It's Comin' on Christmas

"It's comin' on Christmas...They're cuttin' down trees..." That's the first line of the song River by Joni Mitchell.  The first 35 seconds or so of that song just gets me, it reduces me to tears EVERY time I hear it.  It's a haunting kind of song which has nothing to do with how I feel about Christmas.  I love the song but I LOVE Christmas.  I find it so funny because some of the shittiest events occurred during the Christmas season, but I still adore the whole bustling, stressful, shopping, when the hell am I going to have time to make cookies, wrap the damn gift in the car, family, friends and food of it all!
This week marked the year anniversary of my husband's cancer surgery. This time last year we weren't sure if that Christmas would be his last, or would there be chemo in our future or who knows what?  Well, as many know, it was a very Merry Christmas last year as the cancer was caught in time. Little did I know there would be chemo in our future as my mom is struggling with the same awful disease and the same questions of "lasts" nag at me once again. 
We shop, we wrap, we cook, we bake....it's comin of Christmas!
Eleven years ago, this time of year, again, we lost my sister-in-law.  It was a couple days before Christmas when we drove down to say good bye to her and early the next morning, she was gone.  It was tough, but we cooked, we ate, we wrapped, we opened, we shopped but this time for the pink shirts we were all to wear at her funeral. It didn't seem like Christmas too much that year, but I have a little gingerbread ornament hanging in my kitchen with an August date  on it from when we DID celebrated Christmas that year. We baked, we gathered, we decorated ...it was hot, but it was her Christmas!
Holy shit though...I still love Christmas.  After all is said and done, you look back on all the Christmases and some are better than others.  Some years are just a blur of trying to get the kids asleep and trying to stay awake in order to make sure it looked like"Santa was here" and God help us if the cookies we left for him aren't gone. There were many a Christmas morning when I shoved those cookies in my mouth before the kids noticed.  Come to think of it, I have started many mornings like that, Christmas or not.  But as my children grew up, the mornings are not quite the same, yet I still feel compelled to make sure it looks like "Santa was here". This very well maybe the last year for that. as plans of moving out and buying houses are the conversations these days.  Nope, doesn't matter.... still love Christmas.

There was one Christmas in particular that stands out in my mind.  It was 24 years ago this week and we got a great present that year. A beautiful baby girl.  Her due date was December 25 but because of  having to have a C-section, we picked that date 12/12.  That would get me home in plenty of time.  I had already shopped, wrapped and baked  knowing that I would be a little busier that usual that year. I was then reminded of my one of my grandmother's favorite saying "you make plans and God laughs"  Well he must have been hysterical because my plans went horribly  awry. 
Thanks to the same wonderful God, my baby girl was healthy and dare I say perfect!  It was me that was not so perfect it seemed. The frightening part was no one knew why. Doctors would come in scratch their heads and send me for tests. There was one doctor in particular with no bedside manner...I believe his name was Dr. Fucking Asshole and he said very sarcastically "get a tree in here she ain't going anywhere".  I wanted to go home -I couldn't miss Christmas...who would remember to eat the cookies?  Who would write Merry  Christmas  Love  Santa on the black board easel Santa was bringing? Who would fill the stockings ?
About a week and a half later, my baby went home with out me while  I had an additional surgery to un-obstruct my bowel. Then there was my gig in ICU for an very scary heart issue. I didn't think I would ever see another Christmas but my biggest fear was that my precious baby girl would always feel responsible if anything ever happened to me.  I WOULD NOT let that be the case. I will spare the gory details (and they are pret-tay pret-tay  gory) and just say that very early Christmas morning I was in a regular room with a monitor on my heart and a phone on my ear.
 "don't forget to write Merry Christmas  on the board and eat those cookies and take a bite out of the carrot you had better left for the reindeer" I met  my entire family, IV pole and all, at the elevator. I'll never forget the looks on their beautiful faces when the doors opened. I did something I never thought I would do again....I kissed and hugged my kids and held my 13 day old baby that I hadn't seen or held for what seemed like an eternity. We spent Christmas day in the visitor waiting room of the hospital that year and it was GREAT. Since then I really try to not stress about the holiday. If I can have a baby, two surgeries and a heart problem and still pull off a  great Christmas....what is there to stress about.
 I know I didn't do it alone.  Somebody up there likes...no, loves me! That I know, but I also think a certain jolly ol' man helped me out as well.  I really do believe that is a spirit that gets us through these days.
Yes ....I believe in Santa Claus.  Now I found out recently that I was never taken to see Santa as a little girl. Yeah...I couldn't believe it either.  I never got a clear cut answer exacty why only that my sister and brother did.....more middle child bullshit I guess!   But now I think it is very clear why I love Christmas.....my friends...
I have Santa Issues. 
Yes, I will dress up in festive clothes at holiday parties and act like a Ho Ho Ho ....all because I never saw Santa.
I will  secretly watch  Christmas porn, you know Rudolph, the Grinch and Charlie Brown Christmas all by myself....no grandson around...just me
I have flashing lights in my house and drink eggnog and peppermint schnapps to access..
I am addicted to the white stuff...powdered sugar
I deck too many halls...
I make sure every one feels merry (wink wink)
My favorite reindeer...Vixen
I clearly have Santa issues.... When I watch Mad Men, sure I love Don Draper, but there is something about that Roger Sterling, ....could it be the white hair...
Coincidence,  I think not. 
So I wish my loyal blog readers a very  Happy Holiday season....a  Merry Merry Christmas. I hope this made you take the time away from your baking and wrapping and shopping and stressing to appreciate everything you have and cherish the memories you make at this beautiful time of year, good, bad or otherwise. Hug your family, have another cookie, and go ahead, buy yourself a present too. Listen to that Joni Mitchell song and get a little teary like I do and then put on Christmas Vacation and watch Chevy Chase whip down that hill on that sled and laugh your ass off...I do EVERY time....just sayin. 

I'm Thankful for Peas

I am always blown away by the passage of time. They say you blink and years fly by...it is so true. I can't believe how old my kids are. I can't believe  how old my friends are....yeah, yeah, yeah -I can't believe  how old I am too.  Any how, this particular blog title shows the passage of time because it  was uttered by my son a mere 25 years ago.  He was sitting in his high chair while we were all preparing for the big Thanksgiving meal.  He must have overheard us talking and said he was "thankful for peas" ( I should have known then he would wind up in the food industry).  Well, my big obnoxious Sicilian family thought he said he was thankful for PEACE...."Oh my God ...did you hear what he said God Bless him"   "I can't believe it, God Bless him" "He is so sweet, God Bless him". Seriously, the kid was covered with peas and they had him pegged as the new Gandhi.  But that is my big, obnoxious Sicilian family.(God Bless 'em)..and I'm thankful for them,  So in the spirit of the season, here, in no particular order, are some of the things I am thankful for:

I am thankful for, of course, my family and my children but I am also thankful for my animals.  There is nothing like sitting on the couch and have one of my many pets come and plop down on my lap.  They know when you're feeling down or if you are ill.  They sense things, like when my daughter was pregnant, they knew not to jump up on her. It is uncanny how they know. They are so sweet and entertaining and dependable. I know every morning my two cats will join me in the bathroom and watch the toilet flush...their little heads circling ...they are like the "we are Siamese if you please"cats from Lady and the Tramp. I am thankful for my non human family!

