreaticcancer.....I will always hear it as one long awful word....what the fuck ....Night. Mare. Less than a week later ...just 38 days after enjoying a riotously funny birthday dinner celebration ..she left this earth. What the actual fuck!
JUNE:Hold it together -Hold it together..I do hold it together to attend my baby girls dance recital...a dream for sure. Every time that little girl does any thing it is extra special knowing how she spent the first 4 1/2 months of her life. (Go back to the archives and read the blog called “The Rory Story”...a nightmare and dream - in that order ...Thanks God!) I also got to attend the wedding of a dear friend and his partner. A dream for them for sure. Times being as they are and all. After more than a few delicious, delicious signature wedding drinks...I needed to face the nightmare. I have to get to New Jersey for this wake and memorial. Not I want to..I HAVE TO. My children were feverishly trying to make it all work..which was impossible since they all were just on freaking vacations. But I checked Planes, Trains and settled on Automobiles accompanied by my a past, preasent and future
partner in crime, Pamela...I drove ...made it in six hours...undeniably the WORST driver next to
Toonses the Driving Cat (odd SNL reference , I know but that cat always drove off a cliff)
It was like a dream drive-talking all the way...both of us thinking..how we gonna do this? But we did..we were the grown ups who were there for our best friend going though the worst time. We had our laughs and tears and the best thing I could say was “see you in two weeks”.
My youngest and I had planned a trip to NY ...bought our train tickets moments before we got that hospital text on Mother’s Day... And go back I did this time accompanied by my son and daughter. We were on a sort of rescue mission to provide a diversion and I guess trying to
prolong the enviable realization that some one is missing. She never participated in much of our nonsense, although appreciated and secretly enjoyed it, I’d like to believe. There was a void, certainly, but her presence was there- I felt it as I slept in my special Guest Room
that I slept in a few dozen times and just a couple months before. My best friend accompanied us back to good old Buffalo...looking for answers I’m sure- answersthat will someday make themselves
known.... The answers may come in a dream..but for now its just a nightmare.
JULY: I started the month going to a freaking wake..a friend from elementary school..shit-she’s my age...almost that big scary number-and it doesn’t seem so scary any more when you think you may not get there. She passed away in June tho ...had to get one last one in, didn’t ya, mother fucking Junior. So I look to JULY and AUGUST filled with summer fun with my babies...and musical rehearsals. Mamma Mia this year- a dream show..-which begins and ends with a beautiful song about dreams”
..I have a dream ...a song to sing..that helps me through most everything. ....I believe in Angels ...something good in everything I see.”
So I think I will stick to dreaming - day and otherwise and look for angels and the good things they bring ...until the dreaded
SEPTEMBER: to be continued... I guess. In olden times, nightmares were said to be evil spirits invading your sleep and dreams...don’t mess with my sleep, fucker...I got this big birthday coming up ...60...you don’t scare me ..just sayin’
I guess I need to tie it all together because this blog is about April May and June with a twist of dreams and nightmares.
APRIL: On April 1st...I entered into a new decade.... a big scary number...which I will talk about at nauseum for the next year because I will actually turn that big scary on number March 31... dream or nightmare-take your pick - I am happy to be blissfully wandering this earth after a couple of months of sibling health scares. There was announcements of retirements in my office ...which always tends to shake things up...my normal everyday comfort zone may very well become a hazard zone. Two brand spanking new people will be looking to me for answers I don’t have and I think I just might become the oldest person in the office (see big scary number). Dream or Nightmare...stayed tuned friends...stay tuned. Also April was the start of all my kids going on all kinds of vacations/
honeymoons. Now I remember as a kid...young adult, my mother losing her shit if we were not in a 10 mile radius -and I’m being generous. We would plan vacations- and she would give us that “I
don’t feel good about this” look - also know as the Italian Bon Voyage. I get it now - I’m a momma bear!... I want my cubs close. But damn...I will suffer in silence as they go to Florida (no biggie) save for all the airline bullshit that happenedall over the world, days before they leave. I will said my
prayers to St Christopher and St. Jude as my Christopher and his wife go to Europe. For two weeks I
had the same feeling as I had when I thought I was having those fucking dream triplets. But damn-they got to live their dream vacation-how cool is that? He got to see a Liverpool “football” match LIVE - which I assume is his version of me in the 4th row of Springsteen on Broadway....dream !!!