I am thankful that after months of stressing, I wound up in a new position that really suits me and I'm in an office surrounded by wonderful characters and supportive people and friends where I feel like I can be myself...eventually. I am still watching my language a little and trying not to be too inappropriate. Oh well, we all know it's just a fucking matter of time.

I am thankful for Happy Hour where I meet up every Friday with my "girls" from the old school.  People roll their eyes when we said we would stay connected , but  a shit ton of Jack and Cokes later, we have.  I am so thankful for these people and the fact that we make the effort .  That is an amazing thing especially when you realize how quickly you can fall off of some one's plate.  I know that everyone is busy and life has a way of moving on, but a text, a let's get together, a "how's your mom doing" goes a long way in my book.  I am thankful for my friends old and new!

I am thankful for Bruce Springsteen. I am obsessed, I admit it, but when a song by the Boss comes on , I am 17 years old again.  I have seen him over a dozen times, with friends, with my husband (who always says he will never go to another concert with me again...just because the ONE time they guys behind us lifted me up in the air when he played Rosalita. and the ONE time  I teared up when he opened with Tunnel of Love) I have even  seen him a couple of times with my son, which is so awesome ...but my favorite concert partner is my sister in law...who has seen him I think 3 more times than I have.  One day we will finagle our way up to the front....I know we will.  I am thankful for the faith  that  "there's magic in the night"

I am thankful for the fact that my husband's latest colonoscopy did not turn out like the last time.  They did find a polyp but they did not call us immediately with that news that no one wants to hear, especially at Thanksgiving.  I am thankful for no news is good news!

I am thankful for the "remember the time" people in my life, both family and friends.  The time at the Taste of Buffalo when the old guy smashed an ice cream cone like he was Godzilla walking through Tokyo.  The time we went to that church and there was like 100 bottle of maple syrup on the shelves in the rectory.  The time we met those guys at Angola on the lake (yeah I married one of 'em) The time at the cottage in Canada and that Battleship game with that kid and how EVERYONE we knew came to that garbage pail party.  The "don't take a year" ice cream story. That "AHHH Freak Out" Mexican Train game".  The time we talked each other through turning 50. ...right down to the minute. Those are just a few of many times that I am thankful for.

I am thankful for musicals.  Musical have brought me years and years of happiness. Starting with listening to Camelot, Funny Girl, The Bells are Ringing and Hello Dolly with my sister to eventually being able to sing the entire score of Jesus Christ Superstar( including all the record skips ).  Musicals have brought me the best friends I could have ever dreamt of having.  Sitting with the altos at 16, I would have never have imagined still having breakfast with these girls, being grandmas together and especially, providing the opportunity for other 16 year olds to find their sole mates.  I am thankful that everything I know I learned from watching, performing in and directing musicals.   How long does it takes to get from Buffalo to Fredonia?  The entire score of Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat .Thank you very much!

I am so thankful for this little 3 1/2 year old guy who calls me Gaga.  I can't believe the happiness I feel when I am with him.  I don't think I could have made it through this past year with out him. When things are at their worst, his laugh, his hugs and his little snarky sense of humor (already) makes me so thankful that he and all my kids, for that matter, are so close.  Close as in where we live and close in our hearts.  I am thankful my kids are so close to each other too.  I was not close to my sister growing up but I don't know what I would do with out her now.  With everything we are going through, our coffee getaways are better than any therapy session. I know she would say "the same to you"

I am thankful that after about 30 years, I was reunited with my friend Tommy  because it was only a short time after that  reunion that he passed away.  I am thankful for that brief time and that when the temperature drops I will always say "Brrrrritney Sprears it's cold outside" in his honor. I miss him everyday.  I also miss my sister in law, who was also taken way too soon. I miss her terribly, but I will always remember something she said as well.  In her last days I remember her saying that she had the "perfect life". I was taken aback by that at first. For years she battled cancer among other things and her life was not easy looking from the outside...but to her, it was perfect and I don't think she would mind at all if I borrowed her words.

A lot of shit has happened recently, I laugh a lot, I cry a lot.  I am hurt  by some people but there are those I adore. I lose my shit more than I'd like to admit. I am sometimes so tired that I can't even see straight, but I will always stay for "just one more" beer.  Sometimes stupid things like money issues get me down but I also know more that anyone that the best things in life aren't things....so as I prepare for an exhausting week of family and friends ..... I am thankful to be aggravated , overwhelmed, hysterical, bone weary, full of food, full of gratitude and  full of joy.
To quote my guardian angel..,".I am thankful for my Perfect Life".....just saying

Six Degrees of Jubilation

Someone recently asked me when the next installment of MJust Sayin was going to be ready.  I thought long and hard before I sarcastically answered "when I have something happy to write about".  I have been in a slump lately...a rut ...or what is known (to a chosen few) as the LIFE TROUGH.  Now everyone is probably well aware of my family  health situation,  but that being said, I have been very negative lately. It seems like I am in a downward spiral of bitch, (that would be a great  title for a soap opera).  So in a Scarlett O'Hara moment....I made a conscious decision...."with God as my  witness." to be.... happy
I decided that even if I am not in a very happy time of life....I can recall the things that make me happy...go ahead say it  "go to your happy place".  Now I am generally a positive, glass half full type of person. I really am...I remember being told one time that "not everything is funny, you know"...but....it kind of is... for the most part anyway.  So being that person, I have found a bunch of things that make me happy.  Some are big, grand events that I look back on and some are simple little things that most people don't even notice.  The births of my children/grandchild/nieces & nephews (related or unrelated) of course make up a chunk of the happiest moments ever. That is kind of what they call a given.   But there were certain days that even when I was in it, I knew... this is an "as good as it gets" moment.

 About six years ago, my three kids and I piled in a car at midnight and drove through the night to New York City to see a friend of ours in a real live Broadway show.  We went to this awesome show along with our favorite  NYC Goomadi. Like that wasn't enough to make a memory or two  After the show we made our way to the stage door .  There was a crowd of adoring fans which we maneuvered through and caught the eye of the guy at the door.  We said who we were and he said ..."right this way" and escorted us in, much to the hatred of the mere peons on the street... I remember saying "Hey we are finally as cool as we are always pretending to be". We met some of the cast and went to dinner with our Broadway star friend.  Walking down the street on that warm July evening, I knew...this is a good day, one that I will always remember as pretty close to perfect. 

Many of my happy moments are NYC/NJ based.  Sitting on a roof top with good friends having Mojitos...watching my kids see the ocean for the first time and then years later, laughing uncontrollably while we got knocked around by the waves . going backstage at Saturday Night Live,  having a handsome waiter comment on my smile as he took a picture of us.  Those are all good 'go to" moments to savor on the drive home from the cancer ward of a hospital.

Five  years ago I directed my first musical.  Godspell... and I honestly did not know what the fuck I was doing.  For some reason taking on this task at the same time we were planning a wedding (show- one weekend/wedding the next) seemed like a perfectly sane thing to do..Now I've never smoked crack, but I would image it's the feeling of pure joy and intense fear and having really no true control over anything yet watching it all unfold in front of you.  For the record both events were wildly successful and I look back on that time with true happiness as they both were interwoven and life changing.  On the first day of rehearsal, I suggested to this group of strangers, that it would be so cool if everyone came to the church for the wedding and surprise my daughter/our choreographer with one of  the songs from the show that she had also chosen for the service.(..Godspell....God....church,.... see how this all fits.)
Fast forward six weeks later and in the back of the church sat these once strangers, now "family".  I know the thought was  "how sweet they came to the wedding" but when the song started and these kids stood up and filled the church with gorgeous harmonies  ...it was honestly one of the most incredible moments and the beautiful, surprised look on my daughter's face is burned in my mind and heart forever.
 So when I find myself looking for  some cute hats and pretty scarves to bring to my mom who now lost all her hair....I think of the song "All Good Gifts" and that amazing summer.

Now its not all about good times and great days....little things make me happy too. Like making all the lights on Sheridan Drive...looking at a digital clock and the time is your birthday (3:31 in case anyone forgot)  or when its 12:34 ....it's crazy  how many time I look at the clock right at that 1234 time....day or night, it always makes me smile. ( yeah, I'm kind of low maintenance)
. 
Working in a restaurant offers moments of happy ....sometimes.  Of course getting a giant tip is great, but bear with me here. After a crazy shitstorm night (like yesterday) when the place is packed and you are actually questioning your existence, you get through it with a strange feeling of accomplishment and a pocket filled with wads of money.  You'd think that is good enough ...but as you go to set up the place,  that looks like Viet Nam,  you grab a  random hand full of silver ware and napkins etc, and just so happens you grabbed the EXACT NUMBER of everything you need,  I LOVE THAT.  That makes me so happy in a sad way that only other freaky, Anthony Bourdain lovin' restaurant people will understand.

So I guess I just got buried in all the negative things that were happening  that I forgot about all the "good gift around us."..simple or not they keep me going and bring me back to that happy place. Like.......

A curtain call...when the applause swells and someone "woos" (it actually makes me teary eyed)

When my grandson decided to call me Gaga..

 True Laughter.... I heard this line somewhere "the moment your laugh becomes a chuckle"

When someone gets your references...doesn't everyone know who Rocky Dennis is....I guess not.

That first kiss....

Zipping up a pair of jeans that didn't always fit

...and on the other hand,,,, CAKE!!!!

Happy Hour ( duh it's right in the name)

A good shower, not your everyday one but a real good one, like after a day at the beach  

The right pair of shoes 

...and to come full circle...someone asking me when my next blog is because they really look forward to it.

Yeah, it's been quite a year or so and I don't know how much longer this will continue but these little escapes into "happy land" remind me how blessed I am. While I'm on the subject I'm a little annoyed at how people are totally abusing the word "blessed" these days...just because your life seems to be going your way at the moment- it doesn't always warrant a hashtag ...."got what I wanted#blessed."    Seriously, think about what it really means to be blessed.   Hmmmm, I guess this might be a little foreshadowing,  I mean if I can write about all the things that make happy, you know damn well I am ready to list all the shit that fucking PISSES ME OFF.....just sayin

Pressure Cooker

Everyone has heard of stress eaters...well I'm a stress cooker.  I prefer the term Pressure Cooker because I like the cartoon visual attached to it.  This pot-type contraption with gauges and dials spinning out of control, steam escaping from the lid, a "run for your lives" aura about it. Yep, that sounds about right.  I realized  recently that I have been cooking  an awful lot lately. Now here's an understatement:  I have been under some stress for the last 12 months or so, the last couple of months especially.
 Now not to say I haven't done my share of stress eating. I have.  I do believe I'm more of a social eater. I can successfully diet for weeks and weeks but only if there is some kind of solitary confinement involved.  Put me in a social situation and it's..cake? OKAY  big piece?  HELL YEAH!  I was told once that I eat like I'm in  a competition...and in one embarrassingly proud moment , after finishing a plate of ribs, the server came to he table said " the guys in the kitchen were betting you wouldn't be able eat all that". You lose bitches!
 
I love eating but I really enjoy cooking.  I think I like it because there's a beginning, a middle and an end and the end =eating...You sit around and say what should we eat...what do we have in the house- the beginning. You chop and mix and marinate and fry, bake or boil  -the middle .  Then you eat and if all goes well you hear the "mmmm-ing" and the "I can't believe you made this"- the end.
I  love the freedom of cooking but I am not a fan of baking (too much measuring ) although it is starting to grow on me...literally- like on my big ass.
 I also love the predictability of cooking. To paraphrase a scene from the movie Julie & Julia  (about a food blogger cooking her way through the Julia Child cookbook) I love the idea that no matter what is going on in the world I know that  if I melt butter add some  flour ... I can make a roux which can be a gravy or a wine sauce or a cheese sauce.  There is great comfort in that for me.

Now because I can't really do anything medically to help my parents or my husband.... so I cook.  Here is what the doctor ordered
 Knee surgery- 12 bean soup with ham and kielbasa, chili (with too many peppers I was told)  Potato and Ham and cheese soup.
 Hip surgery - baked macaroni with chicken sausage meat balls and beans and greens with bacon. 
For the various cancers - a couple variations of chicken soup, pasta zucchini and pepperoni sauce, chocolate zucchini bread.  cracker crusted cod with bowtie pasta/ fall vegetables medley
Now add the new job stress   Most recently, today in fact, I came home after being in lockdown at school. Because of a crazed neighbor  with a house full of guns which he burned to the ground- I thought what anybody else would in my situation....FRIED CHICKEN

Cooking, to me, is a form of control. I visit my mom, who does not seem to be improving very much physically and not at all mentally. I try to talk to her and tell her how she has to get herself up off the couch. She says she will- but doesn't do it or won't do it....not without me anyway....I feel guilty because I can't be there to help her all the time...I just can't = PORK ROAST.    I have a new job, which I really like, but it's new and it's different and it's quite a bit of work=SPAGHETTI SQUASH  WITH MUSHROOMS AND SPINACH SAUTEED IN OLIVE OIL AND GARLIC TOPPED WITH FRESH MOZZARELLA. My newest stress is my sweet little cocker spaniel, Cosette, who will celebrate her 15 birthday this month, is clearly (sigh) on her way out.....  three words
 CHICKEN.  POT. PIE.
SO many things are out of my control but I knew that if I added a few mini chocolate chips to my angel food cake with strawberry sauce, it would make it better ....and it did ...on so many levels.

Now I find it funny that I am not married to a "foodie".  He likes to eat and I know he likes my cooking....though he never rarely says...but he is not a foodie ( I'm not sure I like that word) ...I do have a couple food lovers in my life and I think if I was married to either of  them I would be huge HUGE....like piano case for a coffin huge... like has to be cut out of my apartment huge.  So I guess  that is the balance of life, the recipe if you will. Since cooking together is a very intimate thing... I have F- Buddies...the F being food, ya perverts.