The Mr. and I took a little trip as well. We went to celebrate the big scary number birthday of my best friend. We took in a Broadway show and had a wonderful and memorable dinner with his family. A dinner that I will never forget- more about that later.
MAY: Vacations continue- this time my little loves went to Disney. I’m not jealous I’m not jealous. Our whole family went a couple years ago ( I kept telling myself). They are at the dream age now -they are going to have so much more fun being that much older. I’m not je
alous I’m not jealous. Oh did I mention they went with their other grandparents ....okay I’m fucking jealous! All those memories that I am not a part of...I have to admit it was hard...not a nightmare...but hard.
For some reason this year- I have been missing my mom ...a lot. Maybe all the weddings and preparations of the last three years have kept me preoccupied. Then I had the dream, these damn dreams. Usually she is happy in my dreams and they are nice little visits -but not this time - it was a nightmare. She was scared and sickly ( like she was last time I saw her) I made me so sad and confused. What is she trying to tell me? My youngest bear cub said “maybe she was telling you that this is how it would be if she was here walking the earth-sick, scared and sad”... the earth that I am blissfully wandering in. Wise words and my dreams , featuring my mom, have been back to happy visits since then..thanks Little Cub. So I got through Mother’s Day...BEARly. Then I get the text...from my best friend who we celebrated with 19 days before. His wife...my Goomadi...(we are each other baby’s godmothers) is in the hospital...tests...stomach issues maybe gall bladder (cringe...that’s what my husband 7 years ago) backaches (double cringe-that is never good). But we are all in good spirits and are trading pun filled texts and funny GIFs. 19 days later... I get a call- I never get a call ...where’s our pun filled text. The last time call was not good news and this call..right before Memorial Weekend was to say she has neoendocrinepancreaticcancer.....I will always hear it as one long awful word....what the fuck ....Night. Mare. Less than a week later ...just 38 days after enjoying a riotously funny birthday dinner celebration ..she left this earth. What the actual fuck!
JUNE:Hold it together -Hold it together..I do hold it together to attend my baby girls dance recital...a dream for sure. Every time that little girl does any thing it is extra special knowing how she spent the first 4 1/2 months of her life. (Go back to the archives and read the blog called “The Rory Story”...a nightmare and dream - in that order ...Thanks God!) I also got to attend the wedding of a dear friend and his partner. A dream for them for sure. Times being as they are and all. After more than a few delicious, delicious signature wedding drinks...I needed to face the nightmare. I have to get to New Jersey for this wake and memorial. Not I want to..I HAVE TO. My children were feverishly trying to make it all work..which was impossible since they all were just on freaking vacations. But I checked Planes, Trains and settled on Automobiles accompanied by my a past, preasent and future
partner in crime, Pamela...I drove ...made it in six hours...undeniably the WORST driver next to
Toonses the Driving Cat (odd SNL reference , I know but that cat always drove off a cliff)
It was like a dream drive-talking all the way...both of us thinking..how we gonna do this? But we did..we were the grown ups who were there for our best friend going though the worst time. We had our laughs and tears and the best thing I could say was “see you in two weeks”.
My youngest and I had planned a trip to NY ...bought our train tickets moments before we got that hospital text on Mother’s Day... And go back I did this time accompanied by my son and daughter. We were on a sort of rescue mission to provide a diversion and I guess trying to
prolong the enviable realization that some one is missing. She never participated in much of our nonsense, although appreciated and secretly enjoyed it, I’d like to believe. There was a void, certainly, but her presence was there- I felt it as I slept in my special Guest Room
that I slept in a few dozen times and just a couple months before. My best friend accompanied us back to good old Buffalo...looking for answers I’m sure- answersthat will someday make themselves
known.... The answers may come in a dream..but for now its just a nightmare.
JULY: I started the month going to a freaking wake..a friend from elementary school..shit-she’s my age...almost that big scary number-and it doesn’t seem so scary any more when you think you may not get there. She passed away in June tho ...had to get one last one in, didn’t ya, mother fucking Junior. So I look to JULY and AUGUST filled with summer fun with my babies...and musical rehearsals. Mamma Mia this year- a dream show..-which begins and ends with a beautiful song about dreams”
..I have a dream ...a song to sing..that helps me through most everything. ....I believe in Angels ...something good in everything I see.”