But I  do find it completely natural that my son is a cook by trade and an awesome cook at that.  I guess it's in the blood....he knows exactly  what to add to what and when.  His motto  bacon goes with everything....I have never been prouder. . I love that for the last few Christmas mornings we spent it making sauce and this past year BRACIOLE. (with bacon)-yum

I love food ! When I first thought about starting a blog I thought maybe I'd write about food.  But instead, I began writing about my musicals.   I actually have a great idea for a Food Network show.  Pick a Broadway musical and I would make some dishes inspired by it....For example Sound of Music- crisp apple streudels  and schnitzel with noodles.  Get it ...a few of her favorite things?  I would call it SOUND BITES....yesssssss!
 It even works with movies ...I can make something with  "garlic sliced with a razor blade so thin it liquefies in the pan" ala GOODFELLAS which has one of the best food related lines in movies..."Tomorrow we eat SANGwiches".

Food is connected with so many memories....I can remember the first time I had a shrimp cocktail...I think I was six.  At that time of my life I was a scrawny kid.  I (believe it or not) was seriously under weight.  My grandfather called me "little one".  My mom used to give me all kinds of things to help boost my weight...I don't think she read the small print because I think it said "may take 30 years to kick in"
Kick in it did with a vengeance...

Yes I will continue my love affair with food .  I will cook my way through the hard times and situations that I have no control over.   I cook for myself and for others and I am the boss for a change.  I will begrudgingly watch my carbs and stick with whole wheat pastas and chicken and fish...on the weekdays and I will fill my weekends baking and creating new recipes because I can control this...if only this.
So as we wait to hear if my mom is healthy enough for chemo this week...again, out of my hands ....I'm thinking SEAFOOD BISQUE.  I will bring her some and hopefully she will eat it and get stronger because she looks like she is wasting away. It's awful but it's not only because she is sick...as she says when you get older you lose your appetite....Seriously?...when does this happen?  Does this also take 30 years to kick in---just sayin'

Words, Words, Words

Act 2 Scene 2.... Polonius asks Hamlet "What do you read, my lord?" and Hamlet answers "Words, Words,Words",  Now I was pretty sure it was Hamlet, but I'm not going to lie and say I knew what scene it was from. I had to look it up since the most I remember about Hamlet comes  from when the castaways performed it for big Hollywood producer Harold Hecuba on Gilligan's Island....don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about ("Never a borrower or a lender be...." set to the music of Carmen....classic!)   
But I always remembered  Words Words Words.  Maybe because I love words.  I bet it comes as no surprise to anyone that I love words.  I always have. I remember writing stories and poems in elementary school (oh yeah, always in those anthologies)   I remember making up crossword puzzles when I was junior high.  Reading and rewriting plays in high school and going to school for Communications and writing for the college paper.  I'm addicted to Words with Friends and I fear I have lost some friends because of it. (you know who you are).  And my favorite thing to do on a Sunday is curl up on the couch, with a big cup of Tim Horton's coffee and do both Sunday crosswords puzzles ....in pen, that's right, pen, bitches!  Do you know a 3 letter word for a bitter vetch?  I do   ERS...whatever

 Words Words Words...I've made up a few and have adopted some as my own. For example
"oochie-bit" ...an oochie-bit is a cookie or pastry or even a salty type snack you eat when you're in the mood for something but you don't know what.
 "Utzy" ....utzy is a feeling when you don't know what to do with yourself, your arms and legs feel all awkwardy and you can't get comfortable.  Usually the only cure for feeling "utzy" is an "oochie-bit".  "Frankenstrated"...now this one is a combination of being anxious and frustrated.  I remember using it a lot before my daughter's wedding.  Anyone who has ever planned a wedding knows that there are so many things to be done, but they have to be done at certain times.  I knew I had tons of tasks to accomplish like getting chair covers but you can't really get the chair covers until the morning of...I was frustrated ...I was anxious...I was frankenstrated.  Use it in a sentence....it's fun!
 Now my new favorite word is (you guessed it)
 "Shidiot" ..  it's when idiot just doesn't cover it, like some kind of super idiot ...I guess it's a cross between shit head and idiot. It's usually accompanied by head shaking in disbelief.  When someone can't figure out that you can't say you're really sick and stiff someone and then post pictures of yourself on facebook having a grand ol' time at a concert or party...."shidiot".  
Words, Words Words....I love 'em.   I love people who use them creatively. I have been insulted and complimented many times in my life.  I don't remember most of them  but I do remember that I have been called effervescent and I have been called exhausting. One compliment, one insult, both so very appreciated because of the thought went into the word choice. Thank You !  That being said, I would be remiss to not mention swearing and the thought that goes into each curse word I choose. I just love to swear.   I'm sure that is not a surprise to anyone either.  But I am a great swearer (except during Lent). Some people think those who swear are unintelligent, rude and are resorting to profanity because they don't know how to express themselves,  au contraire  mother fuckers...some study showed that people who use a lot of swear words tend to be more honest and trust worthy  and there is no correlation between swearing and unintelligence.   So shut the hell up and look at Jon Stewart of the Daily Show.  Whether you agree with his politics or not, you have to admit that he is one intelligent man...he is well read and can hold his own with any politician or author AND he swears a lot...AND he loves crossword puzzles...I dare say he is the perfect man.  I would love to  curl up and "do a crossword" with him some day. 
Did you ever notice that if you put things in quotes and especially if you do air quotes....it sounds dirty.  David Letterman did a whole Top Ten list on it years ago and the one I always remembered was "frosting the pastry"....sounds filthy and delicious.  But seriously how good does it feel to say the F word sometimes.  It's a noun...it's a verb...adjective and adverb.  A good "what the fuck?" really sometimes says it all.
 Words, Words Words.  The reason I have been thinking so much about words is because I have been at a loss for words as of late.  This whole mom/ cancer situation has rendered me, yes me...word girl...speechless.  I really can't  put into words how I am feeling these days hopeful/hopeless ...encouraged/defeated,  I guess I am angry but angry doesn't cut it....angry at who ...angry at what?  People ask how she is doing and I can't find the word to describe it.  Maybe people are just asking to be polite, but I just can't retort  with a "she's better" or "not so good" ...it just doesn't seem like there's a proper way to address it. I usually say "I don't know"...which makes me look uncaring or uninvolved which I am neither...I am angry!  W
hen the doctor came out of the OR  waaaaaaay earlier than he should have, I knew that was not a good thing.  After I picked my heart up out of somewhere between my stomach and my toes, we all went to the little room to talk.  You never want to go to that fucking little room.(appropriate use of that word as an adjective) The surgery wasn't going to help her, more cancer than he thought and going with chemo first may be the way to combat this.  Ok...disappointed /relieved ? Catch your breath and regroup.  Let's tell her its not all bad news, same news ...different tactic.  Did we not use the right words, does she get it?
I don't know if she is giving up or if she has no fight in her...which are valid feelings but they don't match the doctor's prognosis.  Now we need to try to be encouraging but not bossy...understanding but not passive. It's a whole oxymoron-ity of being a child who is now a parent to a  parent whois like a child.  I am talking to her like I would my grandson...especially that she needs to poop before she is released to go home.  Unfortunately, taking Ninja Turtles away is not quite the incentive for her. I don't know what to think or say anymore...hopefully it's temporary or it's bye, bye blog... I feel like a wall of tears are right behind my eyes and  finding the right word will burst the dam.  Maybe that's why I can't find it yet.  People may say vulnerable , but I HATE that word...mainly because I can't seem to say it properly and because it is a feeling that I detest.  Hands are tied...loss for words....this is hell for me.  I am fucking word girl....how can someone who loves words so much be in such a dilemma.  WTF???
The irony - I guess is life can be good and bad at the same time. I will talk and use the wrong words til the right ones come along and just be pissed off about it. I can't tell you the amount of conversations I have with my husband on the way home from hospital visits that end with me saying a desparate "you know what I mean?" to be only answered by a resounding "uh huh" ... and there it is - the brutal irony of  this word girl's life....word girl is married to a man of few word.  But to quote Mae West "very few words...but a lot of action" (wink wink) ....just sayin'

Little Victories

I'm never going to win the war...what war you ask....to answer I will borrow a phrase from a  early,  pre -Godfather Marlon Brando movie..."whaddya got?"  I bet most of you know what I am talking about. The War - The daily war with banks that screw up your account, insurance companies that screw up you policies, Tim Horton's employees that screw up your coffee order...seriously it's just black coffee...no milk, no sugar...BLACK-it can't be that difficult,   I  know I am trying to stay positive in the coming months and  I will.... just bear with me. There is always going to be that war so I am here to tell you to celebrate the Little Victories.  Ah yes, the little victories- even if they are only important to you- enjoy them.... I do. Some days are tougher than others to find them, you have to really dig... but they are there. ( I didn't hit one red light ...take that Town Highway Department!)

Now I have to admit that many, many of my little victories are what one might call "imaginary". That being said let me take you back to the early  90's.  I just plopped down a big bunch of money to get floor seats for Elton John.  I have always been a fan ...since Tumbleweed Connection...before all the crazy get ups and glam glasses. So I was very excited and wasn't disappointed by the awesome performance.  Now about 3 or 4 months later they announce that Elton John is touring with Billy Joel ( another fav...although I have seen him a few times).  I was furious!  Why didn't they announce this sooner.  I would have loved to see them both together.  So do I now plop down another big bunch of money?  The guy just played here and now he's coming back with a better show for more money.  NO ...I said.  I am not going and I didn't and I don't regret it.  This is coming from someone who has seen Bruce Springsteen 14 times....but that's  not the point.  I thought it was shitty so I didn't go.....I felt like I won a small imaginary, even demented battle-----little victory?----why not

I was and still am a big letter (email now) writer. Surprise Surprise.... I wrote letters to Dog Food Companies when I found little bugs in a bag of food---FREE DOG FOOD...victory!   When my oldest daughter was a baby, she got her finger caught in a little Winnie the Pooh toy...APOLOGY FROM SEARS + GIFT CERTIFICATE- --victory! One year our school was closed because of a huge  ice storm in October.  Some of us didn't get paid for about a week or so (not to mention property damages and generator costs)  and our school district refused to compensate us---I wrote a letter to NYSUT, the union we are affiliated with, and received a BIG CHECK right around Christmas time----fa la la la laaaa  victory!
 Now it doesn't always work  and here's a big FUCK YOU  to HOTWIRE.COM

I had a couple of little victories this summer....although this one may fall under the "imaginary" category.  The beginning of last year when we started our last first day of school, our superintendent came in to say how smooth things were going to run and our placements will be handled by seniority which seemed cool ( especially since I have 20 years of it).  Something told me to be proactive...so I  (wait for it) wrote a letter.  I wrote the superintendent a letter on behalf of my fellow employees.   I wanted to make a plea to consider people's talents and strengths, along with the seniority, when deciding where to place them.  I knew it was a complicated process and in a school district with huge money problems, our jobs were not priority one....we HAVE jobs...a lot of people didn't.  He answered me, he thanked me for suggestion and said he would do his best.  Two words came to mind...Bull and Shit....but I don't regret writing it...I don't regret!   A few weeks ago, we got our placements.  Hello, I am the new Career Center Coordinator at the High School.  After 20 years in elementary school...I finally made it to high school! I was told by my new principal it's not that different...they are just a little bigger ..but he noticed that they were bigger than me by 3rd grade anyway. ( I think I'm gonna like this guy.)  But my new job, I like to think, will allow me to finally use some of my public relation skills (30 years since college but still) and my technology abilities and was told to use my creativity to make the job my own.  Not too shabby...and I'm not saying that the letter I wrote last year led me to this position.  Coincidence....probably....   luck of the draw ...maybe...Victory .... hells yes!
In my mind...it's a victory ....the same mind that says look about 20 pounds thinner and 20 years younger...the mind that says everyone thinks I am as funny as I do.....the mind that says no one notices the food stains on ALL my shirts nor do they see the newest little hair on my upper lip.

Another victory this summer was getting my whole family together for a mini vacation.
It was  Me vs. Six Busy Schedules  but    I   WAS   VICTORIOUS!   
It wasn't for a long time at all, but there we were, all seven of us together ...that's all I wanted.  We came up at all different times, some of us stayed longer, some left early to go to work. some of us got to go to the pool (by the way having that imaginary extra 20 lbs. makes you freaking fly down that water slide....take that skinny bitches), but we all had a great dinner and got to lay around the hotel room laughing and enjoying each others company.  I say that was quite a victory indeed.  After a crazy summer of rehearsals (our show made money this year...another not so little victory) and our upcoming "fresh Hell" with doctors and hospitals, we must grab these victories and hang on to them tightly with both hands.

We met my mom and dad at the office of her new doctor ( a man, I'm told, that does not mince words or give false hopes)   I accompanied my mom in to the examining room where the doctor said "this doesn't look too bad".  Our first little victory.  He explained what the next steps were. Surgery, but she is going to a great hospital where she will get great care (same one my husband was)another little victory.  I AM feeling positive and not as scared as I may have been in the past when I was afraid to say that word out loud. Now I say it with ease and a I find that I can yell it at the top of my lungs if I want to ....take that cancer
Because this conversation happens (more than once)

Mom:  I hope they don't find a tumor ....
Me:     Mom ..it's CANCER remember CANCER
Mom:  Oh yeah

I'm not sure she totally understands what this all entails and maybe that's a little victory too.   When I left the doctor's office with my sister and daughter, we agreed we are absolutely going to get through this- it was as positive a visit as it could be.  I think my mom and dad got that and I said it out loud.  "I think they get it" . Ironically at that moment, my daughter pointed out that my parents were passing us going the wrong way down Main Street..... doh! ....well at least they were in the right car ....little, little victories, just sayin'

It's Always Something

Remember Roseanne Roseannadanna?  She was on SNL Weekend Update in the 70's.  She would rant and rant about nonsense and say "you know, it's always something"...sounds familiar to me.  My blog (self proclaimed nonsense) has, believe it or not, a following. Now mind you, not a celebrity type following or a Charles Manson following, but a following none the less.  I was asked recently why I haven't blogged lately.  My answer to that was that I have been a little off  my game of late. I have had a crazy year, personally and professionally and the latter is stemming from the *closing of my school/losing a job that I have done for 20 years/saying good bye to people that I realistically  may never see again and not to mention the uncertainty of starting a new job (which took literally months to hear where my placement is ....more about that in the future) I told that person I don't like to write negative blogs...sarcastic , cutting and inappropriate, yes but not negative.   So that being said, this happened.