So I think I will stick to dreaming - day and otherwise and look for angels and the good things they bring ...until the dreaded
SEPTEMBER: to be continued... I guess. In olden times, nightmares were said to be evil spirits invading your sleep and dreams...don’t mess with my sleep, fucker...I got this big birthday coming up ...60...you don’t scare me ..just sayin’
Tuesday, November 6, 2018
I CAN'T
Hi Friends!!!
I haven't blogged for what looks like about six months. Don't let the title fool you- it's not a cop out...but whenever I had time to sit and rant...I can't - I have to do this or that...I actually deleted some half written blogs and some crazy cool blog titles. I started to put my thoughts down - I thought - I can't but after this or that ....I can. Cop Out - I hear you all saying it.
I find my self saying I Can't on a regular basis...it's not so much the physicality of I Can't ( that's mostly I WONT!) It's the emotional I CAN'T! Isn't that what all the kids are saying ( or were saying on) the social media/interwebs! I CAN'T ....I CAN NOT .....or the extreme I CAN'T EVEN!
I like the phrase - it covers all the bases - it lets others know how you really feel - it makes me feel good to say it. It is much like another phrase I am known for saying but it's much more acceptable in
public settings -like the school I work at !
Can't is usually a negative word...I can't go or I can't afford it. Now, for me - it's I Can't handle it - although I still can't afford it -whatever it maybe.
My emotions have been working overtime these past few months. My last blog ( that I didn't delete) was about loss. Those losses are still in my world but so much happy has pushed it to the back burner for the time being.
It has been wedding season for that last 18 months in my little world. My baby girl got married last July and my son got married just one month ago. In between was my niece, a cousin, some friends, Megan and Harry and my nephew - well he just got engaged but he is on his way!! I Can't with all the love !!!
My boy's wedding day was a collage of I CAN'T moments that I will always keep close to my heart. The morning of the big day- we had breakfast and hung out in the hotel suite before anyone got else got there....had some coffee, waited for the sun to come out and listened to Hamilton.* ( memory*) . I asked him what song we were all walking into the reception to and he played it for me. It was John Legend's Love Me Now. I heard it for the first time and burst in to tears- it was perfect...I said I knew he would pick a great song - he told me "she picked it" and I said "and that's why you are marrying her" * Listen to it if you get a chance- I Can't - literally- not with out sobbing!
Speaking of sobbing- there was his face when he saw her*- his vows-*her vows* - his sisters' beautiful crying face watching their brother *- my little loves (I'll get to them later) throwing flowers in the air when the were pronounced husband and wife....****** all fabulous memories- but then came our dance. I have sobbed through my husband dancing with both our girls...but now it was my turn. I Can't ...I thought as they called us up to the dance floor. I thought about this moment for a while- like when he got engaged, no when he met her...no, when he was old enough to drive... or was it when he started kindergarten- actually.... it was when I decided to name his Christopher....because we danced to the Kenny Loggins song about Christopher Robin-Listen to it if you get a chance-I Can't...EVEN. I cried- he laughed- he cried -I laughed* Best memory ever!
Those are the happy I CAN'Ts Seeing my children build their lives and my ever growing grandchildren- with each milestone- I can't...looking at their beautiful faces -I can't ...their excitement to be in my company still ( believe me, that list of people who feel that way is getting shorter by the moment) I just can't. The love I feel for them is overwhelming, I can't...breathe sometimes!!
There is another overwhelming and almost stunting I CAN'T that I feel when I look at what our country has become. I don't care who you are - who you like or what party you belong to. There is something wrong out there. The hate - the lies - the blaming - the disregard for other human beings .... I CAN'T...another shooting- I can't ..another hate rally...I can't ...the election bullshit...just the general childish bullshit of the administration. I really CAN NOT . But here is what I CAN do- VOTE!!! That I will do ...and hope for the best. I hope to not have to bring my other favorite phrase - also know as WHAT THE FUCK-into play. I have been saying that every time I watch the news!!!
In the last few weeks I have witnessed the loss of two young women, both situations heartbreaking ..I Can't ....imagine the pain and grief . So sad ...so young . It got me thinking ...maybe I should open up a can of CANS.
I CAN make everyday count. I CAN choose to be a kind person. I CAN give people the benefit of the doubt and not judge (that's a tough one) I CAN do what it takes to make the world a better place ...my little world and everyone else's. I CAN do what it takes to be...better !