My mom got sick.  My mom is sick.  I have to say that out loud so it will sink in,
 I have mentioned my mom in past blogs ...mostly concerning our recent role reversal and not in a fun Freaky Friday way. Well looks like she is going to need me more as this new life chapter unfolds. That's okay, we got this....no need for negativity. But for those scoring at home, allow me to reiterate the events of the last 12 months.  They announced our school's closing, my dad had surgery, my husband was rushed to the hospital which was the catalyst for the whole cancer thing, my mom had surgery, my husband's  whole cancer thing and surgery, my dad's other surgery, the actual closing of our school and all that goes with that (*see above)  of course  here and there were your garden variety family dramas and friend issues and sprinkle the whole thing with MENOPAUSE.
and now this.....this last little bit of news may not have put me over the edge but I am desperately hanging on to those little tree roots as little stones and dirt crumble through my fingers.

When she called on Sunday to say she wasn't feeling well and told me her symptoms ...I didn't panic but I had that feeling,  I heard that little voice. You know that little voice.  That little voice that tells me when something is up,  That little voice that has kept me out of trouble because it is right 95% of the time.   I hate that little voice sometimes.  But by mid week she was in the hospital... I found out she was in the hospital a half hour before the opening night curtain of my summer musical.... (another reason for not blogging so much....the musical sucked the life out of me and in the words of  Lily Von Schtoop in Blazing Saddles..."goddammit I'm exhausted"). Now don't think that this directing gig of mine took up sooooo much time that I didn't check on her.....I had.
 It's my family, my family and their Communication Italiano.  It goes like this:

Calling at any time of the day or night for such pressing reason as... "I found a old high school picture of you, do you want it" or "the soup you made was delicious".  But when my grandmother died.....DIED.... they didn't call me because they didn't want to "bug me at happy hour."   That makes me sound like either a raging alcoholic or the biggest douche bag in the world....NO ONE DARE  BOTHER ME WHILE I'M A DRINKIN'....seriously???? 
Well by closing night, we kind of knew it wasn't good and the remaining weeks of my summer will be spent at oncologists and other specialist.   Still not negative,  I've been through this before(8 months ago) and God willing the outcome will be just as positive.  That's the word of the hour- POSITIVE!

So I thought I would blog about it.  I am doing  this for a couple reasons....I think it will be kind of therapeutic for me and I think it may benefit anyone else who may be going through some tough times themselves.  I don't want to diminish the severity or importance of  my or any one else's situation....but I am, I've been told, a funny girl. So if we can get through this together and have a smile or two along the way .....why the hell not?   Also I thought this would be a good way to keep my loyal reader (s) informed and updated on things.  Sometimes the face to face thing...not so good at it....the flooded eyes and quivery voice...so awkward and it makes me really uncomfortable ....so you can imagine how I feel when it's me - ba-da dum!.....(see what I did there, switched it up) .
I also refuse to put this shit on Facebook.   Again, not my style,   I like my Facebook interaction to be
a) clever and witty - posting a clip from Mommie Dearest on Mother's Day
b) gaga related- mainly adorable pictures of my adorable grandson
c) celebratory- birthdays, anniversaries and the like
d) musical- sharing an old song that always gets me (Fountain of Sorrow- Jackson Browne)
e) thought provoking- my post this morning about that moment when you wake up and all your problems and shit haven't you yet ....that split second of utter peace.  It meant something different for me but judging by the response, it hit home with some people.
So posting personal stuff on Facebook .not gonna happen.  It may be fine for some people, but I can't,
I just can't.  The thought of pouring my soul and divulging these personal traumas only to  get the obligatory comments and that horrible thumbs up..the LIKES....I will never understand that:
horrible news - "some asshole you kind of know likes this"....and besides ....who likes cancer?

So my friends, if you are choosing to come along on this new journey with me, I promise to be as snarky, sarcastic and inappropriate as humanly possible with the given situation.  I will try to be inspirational and informative and most of all positive.  I will really try to stay positive because when life gives you lemons...(refer to the lemons listed above) ....when life gives you lemons....fuck it ...I better open a stand, but I'm selling Lemincello....just sayin'

Take another little piece of my heart

I borrowed this title from Janis Joplin but I don't think we have the same take on it. It's a great song to belt in your car but I'm just really in need of the song's title
Recently, they closed my school. As I may have mentioned in past blogs, they closed the school I worked at for almost 20 years. It's the school  my kids went to and I even went there for a few grades when we first moved to this area.  Now from this blog title, one can assume I mean to convey a couple things, like how they have taken little pieces of  the heart out of education.  That would be true. They have replaced the pieces with data and dollars that are going to the wrong places.  When I refer to they, you know I mean the Department of Education who once sent us a letter with the wrong spelling of principal and have misspelled words on tests etc.  One can also assume that there are little pieces of broken hearts of  the kids, parents, teachers and staff as we see the end of an era of the little neighborhood school. This is also true. That is not exactly where I want to go with this ....not this time.
I think we can look at this another way. Maybe it's not so bad to lose a little piece of your heart here and there.  What? Why would you think that?   Is she on as many drugs as Ms. Joplin?  Hear me out
. 
Earlier this month, I ran away from home, played hooky from school and went to NYC.  I went with a friend who also needed to be a runaway.  We hadn't been on one of these little trips in over 30 years.  Back then the reason was, we were done with exams, that was a brutal semester. our families were driving us crazy.  Well that last part may still be true for me.  In my case ( I can't speak for my travel companion) I was temporarily escaping my aging parents and their compulsion to go to the grocery store EVERYDAY.  Now I took their car away since my dad's surgery so I kind of was at their mercy.  But one desperate trip was for two bananas and  emergency Dixie cups and the next day was one can of peaches and dryer sheets.....what is going on in that house???  Do you kind of see my need to flee? 

Off we went on our family free and I might add guilt free getaway. I guess you get less guilty as you get older. We had no plans,no idea where we were going and no time restraints.  We only needed to check into our hotel at some point. Speaking of our hotel, we stayed in a place called the Pod on 39th Street, and yes, we referred to ourselves as "pod people".  If you get the chance, check out this cool little place. It was new and hip....way hipper than us. The rooms are small...think  the Asian businessmen in the drawers on Seinfeld small.  We had bunk beds small.  It was awesome.  I didn't go to away for college but I assume it was dorm room small, which seemed  perfect since we hadn't been on an adventure since our college days.  Although climbing to the top bunk at my age and in a semi Janis Joplin state was quite a sight, I'm sure. Take another little piece of my dignity baby.... But it was a fabulous place, from the awesome roof top bar to the cute little subway tiled bathroom...the "pee pod" if you will.

Anyway we got to the city and met up with friends that we hadn't seen in an embarrassing number of years.  It is an amazing phenomenon, I know you have all experienced it.  That you can up where you left off with certain people, in our case, after decades.  Of course we talked of our aches and pains and yes, we grabbed a light jacket ...just in case, but we were those same people that were singing Springsteen at the top of our lungs in cars and matching each other shot for shot.  It was fascinating to see that although we have been away from each other, we can relate and have the same take on pop culture that we have clearly experienced separately. For example laughing at Seinfeld references ...that is kind of universal.  Whaddya know, it seems to me I found a couple pieces of my heart that I thought I lost when these dear people moved out of my life.

So when we feel like we are losing someone or something, a friend. a relationship, a school... maybe, just maybe, they are taking a piece of your heart with them and keeping it with them.  I feel like there definitely are now pieces of my heart in NYC and the general tri-state area.   I think that's a good thing, no,  a great thing. That's what I learned on my  (pre-) summer vacation..  If I can pick up where I left of with old friends, maybe I don't have to feel like I've lost them.  After three decades, a couple of gals can still shop, have a drink or two. get stopped on the street to be complimented (thank you handsome Little Italy waiter) giggle about stupid things before going to sleep ( which was considerably earlier than the last go around)and share secrets that you know you can only share with someone who has a piece of your heart.

What I thought  was going to be a fun getaway turned out to be quiet an enlightening experience.  I returned to my life of  mistaken car insurance cancellation, another urgent run to get some odd fruit request and the uncertainty of my next school year with a new out look.  It was just what I needed. I can certainly say that I will leave a piece of my heart in every part of that little school and especially with the people that I realistically may not ever see again.  But my trip to the big city showed me that is okay.  You leave a piece but it doesn't leave a gap. It gets filled with new people and relationships and your heart does go on and on....near....far ....where ever you are.... you know  I waited as long as I could to use that lyric.

As I start my summer, my heart is filled with my ever crazy, loving family who I adore and enjoy more and more with every stage of their busy, blossoming lives. Not to mention a bunch of eager drama-manaics who anxiously await the excitement of our annual summer musical (much more on that to come)...,and of course I can give hunks of my heart away because it is more than filled with my wonderfully hysterical and truly beautiful grandson.  We took walk today and as we stopped every so often to Ninja Turtle fight some "bad guys" and referrred to me as "his buddy", I realized  my heart couldn't be fuller. Well..... I guess it kind of can....maybe with another grand child perhaps..no pressure or anything but.if you're reading this.....foots a tappin' here....just sayin'

What the f*** is wrong with people?

I don't want to get all bogged down with negativity, but seriously, what the fuck is wrong with people?  Events of this past week nationally, locally and personally have me asking this question that I have been asking most of my life.  What the fuck is wrong with people?  I can remember saying years and years ago that if this is what humans are really like, I must be from another planet.  I'm sure some of you have been saying that about me too.
A couple of  ( fill in with your own expletive) dirt bags set off some bombs at the Boston Marathon.  It is really incomprehensible that someone thinks their beliefs, ideas, needs are more important than anyone else's,that you can destroy what is usually called the "happiest day of the year" in Boston.  Oh yeah and one of the bombs was set down right by a little kid...whatever....little kids seem to be targets for some people lately.  It wasn't that long ago that we saw that happen, right?  Which brings me to another reason to ask what the fuck is wrong with people?  
Our government is putting on Anybody Get Your Gun.  yep anyone who wants one can get a fire arm....no matter what their history.  I heard 90% of the nation thinks there should be some kind of background check, but for some reason, the bill wasn't passed.  Someone's ideas, beliefs and in this case, need or should I say greed is more important.   I don't want to get in to the big gun argument.  I have my beliefs and there are conflicting ones out there too.  But holy shit, stop talking about the 2nd amendment unless you are referring to muskets and not assault weapons.  Maybe there wasn't a need for background checks back then but I'm sure people were smart enough not to give a gun to the village idiot. 

Help me down off my soap box for a second to say isn't it too bad the term village idiot used anymore.  ...okay back up there.

This week I was witness to the dreaded state testing in the elementary school level.  I think last year at this time I devoted a whole blog to "testing."  Nothing has changed too much since then, actually, things have gotten worse.  The expectations are ridiculous for children as young as 8 or 9.  I, as a educated adult and a self proclaimed smarty pants had a little trouble with the questions asked on the 3rd grade ELA test....yep, 3rd grade.  I read the passage and looked at the questions and said WHAAA????   These kids must feel the way I do when I'm filling out insurance forms.   That was 3rd grade.  The 5th grade one must be like when you get that little book with your new cell phone.   Three days of this and next week will be 3 days of math because every 5th grader needs to know how much fruit  to buy in pounds, ounces, grams, drams(?) kilograms,  just buy the damn grapes!  Do these tests prove anything?  Yeah, a little ...it would be nice if we can get the results and go over the problems with the kids.   No, the results go to the state so they can see who gets more funding....and the schools with the best scores get more funding.  WHAAAA??   Put this math problem on the test.  If school A scored below average and school B scored above average and  if money is needed to help support the struggling kids in the lower scoring schools then.
A) School A should  get funding to help afford more resources
B) School B should get funding so more people will buy houses in School B's district
C) Let's create more tests so the corporation that makes these tests can get funding
D) Ask the village idiot
Let me answer that question with a question...What the fuck is wrong with people?  Some one is getting rich out there and the wealth is NOT being shared.

On the subject of money...let me ask what the fuck is wrong with people for personal reasons. 
As mentioned before, I work as a server in a restaurant (which should be mandatory for anyone who wishes to frequent restaurants)  I like this job, I have done it on and off since high school, paid for my college education and even bought my wedding dress with rolled up change (No, I didn't bring rolls of quarters to the bridal shop...only the village idiot would do that). So I waited on what I thought was a nice older couple.  They ate, drank and were merry, well  Mary ...Jo was their server.    They presented me with a gift certificate which made their dinner FREE, they had a FREE dinner and great service and did I mention a FREE dinner.  Tip:...2, count 'em 2 fucking dollars.  Really what the fuck is wrong with people?  Now if you are saying well maybe that's all they had (it's not) and maybe they were old (I'm old now too) They know better,  they've been in before, they are cheap, true ...but really that is insulting to someone who brought your food and may bring your food again. Karma baby

 Whatever ...it's been a crazy week with crazy people.  When I seriously ask the "question" in question I can only come up with the fact that most people are self absorbed and self-ish.   Think about when you talk to people,  some people, you can tell they are not really listening, they are just waiting to tell you their shit...."I did this" or "this happened to me"...now I know you can say well, that's conversation and  it's only human nature to be me oriented. But more and more I'm finding that people are more concerned with "what's in it for me" rather than "how can I help".  Too many selfish acts and not so many self less ones. 
I think it's time to step up humans....do something without reward, other than the reward of doing something.  There is good out there....like the people that ran toward  and not away from that horrible scene in Boston.   So let's not worry so much about money and do what's right.  Let's tip our servers ( I had to throw that in there).  Help each other out with out being asked.  Think about your audience before you start complaining about your woes....you know the "complaining about your shoes to a man with no legs" kind of thing...  Just take a second to think and not about just yourself...we can do it.  To quote an old song "we can change the world, rearrange the world..it's dying to get better".  Be kind humans,  remember it's not all about you....how can it be....when it's all about me, just kidding, just sayin