So no more inappropriate comments and snarks remarks...no more exaggerated stories and obnoxious...oh who am I kidding ...I CAN'T ... even finish that sentence...jusy sayin
I haven't blogged for what looks like about six months. Don't let the title fool you- it's not a cop out...but whenever I had time to sit and rant...I can't - I have to do this or that...I actually deleted some half written blogs and some crazy cool blog titles. I started to put my thoughts down - I thought - I can't but after this or that ....I can. Cop Out - I hear you all saying it.
I find my self saying I Can't on a regular basis...it's not so much the physicality of I Can't ( that's mostly I WONT!) It's the emotional I CAN'T! Isn't that what all the kids are saying ( or were saying on) the social media/interwebs! I CAN'T ....I CAN NOT .....or the extreme I CAN'T EVEN!
I like the phrase - it covers all the bases - it lets others know how you really feel - it makes me feel good to say it. It is much like another phrase I am known for saying but it's much more acceptable in
public settings -like the school I work at !
Can't is usually a negative word...I can't go or I can't afford it. Now, for me - it's I Can't handle it - although I still can't afford it -whatever it maybe.
My emotions have been working overtime these past few months. My last blog ( that I didn't delete) was about loss. Those losses are still in my world but so much happy has pushed it to the back burner for the time being.
It has been wedding season for that last 18 months in my little world. My baby girl got married last July and my son got married just one month ago. In between was my niece, a cousin, some friends, Megan and Harry and my nephew - well he just got engaged but he is on his way!! I Can't with all the love !!!
My boy's wedding day was a collage of I CAN'T moments that I will always keep close to my heart. The morning of the big day- we had breakfast and hung out in the hotel suite before anyone got else got there....had some coffee, waited for the sun to come out and listened to Hamilton.* ( memory*) . I asked him what song we were all walking into the reception to and he played it for me. It was John Legend's Love Me Now. I heard it for the first time and burst in to tears- it was perfect...I said I knew he would pick a great song - he told me "she picked it" and I said "and that's why you are marrying her" * Listen to it if you get a chance- I Can't - literally- not with out sobbing!
Speaking of sobbing- there was his face when he saw her*- his vows-*her vows* - his sisters' beautiful crying face watching their brother *- my little loves (I'll get to them later) throwing flowers in the air when the were pronounced husband and wife....****** all fabulous memories- but then came our dance. I have sobbed through my husband dancing with both our girls...but now it was my turn. I Can't ...I thought as they called us up to the dance floor. I thought about this moment for a while- like when he got engaged, no when he met her...no, when he was old enough to drive... or was it when he started kindergarten- actually.... it was when I decided to name his Christopher....because we danced to the Kenny Loggins song about Christopher Robin-Listen to it if you get a chance-I Can't...EVEN. I cried- he laughed- he cried -I laughed* Best memory ever!
Those are the happy I CAN'Ts Seeing my children build their lives and my ever growing grandchildren- with each milestone- I can't...looking at their beautiful faces -I can't ...their excitement to be in my company still ( believe me, that list of people who feel that way is getting shorter by the moment) I just can't. The love I feel for them is overwhelming, I can't...breathe sometimes!!
There is another overwhelming and almost stunting I CAN'T that I feel when I look at what our country has become. I don't care who you are - who you like or what party you belong to. There is something wrong out there. The hate - the lies - the blaming - the disregard for other human beings .... I CAN'T...another shooting- I can't ..another hate rally...I can't ...the election bullshit...just the general childish bullshit of the administration. I really CAN NOT . But here is what I CAN do- VOTE!!! That I will do ...and hope for the best. I hope to not have to bring my other favorite phrase - also know as WHAT THE FUCK-into play. I have been saying that every time I watch the news!!!
In the last few weeks I have witnessed the loss of two young women, both situations heartbreaking ..I Can't ....imagine the pain and grief . So sad ...so young . It got me thinking ...maybe I should open up a can of CANS.
I CAN make everyday count. I CAN choose to be a kind person. I CAN give people the benefit of the doubt and not judge (that's a tough one) I CAN do what it takes to make the world a better place ...my little world and everyone else's. I CAN do what it takes to be...better !
So no more inappropriate comments and snarks remarks...no more exaggerated stories and obnoxious...oh who am I kidding ...I CAN'T ... even finish that sentence...jusy sayin
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