My Pet Peeve

I'm throwing you all a curve ball with the name of this blog.  The decision to use that particular title with a deliberate omission of  punctuation, will be addressed.  Read on, my friends, read on.   The true theme of this installment is quite positive.  It should be called "The Luckiest People in the World."    Even that title is a curve ball.  (throwing these curve balls is the most exercise I've gotten in months).  
Anyone who read my last blog knows what my little family has been through the last several months. I do have to say the outcome has truly catapulted us into that category of the Luckiest People in the World.  
As I sat in an oncologist waiting room with my cancer-free healthy husband, that phrase kept ringing in my ears.  We are sooooo lucky, fortunate, blessed. however you want to say it ....we dodged a big fucking bullet.  The oncologist waiting room is not a place where you want 'everyone to know your name"....you don't want to be a regular there. You don't want the workers there to look at you with that look  and say "how you DOING  today?"   I know it's hard to convey it in print , but take my word for it, it was a different "HOW you doing today? " than we got. Lucky!
The sweet scarf headed woman playing the same game on her phone as I was, I'm sure was not thinking "why can't I get past this fucking level??!!" Damn Candy Crush game.  Other than being stuck on level 65....Lucky!

But that being said...that isn't where I'm going with this. As unbelievably grateful as I am for our blessings....I am lucky for another reason.  I am lucky because I GET IT. Now get your filthy minds out of the gutter and bare with me (hahaha bare),  There is a group of people out there, and you know who you are,  that get it!  I also believe the people that GET IT, seek out other people that GET IT.
For those of you reading this and are saying ...oh I get it, enjoy the ride.  You know what I mean.  Those who think they maybe get it but are not sure...read on.  Those who are already offended by anything I have said...stop...go back and watch anything with Tim Allen in it or that Big Bang show(now I just don't get that show but everyone else does) Anyway....
TO GET IT:
You must be able to weed through all the bullshit of everyday life and stop taking the wrong things so seriously.   I don't think you have to go through life altering events to realize this either. Although that does give you the kick in the ass you may need.  The people that don't get (  it in my opinion) use these event as crutches and not as learning experiences.  Just check Face Book.  Speaking of FB, how funny is it when someone is ranting about something or bragging about how great they are or kissing some one's ass and 75% of their shit is misspelled .".thanks for being their for me....your the best"....snicker snicker...if you find humor in that...you get it!!! 
Now I know what you're thinking....what makes you so fucking perfect and I know you're thinking it.   Well I'm not....I make tons of mistakes....(not so many grammatical ones thanks to my junior high school English teacher) but I giggle at some taking themselves so seriously and not taking the time to re-read what they wrote.   I work at a school and I will spell check my name before I send it out on something that you can't unsend.   But don't just rely on spell check folks because..... many years ago we received mail from the Department of Education in Albany and the envelope was stamped "ATTENTION PRINCIPLE"   They used the wrong one!!!!  GET IT??? cuz not too many people did until I pointed it out..."your principal is your PAL"  Thank you Mr. Noworyta!! All those who got it join me in a resounding "doy-ee".

Now another way to get it is to be able to quote an awesome movie at the most appropriate time or ideally, an inappropriate time.  Here's a test: while in a group of people quote something from The Producers or any Mel Brooks movie and see who laughs or if it's a massively inappropriate situation, see gives you the eye or the look.  The look is half mortified and half admiration....They GET IT!!!
Being able to communicate with your eyes is like the secret hand shake of those who GET IT.  
I remember being at a class reunion...the mecca for people taking themselves too seriously.  I was sitting with an old classmate who had become a what they used to call a Born Again Christian.  In the distance I saw another old friend with inappropriate-ness written all over his face.  I'm not sure what or how it happened, I may have even blacked out, but afterwards I recall  hearing"thank God for those eyes MJ" Crisis averted!

There was a bunch of us who GOT IT in high school (yeah baby...getting it in high school). I had a good friend who I knew back then was lucky enough to get back in touch with after some 30 years and unfortunately lost about a year and a half ago.  He was one of those lucky people got it and didn't who knew it.  He is the one who said when he gets a pet he will name it Peeve so he can say "this is my pet, Peeve"....GET IT?  He also wanted a dog named FIDO but would spell it PHYDOUX.   Goofy kid stuff I know, but when we met up after 3 decades and he told me he was embarrassed but still laughed about that woman in Florida with the chimpanzee who she raised like her son and acted like a real human but unfortunately tore the neighbor's face off,  I knew he still got it.   Now no one thinks that the act of having you face torn off is funny at all...honestly I think its horrific...but a monkey driving the family car and having lobster for dinner with the occasional mood altering pharmaceutical chaser is a little funny.
Just  a little...no?  If you think no and think somethings should not be made fun of...I'm sorry.  I truly apologize and agree to disagree as they say....but those of you who felt their lip creep up in an almost smile, congratulations...you  are one of the luckiest people in the world....you get it!

People have told me I'm going to hell....not in anger like, GO TO HELL...but with some concern for my warped soul and my inability to keep my wretched thoughts to myself.  So I decided to go to the top with this and went to the closest thing to the top that I could think of.  I went to church.  Truly worried about my little soul, I asked a priest if he thought I was a sinner or at the very least a terrible person for making inappropriate comments about  hardships to make others laugh...I mean " Father, it really is about the humor."  He couldn't help but smile and he said he thinks God understands,  He made me this way.....GOD GETS IT...whaddya know!
So all my peeps that get it and we know who we are....WE GOING TO HEAVEN BITCHES!!!
Heaven will be all about my favorite thing....sitting around with a bunch of us lucky people, taking a situation and beating the shit out of it with exaggerations and nonsense ...crossing the line...moving it and crossing it again. I will be with all my favorite people...especially my children because they too get it ...it must be inherent. Oh yeah and there will be an open bar!!!

In September I will be starting over again in a new school after 19 years. I was the one who was already there for the new lucky people to "click" with. It usually takes about 12 seconds and then you are...BFF's.  There is some comfort in knowing that there is a group of lucky people... who get it located in my new school where ever that may be.  They are there waiting there for me to say something inappropriate, I just know it.  I look forward to the eye rolls from those who never saw Blazing Saddles and to the nod of approval who think the phrase "wed woses... how womantic " is fwiggen hysterical.  I'll know I'm among some of the luckiest people in the world....Those who enjoy finding the obscurity in life ...considering SCTV a religion of sorts...being able to dish it out AND take it. Being able to laugh at yourself and laugh at others but being savvy enough not to hurt any one's feelings which you usually don't because THEY don't GET IT anyway.."Oh I  get it...I get it...a very obscure quote from an even obscurer Mel Brooks movie and if you got that  ding ding ding you are one of THE luckiest people in the world.....just sayin.